I Touched Bono

Since this news is so old, many of my regular readers may be bored by this post as I tell you all, once again, that I touched Bono. December 9, 2005 will go down in infamy as the day I stretched out my hand over the stranger next to me, tried to push him out of the way so I could grab the man, then watched as he grabbed the hand of my cousin who was behind me. Did that stop me from my ultimate goal? Oh No Siree Bob, I kept my eye on the prize and I just reached over and grabbed the TOP of Bono's hand (it was soft) and I just laughed and laughed because I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, because I couldn't believe it was actually happening. My cousin has a picture of all our hands in the air, and you can clearly see Kevin's hand is higher than everyone elses, maybe that is why Bono grabbed him, he didn't want to get sucked in my all the other low hands, cause Lord Knows I would have pulled him into the crowd had I been closer. Yeah, he has the bodyguard, whatever, like I couldn't take him....

Anyway, here is a nice photo from the show, one of 90 that my cousin David took. I'm still waiting for them to post mine at Snapfish, but as the crazy toothed, crazy eyed man behind me in line said "dude, 400 speed film just won't do it." Well you know I like to buck the system, so I certainly took four rolls of 400 speed film, you know, just in case. Come on now, some of those have to turn out, Larry was three freaking feet from me beating on those drums! See his high top sneakers? Yeah, cause that's what I was looking at when he was standing in front of me. PSYCH! (Remember Psych??)

In other news, the crazy holiday season is over, which is kind of sad, but kind of happy, since that big ass pile of gifts for other people in my living room has been replaced with a big ass pile of gifts that belong to ME! However, I have to eventually find a place for all the shit, which means I'll have to eventually clean my room, and you all know how much I love cleaning. I don't mind cleaning up OTHER people's stuff, but my own - pshh...child please. I will have to make that my other New Year's Resolution. In addition to being nicer to people, going to the gym four times a week and writing down what I eat, getting in order (so I'm not always late and stuff), and paying off my credit cards. Vegas odds are on the cleaning getting done early in the year, then everything falling to pot later. If you are a gambling man, these aren't safe bets.

And finally, I'm listening to Patsy Cline "20 Golden Hits" and "She's Not You" isn't on it. WTF dude, that's a classic! It's Golden, it's a Hit, where is it? Who do I have to call to protest? Or should I keep my mouth shut since I just ripped the CD anyway? Ok then....

I Love The Onion

So I'm back from the U2 concerrt and I have to say it was probably the best way to go out. This will be my last show this tour, probably my last show for another four years and it was effin' amazing. I'll post more information in the next few days, I just wanted to post this article from the onion which almost made me pee my pants. Of course it's made up but I always wonder if maybe it's TRUE!!!!

Rest Of U2 Perfectly Fine With Africans Starving

Bu-Bu-Balls

Ganked from Overheardintheoffice.com

Secretary: Oh wow, these are good.

Attorney: What are you eating?

Secretary: They are meatless meatballs.

Attorney: So essentially, you're just eating balls.


me: hahahahahahahahahahaha

Seven Days More

So only seven more days until Thanksgiving, which many of you may know, is my favorite holiday of the year. I think it's partly because my birthday is right after it, and partly because there is all the fun of the family hanging around together, without all the greed of Christmas Day with the screams of "where is my pile of gifts, bring me my pile," while someone is running around carrying gifts, up until it's their turn, then they turn into a lazy sack of shit who just sits on the couch and can't even hold the bag of used, ripped wrapping paper. I really shouldn't talk about those people, cause I'm one of them. I'm all about handing peeps their gifts until it's my turn, then I want it all brought to me and placed in front of me like I'm a queen or sumthin'! Then I tell people Move out of the way, I'm older, I want to sit on the couch, and I make them spare a square (a square cushion you freaks, not TP!)

Anyway, I'm excited about Thanksgiving, I like when you have the "ends" of the plate that is all combined together, the turkey and the Stove Top and the Mashed Potatoes are all in one big pile. Oman, that's exciting. The only thing that stinks is WAITING for the meal, we don't eat until 6 or so and by then I'm like "dude, bring out the turkey and if it's raw who cares?" cause I'm so hungry by then. Perhaps I'll have a snack at 2 p.m. this year to tide myself over, instead of just hanging around the olive bowl and getting yelled at for sneaking them when no one is looking. At least I THINK they aren't looking, but with 20 people, someone always sees. Good thing I rarely listen to anyone who is telling me NOT to do something. At that point I just say "what, what, I didn't do it" and look around like it was someone near me who took the olives. OR I say "it's my hot body, I'll do what I want!"

Also exciting this time of year is Black Friday, which I recently found out is every day when shopping in Washington DC or Virginia. Everywhere we went was all crowded, you had to wait for tables at restaurants, couldn't find a parking spot to save your life. I'm happy it's only like that two days a year in these parts of town - one being Black Friday (the other being the Saturday before Christmas, which this year is Christmas Eve. Should be interesting.)

OK people, and how about the snow this morning? I guess it didn't snow that much in the City, and it didn't at all in Tonawanda, but in Cheektowaga my friends, it snowed. So much that I had to walk all gentle to my car so I didn't fall, and then I had to go on the manhunt for the snowbrush, which I found in my car underneath a big pile of Race for the Cure t-shirts and Sierra Mist Free bottles. Which were full I might add - I'm drinking one now! Anyway, I had to brush off my car and I longed for the days when I lived at home and my parents let me park in the garage. Ahh, yesteryears. At least the driving wasn't bad, I heard people was all spinning out on the 400 and I was like "What fools, living in the Southtowns." Hahaha!!

So my TV shows are still going along nicely. Lost gave us an update on what the "tailies" had been doing all of last season (a lot of walking around from what I saw) and Survivor should be very exciting tonight, even though I'm out of the work pool with the loss of Bobby Jon last week. However, the stupid Country Music Awards were on Tuesday, which means they didn't run The Amazing Race. I was all excited, we turned on the TeeVee at 9 p.m. and I see someone on a stage and I think, no this can't be right. But it is. Everywhere you looked you saw cowboy boots and hats. I think I even saw someone wearing chaps. Who would have thunk that they'd put the CMAs on during Sweeps Month. I just don't get it.

On a side note, I still don't get the whole "Tom Cruise Katie Holmes thing." Anyone feel like explaining to me???

Still Pissing Me Off

So yesterday I went to Horton's for my delicious medium coffee, but today I made the signal at Harlem and Clinton, so i went to McDonalds to try things out again with the cafe ole. Please! I pull up and order my choice very clearly.

"Can I have a medium coffee with two creams, and can you mix it?"

"1.25 please drive around"

Blah blah blah, drive drive drive. I pull up to the 2nd window just as I see the worker putting sugar in a cup, then putting two creams in, then hear her yelling to someone "the creamer machine is broken." She then fills the cup with coffee, lids it and hands it to me.

Me: "Did you put sugar in that?"

Her: "Yes."

Me: "Oh, I just wanted two creams."

Her: No response, just this evil looking glare and big ass grunt. Them: "Ashley, she didn't want sugar in this!" to the woman who took the order.

Me: "Dude, WTF, how effin hard is this???" (In my head of course)

So she goes to fill up my new cup, and she's trying to rush (cause there was no one behind me) so she's all breaking the creamers open and cream is flying everywhere. All on the counter, all on my cup, all on her hands. I'm beginning to get the feeling that the McDonald's staff do NOT like the idea of preparing people's coffee. I finally got the coffee, cream dripping off the cup of course, and drove off.

A side note to this story, the man in front of me got coffee too and his was handed to him with the creamer on top of it, much like mine from last week. I think they need to re-evaluate this whole coffee mixing sign campaign, it's obvious that the staff are revolting!

In other news, the saying of the day is "It's my hot body, I'll do what I wanna do." You can say it about anything really, it doesn't just have to be if someone warns you that McDonald's hash browns are bad for you. They could be telling you to get a report in on time. Just say "it's my hot body, I'll do what I wanna do!"

Amazing Race is on tonight and the Linz Family is still going strong, thank god, because I have a feeling that I will soon be out of the Survivor Pool which I organized at work. Imagine the injustice - I organize the thing and I think I'm going to be the first one knocked out. Too bad there isn't a fee I could skim off the top. Next year I'm going to charge $5.50, with 50 cents as the administrative fee!!! After all, it's my hot body, I can do what I wanna do!

See how easy that was??????

Ronald & You!

Well McDonald's has certainly pissed me off this week.

I used to enjoy going there for a delicious cup of Small coffee, which totals only $1.07, which is very cheap compared to Tim Horton's, where they rake you over the coals for the small (it's $1.27 at the Harlem/Clinton store!) Anyway, McDonalds recently delighted me when they put up a sign that said "We'll Mix It For You." Delightful! They'll MIX my coffee for me, so I don't have to wait until work to start drinking. I remember one time I said to them "can you mix it?" and the worker told me "we aren't allowed." I have heard of some odd statements, but "we aren't allowed?" Why, OSHA standards??? You people dip things in hot grease all day and you can't pour a creamer into coffee? I digress. They are going to do it for me now. Yeah!

I pull into the drive-thru on Wednesday, maneuver my way around the semi-truck which is delivering an order in the middle of the drive-thru lane, and place my order excitedly. Small coffee, two creams. The man says "small coffee with cream?" I say "Yes!"

I drive around, and hand him $1.07 made up entirely of quarters, dimes and pennies. It's a tight week people.

I pull to the second window. Chipper (as I call her) opens the window and is holding my small coffee. Sitting on TOP of my coffee are three creamers. She hands it out the window to me along with the little shitty stirer and I sit there like "uhh....uhhh, I thought you mix it."

"You have to ask," says Chipper.

Well what the fuck are you talking about I have to ask? There is a big M-EFFIN sign up right by the drive thru that says "We Mix It For You." If there was a sign that says "Made Fresh Daily," do I have to request that they make my salad fresh, or risk getting one they made four days ago. WTF I say - WTF!!!!

It doesn't end there. My friend Kelly Snyder informs me she got a coffee there last week and ordered creamer and they said "would you like it mixed?" and she said "Why yes!" She got to her destination and sat down to a nice cup of BLACK COFFEE.

Now I'm not as mad at them as I am at Starbucks, cause it's not like they charge me four bucks for the coffee, but come on people - how hard is it to put creamer in a cup and pour coffee over it? I don't even ask for sugar!!!!!

In other news - I missed almost all of my TeeVee shows this week, with the exception of Lost. No Vegas. No Desperate Housewives. No Survivor. No Alias. And only half of the Amazing Race - the later half, so I could see the Aiello Family go home and cry because I was stuck with that effin Gaghan family for another week. Those kids need to get kicked and I'm just the girl to do it.

That's it for today everyone. If any restaurants pissed you off recently, let me know!

Overheardintheoffice.com

Visit today - it's fun!

Employee #1: How do you spell "who"?

Employee #2: How do you think it should be spelled? Sound it out.

Employee #1: H-O-W?

Employee #2: Does that sound right to you? Aren't you like, 30 years old? And you can't spell "who"?

Employee #1: You're the one who told me to sound it out, bitch.

Poor Sienna and Poor Jude

Well well well, it seems our favorite lovebirds, Jude Law and Sienna Miller, are tabloid fodder yet again. This time, sources say that the couple have decided to call it quits. See article here.

I do believe my favorite quote in the article to be

'Adds a snitch to the London Daily Mail, "Jude is devastated and depressed; he is not in a good state right now."'

Well maybe Jude should have thought of that before his penis traveled into the nether regions of his former nanny. Is anyone else with me when I say "I don't feel sorry for him." He made his bed and he should lie in it.

I do think this quote is kinda funny

"According to the paper, Law is currently holed up in "a secret location in Europe" (the News of the World pinpoints his position to southern Spain)"

What is he, the freaking Taliban? He ain't Osama Bid Ladin people - we don't need to "pinpoint his position."

Can I just say bitch please....

George-ism for the Day

I had to do it....


Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing on Iraq.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching asthe President sits, head in hands.

Finally, President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Let's Get Some Things Straight

I think I might have to clear some things up because my post of two days ago might have gotten misconstrued.

I'm not gonna lie - I like watching the TV. I like to turn on the MTV and see a nice episode of My Super Sweet Sixteen, but I think I like that so I can say "hey Jane, check out this bitch," and then we can talk about how the little hussies who are 15 going on 16 are just a bunch of shallow, self-involved, arrogant hos. I also like to watch Reality Shows with former Reality Stars, like that show Bravo was running that had the former Real Worlders doing physical challenges. There were other reality TV "stars" but I didn't know most of them, except Evan Marriot, because come on people, don't be acting like you didn't watch the finale of Joe Millionaire. I tihnk over 50 million people did and I was one of 'em!

ANYWAY, while I do like to watch the TV, I don't organize my day around it. Like last night I had a meeting so I missed Survivor. I did manage to watch Alias while I was ripping my split club tickets, but I didn't hear all of it cause they were like whispering. I did however see Vaughn get all freaking shot up (more on that later). But my point is this - I CAN miss a TV show and still function, it's just that if I'm home I like to watch it. What else am I going to do, play computer games? HAHA - just kidding. I guess I could read, but I started a book a few weeks back and I'm just not into it. And I still can't get back into that Harold Potter book, why did that JK Rowling have to make them so damned long? She did it on purpose I tell you. She made the first one nice and short to get us hooked, then she started making them longer and longer, now you have to read through 100 pages before Harry even leaves the Dursleys, and by page 200 he's still chilling like a MoFo waiting to head off to school. That new book came out (something about a prince) and I was like "Yeah, not buying that shit..." I haven't got time to read about how he's pissed off about not being a Prefect or not getting any booty at Hogwarts. Tough times abound all over Harry!

In any case, I want to clear up that I don't arrange myself around my TV; if I see it, I see it, if I can't, I try to tape it (or make a frantic call to my cousin to tape it for me) but if I miss it (like last night), it's all good. I think my previous post lead people to believe that I was watching TV 24/7 or something. But I don't - I miss some shows. And I'll survive...somehow. Which is more than I can say for Brianna - who I hear got voted out on Survivor last night. Sorry Paul - best wishes to your remaining team member, and so much for that flying under the radar plan you had!

My next post will deal with the death of Michael Vaughn and my unhappiness with Alias's producers, directors, writers and all those who work, associate or provide goods or services to the American Broadcasting System. They are lucky I'm dying to figure out what's going on in that hatch on Lost, or else I'd start my boycott, similar to the Survivor boycott of '02 and '03. It wasn't pretty folks (no water cooler talk for a whole year!)

Ciao people - and if you are free on Sunday, come on out to the Ironworker's Hall for Tricia's benefit - it's 1-6 and tickets are 20 bucks each. You know you want the beer and pizza! And if you aren't free just give me twenty bucks for the cause! You can afford it!

Gone Fishing

What a great time for a little family vacation!

Miss Madeline!

Here is the most recent picture of Miss Madeline - Amy said her nickname is Chubbs (because of the double chin) but I think that is just the way she was sitting. Although I did tell my friend Marcie the other day that her (Madeline's) cheeks were pushing the maximum weight density. She is just so damned cute though!!!!

Tuesday, Tuesday

Just sing that title to the tune of Monday, Monday and you'll understand where I'm coming from. I have to say that if I was ever thinking of writing a song about a day, it would be about Friday. Friday is just full of promise. You have the whole weekend stretched out in front of you, and every other Friday, my work presents me with a check in exchange for the "work" I've done in the previous two weeks. Plus, there is Friday Fish Fry, which is also fun and delcious. Yes, I think it is safe to say I would be able to write a song about Friday fairly easily.

So the TV season is in full swing, and my friend Rob (Bob) said that he has a grid to keep track of his TV watching and I laughed my ass off until I realized that I too need a grid or some sort of Excel spreadsheet to keep track. I also need to purchase some blank tapes as I'm too poor for TiVo. First and foremost, they have moved Alias to Thursday nights against Survivor. While Survivor does piss me off, I have to watch it since it's the program of choice in my house, and cause I have money riding on it. And whle I love Alias, I am very upset about their choice to off Vaughn from the show, so I'll be showing my non-support by setting the VCR each week. I hope their ratings go in the toilet and the ad prices go down for them and they realize how damned stupid they are being. STUPID!

Next up, we have the Amazing Race and Nip/Tuck. Tonight's Amazing Race is going to be on from 9-11 p.m. - but I have a meeting this evening, so I said I would tape it. But oh, no, Nip/Tuck is on at 10 p.m. What am I going to do, my VCR is already taken up! What if I get home at like 10:15 and I miss the beginning, you can't miss the beginning, I mean, it's not like the episodes are the same each week. You just don't know who is going to sleeping with who and who is going to be fathering someone's child, it could be status quo one week and all up in the air the next. What is a girl to do?

Also, I've been watching Vegas this season, which runs at 9 p.m., just after Kitchen Confidential is on. Now you might ask why I'm watching some cheddar new show on Fox, but Bradley Cooper of Alias (and Wedding Crasher) fame is on it. So I'm giving it a whirl. Now it wasn't laugh out loud funny, but I thought it would do in a pinch. However, if one night of TV must go, it would be Monday. I'm not commited to Vegas like I'm commited to Lost, which is just confusing me more and more as the episodes fly by. What happened to the freaking raft for crying out loud?!?!

So there you have it folks - my problems in a nutshell. I don't know how I'm going to deal with all this TV confusion. Maybe they have a support group for people like me, but it would have to meet on Friday or Saturday when I don't have any TV to watch. Cause Sunday is Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy night.

And does anyone else thing that Ty Pennington from that Amazing House Makever bullshit show is just so full of shit? I love how he forces to squeak out a few tears each episode, like he really gives two shakes of a stick. And I swear to god, him and his "secret special" room need to get out of the closet right now and admit they are in love with the lighting specialist.

Vallon - OUT

Arrrghhh Maties - it's Arrived!

It's finally September 19th - the Official

Talk Like a Pirate Day

For more information on how you can celebrate this special day, click here!

Latest Email

I just got an email with the title

Why Men Don't Take Woman On Vacation.

It contained the photos posted in this post and the next three. NICE HUH?

Isn't

This

Nice...

Amazing Discoveries!

This was discovered today by my friend Jeff.

"If you spell test and accidentally shift one letter over with your left hand, you can make a twat."

Amazing!

Update!

I have been corrected. The Bee Chicken was NOT ordered from The Great Wall - it was from the Chinese Kitchen, which I believe to be on Elmwood very near to ETS (across the street from Mobil.) I hope the previous post didn't lead anyone astray - it is SAFE to eat at the Great Wall. Just steer clear from Chinese Kitchen. Who knows what might end up in your egg roll!

By the way MoFos, what's with you not leaving any comments? It's free and easy, so give 'em up peeps!! Don't make me say Dude, WTF again!

The Chinese Food Story

As promised, the bee story. Please don't mock the graphics.




About two weeks ago we were stumped for something to eat here at work. I believe I'm the idiot who said "Chinese?" We all placed our orders from the Great Wall (on Elmwood) - Sesame Chicken for me. Not the lunch special, but the one that comes in the container with the rice on the side. That's what I'm talking about. So it's about 12:20 when the food arrives and by then we are all starving. So we start eating and things are going fine until I'm on, oh, about my fourth piece. I decide I need more sauce so I got into the container and get some more sauce, then I see a nice little piece that is calling out "eat me, eat me!" So I put it on my fork and there's something on it (see exhibit 1). It was roundish shaped and at first I thought it was a ladybug. I was like "Oh Jesus," cause I was hungry, you know how when you are hungry at lunch, it's like "I gotta eat!" So I stare at it and I'm like "hmm.." Everyone says "what" with that voice like "We know you are going to tell us but we really don't want to know."

I hold up my fork (with the chicken and the unidentified thing on the chicken) and say "What do you make of this?" You can tell everyone in the room is like "glad that wasn't mine." Obviously I'm not going to eat that piece, so I said I'll just throw it out. As I'm chucking it into the bag Chris says "it looks like a bee." Now I had thought that earlier, but I wasn't going to SAY anything. Since I'm still starving, I keep eating. I finish what's on my plate cause i'm that hungry. Then I'm digging around the container and I'm moving things around to make room for the rice and I push over a piece of chicken, where I find more of something. I like to call them Exhibits 2 and 3. To that I announced "and we've found the rest of the bee." The whole freaking bee was in my Chinese Food, plus, it must have gotten mixed around which is where it came to play that exhibits 1, 2 and 3 were seperated from each other.

Now I know I've done some writing over the labels of the bee above, but I think you can read very clearly that the first piece I found (Exhibit 1) includes the small intestine, the poison sack, the RECTUM and the stomach, which is close to the point of fracture (the bee was ripped between the "honey stomach" and the "wing muscles.") I am trying not to think about it, but i'm sure some of it's honey stomach was mixed up in my delicious chicken and I should have been smart enough to throw the whole lunch out, but damn, I was hungry (as mentioned above.)

So there is the story, wtih a very good moral. If it looks like a bee, it probably is a bee. Don't go looking for more, just throw the chicken away. And don't order from the Great Wall.

Happy Friday!

Ship Jumpers!

So I wasn't the only one who was upset about the ship jumpers yesterday. I received this message from a friend!

"I will shove my wooden peg leg up their ass for jumpin ship."

For those who DID jump ship, you missed a damned fun time, Skippy! It was really nice, and everyone loved my four cheese platter, complete with pepperoni, which Jane sliced herself. (She cut the cheese too...hahahaha!) Some highlights of the night were:

-Sandy arriving as the boat was pulling away from the Dock. Poor little lamb was waiting on the other side of the restaurant and stood there so sad looking as all of us stared at her thinking "oh girl, you're late."

-Me, upon seeing Sandy and Robert chatting, asking "do you know her?" and Sandy saying "everyone knows me Lor, I was standing there watching the boat sail away!"

-Robert telling Sandy "Yeah, when I saw her on the dock I said 'I'm glad that's not me'."

-Everyone getting a dollar back (to tip the bartender) from their original payment of $23!

-Me, sliding the cheese tray down the boat to share with others, and narrowly avoiding a cheese spilling emergency by Mindy's quick and steady hand.

-Jane getting a drink from the bar and telling my Uncle that "the girl makes 'em strong," when the same girl had been making the drinks all night.

-Jane asking "where is the city," then looking to the left and saying "oh there it is."

-Being told by Ryan that his worst fear was no one coming to his wake or funeral, but that since I knew so many people on the boat, people would surely come to mine.

-Finding out that if anything did in fact happen to me, people on the boat would attend the 2-4 p.m. laying out at the Funeral Parlor so they could go to Happy Hour after.

The worst part of the evening, in my opinion, is when the boat was nearing the dock and we knew we had to get off - the night went WAY too fast. Next year I say we go out twice!!!!!

Who's with me?

ROBERT GRAVES IS MY HERO

I went to the Darcy McGees last week Friday and discovered they have a kick ass free Happy Hour Buffet. So I just decided that I'd like to take all my readers out to dinner on Friday evening, say about 6 p.m., Darcy McGees, near the corner of Franklin and Chippewa. Meet me near the buffet, and bring your own plate. The ones they give you are much to small to fill you up, and I don't want you to go away hungry. And remember - this is my treat. If you are extra nice, there will be a glass of water in it for you too!

Tonight is the sail on the Moondance - I'm excited. Except we had some last minute cancellations. Don't get me wrong - I know things creep up. Kids, families, sicknesses, cramps, all that stuff. But somehow someone telling me "A quick note to let you know that I will be unable to attend Moondance tonight. Sorry!!" just doesn't do it for me. First of all, it was sent at 2:47. You just found out at 2:45 you couldn't go? OK fine. Well give me a good excuse then. And don't send me a "quick note." Explain to me why I now have to explain to 36 other people that the price is going to be extra (five hours before we sail) cause you and your husband are a bunch of flakes. Somehow the quick note just doesn't do it. I need answers. The truth! I can handle the truth!

In other news - I think I'm becoming a pizza snob. I used to just think it was all good, but lately I'm becoming this snooty connoisseur who eats a piece and says "Oh, no, this just won't do." Don't get me wrong people, I eat it still. But my heart just isn't into it. I think to myself "oh how I wish this was from Picassos!" It remains my favorite from a Pizzeria, with Pizza Hut my favorite from a restaurant. And I know you are thinking "Pizza Hut? Be you sick Lori?" I just love it! I think it's the deep fried goodness on the bottom, cause Pan is my favorite. You can take that thin crust and return it right back to the buffet where you got it from thank you very much.

Well, I must bid you adeiu as my eye patch needs to be picked up from the cleaners. Ahoy maties!

My Name is Luca

I live on the second floor!

OK this might be TMI for some of you out there but I'm going to Happy Hour tonight so I decided to freshen up and put on some new deoderant. I had this little sample size in my desk drawer with my other toiletries (yeah, like I'd keep work files in there) and I just tried it. Damned baby, I smell good! The scent was Pear Illusion by Secret. Strong enough for a man but what man would be caught dead wearing Pear Deoderant. Anyway, I'm not sure if they make it anymore because it got it from a little sampler bag with an auction item I won last year, but if it works, I think I'm hooked. I may never have to wear Eu de Parfum again!

This weekend I intend on sleeping late. If that doesn't get carried out, I plan on taking naps to make up for the sleep I missed when I didn't sleep late. I'm going to have to remember to cut off liquids after 9 p.m. - if I don't I'll be getting up at 7 a.m. to pee and I'm sorry, but that just ruins everything. By then it's light out and you feel like a lazy sack of shit for going back to bed, when why should you really? It's your life, do what you want! But NO, all those people with homes and kids and responsibilites are up already doing their laundry and bills and gardening and grocery shopping and you are a lazy asshole just sleeping the day away. What do you have nothing better to do? Are you just a total lazy slob? Why don't you get off your butt and DO something?

Anyone else feel this when they wake up prematurely? That they have to get up cause others are? Just checking.

I'm off to get my drinks bitches. Coming next week, I promise, is the bee story. Oh and my review of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Two thumbs up - which I never thought I'd see the day!

We Don't Need No Stinkin' Animal Pictures

Here are some pics of Andrew's trip to African Lion Safari. And yes, he was accompanied by an adult. I am proud to show you this succession of Live Action shots!

By the By - the photos I'm uploading are all labeled "Balls" (1, 2, 3, etc.) on my desktop. Yes, BALLS! How exciting is that?

Preparing to dismount...

Note the excited expression and wild arms flailing!

A perfect landing!

I like to call this next photo "someone please feed me." Note the upper chest and how the ribs show. I must remind you that the boy does eat - I've seen it. If you're eating, he's eating. I just don't understand why it all goes into his teeny belly!

By the by, this photo is labeled "RIBS."

It's the same water!

That's all I got. I do have to tell you the Bee story still but I just don't have the energy to write it up and I know there will be questions which I don't know if I can answer. Plus, there will be judgment - I know it!

OH YEAH - I'M TWO ALRIGHT!

Doesn't Anyone Understand My Sarcasm?

I got this forward entitled Zen Sarcasm and I got a real hoot holler out of a few of them, so I'm posting them here. Two of them remind me of Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy which I really miss. Actually I just miss when SNL was actually entertaining. Hope everyone enjoys this rainy day - just think, your lawn needs it. Stay tuned for the next installment of Dude, WTF when I engage all my readers with a story of how I found a BEE (Yes, you read it right) in my Chinese Food yesterday.

1. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
2. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
3. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
4. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
5. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
6. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Shady's Back - Tell a Friend

Yes, Yes, I'm back from vacation and I'm actually out of the hibernation which I spent the last two days in. Seeing as I have to go back to work tomorrow I thought now was as good a time as any to pretend I actually care about what's going on in the world.

So how about that Peter Jennings? And how about I heard Katie Couric talking about lung cancer and him and I didn't even put two and two together (I missed the beginning of the newscast.) Personally I'm more upset about Hunter Kelly. He didn't spend years of his life smoking....

Anyway, until I get some pics from vaca I'll just be writing stuff here, I know, I know, the pictures keep you coming back. And get this - I didn't even WRITE this! My friend, who shall remain anonymous, requested that this be posted on the Blog. Please tell me your thoughts -

Is Pink the New Black??

Recently on a trip to the Sterling Renaissance Festival I was witness to an alarming trend among American Women. I know who we have to thank for it, but I will not name names... Lily Pulitzer should really sue IsaacMizrahi and Target for knocking off her Palm Beach esque line for all ofAmerica to wear.

The trend that I speak of is that people think thatPink is the new black and that it's slimming and that everyone looks great in it. There were countless women and a few men who felt it was their right towear this color. That regardless of their size or shape, that they had the right to wear it.

Pink is like Spandex, it's not a right.. its a privilege!

And let me just state for the record... I realize that the demographic of those who might attend the Sterling Renaissance Festival might be abit skewed to the low end of the human gene pool (MY SELF EXCLUDED OFCOURSE), but come on people... I have seen this in the office and even on TV...

Pink is NOT the New Black... Say it with me... PINK IS NOT THE NEW BLACK.

Leavin' On A Jet Plane

Well kiddies, the time has come. I'll be on vacation all next week with no access to email and no fancy camera phone with internet access, which can only mean one thing. No updates on the Blog from now until I get back, which is August 6th, but since I have stuff doing all that day, you are all looking at a whole WEEK of no updates from me. For those of you who rely on this blog to get through the day, I offer up these tips.

1. Go to The Onion - it's very funny!
2. Visit The Casual Friday - it will certainly make you laugh!
3. Appreciate The Cheese - a great way to laugh the night away.

if these don't provide what you have been missing from my blog, I apologize. I would recommend crawling into bed, getting into the fetal position and staying there for the next 8 days. Remember to bring the TV remote into the bed with you as not to miss the Wheel or the Price is Right.

So Kiss Me and Smile for Me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane (my airbus), don't know when I'll be back again (Saturday, the 6th.)

And yes, I'm kidding about the above, do you think anyone really relies on this blog? Jesus, take a joke man.

Ohhhhh I Hear Laughter in the Rain

Everyone Look at Lady Olivia, AKA, "Pretty In Pink!"

I just re-discovered Neil Sedaka. Not that it's an exciting re-discovery, I think he's dumb to be walking the rain when you can just wait out a storm and walk in the sun, but I digress.

Speaking of Discovery, can someone please explain to me why NASA is having all sorts of troubles with the space shuttle? They announced today they aren't going to send any more shuttles up until they worked out problems with debris. Well shouldn't that have been worked out a long time ago? How did we get all those shuttles up there in the 80s? And don't they already have a shuttle up there now? And if I remember correctly, the problem with Columbia came when they were flying back to Earth, not flying into space. So how are the people up there going to get home? And can you imagine for a second if you flew into space in July, and were stuck up there for the whole summer, maybe into September? You'd miss the season premiers of all the good TV shows! I would say that is cause for sueing, wouldn't you???

Riddle Me This Batman

Yes, once again, I have a question I'd like answered.

By now, many of you have heard the latest in the fabulous life of Jude Law, that he cheated on his 23-year old girlfriend Sienna Miller with a former nanny and Sienna is "enraged," in addition to being hurt, her mom is calling Jude "a bloody idiot," blah blah blah.

You can read more about it here.

Sienna Enraged Over Jude's Betrayal

Here's where I get confused. Sienna Miller and Jude Law started dating while Jude Law was married to Sadie Frost. So Sadie and Jude are together, and he does what? Sleeps with Sienna Miller. So first and foremost I'd like to point out Jude cheated on Sadie, and I'm sure Sadie was upset, but did she go an hide in the country feeling betrayed? No, she showed Jude who was boss and kept the kids! Secondly, and I already pointed this out, but Jude CHEATED ON SADIE. Did Sienna Miller actually think he'd be faithful? Might I bring up what Rachel Green's mother says? "Once a cheater, always a cheater!"

So here is my question.

Do you think Sienna Miller really thought she was woman enough to keep his private parts private for long?

Yes or No!

Where's My Photos David?

As many of you know we took the annual family trip to Cedar Point last week and David took many, many photos which captured our journey. They are mostly of Jack, but there are some other winners which were taken throughout the day. Well David said "Yeah Yeah, I'll upload them when I get home." That was Tuesday. Today is Monday, one week later, and still, I have no pictures. How am I going to share them with my readers if I don't have access to them? It's just not right I say! Share the link David, Share the link!

I saw the funniest movie ever last week, the Wedding Crashers. HILARIOUS my friends, absolutely hilarious. If you have the time and means, I highly suggest going. And tell all your friends, it's a winner!

Next week is Sunset Bay week which I'm very excited about. I have decided I WILL NOT BE checking into work ONE time the whole week. I haven't had a vacation where I didn't check in since, um, I'm not sure. I can't remember the last time. So this will be a good one! I'm not trying to come off like the agency is going to crumble if I don't check in, but it always seems like something is going on that I have to check on during the week. Not now though! I'm sitting on my ass all week and will not be disturbed.

MOONDANCE Excursion - Wednesday, August 24th, the boat sails from 8:15 - 10:15. The more people we have the cheaper it is! If we fill the boat with 45 people (the max) it'll only be 18.50 per person. Woowoo! So be there or be square!

And finally - this guy at work shared all his CDs on DVD with me and he had the song Bump N Grind by R. Kelly. I put it on my computer thinking it was good, but it is just NOT good. He probably wrote it while thinking about a 12 year old girl! Sicko....

Ciao bella!

Punishment Island

I feel as if I've been neglecting the Blog this week, which I know upsets my readers (the four of you) but I don't really have anything new to report. I did have a chance to attend Ryan and Kevin's hockey game at the Pepsi Center on Monday. They were on the "Feature Rink" which I think really stands for "The biggest arena we have and we don't have to air condition it because we know you'll stay in there, otherwise you'll look rude." Alas, the game was lost, however, I was witness to THREE, count 'em, three fights, all of which were very exciting. I saw four team members get ejected from the game, but I was behind these glass walls so I couldn't hear any good swearing. Except from this girl who was cheering on the opposing team, and yelled at one of the guys who started a fight "Hey yellow, good job you f-ing homo" whilst holding her 2-year old daughter in her arms. Thus proving what we already knew - any idiot can have a child.

Oh, also exciting this week, I had another very odd dream. I don't think this one will ever be explained, but you know those things that hold the end of your shoelace together? Yeah, you know 'em, cause there is a picture here. Anyway, one of them was in my nose. So there I was, blowing my nose (sorry if that grosses you out) and this thing comes out. I thought it was very odd (in my dream) since I couldn't feel it in there, but then waking up I realized it wasn't just odd, it was just wrong! What goes on at night when I'm sleeping?

In other news, I was watching the weather channel this morning to see if we would break 90 (we aren't going to today) and in Vegas, the weatherman is calling for a high of 115. I don't think my brother has AC in his work truck, so I'm going to go out on a limb and predict today is going to SUCK for him.

Fly the "Friendly" Skies

An anonymous tipster has pointed out that "Airlines could make BIGGER money if when you booked, you had the option of choosing a theme flight offering special meals. Expanding on the food realization, you could book the 7am Pizza Hut flight to Hoboken or the 915am Hot Dog Heaven flight to Portland."

What a wonderful idea. I already know about theme flights. I recently learned that Hooters operates a flight to South Carolina, and I read in Allure just this morning that there is a nude flight from Miami to Cancun. Perhaps all flights should have a theme. There could be tons of them! The "Stuffy Business Flyer" flight. The "I Haven't Flown In A While" flight. The "I'm Returning Home From Disney World With My Kids and Need Extra Overhead Bin Space for All the Shit They Made Me Buy" flight. Possibilities are really endless.

Now for the food flights, I know what flights I would take. I would definately fly the Pizza Hut Flight, in addition to the Burger King flight to Monte Carlo, the Taco Bell flight to Dallas, and the Arby's flight to Denver. I would not, however, book the Mighty Taco flight to Mexico (cause I don't like MT) or the Ponderosa flight to Cheyenne (could you imagine the restroom after four hours??)

On a side note, I am willing to bet the people on the nude flight from Miami to Cancun would be enjoying a Vegan Flight, which served all vegetables and soy burgers. Here's hoping!

Are there any flights that you'd like to see? Please comment below (I welcome all comments as long as you aren't mean!)

I Have (Well, I HAD) a Dream

So by now, many of you are aware of the crazy, insane dreams which plague me each and every night. Rarely a night goes by there I don't have one, but sometimes I only remember them long enough to roll over and hit snooze. But sometimes they stay with me (if they are that messed up, or that good.)

Others may be aware of my obsession with U2 frontman Bono. You might not know it, but I'm going to be close to that man by hook or by crook when he comes to Buffalo. Not like I'm going to stalk him (not in that sense of the word) but I'll be waiting behind the arena when they arrive here in December. And I want pictures - good pictures! I'm not talking pictures of him through the tinted glass of his card. I'm talking rolled down window, arm sticking out and waving to me pictures. That's my dream! But that is what I HOPE for. My real dream, which already occured, is below.

Dream Portion

So it's December and I'm at the HSBC Arena. It looks nothing like it really does, and the back of it is actually an area with two shorty escalators that aren't neccesary. But I don't care - I just know that there is a big crowd of people standing around someone, and word spreads, it's BONO! I start flipping out and run back to my friends to get my camera. I somehow end up with the camera and a spiral notebook - like the kind I used in high school. By the time I get back the crowd is gone and I see Bono walking away and I yell "Bono!" He kind of turns around and looks at me and I'm all running up to him like a fool waving my spiral bound notebook in his face. He gives me this look like "shit bitch, you is crazy." So I start babbling on and on to him about how I'm so happy to be meeting him and I'm still getting the looks. This can't be happening I tell myself. I can't be meeting him for the first time and he's looking at me like I'm a nut job. But it is. He's writing some crap in my notebook which you know he doesn't mean and I start getting upset. Then it happens. I finally say something to him and he smiles. The trouble is, I don't know what I said. He looks at me and starts laughing, then laughing more, and then he leans in and kisses me. Not like mackin' on me peeps - he's just giving me a peck. And then, get this, he gives my camera to his bodyguard to take a pic. The bodyguard of all people - that is like the highest insult! Mind you there is NO one else around, somehow no one else notices this is going on. So his bodyguard takes our pic and Bono is gushing about how I'm so great to support One.org (of course I'm wearing my bracelet, child please). And I'm like "Oh you are such an inspiration," which right now seems just silly, like I'd ever tell him that.

Please keep in mind that if any of this happened there would be 500 other people there pushing and shoving and I'd be there like this..."uhhhhh uhhhh" and then he'd be like "who brought the mook?" But I digress, that didn't happen yesterday - no siree bob...he was all up in my grill. Just cause it was a dream doesn't mean it'll never happen.

MLK had a dream you know....

Long Weekend Thoughts and Realizations

1. Considered making “Roll that beautiful bean footage” my new catchphrase.

2. Realized I don’t like that bald guy hocking Bush’s beans, nor do I like Bush's beans (or any baked beans for that matter) and decided against it.

3. Called my six lb. cousin “Thunder Thighs.”

4. Called my newly blonde headed (and eye browed) cousin “Albino.”

5. Ran quickly from his mother after she overheard me.

6. Dreamt I was late for Russian and when I finally arrived the teacher told me I was failing the course. Got really worried. Woke up in cold sweat.

7. Smile a big shit eating grin after realizing I was no longer in high school.

8. Started to feel bad for all the kids born in 2000 cause those suckers have to start school in September. Laughed heartily.

9. Decided pedicures are the “crack” of the future.

10. Took a big hit of crack.

11. Realized airlines could make BIG MONEY if they sold Pringles and Personal Pan Pizzas en flight.

12. Emailed the fledgling US Airways with the idea.

13. Ripped out front teeth in attempt to convince the HR department I had scurvy.

14. Told the president of my agency “saying it and doing it are two different things,” a la the Huntington Learning Center Commercial, after he told me he would review a memo.

15. Spread malaria rumors amongst friends who also have several mosquito bites from watching fireworks outdoors.

16. Got fired (see number 14).

17. Shot a man directly between the eyes for making fun of me whilst I ate my salami sub alone at Wegmans.

18. Put the squirt gun back in my purse to conceal the evidence.

Thoughts for Thursday

Taking a page from Casual Friday, I thought I’d share with you a few of the things I did yesterday:

1. Decided that while I do like living in America, I still want to give Janet Jackson’s “Rhythm Nation” a try.

2. Dreamed my teeth were moving closer and closer together and were going askew. Thank heavens, that was just a dream.

3. Contemplated ordering my burrito in Spanish yesterday at Taco Bell, but decided against it as I didn’t know how to say “no beans” in any other language than English.

4. Gave a man a big smile after he sped around me on the right hand side, waved his arms at me as to indicate “why are you so slow,” and got stopped by a red light. The smile indicated “You deserve it you ignorant fuck.”

5. Discovered I am worth $1,717,004 at Human For Sale

6. Made a child cry by refusing to share my Anderson’s Artic Swirl. Laughed.

7. Wondered by so many people like the summer and the warm weather whilst sweating profusely on my way out to the car.

8. Clicked on the “what I’m listening to” button on MSN Messenger. Got many questions about why I was listening to Mariah Carey.

9. Dreamed I was in a bridesmaid in a wedding, and was at the actual ceremony in my dress, without my hair done, and without lipstick on. The wedding was held up while I put the lipstick on in the back of the church – and by the time I reached the front row of pews, it had worn off.

10. Decided I was a fool for selling that “10,000 Dreams Interpreted” book at my parent’s garage sale.

Pop Goes the Weasel

OK - I just got this foward sent to me which must be shared.

"An operations manager for Jack in the Box was late for a meeting and called his boss to tell him he was running late. As he was leaving the voice mail message, he witnessed an accident and went on to provide "play by play" of the incident. This is the actual voice mail message. It was forwarded so many times within Jack in the Box, it crashed their voice mail server."

Click here to listen (it starts out slow but gets much better, just keep listening!)

It's just good stuff.

Sonsabitches!

So last week, after I posted that picture of Michael, I looked at some porn here at work, then I had to clean out my cookies. Whilst doing so, I cleaned out my sign in information for Blogger. So yesterday I tried to login and post something and entered my info and Dude, WTF wasn't coming up so I could edit it. I was very confused. I became convinced that something wasn't showing up on my computer and began spewing obscenities about Microsoft Internet Explorer and how they were trying to F me! So today I tried again and nothing. I went to Jeffrey's computer and tried there. Nothing. Jeffrey says "Do you have more than one login?"

Silence.

Yeah Yeah Yeah, I DO have more than one I guess - I just didn't know it cause I'm a retard. So if I ever forget, remind me that my username is notoriouslav! And then call me a reet right to my face cause I deserve it.

Work has been really, busy lately, I seem to be getting a ton of stuff handed to me. I sure wish I had some monkey intern here to hand the stuff to them, then I could put my feet up, sip a hawaiian punch and relax. But I digress.

Monday night I was to attend a roller hockey game at the Pepsi Center but I forgot about it until about 7 p.m. that night, when it was starting. And boy, am I mad. I found out from Ryan that they had what is called a "Bench Clearing Brawl." Is everyone out there familiar with this? I had to repeat the phrase to myself a few times before I mastered it, and now it's right up there at the top of the charts of things I like to say, right there with "That's what I'm talkin' bout" and "I nearly pissed myself." Try to use it in a sentance today, it's fun.

Anyway, back to the brawl. I guess the opposing team was starting some crap with Kevin (W - the daddy) and Ryan's team and the opposing team's GOALIE got in on the brawl, which I hear NEVER happens. So then everyone from the opposing team was off the bench so everyone from Kevin and Ryan's team got off their bench and it was every man for himself, they were all pairing off, except for the case of a man that was being held down by Kevin and some other player, who Ryan considered skating over to, but then realized to himself "what was I going to do, kick him?" I told him he should have given him the wet-willy. The best part about the brawl was that everyone in the Pepsi Center came running over and was staring through the glass to check it out, even the figure skaters! Isn't that exciting? If I had been there I would have been beating my fists on the glass and yelling CRUSH THEM or something very cuthroat. I will be attending their next game on July 11th so if you know any other cuthroat sayings please let me know and I will cross my fingers for another brawl, then use those sayings. I must say - violence is the best when it's used for my entertainment. Otherwise I have no use for it....

I found the funniest freaking blog today - so funny that I wanted to STEAL stuff and post it here (like I wrote it myself). But that is just wrong! So what I'm gonna do is post the addy here so you can visit this blog and see for yourself what I was laughing about. Do it, do it, do it (picture me saying that like Ben Stiller did in Starsky and Hutch.)

The Casual Friday

So does anyone else share the opinion that Tom Cruise has gone a little bit crazy cakes? I like him, and I want to see his new movie, but the whole Katie Holmes thing still has me scratching my head, and the man needs to seriously, seriously chat with his publicity rep (his sister) who should inform him that going on TV shows and talking about how you know more than DOCTORS do about depression and medication and challenging the interviewer and jumping up and down on sofas going haaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaa and scaring Oprah just ain't good. That's the kind of shit that'll get ya labeled Crazy Cakes by LoriV. Well, almost all that stuff - scare Oprah all you want, I have no use for that POS.

Oh, and I wanted to include a photo to break up all this text but I don't have any new pictures of the baby or anything good to post so you are getting the old standby - Bono sereneding me with "With or Without You" and me yelling at him because I don't like that song that much. (I like it a little, not a lot. Let's put it this way, if I never heard it again I'd be OK. And no, you cannot call me a non-fan cause I don't like one song. 50 million U2 fans CAN be wrong.)

AND finally - I learned that with MSN Messanger you can play games like Wheel of Fortune and Mahjong, in addition to chatting, and I LOVE it! You should all download it! Version 7.0 is where it's at!

Out.

(I tricked you when I told you I looked at porn, didn't I? DIDN'T I? Mooohaaaa)

Conversations with Michael

Welcome Baby Madeline

Here is Baby Madeline Sophia at 10 days old!

Life's Lesson's Learned

Cheryl's First Day of Summer Vacation with Baby Jack!

by Cheryl B. (the mother)

I decided after Jack's afternoon nap and BATH to take him with me to the landscaping place. I had to return a dead plant and buy a new one and it was such a nice day yesterday. I was feeling great and Jack was in a wonderful mood! So at the store the guy tells me to go outside and mill around for a new plant. I took Jack with me (in my arms) and he was getting heavy. There was NO WAY I was going to put my little man into one of those DIRT FILLED carts. I found the plant I wanted and bent down to look at the price. As I did so I set Jack down. Now, before I go any further I must tell you that the whole ground was bone dry (except for 2 little mud puddles). So I turn my head to look at the price and then look back at Jack................who is now sitting his tiny butt in the DIRTY mud puddle. He was soaked and dirty!!!!! He continued to splash around and play. I could no longer carry him all wet and dirty, so there I was begging the one year old to please hold my hand. On the way home he had to sit on a blanket or else his carseat would be full of mud. And that leaves us yesterday to bath number 2! Nice huh? Moral of the story - Use the DIRT FILLED carts that the nursery provides!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now you all know how I speak of Baby Jack - do you think he's really capable of this? He's so cute and loveable and good!

I shant believe it!

And I'm not sure of the nursery she went to but for a nursery it doesn't sound very child friendly...

Walking CLUE Board

So check out the link below and view this photo and caption on Yahoo. (I would have posted the pic here but Yahoo is f-n with me and won't let me save the photo as a JPG. They thought they'd try to keep me down!)

After you click and view, click your back button and get back to my blog!

Creepiest Man Ever Who The Thought Of His Existence Will Keep You Up At Night

My friend Ryan has this to say about the young Canadian lassy. Just you try and disagree!




"That guy was a walking Clue boardgame...he had the pipe, gun, knife, rope, and candlestick all on him at once....no need to investigate this one!"

Alms for the Poor!

Maybe beggars SHOULD be choosers!

I received an email today regarding an upcoming auction to benefit the scholarship fund for PRSA, which I am a member of. Here is the basic info (edited of course - because who has time to read all this crap.) BTB, my favorite part is in bold!

For the past several years PRSA Buffalo/Niagara has held a silent auction at the Excalibur awards dinner. Proceeds support our May C. Randazzo Scholarship for college juniors and seniors planning a public relations career.

Our primary source of funding is the silent auction. Since the auction is so important to the success of this event, we are asking for your help in donating auctions items.

Last year items donated included a week at a condo in St. Augustine, Florida; UB Distinguished Speaker Series tickets; tickets to the BPO, Darien Lake, Shea's and other culturals; gift baskets, wine, a day of golf, spa day, clothing, and other great items.

If you don't work for a firm that can donate an item, take a look at gifts you may have received for a birthday, seasonal celebration or other event that you can "re-gift" (we have no shame!)


OK so here is where I burst out laughing. They are actually encouraging us to give our leftover crap? Should I email them back and let them know that my dad is having a garage sale next week with "Rock Bottom" pricing? Maybe they'll head over for some of his used shit...

I was thinking of finding the dumbest thing I could find on this earth and donating it. Have you received something so stupid, meaningless and downright awful that it pained you to open it and pained you more to have to pretend you liked it? Well, you just let me know because I can donate it to this auction, then I'll have the JOY of seeing it displayed out on the Chinese auction table with no tickets in the basket - mabye that'll teach them shame.

Tag This

Before you go tagging me, I'm already done....

1.) Total number of books I have owned:

Does this include children’s books? Cause LoriV was a big-time freakazoid over the Babysitter Club and Sweet Valley High (and Twins) books, so I had about 250 right there. And Little House on the Prairie, that’s the ticket. And Nancy Drew, can’t forget that bitch. Made me wonder who the person whodunit was for 200 pages when I knew the secret was in the old chest all along.

So that is a lot. I guess I’d have to say about 900. Add the above, the random RL Steins, the stupid school books, and all the books I keep buying now and never reading, I’m way up there.

2.) The last book I bought:

I purchased two books in the same shot from Amazon to save on the price. One was U2 & I by Anton Corbin, U2’s photographer for the past 20 years. Great book, but really pricey, so I can’t see a lukewarm fan buying it. They can borrow mine, but don’t touch it, your fingers have destructive oils.

I also bought Conversations with Bono, written by a lucky bastard who got to sit with Bono and conversate with him about everything and anything. Jerk.

3.) The last book I read:

The last book I read was Conversations with Bono, but I’m still reading it.

The last book I read to completion was a cheesy Sandra Brown novel that I finished in one night cause I was bored. It was probably called Heaven's Wish or Temptation's Kiss. I wish I could tell you I read something really important or meaningful instead of a tale of a 28 year old, gorgeous, successful, business woman who just happens to be a virgin but then meets the man of her dreams who at first she doesn’t like, but then she falls for him. And to tell you the God’s honest truth, I read this book and another book by Sandra Brown in the same week and they BOTH had that plotline!

4.) Five books that mean a lot to me:

Let me preface by saying that Carl’s list had all these insightful books – some classics, a book of poems. Being that I was in the retard English Class we didn’t have to read the classics, so I have gone my entire life without reading Catcher in the Rye, To Kill a Mockingbird and For Whom the Bell Tolls. So I don’t have a big list of books that I particularly think MEAN anything to me, just ones that I like.

They are (and in no order)

U2 - At the End of the World: The best U2 biography written (it follows them from the recording of Achtung Baby to the completion of the ZooTV Tour, from 1990-1994.) It’s my standby book – if I don’t have anything else to read I bring this on vacation. I’ve read it at least 10 times. Rock on Bill Flanagan!

Little House on the Prairie - Farmer Boy: My favorite in the series, the story of young Almanzo Wilder growing up in the Dakotas and getting his first calf. I did a book report on this book I loved it so much. Rock on Laura Ingalls Wilder!

Forever: Now if you didn’t read this I’m not sure how you knew about, um, you know what! Rock on Judy Blume!

The Partner: The first John Grisham book I ever read – and one that I thought was so good I couldn’t bear to put it in garage sale fodder. You rock on John – rock on for staying on the shelf for two years!

Becoming a Public Relations Writer: Who knew I’d put a school book on this list – but it was really good and I still refer to it when I’m stuck. Plus I give it to the interns from the school that shall not be named when I need them to write something. The school rhymes with Felicious.

5. Tag five people and have them fill this out on their blogs:

No No, it's OK cause I'm not going to tag you. If you want to fill it out, rock on!

ALDI?

Why yes, those are the Mr. Potato Head Glasses.

And yes, that is some drool on his chin. He really enjoyed the sale prices!

The Polls Are Open

Consider it early November - the polls are now open for votes on what to refer to John Stevens as. This is a result of a very unhappy visitor who left this comment.

"There's only one rosey cheeked bastard and its not the American Idol loser!!The rosey cheek bastard I'm talking about works at the one & only Store 87!How DARE you put that name on someone else.I'll let it go this time, but please find a new name for Mr. Stevens."

I have to admit, I did steal the rosy cheeked bastard name from the rosy cheeked bastard at Store 87, Wegman's Losson Road. But I didn't do it to offend, I had no idea it was Trademarked. I apologize.

So you all let me know what I need to start calling that chucklehead from now on, cause I'm certainly not going to refer to him as anything positive. Unless I call him "The 3rd Place Loser."

Really, No Need for a Title

So I learned from J that when you do a Google search for Appreciate the Cheese, the first search result is Carl’s blog. Carl's response upon hearing this was, and I quote,

"I won’t be satisfied until it’s the first thing that comes up when you search for “Crazy Fuck!”

Enough said I say!

Hosed at the SPoT!

This morning I toted my cookies all the way down to the SPot Coffee on Delaware and Chippewa because we were going to talk about the Race for the Cure on the Spot 2 Be - which airs live at 6:15. So there I am, 6:05 in the morning, searching for a place to park where the meter lady won't hose me. So I pull up to the joint and don't I see that rosy cheeked bastard from American Idol, old Carrot Top himself, John Stevens, walking in the door with his pasty faced friend. OK to be fair his friend wasn't pasty faced, he looked kind of normal. And of a normal weight compared to this Stevens kid - his jeans must have been purchased in the boys department.

So I learned there were three events they were promoting that morning - ours, something at St. Mary's School for the Deaf and something at Williamsville HS, hence the rosy cheeked crooner. We were first. Rock on! We had to stand off to the side because there were so many of us and I had to leave my purse away from me, which is not something I do very often. If I ever lose my purse, I'm nailed, so I always like to keep it at the ready. So I put it down on a chair with my keys and my morning copy of the Buffalo News. I like to buy it at least twice a month, seeing as I write it off as a business expense each year. But I digress.

My purse is the chair and I notice the Stevens boy is very close to it. We were standing very close together and I whispered to Kristen, "bastard better not try any funny business." I mean, he's nice and all, whatever, but it's a nice purse. Plus, he's probably used to getting free stuff. Luckily he didn't try anything. He did his little interview and he was only there as a pawn, he had to defer to his friend to do all the talking about the event. He was just there for some red eye candy!

So anyway, while he seemed nice and didn't steal my purse, the moral of the story is trust NO ONE! You never know when they might decide to go crazy and steal your phony purse.

And if you are a Steven's fan, I do apologize for calling him a rosy cheeked bastard - it just fit. He might be very sweet and kind and normal. But you didn't see him giving the ADULTS any autographs, did ya???

Mooooooohaaaaaaaa......

Three Day Weekend

OK so this is a big three day weekend, and inevitably everyone asks "got any big plans?" You know, that loser at work who has big plans and wants to share them with you and says "got any big plans" with a big old shit eating grin on their face and a chuckle whilst they pull up their pants by the belt. Trouble is that I don't have a 'full weekend' like this loser who asks.

Let me clarify by saying that I'm not complaining, as there are certainly things I can do at home. Like introduce my bathtub to a little solution called "Comet," or treat the carpet to a visit from the "vaccuum." But I know when I get back to work on Tuesday I'll get the "Oh, wasn't the weather so GOOOOOORGEOUS, did you do something goooooood?" And I'll be like "Oh, the weather was nice??"

As I live on the "Garden" level apartment, there have been days when it's really nice out and I have no clue. None, whatsoever. There are other days when it rains and the only reason I know is cause I can hear it. We can't keep the blinds open (you know, in case of peeping Toms) and sometimes I just don't look outside, or go outside all day. I mean, it's it really that bad to have an Alias Marathon? (I haven't done that, but it is in the plans eventually.)

I am writing about this here because I need a good way to comment back to people on why I didn't do anything. When they give me the shocked look of "OMG you wasted this GOOOOORGEOUS weekend?" what should I say? I was thinking of countering back with "Yeah, the herps really got me down," but then I run the risk of even worse looks than the wasted weather look. Should I just tell all the people who asked to FOAD???

For those who don't know what that means the last three words are Off And Die - you can figure out the F for yourself.

Please feel free to post your suggestions in the comments section below.

POW - but not a Prisoner of War!

A few years back my friends and I were tossing around the idea of renting a Winebago and going to Las Vegas. Once we looked into it realistically we realized it would cost a small fortune to do that. I always think about it though, thinking about how fun it would be to go cross country, sit up in the drivers seet and give everyone the "Free Pizza" arm. Well imagine my surprise when my friend V wrote this in an email this morning.

"I will be on vacation that week! Chris and I and my bro-in-law and wife are taking a road trip up north that week. We're renting a 30ft RV that's fully-loaded (can you say that about an RV?). I am so disappointed I won't be around for the party! But who knows? The POW may just have to swing by Allentown! POW stands for Party on Wheels by the way."

This really made me smile! First cause it's so cool to be doing it, second, she's calling it the Party on Wheels. I wish the Party on Wheels would swing by Cheektowaga and pick my sorry ass up!!!!

So the dream is not over. Maybe one day I'll rent the big RV and take the plunge. But I need to find someone foolish enough to drive it. (Although I'll do the Pizza Arm...)

Team Challenge

So you all know I'm doing the Race for the Cure right? Well I formed my team - Team Vallon once again. Well doesn't my friend Robert decide to get all up in my GRILL about his fundraising is all higher than mine. This conversation ensued:

Robert: WHAT YOU UP TO?I am up to $170 raised... how about you?

Me: Shut your ass up. I got 25 bucks...
I can't help it dude, all my friends are doing the race! Why didn't you join my team free-ack?

Robert: CUZ I have my OWN TEAM! BEEACH

Me: What are you - the wavey gravey team? [his last name rhymes with the words wave and brave!]

Robert: ROTFLMFAO!!!!! and no..

I'm Team SHUTTHEFUCKUP!!



Well had I know we could form a team with a swear word in it, I'd have been all OVER that shiznit. As it stands, we are Team Vallon.

You can support Team Vallon here!! DONATE NOW!

Blast that George Lucas

So the day we were all waiting three years to arrive has come and gone, and can I just say one thing? I want some more!

I went to see Star Wars Episode III on Wednesday. Since I'm a loser I went at noon and again at 7:45 p.m. It's all good people, it's all good. It's not like I called in to work, it was a planned day off. I baked my cookies, changed up my purse to allow for smuggling, got the gatorade through the door (along with a nice box of Jr. Mints.) All was right with the world. The movie starts and I'm clapping - clapping like a little kid in a toy store. Through the whole movie I was like dude, no way. At one point my mouth was hanging open and in my head I was going "No f-n way!" It was THAT good. I left the theatre thinking how it was so cool all my questions were answered and how this movie had SO much stuff in it compared to the first two. Except now I have some questions that need answering - and I don't want to write too much in case you didn't see it yet. However, if you do fall into that category and are reading this, come on, shit or get off the pot, it's been up for five days now!

1. What exactly went on in the past few years that Anakin got that scar above and below his eye?
2. Why the long hair? I thought there was a Jedi rule about being well-kept. They got rules about everything else for crying out loud!
3. OK so Padme and Anakin were married in secret. But NO one noticed that they seemed to be living in the same "house" and sleeping in the same bed? WTF! They are surrounded by Jedi! Are the Jedi's blind or something? Good god.
4. How come in the previews they show Darth Vader being revealed and his arms are strapped in near his shoulders, but in the movie they are strapped in by his sides?
5. Jesus H, what are Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru doing on that moisture farm that they aged so damned much from Episode III to Episode IV? and finally...
6. And where the f was that rat bastard that Schmi married in Episode II? I didn't see him toting his ass out on his little hover wheelchair to greet young Luke! Lazy bastard didn't even have to walk.

Any assistance in answering these questions would be appreciated.

In closing, I would like to say I enjoyed the movie, and I was sad when it ended. I do however thing George should giddy that shit back up and start working on Episode 7, but I bet he's too busy thinking up Ewok songs...

Nub Nub to all and to all a good night!

Just Like US!

Do any of you read US magazine? Well I do! One of my favorite parts (besides the smutty gossip about celebs) is when they put quotes from people. Well I decided I like it so much that I'm going to do it here! So here goes...And just remember, anything funny that you email could be here soon! Isn't that exciting? (haha!)

"Planning around the two peeps who pulled the Race off? Well, that makes sense…"
-K, upon learning that a Post-Race for the Cure Celebration had been rescheduled to allow for her and my attendance.

I love that K!!!!!

What Did I Expect?

What did I expect from a man who has 8 kids, all named George? Here is a discussion with my friend, who shall remain nameless, about a dirty George Foreman Grill, and the new grill that stupid George came out with that has the removable cooking surface. I was VERY upset about this new grill!

----- Original Message -----
From: LV
Date: Wednesday, May 18, 2005 11:49 am
To: CG
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: egads

That's bullshit, I gotta scrub my George and then he busts out with one that you can clean all easy and shit.

-----Original Message-----
From: CG
Sent: Wednesday, May 18, 2005 11:56 AM
To: LV
Subject: Re: RE: RE: RE: RE: egads

That's what i said! c'mon! Screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice…and fuck you!

The minute I buy the new one he'll come out with a self-cleaning
motherfucker.


'Nuff Said!

MORE BRAINS

From the Brain of J (Not the PJ song.)

"I think my autobiography will be titled The Whore Lived Like a German." - J

Now this was inspired by the German Spam that has been plauging our email system for the past four days. Has anyone else gotten the German Spam? Some of mine were German words, but some had the title "The Whore Lived Like a German," which I kept reapeating as "The German Lived Like a Whore." But how exciting was it when I realized others in the building got the same SPAM???

VERY exciting!!!!!

And now, from the Brain of C!

"If I die - establish a scholarship in my name, only to be given to gay boys, so that they can buy taser guns to torture jerks during gym." - C

I don't think this is exactly fair - as I am not a gay boy and I would also have liked one of those taser guns. There were some girls in my gym classes who LOVED gym. Like, LOVED it. I'm talking they would stay the whole day and play dodge ball or run the track if they were allowed. Whereas I ran around once and was like "OK, let's pack it up." Hell, that's even a lie. I'd do the 20 meters and I'd say "Oh, stomach, shooting pains, must go back to locker room."

My personal opinion - fire the gym teachers and just have the class walk around the gym for 3o minutes to get some REAL exercise....and they should all get IPODS to listen to. Ipods full of U2 music!

From The Brain of S

To all those who watched Survivor last night, what did you think? I think that finally we saw a contestant win who was actually deserving of winnning. And let us not talk about Vecepia, the survivor winner who can be described as a UPS who brought Jesus into the mix at the last second! However, let us talk about Katie (the LOSER) for a second.

I quote my friend, S.

"Her strategy was to be lazy, make fun of everybody.

Great strategy."

I couldn't have said it better my friend - I couldn't have said it better.

Hello City!

I got nothing to say. NOTHING! I did however listen to Back Seat of My Jeep by LL Cool J and realize that I shouldn't listen to it at work, lest we want another incident like we had Tuesday.

Since I have nothing, I still feel like you deserve something for visiting my Blog. So go and take this 80s Lyric Quiz.

Before you click on it, just realize that I know my music, and I know it well. But this thing was tough. I made a word plural and it counted me wrong. So be careful! And I'll be very sad if you miss the U2 songs!!

Let me know how you did in the "Comments" section below OK?

Oh, and I saw a commercial this morning where Michael Buble was hocking Starbucks cold drinks. He's off the list.

I do have something to say - One more week til Episode III!!!!!!!!

O is for Other, P is for People's Scratchin' Temple

Well, Well, Well, only to me and only on this fine Tuesday morning could these things happen.

One of our retired vice presidents who is still employed on a consultant basis just stopped into my office to see if I had a copy of last night's Buffalo News. I didn't, but I said I could look something up online if he wanted me to. He was looking at me kind of funny, so I said "If I have some keywords I can do a search for it," and he kind of hesitated, still looking at me funny and said "Oh, OK." I turned to my computer, pulled up Buffalo.com and realized something rather harsh. My lovely, lovely surround sound speakers, which were up a little bit too high for this time of day, were blasting out "You down with O.P.P. yeah you know me! You down with O.P.P. yeah you know me! Who's down with O.P.P, every last lady!"

I quickly pressed pause, but I think the damage is done. I gave him his articles, he left and it slowly washed over me, the realization of what just happened. Sweet Mother of God, the man probably thinks I'm some sort of PERV! I'm supposed to be "management" for crying out loud. I'm Lori. I write the president's memos and emcee speeches and I listen to horrible 90s rap about other people's you-know-whats. I'm not a good person.

Might I add that this is only on my computer cause I made a mix CD for my friend and I put it on my computer before I mailed it to her. I thought she'd enjoy the throwback to the 90s! What a mistake!

Not a good day my friends, not a good day!

What Do We Love? PAIN!

I heard a vicious rumor this weekend that Jennifer Garner was PG so I decided to troll around E!Online to find out if it was true or not. Let me tell you - these days, E!Online is the only place to get decent news these days unless you want to hear about county budget cuts or kids missing in South Dakota. So I find this article that says she is pregnant, but it's not confirmed by either camp yet.

However, I also found this nice little article about Starbucks not carrying Bruce Springsteen's newest CD in their stores because of racy lyrics. Well I say, what a bunch of PRUDES.

Here you go folks - yet another reason to BAN the Bucks - they DISSED THE BOSS!

Now I should tell you that it's not like I'm a raging fan of Bruce Springsteen. I like the Hungry Heart, I enjoy jamming to Born in the USA at a nice fireworks show like every other red blooded American. But I was none too happy with his consistant references to Bono's mullet as U2 was inducted into the Hall of Fame. Like he didn't have one too! He's just jealous cause he doesn't have his own IPod. But I digress, because any chance to highlight Starbucks in a negative light is good, and if I have to pretend that I care that Bruce's album isn't being sold there, then so be it - I will!

Isn't this just an outrage? Stupid Starbucks and their stupid overpriced house blend that keeps people up all night!

Down with Starbucks!

Oh, and here's a fun story. The other day I was going to the doctors and on the way I drove by the Horton's and the line up in the drive thru was out into the street. Well I drove by the Starbucks and their drive thru lane was empty. Zero people were waiting for that swill! People can't afford 5 bucks every morning! Get with it!

I wonder if I should send a link to my blog to starbucks...I could come up with some good ideas on how to increase customer volume in the a.m. Most notibly, NOT HAVING IT TAKE 20 MINUTES FOR A CUP OF HOUSE!

In closing, I hope everyone had a Happy Mother's Day!

Best You Can Do Is To Fake It

Shiver me timbers - I have been neglecting the Blog again! It's been over a week since my last updates and I'm sure you kiddies are on the edge of your seats, checking on Dude, WTF each day to see what comes out of my head. Well I don't have much.

Tonight I will be traveling to the Great Nation of Canada (this is how PJ refers to them) to trade my U2 tickets with this girl who I found online after posting to Wire and U2 Tour discussion boards. She seems normal, and nice, so if my dead, lifeless corpse comes floating up Niagara River in a few weeks after I've been missing since this evening, please know that we have been emailing back and forth for a few weeks now, so if you can crack my password you can get her email address and find out her home address and have her arrested. It's the least you can do for crying out loud. Oh, and please come to my funeral. I once told my mother I would be VERY offended if my funeral wasn't standing room only. How sad would it be to have HALF the church be empty....After the mass, go have a nice party and eat Nachos, that is how I'd like it to be! But please make sure my U2 bootlegs get a good home and aren't throw away when they bring the bulldozer in to clear out my room.

Onward - I am very excited because the whole picking up the tickets (and risking death!) is the only thing I have to do tonight. Can I get a wut wut!?! I had something every night this week and now I'm free free free until tomorrow morning and then I have the Breast Cancer Survivor Luncheon. We have 430 people registered and I'm excited, that is 150 more than last year. Go Robert, it's your birthday.

Speaking of Breast Cancer - have you registered for the 5th Annual Susan G. Komen Western New York Race for the Cure? It will be held on Saturday, June 11th, 2005 at the Delaware Park Rose Garden. Join my team - we rock! Go here and click on I agree and then choose Join a Team and search for Team Vallon. My team's gonna win! If you can't come on Race day, consider making a donation to our Team - it is very much appreciated!

So last night I wrote my final paper. I have to say it was very uninspiring as it was late and I had two hours before midnight to get it done, but I really didn't care. I just wanted to get it done, hand it in and be DONE with it. Graduation is next week and I still have to get my cap and gown, which I think is overpriced. It's like 80 bucks. I'm only wearing it once for crying out loud! I have seen shirts that were 30 bucks and I'd say "oh, that's too expensive," and I'd actually wear them more than once. Dude, WTF! I guess it's all good cause school is done. Done like a dinner! WHEEEE!!!!

If you would like a free ticket to my graduation, you just let me know. I get 12 tickets and I'm only use three. I know you think that is odd because my brother is going to be in town and you'd think he'd be attending. But you'd be wrong. He doens't "want to." Does he realize I didn't like sitting through his damned Eagle Scout freaking badge presentation? But I did it! And sure, maybe I did it for the free cookies and punch with sherbert in it, but I DID it nonetheless! Some people are selfish. And I don't have to pretend I like it.

Oh, this is exciting. We have a new program at work that provides arbitration and dispute resolution. For a while they didn't have a name, because we were changing their current one to something that fit the agency better. So the IS department started referring to them as Fight Club. And it has stuck! Now, if one of them goes there they say "I'm going to Fight Club," or, "I was just at Fight Club." Don't they know the first rule of Fight Club is that we don't TALK about Fight Club?? They will when they read this!

Have a great weekend, and if you have some time and need a laugh, take a look here. It's fun!

Why Your Kids Shouldn't Be Home Alone After School

Ciao!

Knock Me Over With a Feather

DUDE! WTF!

Look what I found out. Jane told me this morning and I confirmed it at E Online (see the link here)

As my cousin Jason would say, unbelievable.

These two just don't FIT - they just do not fit. It's not even the age difference, it's the whole "Hi, I was on the Dawson's CREEK!"

What is happening around here???

Unbelievable!!!

3rd Grade? I had to forget that to remember last year!

Someone sent me the link below a LONG time ago and I kept it in my favorites. I'm not sure why. I didn't do so well the first time, which was just a crushing blow to my ego. I had just gotten back from a road trip to Las Vegas and had been through so many states I thought, what a cinch. Ha! I guess I saved it so I could do it later on and then feel like a Master of the Universe! But then I felt like a big cheater!

So go here and let me know how things turn out - see if you have Montana and Illinois floating around while the time ticks on!

Can You Pass the Third Grade??

Obviously I couldn't pass the third grade, but in my defense, I counted up the years I've gone to school and I'm up at 21 right now. Did you expect me to remember everything I learned in every year of school, plus remember stuff from work, plus how to type, PLUS all the lyrics to every U2 song in their catalog? I DIDN'T THINK SO! Plus, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm 28 years old. If I am at 21 years of school, that means only 7 of my years were spent school free and frankly, that sucks. Since I was born in November I started when I was 4, and I didn't end until I was 22, then those sweet, sweet three school free years flew right on by. Ahh sweet yesteryears. And just think - I was in school at four and I know some four year olds who aren't even potty trained. Ya see, I was advanced!!!!!

Hell, what am I complaining about, there are people just starting Kindergarden next year. I call those people suckers!

And Then There Was TOOTIE!

OK I get the biggest kick out of this site because it has only been wrong ONE Time and it was for Alias. It guessed Will Tippen when I was thinking of Michael Vaughn. Like I'd ever pick Will over Vaughn. No one puts Vaughn in the corner. Oh, off topic.

So go here.

http://www.smalltime.com/dictator.html

It will either guess the dictator or the TV sitcom character you are thinking of. Don't make the mistake I first did. I thought I would answer questions about myself and it would tell me who I was most like. It gave me someone I never heard of after 100 questions and I was like "how dumb is dis?" But once I realized how it worked I was instantly hooked right in!

You can't stump it! Try Tootie all you want. You won't win! They even got NATALIE! Sickos!

Everyone's Doing It!

So I just got very excited as I went to the one.org site and signed the declaration and looked at the celebs who signed it and now I feel all important. Like I'm hobnobbing with the rich and famous. But not really.

So go here and sign the declaration.

http://www.one.org/index.aspx

Bono did it. Brad Pitt did it. Eddie Veddar did it. Hell, Isaac Hayes did it. Everyone's doing it!

And yes, I looked past Dave Matthews and No Doubt signing it. They just did it for the publicity!

Oh, and I bought a bunch of those crazy bracelets too, if you are reading this chances are I'm going to try to get you to wear one, you know how I jump on board anything Bono is doing.....