Thursday, July 19, 2012

Same Old Song and Dance

I'm always looking for a new and exciting way to send my family's holiday greeting.  Thankfully I have this card as inspiration for this year.

Now does anyone have a ram I can borrow? You might not get it back, although Caramel's teeth aren't as sharp as this, um, WTF is that, a cougar?

Also, I'm gonna need someone about my age so we can duplicate this card, with the two moms.  Little help?

Actual Conversation

The following is an actual conversation which took place yesterday:

My boss: Lori, I'm gonna give you $100.
Me: OMG, that's so nice of you!
My boss: Well I'm gonna need it back, this is is how I want it, 2 - 20s, 4 - 10s and 4 - 5's.
Me:  (No response, except the wrinkling of my face in a WTF look.)

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

JB and LORI, a Parting of the Ways

I'm over Bieber. 

Remember when I had the fever, and I was all "baby, baby, baby, oh, like baby, baby, baby, no!" And then I was all "When I was 13, I had my first love."  Then I was even "I will never say never." 

And then that little bastard had to show his ass.

Acting all cocky on the Today Show hijacking Matt Lauer's Twitter page.

Tweeting while he had the little handicapped girl on his lap, of course he acted like he wasn't once he saw the cameras rolling but we know the truth JB!

The final injustice was him calling 911 to report he was being "followed" by 5 cars, when he had gotten pulled over for driving his CHROME car like a maniac on the streets of LA.  From what I've heard of LA, they have enough troubles with people driving normal, they don't need your 19-year old punk ass driving your CHROME car like a total toolbag. People have families you know! 

So it's official. I'm over Bieber.  You know it's official when I say this.  I stopped following him on Twitter. 

BELIEVE this Biebs!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Spring ahead my ass

See what has happened? I lost an hour, now it's 4:53 and it's too late for me to take my Sunday afternoon nap. Bullshit I tell you!!!! Bullshit!!!

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Actual email I just received.

So every once in a while I get an email that really gives me a good laugh.  Today is one of those days.

Just received this:

Did you hear Snooki is pregnant? Maybe the Mayans are right and this is the end of days.

Friday, March 02, 2012

My man is back!!

Last night he informed me that he had a 'Desert booger.'

God, I missed him.

Thursday, March 01, 2012

Longest Week Ever

Some of you may know that Paul is away on business this weekend. Here lies Lori, taking the kids everywhere and making dinners (insert violin music here) while he's "working" at the 4-star resort in sunny Phoenix, AZ (insert violin music here).  I think he thought I'd feel better last night when he informed me that he was "tired and wanted to come home."  I almost felt better, but he's is in a hotel where they make his bed, clean his bathroom, wipe his ass, pick up his towels off the ground, etc., where I'm all driving J to school and waking up at the ass crack of dawn for Mamo-fun.  Did I mention I have a meeting until 8 tonight, then I have to pick Paul up from the airport, then I have to bake cookies for a meeting at 8:30 tomorrow? Oh the humanity. Oh wail, wail is the work of the mother-of-the-year ever done?

(Yes, I'm joking.)

Since the week has been all out of whack, I've been finding myself extremely tired.  Just last night I wondered "is it normal to barely make it through the Wheel of Fortune before wanting to crawl into bed?"  I persevered of course. I mean, go to bed before the kids? That's crazy talk. So I went at 9:30 after watching what I found to be a disappointing Modern Family. 

Where we are at now is me counting down the days until I can sleep in again.  Or take a nap.  I don't forsee it happening this weekend as I have a baby shower, then Duncan's b-day party (13, woot woot), and on Sunday I'm taking my mom to the casino (someone has to picket it right?)  Paul has a great weekend of fun ahead of him too.  I have a small list (read: scroll) of things for him to do Saturday morning. 

Big Day in Car Land

At least for me. After close to two years of ownership, my little girl finally hit 17,000 miles! Please - a moment of silence.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Leap Day? More like Eat Day!

Fantastic start to my Leap Day. 

Had my first ever mammogram.  It was quick, it was painless, and Windsong Radiology had bowls of Hershey Kisses everywhere I turned.  Fantastico!  Best of all -everything AOK, I don't have to go back for five years.  Holla boo boo honey child.

Next up, a delicious breakfast sandwich with sausage, egg and cheese on a COSTANZO'S roll.  Delicioso! I ate 3/4 of it before I threw in the proverbial towel. 

Fast forward an hour when a meeting broke and trays and trays of Paula's Donuts were leftover.  Booyaa!  I took a 1/2 and ate about 2/3.  Superb! (I'd throw in another foreign word here but I used them all up on my explanations above.) 

Moments later Buffalo Bills Linebacker Arthur Moats comes through the building to thank staff for our support of the United Way.  I stopped him for a photo and he was happy to oblidge.  Best of all? No dinosaurs busted out of the foliage behind us to snap at our heads!

Here's where the day goes downhill. 

I made some toast in the cafeteria (only $0.65 for two huge slices of rye) and I got fancy (lazy) and put them in the long way, causing them to get stuck in the rolly toaster, thereby almost burning down the joint. 

Next up, I learn Davey Jones died.  I was just listening to those crazy Monkees the other day.  66?  That's too young to go.  Unless you're a musician I don't like (Henry Rollins, I'm talking to you.)

I soothe my soul with some Hershey's Bliss (since I didn't have any Kisses at the Windsong, I have SOME rules about candy!)  I have a handful of animal crackers.  Nothing will ease the pain of this loss.

Fast forward to 3 p.m. where I get the shakes becuase the only protein I've gotten the entire day was in the breakfast sandwich I ate 7 hours earlier which was followed only by complex carbohydrates.  I ate 1/2 of a protein brownie.  I felt better.  I realized I had many hours before the end of this day which started at 6:10 a.m. (I usually sleep until 6:55.)  I kept it together - you know for the kids (or because crying mid-day at your desk cause you went to bed too late the night before is kind of frowned upon.)

I have to go now.  I'm sure somewhere out there is something I haven't eaten yet (piece of pizza fallen on the floor, half eaten bologna sandwich in a trash can.)

Monday, February 13, 2012

I love you, Ina!!!!

Ina, you know I love you - but you can't deny this is true. Each time you cook you tell us how easy things are. But you know this is what you're really thinking!!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Yay Buffalo News

The comics are a serious business in my house. The wee ones were fighting over it. J won.

RIP Whitney

I just watched Whitney Houston's version of the Star Spangled Banner from Super Bowl XXV. Not only did I get chills watching it, I became so engrossed it was like I was I'm a different world. Jessica asked me 'mommy, can I have this muffin,' and I said 'yeah yeah.' Duncan busts over and asks me something, I mumble a yes and go back to my video. The kid could have asked me 'could I take your car out for a joyride!' and I'd be all 'sure thing and take your sister' cause I gotta see Whitney in her glory days, the best there is!! Good times people. Except for that whole war and the Bills losing the game by 1 point thing...

Side note - the New Kids on the Block were the Halftime Performers at this Super Bowl. How come I didn't remember that??

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Thursday, February 09, 2012

It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World

Actual conversation from this morning.

Me: You have 2 kids, 4 dogs and a job - how can you watch all these movies?
Heather: Actually I have 11 dogs right now.
Me: That shit ain't right.

A Bunch of Skinny Kids, With Glasses

Well here I am - ready to start blogging and I got no topics, NO TOPICS (say this like Jerry, when he was with NO SLEEP after spending the night at Kramer's apartment.) Someone nicely suggested I write about riding my bike without glasses. Well that's just crazy talk. I can barely make it to the bathroom without my glasses. But my kid can! Wanna know how I know that? Because just yesterday the call came in from Paul at 7:45 a.m. "Can you bring Jessica's glasses to her at school?" Of course I can, I'm the mother! But the real question is, how the hell did she get all the way to school without the things?

Here is me every morning. Alarm goes off. Snooze. Goes off again. Snooze. I can't REALLY tell what time it is because I don't have my glasses on, so I squint and try and see the last number. If it's an 8 or 9, I'm hosed, that means time is running out. I cannot tell you the number of times I've gotten up, reached for my glasses and had them fall either on the ground or in one of the drawers which I keep open in my dresser, because they won't close, because clothes are hanging out. But that's niether here nor there. The main issue is that they are no longer WHERE I LEFT THEM. Well normal people just reach down because they can partially see what's going on. Not THIS girl. This girl is like "oh fudge..." Here's where the fun starts. I call whichever person is the closest.

"Oh Duncan (or Jessica or Paul) - can you help me get my glasses."

I can just tell they are giving me the "look" which says "how lazy are you woman - get your own glasses," but then I explain they are MIA. Well they of course THEY can find them right away. Stupid kids and Paul with their stupid good eyesight!

But I digress - and the question remains. How did Jessica get up, get dressed, brush her hair, brush her teeth, pack her bag and get out the door without her glasses? When I dropped the glasses off to her at school I told that silly goose that if I didn't have my glasses I'd end up wearing daddy's pants to work. She just looked at me like I farted and went off to play with her friends.

So I ask you. Did glasses become cool when I wasn't looking? Because for me, they totally ruin all my trips to water parks.

Side note: when I dropped off the glasses there were about 20 kids being watched by 3 ladies who were sitting at a cafeteria table drinking coffee. I think I'm overpaying for those services. End Note.