Thursday, April 24, 2014

Go Get that Job!

We've all been there.  You see a job you want, and you score an interview.  You research the company, you take your suit to the dry cleaner and you begin anticipating what questions will be asked. But don't forget - interviewers want YOU to ask about them! When they say "do you have any questions," don't sit there like a fool! Take these suggestions for what you can ask that will surely land you the job.
  1. How much vacation time is given?
  2. What about sick time?
  3. How soon can I use a sick day?
  4. How long do I have to work before I go out on disability?
  5. What is your policy on bringing pets to work?
  6. Are there advances on paychecks?
  7. How tight is inventory controlled?
  8. Will I be in charge of ordering my own Sharpies?
  9. Does the office have cameras near the supply closet?
  10. Does this job cover WiFi at my home?
  11. Is coffee included?
  12. Do you have jean Monday through Friday?
  13. How is the food in the cafeteria?
  14. Do they have good inventory control?
  15. Do you have covered parking?
  16. Why not? Don't you know who I am? 
  17. Do they have timeclocks here?
  18. And what's the policy on tardiness?
  19. How much time is considered "too much" time on Twitter?
I'm telling you people, it's better to go in prepared than be sitting there racking the ol' noodle for questions. You use my tips and the job of your dream will be ours. Good luck, and God speed!

Friday, April 18, 2014

To the Ones that Got Away

I was going through my Facebook feed from years prior and realized, sadly, that FB is not showing everything that went on. I get it, they can't keep stuff up there forever, but I'm sure I know there are some doozies out there from my mother which may be lost forever because I can't remember them.

One day I'll have to access the archives (of my brain) so I can get them down on paper. You know, for the book "What Would JC Say?"

In the meantime, we have this classic from October 2011

Today is my parent's 42nd anniversary. As my mom said earlier "Yup, 42 years, some of them were even good."

And this from Feb 2014

Mom: What's wrong with that Justin Timberlake, canceling three days worth of shows? He's got herpes.
Me: Wha?? Where did you come up with that?
Mom: What else could it be? I figured it out on my own. Herpes.

And this from March 2014

Me: Ralph Wilson died.
Mom: I didn't even know he was sick.
Me: Mom, he was like 100.
Mom: Bye bye Bills.

Another from March 2014

Mom: I ain't into that Facebook crap.

And finally, from April 2014

Me: Give me your phone.
Mom: Don't nuts it up.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Ask Sister Lori

Who's got the answer?  Sister Lori has the answer.

Now we all remember the day Malaysia Air Flight 370 disappeared. I commented on a WGRZ post "saying prayers," because I was just stunned and saddened at the news. That's when a nice lady named Liz Woods wrote this:

Liz woke up on the wrong side of the bed. But she did help me with my nickname for the week. Sister Lori. So I asked you to submit questions for Sister Lori.  Well ladies and gents, your questions have been answered.

If you don't like the answers, talk to the habit (yes, that's me in 1993).

Q. Sister Lori- how do you deal with rude cafeteria workers?
A. That’s easy. Punch in the face! Next!

Q. If you pray in a forest and no one is around to hear it, are you really praying?
A. My child, of course you are praying. And if you think no one is listening, all you have to do is fart. Because if we have learned anything in life, no one will ever let anyone just fart in silence. They’ll totally call you out on it.

Q. If I say "God Bless You" after "fuck you, scum bag" does it make me better?
A. Of course it makes you better, but try not to bring “God” into it. Just say “Bless you.” We don’t want to besmirch his good name.

Q. If one yells out to God during an intimate moment, is that praying?
A. Unfortunately, that isn’t praying. But don’t feel bad.  If you are yelling out his name, obviously someone is doing something right.

Q. How many licks (this is ethical) does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
A. How the fuck does Sister Lori know? She hasn’t had a Tootsie Pop in years. Dr. Caruana was all “No, no no” so Sister Lori is now on Momma’s Sugar Pops (AKA the Aldi Sweet Shoppe Sugar Free Junior Pops.)

Q. What's your stance on hot pockets?
A. Delicious! What are ya gonna pick? Sister Lori gives them two thumbs up. (Note: Lean Pockets get a big ol’ thumbs down. Way down.)

Q. Does God spend most of his time at professional sporting events and in jails? That is where most people thank God and find God.
A. Heavens, no. Would you hang around in JAIL if you didn’t have to? Would you go to a GOLF MATCH for fun? He knows what is going on everywhere, so he’s straight chilling in Boca from the comfort of a Lay-Z-Boy.

Q. Why is life so challenging? Why are some people so negative?
A. That’s two questions. I haven’t got all day. Pick one, and remember, dumb looks are still free.

Q. Who let the dogs out?
A. Certainly not me, certain dogs scare the bajesus out of me. Whoever did let them out, let’s hope their hands don’t smell like bacon.

Q. What if God DOES read Facebook? Are the rest of our prayers going unanswered?
A. I don’t know that he “reads” Facebook as much as he is all knowing and knows what is going on at all times. But let’s be real. You aren’t praying “on” FB. You might “type” that you are praying on Facebook, meaning you are going to say a prayer when done typing, but Liz Woods will call you out on it. So stop being so pious and go take a Zimbio quiz, you know we are all waiting on the edge of our seats to see which character you are on Beverly Hills 90210. (p.s. you are Jim Walsh, you nerd.)