Monday, August 29, 2005

Amazing Discoveries!

This was discovered today by my friend Jeff.

"If you spell test and accidentally shift one letter over with your left hand, you can make a twat."


Sunday, August 28, 2005


I have been corrected. The Bee Chicken was NOT ordered from The Great Wall - it was from the Chinese Kitchen, which I believe to be on Elmwood very near to ETS (across the street from Mobil.) I hope the previous post didn't lead anyone astray - it is SAFE to eat at the Great Wall. Just steer clear from Chinese Kitchen. Who knows what might end up in your egg roll!

By the way MoFos, what's with you not leaving any comments? It's free and easy, so give 'em up peeps!! Don't make me say Dude, WTF again!

Friday, August 26, 2005

The Chinese Food Story

As promised, the bee story. Please don't mock the graphics.

About two weeks ago we were stumped for something to eat here at work. I believe I'm the idiot who said "Chinese?" We all placed our orders from the Great Wall (on Elmwood) - Sesame Chicken for me. Not the lunch special, but the one that comes in the container with the rice on the side. That's what I'm talking about. So it's about 12:20 when the food arrives and by then we are all starving. So we start eating and things are going fine until I'm on, oh, about my fourth piece. I decide I need more sauce so I got into the container and get some more sauce, then I see a nice little piece that is calling out "eat me, eat me!" So I put it on my fork and there's something on it (see exhibit 1). It was roundish shaped and at first I thought it was a ladybug. I was like "Oh Jesus," cause I was hungry, you know how when you are hungry at lunch, it's like "I gotta eat!" So I stare at it and I'm like "hmm.." Everyone says "what" with that voice like "We know you are going to tell us but we really don't want to know."

I hold up my fork (with the chicken and the unidentified thing on the chicken) and say "What do you make of this?" You can tell everyone in the room is like "glad that wasn't mine." Obviously I'm not going to eat that piece, so I said I'll just throw it out. As I'm chucking it into the bag Chris says "it looks like a bee." Now I had thought that earlier, but I wasn't going to SAY anything. Since I'm still starving, I keep eating. I finish what's on my plate cause i'm that hungry. Then I'm digging around the container and I'm moving things around to make room for the rice and I push over a piece of chicken, where I find more of something. I like to call them Exhibits 2 and 3. To that I announced "and we've found the rest of the bee." The whole freaking bee was in my Chinese Food, plus, it must have gotten mixed around which is where it came to play that exhibits 1, 2 and 3 were seperated from each other.

Now I know I've done some writing over the labels of the bee above, but I think you can read very clearly that the first piece I found (Exhibit 1) includes the small intestine, the poison sack, the RECTUM and the stomach, which is close to the point of fracture (the bee was ripped between the "honey stomach" and the "wing muscles.") I am trying not to think about it, but i'm sure some of it's honey stomach was mixed up in my delicious chicken and I should have been smart enough to throw the whole lunch out, but damn, I was hungry (as mentioned above.)

So there is the story, wtih a very good moral. If it looks like a bee, it probably is a bee. Don't go looking for more, just throw the chicken away. And don't order from the Great Wall.

Happy Friday!

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Ship Jumpers!

So I wasn't the only one who was upset about the ship jumpers yesterday. I received this message from a friend!

"I will shove my wooden peg leg up their ass for jumpin ship."

For those who DID jump ship, you missed a damned fun time, Skippy! It was really nice, and everyone loved my four cheese platter, complete with pepperoni, which Jane sliced herself. (She cut the cheese too...hahahaha!) Some highlights of the night were:

-Sandy arriving as the boat was pulling away from the Dock. Poor little lamb was waiting on the other side of the restaurant and stood there so sad looking as all of us stared at her thinking "oh girl, you're late."

-Me, upon seeing Sandy and Robert chatting, asking "do you know her?" and Sandy saying "everyone knows me Lor, I was standing there watching the boat sail away!"

-Robert telling Sandy "Yeah, when I saw her on the dock I said 'I'm glad that's not me'."

-Everyone getting a dollar back (to tip the bartender) from their original payment of $23!

-Me, sliding the cheese tray down the boat to share with others, and narrowly avoiding a cheese spilling emergency by Mindy's quick and steady hand.

-Jane getting a drink from the bar and telling my Uncle that "the girl makes 'em strong," when the same girl had been making the drinks all night.

-Jane asking "where is the city," then looking to the left and saying "oh there it is."

-Being told by Ryan that his worst fear was no one coming to his wake or funeral, but that since I knew so many people on the boat, people would surely come to mine.

-Finding out that if anything did in fact happen to me, people on the boat would attend the 2-4 p.m. laying out at the Funeral Parlor so they could go to Happy Hour after.

The worst part of the evening, in my opinion, is when the boat was nearing the dock and we knew we had to get off - the night went WAY too fast. Next year I say we go out twice!!!!!

Who's with me?

Wednesday, August 24, 2005


I went to the Darcy McGees last week Friday and discovered they have a kick ass free Happy Hour Buffet. So I just decided that I'd like to take all my readers out to dinner on Friday evening, say about 6 p.m., Darcy McGees, near the corner of Franklin and Chippewa. Meet me near the buffet, and bring your own plate. The ones they give you are much to small to fill you up, and I don't want you to go away hungry. And remember - this is my treat. If you are extra nice, there will be a glass of water in it for you too!

Tonight is the sail on the Moondance - I'm excited. Except we had some last minute cancellations. Don't get me wrong - I know things creep up. Kids, families, sicknesses, cramps, all that stuff. But somehow someone telling me "A quick note to let you know that I will be unable to attend Moondance tonight. Sorry!!" just doesn't do it for me. First of all, it was sent at 2:47. You just found out at 2:45 you couldn't go? OK fine. Well give me a good excuse then. And don't send me a "quick note." Explain to me why I now have to explain to 36 other people that the price is going to be extra (five hours before we sail) cause you and your husband are a bunch of flakes. Somehow the quick note just doesn't do it. I need answers. The truth! I can handle the truth!

In other news - I think I'm becoming a pizza snob. I used to just think it was all good, but lately I'm becoming this snooty connoisseur who eats a piece and says "Oh, no, this just won't do." Don't get me wrong people, I eat it still. But my heart just isn't into it. I think to myself "oh how I wish this was from Picassos!" It remains my favorite from a Pizzeria, with Pizza Hut my favorite from a restaurant. And I know you are thinking "Pizza Hut? Be you sick Lori?" I just love it! I think it's the deep fried goodness on the bottom, cause Pan is my favorite. You can take that thin crust and return it right back to the buffet where you got it from thank you very much.

Well, I must bid you adeiu as my eye patch needs to be picked up from the cleaners. Ahoy maties!

Friday, August 19, 2005

My Name is Luca

I live on the second floor!

OK this might be TMI for some of you out there but I'm going to Happy Hour tonight so I decided to freshen up and put on some new deoderant. I had this little sample size in my desk drawer with my other toiletries (yeah, like I'd keep work files in there) and I just tried it. Damned baby, I smell good! The scent was Pear Illusion by Secret. Strong enough for a man but what man would be caught dead wearing Pear Deoderant. Anyway, I'm not sure if they make it anymore because it got it from a little sampler bag with an auction item I won last year, but if it works, I think I'm hooked. I may never have to wear Eu de Parfum again!

This weekend I intend on sleeping late. If that doesn't get carried out, I plan on taking naps to make up for the sleep I missed when I didn't sleep late. I'm going to have to remember to cut off liquids after 9 p.m. - if I don't I'll be getting up at 7 a.m. to pee and I'm sorry, but that just ruins everything. By then it's light out and you feel like a lazy sack of shit for going back to bed, when why should you really? It's your life, do what you want! But NO, all those people with homes and kids and responsibilites are up already doing their laundry and bills and gardening and grocery shopping and you are a lazy asshole just sleeping the day away. What do you have nothing better to do? Are you just a total lazy slob? Why don't you get off your butt and DO something?

Anyone else feel this when they wake up prematurely? That they have to get up cause others are? Just checking.

I'm off to get my drinks bitches. Coming next week, I promise, is the bee story. Oh and my review of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Two thumbs up - which I never thought I'd see the day!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

We Don't Need No Stinkin' Animal Pictures

Here are some pics of Andrew's trip to African Lion Safari. And yes, he was accompanied by an adult. I am proud to show you this succession of Live Action shots!

By the By - the photos I'm uploading are all labeled "Balls" (1, 2, 3, etc.) on my desktop. Yes, BALLS! How exciting is that?

Preparing to dismount...

Note the excited expression and wild arms flailing!

A perfect landing!

I like to call this next photo "someone please feed me." Note the upper chest and how the ribs show. I must remind you that the boy does eat - I've seen it. If you're eating, he's eating. I just don't understand why it all goes into his teeny belly!

By the by, this photo is labeled "RIBS."

It's the same water!

That's all I got. I do have to tell you the Bee story still but I just don't have the energy to write it up and I know there will be questions which I don't know if I can answer. Plus, there will be judgment - I know it!

Friday, August 12, 2005


Doesn't Anyone Understand My Sarcasm?

I got this forward entitled Zen Sarcasm and I got a real hoot holler out of a few of them, so I'm posting them here. Two of them remind me of Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy which I really miss. Actually I just miss when SNL was actually entertaining. Hope everyone enjoys this rainy day - just think, your lawn needs it. Stay tuned for the next installment of Dude, WTF when I engage all my readers with a story of how I found a BEE (Yes, you read it right) in my Chinese Food yesterday.

1. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
2. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
3. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
4. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
5. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
6. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Shady's Back - Tell a Friend

Yes, Yes, I'm back from vacation and I'm actually out of the hibernation which I spent the last two days in. Seeing as I have to go back to work tomorrow I thought now was as good a time as any to pretend I actually care about what's going on in the world.

So how about that Peter Jennings? And how about I heard Katie Couric talking about lung cancer and him and I didn't even put two and two together (I missed the beginning of the newscast.) Personally I'm more upset about Hunter Kelly. He didn't spend years of his life smoking....

Anyway, until I get some pics from vaca I'll just be writing stuff here, I know, I know, the pictures keep you coming back. And get this - I didn't even WRITE this! My friend, who shall remain anonymous, requested that this be posted on the Blog. Please tell me your thoughts -

Is Pink the New Black??

Recently on a trip to the Sterling Renaissance Festival I was witness to an alarming trend among American Women. I know who we have to thank for it, but I will not name names... Lily Pulitzer should really sue IsaacMizrahi and Target for knocking off her Palm Beach esque line for all ofAmerica to wear.

The trend that I speak of is that people think thatPink is the new black and that it's slimming and that everyone looks great in it. There were countless women and a few men who felt it was their right towear this color. That regardless of their size or shape, that they had the right to wear it.

Pink is like Spandex, it's not a right.. its a privilege!

And let me just state for the record... I realize that the demographic of those who might attend the Sterling Renaissance Festival might be abit skewed to the low end of the human gene pool (MY SELF EXCLUDED OFCOURSE), but come on people... I have seen this in the office and even on TV...

Pink is NOT the New Black... Say it with me... PINK IS NOT THE NEW BLACK.