Tuesday, February 06, 2007

You Know You Know That Girl!

You know that girl in high school who was too good to talk to you, so she treated you and your friends like shit (unless she needed something) and then you went off to college and only thought of her when you encountered another girl like that, who you realized was just very sad because they were acting like that in college and no one freaking cares there? Well what would you say to said girl if you had the chance when she decided 10 years after high school to email you and tell you how 'WONDERFUL' things were going?

Well this is what my friend would say!

Well, I do find it slightly bizarre that since you wanted absolutely nothing to do with 75% of the people on this list during high school, and you have suddenly taken a "genuine" interest into our lives, I'm fairly certain you really could give two shits.

Since you asked, I guess I can offer up what I've accomplished over the past nine + years. I dropped out of Harvard during my second semester because I felt like it was holding me back. Boy was I right. I left Buffalo in the Spring of 1998 flew a plane around the world following Amelia Earhardt's flight path in hopes that somehow this would create a connection between us. I landed in Zimbabwe and built three orphanages, networked with various celebrities, and served as personal character references for both Madonna and Angelina Jolie for the adoption of their children. While working on the orphanage, I met Oprah, the Dali Lama, and was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 2000. In early 2001 I vacationed in the Caribbean and loved it so much that I purchased three islands of my own, all of which have evolved from poverty stricken countries into modern-day nations whose GDP (Gross Domestic Product) exceeds that of the United States, Canada, and Great Britain combined. This is quite an accomplishment since the size of each island is no larger than the town of Cheektowaga. In mid-2001 during a brief visit home to Buffalo I had an epiphany and decided to it was time to really make a difference in the world (as if I hadn't done enough already). I phoned long-time pals Bono and Oprah (both of which are in my Top 8 on My Space - 1 and 2, respectively, sorry Oprah, you don't sing) seeking their collaborative efforts to end apartheid in South Africa. They suggested world-wide concerts all in one day. The four concerts I personally coordinated occurred in early 2003, before the Concorde was retired of course. How else could Phil Collins and myself be in Australia for a 3pm concert and then swing by Los Angeles for a duet with Alicia Keyes at 5? I've been around, that's for sure. Oh, I almost forgot - I should talk about the new jet I am designing with Boeing, maybe that's a story for a different email, I don't want to ramble on now.

Anyway, while in LA for the concert I met my wife. She was born in Fiji, graduated high school at 3, earned her doctorate in Fijianology at 7, and has redesigned the interstate highway system across North America to incorporate carpool lanes in all major cities. She has also personally patched the Alaskan oil pipeline several times with nothing but her hands and some spackle. I am so proud! Her and I practice yoga each day at sunrise, and speak to her grandfather's aunt's, daughter's, third-cousin once removed, who happens to be the inventor of yoga.

Our plans for the future include finding a cure for fatal diseases, improving the flow of water from the Niagara River through Lake Erie to Cleveland, and of course never wanting to read a single email from people that wanted nothing to do with us ten + years ago, and suddenly do now ever again.

I give him a lot of credit for writing that up, but turns out he didn't send it. However, just to take the time to pen something to that douch bag, that takes time! Well done.

I myself feel that I wouldn't take the time to write all that out. I would just say this.

Knock Knock.

Who's There?

Go Fuck Yourself.