Friday, May 23, 2014

More Sage Advice

I'm full of great advice. Ask anyone.

Why just today, my friend posted this photo on Facebook.

This thing (thing is the only name I can use to describe it because I am NOT going to use the word animal) crawled out from under her sink while she was brushing her teeth. The first thought one would have when that happened is to freak right the hell out. I mean, I would. But since it wasn't my house, I could keep a level head and give her this sage advice.  Move.  Just pack your shit and move. Then I thought for another second and said "I take it back. Leave your shit behind. You can buy new shit." Serious, she should just get her keys and her purse and leave. Cause if that came out, chances are there are MORE coming. It's the rainy season after all!

Do you have a problem? Maybe I can help. Send me any issues you might be having and I shall solve them.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Real Conversations from the Week

Each week I have some fun conversations with people. I felt the need to share a few here.

Co-worker: OMG, who is taking your place?
Me: Silly, that's impossible. I'm irreplacable!
Co-worker: No, really.
Me: (That didn't justify a response, justified a punch in the face!)

Me: Paul look, in my job description it says they want someone that exhibits tact, maturity and diplomacy.
Paul: Must be looking for a change.

Co-worker: You look especially skinny today.
Me: (No response, just fought the urge to open mouth kiss her.)

Me: Mom, I was in last place at the race, the police were right behind me.
Mom: That's good protection. Except if it's the Buffalo Police. Your safety might be in question.

Jeff: Look what I'm buying (sends me photo of Jason Priestley book).
Me: Awesome, can I borrow it when you are done?
Jeff: Of course!
Me: Try not to get the pages all sticky.

Me: Look at the title of this PowerPoint. A Penetrating Study. Huh Huh. Huh Huh.
Co-worker: Oh My God, Lori.
Me: Huh Huh, he said penetrating.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Us, in May

This is Paul and I, every May. I think we're gonna make it. And we shall savor all two months of no asking about gym clothes, lunches, homework, book reports, agendas, band concerts and house keys.


Friday, May 16, 2014

Nice Kitty Soft Kitty

Went to Target and saw these on the clearance rack. Shocking, no? I asked Duncan to try them on, seeing as they matched his sneaks, and he said no. What a hater.  I mean, who doesn't need a nice pair of shiny, stretchy pants with cats on 'em? Please note the whiskers on the crotch area. I didn't see those at first glance, but my cousin Jennifer's keen eye picked up on it.  Time for a shave, pantaloons.

Now I'm no fashionista and I'm sure no designer. I'm not into the low rider jeans (no one needs to see that) and I wouldn't say you'd run to me for advice on what's hip. But I have yet to find a person who saw these pants and said "Oh yeah, I gotta have those." And from what I gather, Target hasn't either because this wasn't the only pair on the reduced rack. So I ask you this. What exactly went on in the purchasing department for ladies clothing? Are you telling me that someone rolled out a bolt of this fabric and someone else said "Oh HELL yeah, we gotta get some of those made into pants, STAT!" And why not pants that weren't super tight? Imagine these in an XL.  Do you even want to see that print on an XL ass? No, you do not. You don't want to see it on a S, M, or L ass, so there ain't no WAY you want to see it on an XL ass. And it's not like you are ever invited to an ugly pants party. Ugly sweater, yes. Ugly pants? No. Although if you did get invited to one, you'd be set with this beast.

And not for nothing, but the day that I saw these pants in the store? The day the Target CEO went bye bye. Just sayin'


Friday, May 09, 2014

Worst Name Ever

Can I go on record saying this is one of the worst named products ever?

No one needs an erupter in their mouth.

Friday, May 02, 2014

Sage Advice: Try not to be an A-hole

Wanna know what chaps my ass? I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Jesus, Lori, what doesn’t chap your ass?” I mean, there’s a hole with no bottom.  But I find I’m always changing. What bothered me two years ago might not bother me now. But some things don't go away. Like, for instance, when people are assholes for no damned reason.

The other day I left a box in the lobby and said "I'll be right back, I have to send this out, but not until I get the mail." AKA: just leave the box, I'll be back.  

The response I got was "So?" 

So what the hell do I do with that comment? 

What I WANTED to say was "So don't touch it douchebag," or "Who the eff do you think you are?" Or maybe "If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I would have farted."

What I said was "OK, see ya later!"

The more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. I didn't walk up and say "Hey asshole, I'm leaving this box here" or "Yo dickcheese, don't touch this." I simply said what I was doing, cause if I hadn't, this person would have said "Uh, did ya want me ta do sumthin' with this?"  

So I ask you. What the hell is wrong with people? I know, I know, there's another hole with no bottom. But really, is life that bad that you have to be a dickbag for no reason? (Please note, if any dickbags out there are reading this, comments are welcome, as I'm wondering WHY you act like a dickbag.) If your life is that bad, try to change it. If you can't, I'm sorry. But don't take your shit out on me.  I'm not being an ASSHOLE to you, so if you could return the favor, that would be great.

On that bright note, have a great weekend, kids!