Friday, May 27, 2005

Three Day Weekend

OK so this is a big three day weekend, and inevitably everyone asks "got any big plans?" You know, that loser at work who has big plans and wants to share them with you and says "got any big plans" with a big old shit eating grin on their face and a chuckle whilst they pull up their pants by the belt. Trouble is that I don't have a 'full weekend' like this loser who asks.

Let me clarify by saying that I'm not complaining, as there are certainly things I can do at home. Like introduce my bathtub to a little solution called "Comet," or treat the carpet to a visit from the "vaccuum." But I know when I get back to work on Tuesday I'll get the "Oh, wasn't the weather so GOOOOOORGEOUS, did you do something goooooood?" And I'll be like "Oh, the weather was nice??"

As I live on the "Garden" level apartment, there have been days when it's really nice out and I have no clue. None, whatsoever. There are other days when it rains and the only reason I know is cause I can hear it. We can't keep the blinds open (you know, in case of peeping Toms) and sometimes I just don't look outside, or go outside all day. I mean, it's it really that bad to have an Alias Marathon? (I haven't done that, but it is in the plans eventually.)

I am writing about this here because I need a good way to comment back to people on why I didn't do anything. When they give me the shocked look of "OMG you wasted this GOOOOORGEOUS weekend?" what should I say? I was thinking of countering back with "Yeah, the herps really got me down," but then I run the risk of even worse looks than the wasted weather look. Should I just tell all the people who asked to FOAD???

For those who don't know what that means the last three words are Off And Die - you can figure out the F for yourself.

Please feel free to post your suggestions in the comments section below.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

POW - but not a Prisoner of War!

A few years back my friends and I were tossing around the idea of renting a Winebago and going to Las Vegas. Once we looked into it realistically we realized it would cost a small fortune to do that. I always think about it though, thinking about how fun it would be to go cross country, sit up in the drivers seet and give everyone the "Free Pizza" arm. Well imagine my surprise when my friend V wrote this in an email this morning.

"I will be on vacation that week! Chris and I and my bro-in-law and wife are taking a road trip up north that week. We're renting a 30ft RV that's fully-loaded (can you say that about an RV?). I am so disappointed I won't be around for the party! But who knows? The POW may just have to swing by Allentown! POW stands for Party on Wheels by the way."

This really made me smile! First cause it's so cool to be doing it, second, she's calling it the Party on Wheels. I wish the Party on Wheels would swing by Cheektowaga and pick my sorry ass up!!!!

So the dream is not over. Maybe one day I'll rent the big RV and take the plunge. But I need to find someone foolish enough to drive it. (Although I'll do the Pizza Arm...)

Monday, May 23, 2005

Team Challenge

So you all know I'm doing the Race for the Cure right? Well I formed my team - Team Vallon once again. Well doesn't my friend Robert decide to get all up in my GRILL about his fundraising is all higher than mine. This conversation ensued:

Robert: WHAT YOU UP TO?I am up to $170 raised... how about you?

Me: Shut your ass up. I got 25 bucks...
I can't help it dude, all my friends are doing the race! Why didn't you join my team free-ack?

Robert: CUZ I have my OWN TEAM! BEEACH

Me: What are you - the wavey gravey team? [his last name rhymes with the words wave and brave!]

Robert: ROTFLMFAO!!!!! and no..


Well had I know we could form a team with a swear word in it, I'd have been all OVER that shiznit. As it stands, we are Team Vallon.

You can support Team Vallon here!! DONATE NOW!

Blast that George Lucas

So the day we were all waiting three years to arrive has come and gone, and can I just say one thing? I want some more!

I went to see Star Wars Episode III on Wednesday. Since I'm a loser I went at noon and again at 7:45 p.m. It's all good people, it's all good. It's not like I called in to work, it was a planned day off. I baked my cookies, changed up my purse to allow for smuggling, got the gatorade through the door (along with a nice box of Jr. Mints.) All was right with the world. The movie starts and I'm clapping - clapping like a little kid in a toy store. Through the whole movie I was like dude, no way. At one point my mouth was hanging open and in my head I was going "No f-n way!" It was THAT good. I left the theatre thinking how it was so cool all my questions were answered and how this movie had SO much stuff in it compared to the first two. Except now I have some questions that need answering - and I don't want to write too much in case you didn't see it yet. However, if you do fall into that category and are reading this, come on, shit or get off the pot, it's been up for five days now!

1. What exactly went on in the past few years that Anakin got that scar above and below his eye?
2. Why the long hair? I thought there was a Jedi rule about being well-kept. They got rules about everything else for crying out loud!
3. OK so Padme and Anakin were married in secret. But NO one noticed that they seemed to be living in the same "house" and sleeping in the same bed? WTF! They are surrounded by Jedi! Are the Jedi's blind or something? Good god.
4. How come in the previews they show Darth Vader being revealed and his arms are strapped in near his shoulders, but in the movie they are strapped in by his sides?
5. Jesus H, what are Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru doing on that moisture farm that they aged so damned much from Episode III to Episode IV? and finally...
6. And where the f was that rat bastard that Schmi married in Episode II? I didn't see him toting his ass out on his little hover wheelchair to greet young Luke! Lazy bastard didn't even have to walk.

Any assistance in answering these questions would be appreciated.

In closing, I would like to say I enjoyed the movie, and I was sad when it ended. I do however thing George should giddy that shit back up and start working on Episode 7, but I bet he's too busy thinking up Ewok songs...

Nub Nub to all and to all a good night!

Just Like US!

Do any of you read US magazine? Well I do! One of my favorite parts (besides the smutty gossip about celebs) is when they put quotes from people. Well I decided I like it so much that I'm going to do it here! So here goes...And just remember, anything funny that you email could be here soon! Isn't that exciting? (haha!)

"Planning around the two peeps who pulled the Race off? Well, that makes sense…"
-K, upon learning that a Post-Race for the Cure Celebration had been rescheduled to allow for her and my attendance.

I love that K!!!!!

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

What Did I Expect?

What did I expect from a man who has 8 kids, all named George? Here is a discussion with my friend, who shall remain nameless, about a dirty George Foreman Grill, and the new grill that stupid George came out with that has the removable cooking surface. I was VERY upset about this new grill!

----- Original Message -----
From: LV
Date: Wednesday, May 18, 2005 11:49 am
To: CG
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: egads

That's bullshit, I gotta scrub my George and then he busts out with one that you can clean all easy and shit.

-----Original Message-----
From: CG
Sent: Wednesday, May 18, 2005 11:56 AM
To: LV
Subject: Re: RE: RE: RE: RE: egads

That's what i said! c'mon! Screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice…and fuck you!

The minute I buy the new one he'll come out with a self-cleaning

'Nuff Said!


From the Brain of J (Not the PJ song.)

"I think my autobiography will be titled The Whore Lived Like a German." - J

Now this was inspired by the German Spam that has been plauging our email system for the past four days. Has anyone else gotten the German Spam? Some of mine were German words, but some had the title "The Whore Lived Like a German," which I kept reapeating as "The German Lived Like a Whore." But how exciting was it when I realized others in the building got the same SPAM???

VERY exciting!!!!!

And now, from the Brain of C!

"If I die - establish a scholarship in my name, only to be given to gay boys, so that they can buy taser guns to torture jerks during gym." - C

I don't think this is exactly fair - as I am not a gay boy and I would also have liked one of those taser guns. There were some girls in my gym classes who LOVED gym. Like, LOVED it. I'm talking they would stay the whole day and play dodge ball or run the track if they were allowed. Whereas I ran around once and was like "OK, let's pack it up." Hell, that's even a lie. I'd do the 20 meters and I'd say "Oh, stomach, shooting pains, must go back to locker room."

My personal opinion - fire the gym teachers and just have the class walk around the gym for 3o minutes to get some REAL exercise....and they should all get IPODS to listen to. Ipods full of U2 music!

Monday, May 16, 2005

From The Brain of S

To all those who watched Survivor last night, what did you think? I think that finally we saw a contestant win who was actually deserving of winnning. And let us not talk about Vecepia, the survivor winner who can be described as a UPS who brought Jesus into the mix at the last second! However, let us talk about Katie (the LOSER) for a second.

I quote my friend, S.

"Her strategy was to be lazy, make fun of everybody.

Great strategy."

I couldn't have said it better my friend - I couldn't have said it better.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Hello City!

I got nothing to say. NOTHING! I did however listen to Back Seat of My Jeep by LL Cool J and realize that I shouldn't listen to it at work, lest we want another incident like we had Tuesday.

Since I have nothing, I still feel like you deserve something for visiting my Blog. So go and take this 80s Lyric Quiz.

Before you click on it, just realize that I know my music, and I know it well. But this thing was tough. I made a word plural and it counted me wrong. So be careful! And I'll be very sad if you miss the U2 songs!!

Let me know how you did in the "Comments" section below OK?

Oh, and I saw a commercial this morning where Michael Buble was hocking Starbucks cold drinks. He's off the list.

I do have something to say - One more week til Episode III!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

O is for Other, P is for People's Scratchin' Temple

Well, Well, Well, only to me and only on this fine Tuesday morning could these things happen.

One of our retired vice presidents who is still employed on a consultant basis just stopped into my office to see if I had a copy of last night's Buffalo News. I didn't, but I said I could look something up online if he wanted me to. He was looking at me kind of funny, so I said "If I have some keywords I can do a search for it," and he kind of hesitated, still looking at me funny and said "Oh, OK." I turned to my computer, pulled up and realized something rather harsh. My lovely, lovely surround sound speakers, which were up a little bit too high for this time of day, were blasting out "You down with O.P.P. yeah you know me! You down with O.P.P. yeah you know me! Who's down with O.P.P, every last lady!"

I quickly pressed pause, but I think the damage is done. I gave him his articles, he left and it slowly washed over me, the realization of what just happened. Sweet Mother of God, the man probably thinks I'm some sort of PERV! I'm supposed to be "management" for crying out loud. I'm Lori. I write the president's memos and emcee speeches and I listen to horrible 90s rap about other people's you-know-whats. I'm not a good person.

Might I add that this is only on my computer cause I made a mix CD for my friend and I put it on my computer before I mailed it to her. I thought she'd enjoy the throwback to the 90s! What a mistake!

Not a good day my friends, not a good day!

Monday, May 09, 2005

What Do We Love? PAIN!

I heard a vicious rumor this weekend that Jennifer Garner was PG so I decided to troll around E!Online to find out if it was true or not. Let me tell you - these days, E!Online is the only place to get decent news these days unless you want to hear about county budget cuts or kids missing in South Dakota. So I find this article that says she is pregnant, but it's not confirmed by either camp yet.

However, I also found this nice little article about Starbucks not carrying Bruce Springsteen's newest CD in their stores because of racy lyrics. Well I say, what a bunch of PRUDES.

Here you go folks - yet another reason to BAN the Bucks - they DISSED THE BOSS!

Now I should tell you that it's not like I'm a raging fan of Bruce Springsteen. I like the Hungry Heart, I enjoy jamming to Born in the USA at a nice fireworks show like every other red blooded American. But I was none too happy with his consistant references to Bono's mullet as U2 was inducted into the Hall of Fame. Like he didn't have one too! He's just jealous cause he doesn't have his own IPod. But I digress, because any chance to highlight Starbucks in a negative light is good, and if I have to pretend that I care that Bruce's album isn't being sold there, then so be it - I will!

Isn't this just an outrage? Stupid Starbucks and their stupid overpriced house blend that keeps people up all night!

Down with Starbucks!

Oh, and here's a fun story. The other day I was going to the doctors and on the way I drove by the Horton's and the line up in the drive thru was out into the street. Well I drove by the Starbucks and their drive thru lane was empty. Zero people were waiting for that swill! People can't afford 5 bucks every morning! Get with it!

I wonder if I should send a link to my blog to starbucks...I could come up with some good ideas on how to increase customer volume in the a.m. Most notibly, NOT HAVING IT TAKE 20 MINUTES FOR A CUP OF HOUSE!

In closing, I hope everyone had a Happy Mother's Day!

Friday, May 06, 2005

Best You Can Do Is To Fake It

Shiver me timbers - I have been neglecting the Blog again! It's been over a week since my last updates and I'm sure you kiddies are on the edge of your seats, checking on Dude, WTF each day to see what comes out of my head. Well I don't have much.

Tonight I will be traveling to the Great Nation of Canada (this is how PJ refers to them) to trade my U2 tickets with this girl who I found online after posting to Wire and U2 Tour discussion boards. She seems normal, and nice, so if my dead, lifeless corpse comes floating up Niagara River in a few weeks after I've been missing since this evening, please know that we have been emailing back and forth for a few weeks now, so if you can crack my password you can get her email address and find out her home address and have her arrested. It's the least you can do for crying out loud. Oh, and please come to my funeral. I once told my mother I would be VERY offended if my funeral wasn't standing room only. How sad would it be to have HALF the church be empty....After the mass, go have a nice party and eat Nachos, that is how I'd like it to be! But please make sure my U2 bootlegs get a good home and aren't throw away when they bring the bulldozer in to clear out my room.

Onward - I am very excited because the whole picking up the tickets (and risking death!) is the only thing I have to do tonight. Can I get a wut wut!?! I had something every night this week and now I'm free free free until tomorrow morning and then I have the Breast Cancer Survivor Luncheon. We have 430 people registered and I'm excited, that is 150 more than last year. Go Robert, it's your birthday.

Speaking of Breast Cancer - have you registered for the 5th Annual Susan G. Komen Western New York Race for the Cure? It will be held on Saturday, June 11th, 2005 at the Delaware Park Rose Garden. Join my team - we rock! Go here and click on I agree and then choose Join a Team and search for Team Vallon. My team's gonna win! If you can't come on Race day, consider making a donation to our Team - it is very much appreciated!

So last night I wrote my final paper. I have to say it was very uninspiring as it was late and I had two hours before midnight to get it done, but I really didn't care. I just wanted to get it done, hand it in and be DONE with it. Graduation is next week and I still have to get my cap and gown, which I think is overpriced. It's like 80 bucks. I'm only wearing it once for crying out loud! I have seen shirts that were 30 bucks and I'd say "oh, that's too expensive," and I'd actually wear them more than once. Dude, WTF! I guess it's all good cause school is done. Done like a dinner! WHEEEE!!!!

If you would like a free ticket to my graduation, you just let me know. I get 12 tickets and I'm only use three. I know you think that is odd because my brother is going to be in town and you'd think he'd be attending. But you'd be wrong. He doens't "want to." Does he realize I didn't like sitting through his damned Eagle Scout freaking badge presentation? But I did it! And sure, maybe I did it for the free cookies and punch with sherbert in it, but I DID it nonetheless! Some people are selfish. And I don't have to pretend I like it.

Oh, this is exciting. We have a new program at work that provides arbitration and dispute resolution. For a while they didn't have a name, because we were changing their current one to something that fit the agency better. So the IS department started referring to them as Fight Club. And it has stuck! Now, if one of them goes there they say "I'm going to Fight Club," or, "I was just at Fight Club." Don't they know the first rule of Fight Club is that we don't TALK about Fight Club?? They will when they read this!

Have a great weekend, and if you have some time and need a laugh, take a look here. It's fun!

Why Your Kids Shouldn't Be Home Alone After School