Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Pork: The One You Love

On Sunday I took four pork tenderloins out of the freezer for Sunday dinner.  Well who knew they wouldn't defrost until 9 that night?  So they became Monday dinner, slow cooking all day (in BBQ Sauce) in the crock pot.  But guess what?  Duncan doesn't like pulled pork!  And momma wasn't home for dinner, so only two people ate it.  So there's a ton left.  A TON.

Today I instructed my husband to conduct a pulled pork eating contest to get rid of the leftovers.  He said he would stop off and buy some Costanzo's Rolls. I told him "No, just pork. No sides, no buns, just pork."  Does he not get the point of a pulled pork eating contest? I'm not serving any sides! I don't want room taken up in their stomach by starch!  No slaw, no cornbread, no nothing.  You just eat the pulled pork until you can't eat anymore.  Then you puke and rally.

I'm telling you.  I gotta do everything!  I gotta announce the contest, then I gotta set the rules for the contest.

No rest for the wicked.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Kim Kardashian - a Girl with Morals

Oh Kim, it was so very sporting of you to finalize your divorce with Chris Humphries before you squirted out your baby with Kanye West. And I understand you not rushing to marry Kanye.  I mean, if you stayed in a marriage with Kanye as long as you stayed in it with Chris, you would most likely be moved out before the baby came.  And then things would just get messy.

You are obviously a girl of very high morals who values decency among all things.

Except for that whole sex tape thing, but who hasn't had one of those???

An Ode to Cucumbers


Thursday, April 04, 2013

Phone Dependent Much?

I left work early yesterday to rest from a cold which has been kicking my a$$ since late Sunday night.  Before I settled in for a long afternoon slumber, I hauled over to Wegmans to pick up my necessary sicky supplies, which had all run low due to so much use early in the week.

After slamming my car door shut I reached into my left coat pocket to grab my phone and check in on FourSquare.  It wasn't there.  Wait, did I put it in the wrong pocket? Nope, not in the right pocket either. I got a sinking feeling. I walked back to the car to see if it was in the cup holder.  Nope. 

It slowly sunk in. 

I left it at work.


This means a whole 10 hours of NO CANDY CRUSH?? 

"What if it's not at work?" I worried in my head.  "I'll call them!"

I reach into my pocket AGAIN!


OK I'll call them when I get home, first I get my supplies.  I head into Wegmans to pick up my chicken noodle soup, cough and vitamin C drops and Puff's with lotion. While heading back I cut through an aisle on the way to soup when the label on a can catches the corner of my eye. Heinz Spotted Dick. Oh, I need my phone to take a pic of this. I reach into my pocket.  DAMNIT! "Maybe it's in my purse?"  I look and look. No, not in the purse. Damnit, it really must be at work.

I wander over to the frozen food section thinking "I'll grab some ice cream, Perry's has a new No Sugar Added Flavor."  They didn't have it, so I said "Hmm, maybe I should tweet Perry's and Wegman's asking when they'll have it."

IDIOT ALERT LORI, you don't have your phone!!!!!

I wander past the meatballs, past the Puff Pastry, past the bulk, dejected.  I stumble upon the Easter candy. All half off. CADBURY MINI EGGS HALF OFF?  

"I gotta put this on FB so everyone can come here!"


Forget it, I'm almost done shopping, I'll cash out, go home and call work.

I had 7 items or less, so I'm golden.  Oh, not golden.  They had 3 express lanes, all of which had 5 people in them.  No problem right, you just pull out your phone to check FB to pass the time. No, you don't do that.  You stand there going "what if the phone isn't at work?  What if it's lost forever?  What ever will you do??"  Then you reach into your pocket for the 8th time in 12 minutes to see if maybe it is lower in the pocket than you reached before.  It's not.

I paid, I loaded the car, and returned my cart to the coral, happy I was going home to rest but sad my link to the outside world seemed to be torn from me.  I got in the car, picked one glove off my front seat and...

MY PHONE!!!!!!!

Oh how I have missed you!!!!!!!!  I will never, ever leave you on the seat again, EVER! I can't live without you!

So this big loss, all 12 minutes of it, got me thinking.  Am I the only one this dependent, this reliant on my phone?  I know the answer is no, because as I was wandering the frozen section I saw three other people staring at their phones like they were watching a porno and couldn't tear their eyes away for a second. So what was I doing BEFORE I had it?  You know, in that period I refer to as "The Dark Ages?" Was I looking at people and smiling?  Was I a better person? Am I really sharing things that pertinent when I tell everyone about Spotted Dick and Half Off Cadbury Mini Eggs? I like to think I am, but if I wasn't, would anyone notice?

I'm going to just tell myself the answer to that question, because the only answer I want to hear right now is "Yes, people NEED that information."  Otherwise the only one I have to blame for my phone reliance is me. This way I can say "I'm doing it for THEM!!!"  Who?  All 12 people who read my blog and my 302 followers on Twitter.  But let's be real.  Joey Lawrence "follows" me and Lord knows he ain't reading my shit. And half my Facebook friends probably have me on block cause they are tired of hearing about Little House on the Prairie and Lionel Richie.  But for now, I'm happy to live in my little bubble. The bubble where I tell myself you want to know about Mary getting the blindness, Manly having the stroke, and Carrie falling down the well.  Owait, no one gives a shit that Carrie fell in that well.

Carry on. Carry on.