Monday, March 18, 2013


You know that movie Armageddon? You know what burns my ass?  That guy Chic is about to go into space, so he goes to see his son and his ex is all "you can't come around here, the courts say you can't." Then he saves the world and bitch comes to NASA to welcome him home?  Oh, so he's good enough for you to take his money each month (he works on an oil rig for God's sake, you know Harry Stamper is paying him well, they are BFFs, so you know he's sending support!)  But he's not good enough to see his own kid until he saves the planet?

Now if it were me, I'd be all "bitch, talk to the hand."

But Chic's too much of a good guy, of course he's happy to see the kid, then he hugs her too.

Then there's me on the couch "look at this bitch, who let her in, where's NASA security when you need it?"

As you can tell, I've thought about this a lot. Probably too much.  But it's one of my favorite movies, so I've seen it like 50 times.  Yet it still bothers me.  15 years later for crying out loud.

I need to let things go.

Friday, March 08, 2013

The Pope. Not just a Prince song.

Today, March 8, the Vatican had a special announcement!  The Conclave to elect a new Pope will begin Tuesday.

___________Record Scratch_____________ WHAAAAA???

Didn't the Pope tell us he was stepping down a month ago? Oh yes, look, there it is, Huffington Post tells me it was February 11th!  That his last day will be February 28th!  And oh, look, the Conclave to elect the new Pope is gonna start March 11th. 

The Fuck?????

People People People (at the Vatican.) I don't wanna tell you how to run your business.  And let's be real, it IS a business.  Ain't NO WAY you can tell me it's not, the way you want us to tithe each week.  But let's be real.  If the Man in Charge announces he's leaving, get off your fat asses, get to Rome ASAP and pick a new leader OK??  It's not hard.  There are hundreds of flights to Rome each day.  Savannah Guthrie got there in time to say Ciao to Benedict.  And you're telling me the Cardinals making up the Conclave couldn't get there for a MONTH?  A MONTH? And don't start in on that shit about February being a short month.  Even the Cardinals from the far reaches of the Earth could have started their journey in time to get there in a timely fashion.  Announcement comes Feb. 11.  Cardinals book flights Feb. 12.  The ones who live in their fancy houses in the boondocks can't catch one til Feb 15 (they gotta travel by gold plated wagon to the nearest municipal airport, then take a small charter plane to the bigger airport. I know how it goes.)  OK, that puts you into Rome by what, Feb. 17?  Pope's doing his last minute Pope stuff, giving out the blessings, burning the secret documents, packing up "his" jewelry.  Conclave sits down to a buffet, makes jokes about fishes and loaves, you know, normal stuff.  They go over the CV's, have the discussion, make the smoke.  BOOM. Decision made.  Fast forward to the next week when the Pope finishes up and bam, you announce the new pope.

But here's what REALLY happened.

Announcement: Pope's stepping down.

Fat Cardinal 1: Oh, I gotta get a flight to Rome. Damn, I'm not gonna miss all-you-can-eat Crab Leg night at Joe's am I??
Fat Cardinal 2: What did he do????
Fat Cardinal 3: Oh I'm totally gonna win this time.

And so on, and so on.

10 days later they are like "Oh schnikey's, all the flights to Rome are sold out."

That's the only explanation I can come up with.  That, or much like our government, they have their heads up their proverbial asses and must not "get" that when your leader steps down, you need someone else to step up.  If not, you know what happens? I'll tell you!

People like me declare themselves the Interim Pope and make rules that the Catholics don't like.

So far, I've already lifted the meat ban, told the Gays they are welcome and cancelled Spring Forward.  Next up, every sentence must contain a bad swear.

Vatican, do you want this to continue?  Then step up.  Get your shit together, pull some strings and get the people in line.  If some of the Cardinals are late, tough nuts. You snooze you lose. You know what happens when you have one job to do and you show up late? You lose that job! Sorry, Charlie.  NEXT!!!!!!!

Friday, March 01, 2013

REAL Band-Aids?? Giggety!

Picture it. August 25, 2012.  I participate in my first race, the Tops 5K, and get two giant boxes of Band-Aids in the goody bag. Me and my cousins lament the fact that we wouldn't have to buy Band-Aids for a very long time.

And here we are today, March 1, 2013.  Here is a text conversation between me and Paul:

Paul: We need more Band-Aids, Jessica cut her foot.

Me: We are the only house I know that could go through 100 Band-Aids in 5 months.  There are a few giant sized ones under the sink, she can use that in a pinch.

Paul: Sink. Got it. OK, she's patched up.  Are we going out at all tonight?

Me: Yeah, we need Band-Aids.

I still don't know where they all went.  Wouldn't you think 100 Band-Aids would last forever? I know a lot of them were ruined when Paul dropped a box of them into the sink when he was shaving. (I walked into the bathroom to find Band-Aids laying all along the counter like some sort of crazy recycling ER wing.)  And of course, thinking we had SO MANY more in the wings I said "Oh we don't need to dry those out, throw them away, we have plenty more, remember the RACE Band-Aids?" Pfft.  How stupid I was. Cause you know what's happening now.  The Allans are going generic.  Bandages (NOT Band-Aids), here we come!

So question for all you moms and dads.  Are your houses the same? Or do you have "normal" bandage use?