Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Patience People!

Boy, my readers sure are fickle. I ask and ask for them to post comments and they ignore me. Then I go on vacation for a week and don't post and THEN the comments start flowing in. Post already, Post already. People, please, give me a chance to explain. I did post yesterday. I posted a definition for the Urban Dictionary that I laughed my ass off over. But guess what I did? I posted it to the WRONG blog. I accidentally put it on a blog that I use for work, and I swore on the posting no less. Then, host of hosts, our internet connection went down. I nearly shit my pants worrying that someone would view it and report me. Luckily I called P at home and had him remove the post.

But here it is for those who care. I peed my pants over this.

Urban Dictionary - Gooze

So Vegas was good fun, even though it was Africa Hot. I came home with no tan, and I was out in the sun one day and came back in that day with a mustache. I have no idea what happen, if the tanning oil did or didn't get on the area above my lip, but sometimes when I glance in the mirror it seriously looks like I have a stache. I hope this fades soon, I hate seeing it and makeup won't cover it. And no, I can't wax it, the hair is blonde, no sense in going through the pain if it won't do anything.

But if anyone calls me Sanchez, I'll kill you.

How about a big shout out to DMC for celebrating his big 19th birthday yesterday? I called him to say Happy Birthday. Twice. I didn't hear MY phone ringing with a return call though. Typical!


Friday, June 16, 2006

The Lie Clock


A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter.

"What are all those clocks?" he asked.

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock," St. Peter answered. "The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus's office," St. Peter said. "He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Hey Madonna - Take Off the Legwarmers and Get in the 2000s!

I found this on MSNBC this morning. I had to post it and note that Madonna is another person who needs to get the fuck over herself. Perhaps her, Angelina and Brad can all start hanging around together. Then again, they'd probably start a club open to only them, not making it much of a club, save for the fact that they are all over rated.

Kabbalah ends Madonna-Britney friendship

By Jeannette Walls
Updated: 2:49 a.m. ET June 13, 2006

Looks like smooch-buddies Madonna and Britney Spears are buddies no more.

When the two locked lips on MTV, it made news around the world. Now, Madonna has reportedly dumped Spears because the “Oops I Did It Again” crooner has bailed on Kabbalah.
Madonna spent a great deal of time and money wooing the younger singer into the Kabbalah fold, and it worked for at least a while; Spears was spotted wearing the trendy religion’s trademark red string bracelet and toting around Kabbalah books.

But not long ago, Spears publicly ditched the mystical offshoot of Judaism, writing on her Web site: “I no longer study Kabbalah, my baby is my religion.” Spears, who was raised a Baptist, has allegedly been consulting with a “Christian Life Coach” about her troubled marriage to Kevin Federline.

“Madonna spent months teaching Britney the Kabbalah system and splashed out thousands on the ancient scripture for her,” according to a source quoted by Virgin.net, which is further reporting that Madonna is demanding that Spears return the twelfth-century book on Kabbalah that she gave her as a wedding present. Madonna’s rep had no comment by press time, but the source said: “She feels she has wasted time, money and precious gifts on Brit.”

I LOOOOOOOVE the part about how Madonna wants her book back. It's just so "you pushed me on the playground and I'm telling my mommy on you."

Can the world give me some good celebrity news soon?

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Happy Birthday To You

Today is Maddie Moo Moo's first birthday - I can't believe how fast it went. We went to her birthday party yesterday and she got a billion presents. No kidding. A billion. There were presents everywhere. I got her a car for when she turns 16. OK, I actually got her two containers of Puffs (her favorite food) and money, but I'm sure somewhere in that pile she got a car. I left partly into the presents to go see Jack and then came back 10 minutes later and they were STILL opening presents. I told my mom "this reminds me of my first birthday," and she gave me the look that says "Dude, WTF..." Cause I can't remember that shit.

Anyway, Happy Birthday to you Maddie.

Angelina - Get Over Yourself

Is it me, or do Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt really need to get over themselves????

If you are saying no, click here.

If you still think they are cool, send me a comment, cause I'm trying to figure out if they are a bunch of a-holes or if I'm just being a bitch. Because while I realize people are going to jump on the bandwagon of them having a baby, I think they should get back to life and focus on what they do best, which is making shitty movies. I mean, you know everyone is on the edge of their seats waiting for Lara Croft Tomb Raider Part III. Or, maybe Angelina will play another crazy person who is easy and has bad hair and get an Oscar! That is a surefire way to get one. Play a crazy, a hooker, a serial killer*, or a fiesty attorney's assistant with big hooters.

*Note: Serial killer is not a surefire way to win, but the nomination will be a sure thing.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

The Shuttle Ride with the Big Jerk

Today I had to take my car in to get the air fixed (thank the Jesus) and I had to take the little Courtesy Shuttle to work. There is always a nice man driving it who makes conversation, but inevitably, there is always a big asshole in the shuttle. And today was no exception. I remember once they picked up from the Porshe Dealer in the back and the guy there was a jerk. But today, the jerk was picked up from the Toyota Dealer (they sell a lot of car brands at this joint.)

Anyway, the driver was chatting about how the storm last night woke him up, and said 'Oh, did you hear it?' and Asshole says "it was kind of hard not to." Yeah, well LoriV didn't hear it. LoriV had the air on, the window shut and was tired from waking up at 5 that morning. So LoriV slept through the "storm that was hard to miss." Anyway, I'm always the last one to be dropped off, but this time the driver decided to take me to work first, then drop this guy off at UB on the way there. That is where Asshole worked. UB. I said "Oh, are you a professor there?" and he said "Yes." And I said "What do you teach?" and he said "Ecology in the biology department." So I went on to say that my cousin is majoring in bio-sciences and that it's really tough and how he's a smart kid and I can't imagine how hard it must be, to which Asshole replied "well you know these kids come from these high schools thinking they are smart and then they realize that high school was easy." So I was like "Yeah," which wasn't terribly original, but you know, what do you say to that? More on that later.

So we are driving and I asked if he taught a summer class and he said "No, I'm working on research now," and I said "Oh, to be published," and he said "Well the whole point of doing research is to get published so you can share the findings with everyone else," and I was like this. "Oh - haha, yeah right."

And then I sat back and started to think.

And THEN I said to myself (and wanted to say out loud) "You're an ASSHOLE."

First off, I thought maybe he was doing research for next semester, to CHANGE up what he taught in his class, instead of teaching the same old lessons over and over. I was wrong. Second of all, who does this Asshole think he is? I had a good mind to say "Um, No SIR, my cousin is in fact smart, but there are Asshole professors at UB (like you) who don't teach properly, and just mumble lessons and make students feel stupid when they ask questions." And no, that wasn't my cousin who asked the question, it was another girl in the class who was told by the professor that maybe she was too stupid to be taking the class. But I digress.

This man was an Asshole. I spent the rest of the time with my eyes closed, until we got closer to the city and I started talking to the van driver, but then Asshole was laughing at what I was saying and I wanted to be like "Well if Asshole thinks it's funny I should be quiet," and then I thought "Asshole." Then I was quiet. So they got me to work and I thought "this poor driver, he has to put up with this Asshole another nine miles up the road." Hopefully he didn't hit any traffic lights.


Paul sent me a link today to a freaking hilarious blog about a guy who bought a junk laptop on Ebay but the guy who sold it forgot to delete his hard drive from it. I laughed my ass off and you will too. Click here.

Saturday, June 3 is the Race for the Cure. We are 50 bucks away from our Team Vallon goal of raising $1,000. The soda sales at work are a little slow (I guess people prefer Pepsi over Coke) but I think I'm going to have another $25 bucks from that when all is said and done. So if one more person donates or joints we'll be set. You should join. Go here.

Oh, and one a happy note, my car is covered under warranty, so I don't have to pay for my AC to be fixed. On a sad note, they had to replace the condensor because it was leaking. The sad part is that they just replaced the condensor last year, which means that part lasted approximately 10 months (I got it replaced last July.) What kind of shoddy parts is GM pumping out that a $900 piece of equipment can't last for longer than 10 months? I don't know. But I think that the man who wrote the commentary in the Buffalo News a few weeks back about how Americans are bitter about autoworkers getting good benefits and how autoworkers have high standards needs to meet with me for a few minutes so I can ask him "Dude, WTF???"