Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Yo Ho

Sophia: Jealousy is a very ugly thing, Dorothy! And so are you, in anything backless.

Sophia: When I turn my hearing-aid up to ten, I can hear a canary break wind in Lauderdale!

Sophia: Cabbage she serves me, in ten minutes I could be sky writing!

Blanche: Is it okay to sleep with a man on the first date?
Sophia: It's a sin. I don't care what anyone says, it's a sin. But I'd go back to eating fish on Fridays if his holiness gave that one the green light.

Rose: Sooo, who's the luckiest girl in the history of the world!
Sophia: Well, it wasn't your mother.

Sophia: Blanche, a terrible thing has happened to you. But when life does something like this, there are a couple of things you got to remember. You got your health, right?
Blanche: Yeah.
Sophia: You can still walk, can't you?
Blanche: That's true.
Sophia: Great, go get me a glass of water.

Blanche: Dorothy, do you think I'm dressed okay for the dog races?
Sophia: That depends – are you competing?

Sophia: Rose, I found my lucky handkerchief.
Rose: Where was it?
Sophia: It was in my bra.Rose: What was it doing in your BRA?!
Sophia: It was blowing my breasts, Rose!

Blanche: Listen, did you hear that sound?
Sophia: Yeah, and as long as I'm in my own bed I'll do what I want.

Sophia: Look, Rose, God doesn't make mistakes. We were all put on this planet for a purpose. Blanche, you're here to work in a museum, so that art can be appreciated by humanity. Dorothy, you're here as a substitute teacher to educate our youth. And Rose, you're here because the rhythm method was very popular in the twenties.

Rose: Sophia, is that a Captain Jack's Seafood Shandee uniform you're wearing?
Sophia: No, Rose. I'm off to discover the Straits of Magellan. Yo ho!

Monday, July 28, 2008


From the very beginning of the season I was a fan. Yes, a fan of The Food Networks "Next Food Network Star." It aired on Sunday nights at 10 p.m. and you all know how I hate watching shows that late cause when I stay up past 11, well let's just say the next day isn't so nice. In any case, I watched it all this season, didn't miss an episode. No one was really standing out for me but after awhile I started to like Kelsey and Shane. Then they got das boot and I thought OK Lisa has this in the bag cause that Adam can't cook, can't handle himself in front of the camera and can't stop joking around. And Aaron, don't get me started, what's his last name again? Cause it sounds like McCartel, but sometimes it sounds like McCargle. Take the marbles out buddy!

So last night was the big finale, and they each had to do a sample show which they showed a few minutes of at the end. I thought Lisa nailed it. Aaron, what the hell were you making cause I sure couldn't understand it. Take the marbles out buddy! Adam did OK, but who needs that much goofiness in the kitchen. I tell you why I watch the Food Network. To make fun of the people. I watch Barefoot Contessa and I make fun of how she says Endive and how rich she is and how she won't let Jeffrey buy a boat. I watch Paula Deen to see how much butter she's going to put in a dish and watch her treat her youngest son like the slowest little pup in the litter. And I watch Giada DeLaurentis so I can make fun of her hooters hanging into her panchetta and hear her explain how everything she cooks gets a "nice golden crust." I like to make that fun on my OWN, I don't want my Food Network star doing it for me. So Adam, I'm sorry, you're out. My money is on Lisa and I'm a betting woman.

Well color me unhappy, cause they go into discussions (Bobby, girl who never combs her hair and man who looks older than he is) and they are like "you know they all bring good qualities, but which one of them could start doing their own show next week." 'Lisa' I scream over to Paul, followed by 'these people are stupid!' Or maybe that was in my head. So they bust out and they're like "Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner of the Next Food Network Star is....."

Aaron Mc(something) Jr.

Me: "WTF???"

I still don't know what his actual name is. I had to look it up on the Food Network website.

It's Aaron McCARGO, Jr.

You know, like "I'm going to move this McCargo to my McBedroom." Well, you would talk like that if you were Ronald McDonald.

Anyway, WTF???? I'm thinking McCargo will last about as long as the LAST Food Network star did, and I know you can't count the number of times you saw "The Gourmet Next Door" on more than one hand, cause that shit ran twice...

In other news, yesterday I started watching that Tori and Dean, Home Sweet Hollywood. I see why it's doing well, they are both very open and it's fun to watch. I do however feel like writing her a letter pleading her to patch things up with her mother. I have no idea what their falling out was about but I think it's sad that they both have such hard feelings. One day her mom won't be around and then she'll wish she had reached out (at least I think so.)

In other news, what's with Tori's hooters?? Couldn't she get those bitches fixed? I certainly watch those 90210 reruns enough, she must be making money for them being in syndication. I would think my ad dollars would cover a touch up...

Friday, July 25, 2008

Cutest. Picture. EVER!

Total WTF Moment

I was watching the TeeVee this morning and they were showing a news story about some moron (complete moron) who got arrested for a DWI and while he was sitting at the police station, drank WHITE-OUT to cover up the alcohol on his breath.

Dude, WTF???

The police noticed it after seeing white out on his hands. How come they didn't see it in his mouth, on his tongue and on the sides of his lips. I'm guessing that doesn't go down as smooth as a brewsky would.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Did Ya'll Hear?

Have you all heard about how I won two tickets AND backstage passes to...drum roll please...

Gordon Lightfoot.


Yes, I called 96.1 a few weekends back and won two passes to a wine tasting and was entered to win the grand prize of the "Lightfoot Tickets." I said "Oh, OK great," thinking "yeah, that ain't happening, they'll surely give it to someone who sounds like a fan (AKA someone who is 70, like him.) But no such luck, they gave them to me. Now I feel guilty for having them because there are actual people out there who like this dude and I know two, yes, two of his songs!

This is the fun part. When I told my mom I won this prize (thinking maybe she'd want to go) she said "Oh, Lori you should be more careful about things you call in to win, you should save up and be more selective when you call so you can try to win airline tickets or money." As if I know when I'm going to be caller 9 or 12 depending on the contest. I've been trying to qualify for the Summer of Variety for two months now. Stupid addictive radio contests!

Speaking of radio, I've been listening to Star 102.5 a lot lately. Can I ask you something? When did it become OK to advertise for breast enhancement surgery on the radio. They have been playing commercials for some surgery center for the past few weeks and each time I hear them I think "isn't this a family station?" Just imagine little Johnny "mommy, why did that man say his wife looks so much better after she got her enhancement" cause you bet your bottom dollar they have some dude on there saying "my wife looks great and she has so much more confidence." NIIICE.

In other news, tomorrow is finally Friday. And, best of all, payday. Sweet Potato Pie, it might be the best day ever. Even better than the day the 10 glue sticks I ordered finally arrived. You wouldn't believe it, but there wasn't ONE glue stick left in my building by the time those babies arrived. Believe me, I checked. Sure I could have busted over to the ol' Dollar General and get some on my own, but that would be like, um, work.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

More Quotes

So many good Sophia quotes, I just can't stop!

Blanche: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a long, hot steamy bath with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosom.
Sophia: You're only going to lay in an inch of water?
Rose: Dorothy, you're the smart one, and Blanche, you're the sexy one, and Sophia, you're the old one, and I'm the nice one. Everybody always likes me.
Sophia: The old one isn't so crazy about you.
Blanche: Before my mama sent me off to beauty camp, I was a pencil-thin, flat-chested, four-eyed nerd!
Sophia: I don't believe it. You, pencil-thin?
Dorothy: Why can't you sleep on the couch and give Clayton and Doug your room?
Blanche: Are you crazy, what will the neighbors think if they see two men in my bedroom?
Sophia: They'll think it's Tuesday.
Sophia: I can't believe it. Esther Weinstock is dead.
Dorothy: Oh I'm so sorry Ma, How'd it happen?
Sophoe: She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico.
Blanche: I cannot believe they lost all our luggage! Now I have to go an entire weekend without underwear!
Sophia: Yeah. You usually slip into a pair by Sunday afternoon.
Rose: Sit down, Sophia. You must be exhausted.
Sophia: Why? I rode in the cab, I didn't push it!
Ribs, great... why don't you just kick the dentures out of my mouth?
I'm going into the kitchen to fix us a mess-a-sumthin'. That's it - a mess-a-sumthin'.
It was a retirement home, and you know what they did? They set off the fire alarm, in a retirement home. Who can rush? Half the people have walkers, the other half can't get out of their chairs. But they've got bells going off like crazy! You know what that does to hearts that only beat a few times a week? It's not pretty!

Paddle Boats!

My friend just wrote this to me about his daughter. The name has been changed to protect the innocent.

"We went on a paddleboat when we went camping. Brenda was dead weight, she didn't paddle her share. I told her no marshmallows for her!"

His daugther is four.

I'm LMAO over here.

And yes, of course he's kidding!

Sad Day

I learned yesterday that Estelle Getty passed away. Of course I was shocked, then I thought about it and was like "she was 84, what was I expecting." Damn she was funny on the Golden Girls.

I thought I'd put some of my favorite lines here:

Dorothy: Well Blanche is certainly taking her sister's novel better than I would. I would kill my sister Gloria if she ever wrote about my sex life.
Sophia: You would kill your sister over a pamphlet?
Blanche: I have writer's block. It's the worst feeling in the world.
Sophia: Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.
"Picture it, Sicily..."
"Hey Puh-feiffer, how would you like a punch in your puh-face?"
"Beat it, you 50-year-old mattress! "
"Fasten your seatbelt, slut puppy. This ain't gonna be no cakewalk!"
"Ah yes all my kids make the right choices. My son was a cross dresser and my daughter was unmarried and knocked up. Hell, I was the Rose Kennedy of Brooklyn"
"I lived eighty, eighty-one years, I survived two world wars, pneumonia, a stroke and two operations. One night I'll belch, and Stable Mabel here will blow my head off!"

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Random Thoughts for the Day

So I've been reading more and more about this new 90210 series they are developing. I don't know how many of you know this, but I'm addicted to the reruns on Soapnet. They show them each day at 5 & 6 and just recently they showed Brandon's last episode (Brandon Leaves) and Valerie just left too and now they have Matt (monkey lawyer who Kelly of course bangs after 5 episodes) and Gina (Donna's bitchy ice-dancing cousin) as regular cast members. Oh, and what's with that Noah? I think they just had to find someone good looking and pray that he could read, which I'm assuming he could cause he always says his lines. But dude, he brought jack to that show and he had so much baggage. Thank God Dylan came back just as Brandon left, otherwise all hell would have broken loose. Steve can't carry the show by himself and lord KNOWS Kelly isn't any good, she's too busy worrying about herself and her feelings and how people treat her. Anyway, they also show them on Saturday mornings and on those episodes Dylan just left after his wife got killed, and Donna is dating Joe Bradley who is getting sued by Ray Pruitt cause he busted him all up in an altercation on Halloween. What did Donna expect in those tight, short skirts?

Anyway, in my humble opinion, you can't have a new 90210 without Brandon. Come on, he started it all out, and he stuck with it through the good times and bad (well, almost, sure he left shortly after the start of season 9 but come on, he got off that sinking ship just in time.) So I say they have to bring him back, but who is signed on? Kelly (Jennie Garth) and Donna (Tori Spelling.) WTF?? What are they going to contribute? Is Donna going to teach the kids at West Beverly about how she designs ass ugly clothes for stick figures? And Kelly, well she went to school for psychology and started out working at a free clinic, but then went to work at the store where Donna sold her shitty clothes. What is she going to teach the kids, how to be a tramp? How to sleep with every guy you come across but then act self righteous when anyone else does the same thing? I guess so!

One good thing about these reruns - some of them I had missed and some I had forgotten about so now seeing them again, ahh, sweet potato pie. One of my recent faves was when Dylan announced that he was getting married to Toni (daughter of the man who killed his father) and Kelly was all "I can't believe you just blurted it out like that, didn't you consider my feelings," when just weeks earlier she had told Dylan she couldn't go around the world with him (or marry Brandon) cause she "chose me," and went off to NYC to model for the summer (cause that would happen.) Then she busts back to Beverly Hills with Colin, the crappy-ass, coke addicted, sleeping with his agent, artist in tow. You're too good for her Brandon! Kelly, of all the TV characters who it's easy to hate, you are the easiest (in more ways than one!)

Ask my man, he'll tell you, I crab about her all the time. It's almost as if I really know them. I wonder if I was ever in California and ran into her I'd say "hey tramp, Brandon was too good for you!"

In other Random News - what's with the humidity? Our R2-D2 air conditioning has been working for a month with no problem, then all of a sudden it was on "full" last night so we had to empty the water out. No problem, right? Then this morning it says "full" again. I'm like "huh?? could that much water be in it?" Pauline says yes cause it's that humid. I say NOOOO. Well I'm wrong cause after emptying it at 10 this morning, the thing said FULL again at dinnertime. I'm starting to think we'll be waking up in the middle of the night to empty it. And yesterday Don Paul said the humidity was 69 percent. My AC begs to differ!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Eddie Veddar = Crazy Pants

So Monday morning I was watching the VH1 Jump Start and they were showing the video for Jeremy. I hadn't seen it in years, I'm thinking over 10. In any case, they show a bunch of Eddie singing and in each shot his eyes are as big as saucers and he's making wierd hand motions and then when his eyes aren't as big as saucers they are looking up in the air or off to the side or he's singing but his teeth are all clenched and shit. You know what I'm talking about! So I'm thinking back and I'm wondering when the video came out, did people think Eddie was crazy pants and just ignored it, or did they just think he was some musical genius and since he was from Seattle it was OK to be looking like that (crazy) or maybe that was the norm back then. Cause I can't remember, cause in 1993 I was busy worrying about who was going to get the lead in the school play and how to work the cash register at the Filene's Basement.

Yeah you know he's crazy.

Did I ever tell you that Pearl Jam opened for U2 back in the day? Why yes, they did! They opened for them in 1992 when U2 was on the Outdoor European Leg of the ZooTV tour. Ahh Sweet Yesteryears when the Italians were like "Who the eff are these young whipper snappers?" And then they booed!