Wednesday, November 04, 2009

I just got an email from Paul, stating that my cat wants me home. How did he know? Well that's easy!!!!

Now all you cat lovers probably think this is just a normal think for a cat. Not for Caramel. For Caramel, her daily exercise is having to reach up with her front legs to eat her nightly treats off the coffee table (she gets them each night at 9:30 - and believe you me, if they aren't there at 9:30, I know...) Her jumping onto ANYTHING is a chore, so it's usually followed by a lengthy nap. I'd estimate she spends about 85 percent of her day laying/napping. An occasional burst of energy will see her chasing something imaginary through the kitchen for roughly 90 seconds. In the exhibit above, you can see she had yet another burst of energy, as she has full on jumped onto the coffee table, obviously under the delusion that she missed one of the treats last night. She did not. That didn't stop her from entering full on tracker mode....Note her stomach dragging on the coffee table. We wanted to buy her a Snuggie for Pets, but they didn't come in "husky" size.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

You - Yes You

Are you reading this? Chances are you or someone you know will get the Swine Flu.

Now calm the fuck down, you'll be fine.

That's all.


I was driving home today thinking about a conversation I had with my cousin Jack this past June. He is five. We were at Walking with Dinosaurs. I was sitting in my chair thinking "how the heck are they going to keep all these kids entertained for 90 minutes?" cause God knows if everyone paid 35 bucks and it was only an hour, there'd be anarchy. So I decided to ask around, thinking the kids had probably seen something about it from hours of Cartoon Network watching.

Me: "I wonder what's going to happen?" (this was to all three kids but my own kids were ignoring me)
Jack: "The dinosaurs are going to walk around."
Me: "Oh."

I'm not saying a WORD when we are at the circus tomorrow.....

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Four Allans in a Pod - Summer 2009

Well I know you've been on the edge of your seats waiting for me to post something new, so I thought I'd throw ya'll a bone. Here we are, end of August and I haven't posted a damned thing since June. Sad.

Here is an update. The adoption is complete - finalized on July 28, 2009. We went to the courthouse on a blazing hot Tuesday and parked in a very scary ramp underneath the Main Place Mall. All other ramps around the courthouse were filled on accounta some rat bastard scheduled the Bar Exam to be administered at the Convention Center on the same damned day. Assholes. Anyway, we parked, got to the court, went in, pulled all our jewelry off to get through the metal detectors and waited. I went through. They saw my camera and said "Oh you can't take that in" and I said "Oh sorry I thought we could take a picture when it was done." Then I get the "where are you going?"

Me: "Surrogate court?"
Her: "Oh that's across the street."
Me: "WTF???"

I run out of the building yelling "kids, follow me." Paul tries to keep up but can't as he's taken his belt off to get thru security and his pantaloons are falling off. He makes me stop and I get my bearings and see where we have to go. I find it and run into traffic because I'm scared of being late. This bitch almost runs into me with her car and I give her the meanest look I have - which is pretty mean cause I'm stressed out at that point. Yeah she had the right of way but come on, I'm late, doesn't she know? Meanwhile Jessica is carrying around her blanket, Pinky, dressed in a shirt. Yes folks, a shirt. We get to the CORRECT courthouse (didn't think there would be so many to choose from in B-lo did you) and she asks me "should I put Pinky on the belt?" I freak RIGHT the hell out and go "PINKY IS A BLANKET SHE DOESN'T NEED TO GO THROUGH THE METAL DETECTOR!" The security man looks at me very strangely and calls me "mam" in his voice that he most likely uses on the irate folk.

Man with gun: "Mam, where are you going?"
Me (in my nice voice): "Surrogate court and I'm worried we're going to be late."
Man with gun: "OK it's upstairs, you go through here, you have plenty of time."
Me: "WTF do you know? You are down here, can you see through my fake leather purse material and read the letter telling me what time I have to be there? (This part is in my head)
Man with gun: "Bitch, they are letting you adopt someone? (Also in his head)

Well it all worked out in the end, we got upstairs and had HALF AN HOUR to spare. I guess they like to tell you to get there at 9:30, when the actual thing doesn't start until 10. I cleaned up the sweat from my brow and went in and shazam, it was done in like 50 seconds, no lie. Then, this:

Me: "Come on kids, let's get you home so you can scrub the floors with a toothbrush and beat the rugs with a stick."
Them: "GULP."

In other summer news, we went to Cedar Point where I braved some exciting rides this year - the always popular Tilt a Whirl and the Choo Choo Train. I would have gone on the boat but we had an appointment with Snoopy to see his Ice Show and I couldn't miss it because that is where I get my mid-day nap which is as traditional on this trip as is stopping at the 2nd rest area in Ohio to eat our sandwiches at 10:45 a.m. Apparently the man and woman driving through Ohio from Maine who were eating a snack at said rest stop didn't get the memo about our traditional sandwich stop, because they were sitting at our bench when we arrived. Don't worry, my dad explained to them that it was "our" bench, and kicked them out. I told him to leave a reserved sign for next year. My brother almost died of sheer embarrassment. See he's been away from my dad for a long time, on accounta him living in Vegas. Not me. Takes more than THAT for Fran to embarrass me...

We also went to Sunset Bay for the week, and somehow ended up with the ONE NICE WEEK this entire summer. My cousin Kathy is a miracle worker for picking that week. Rained once on Sunday for 1/2 hour, then stopped for the rest of the week. It was in the 70s-80s the entire week and sunny on all but one day. Who's complaining about Buffalo summers? Not me!

Right now, we are cat sitting for a friend. He has three cats who are currently in one room in the basement on accounta my one fat cat can't deal with anyone else in her territory and has taken to not only hissing at the other cats, but hissing at US if we even blink in her direction. She wouldn't get out from under the kitchen table, so we had to move her litter box and food upstairs, and now every few minutes I hear this strange "meow" noise. Not her normal "feed me" meow, but a "how could you do this to me, I trusted you sons of bitches and this is how you repay me" meow. I hope everything works out, cause these cats are here for 10 days!

Coming up: the new school year. Duncan will be playing the saxophone this year in the band. I have purchased the "large" pack of earplugs, so we should be good for at least the fall.

Hopefully I'll be updating more, but you know my Facebook and Bejeweled Twist addictions suck up a lot of time...stay tuned.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I Hope Great Doesn't Mean A Good Read

So some of you might not know, but I am adopting the kiddies. There is a LOOOOT involved, so the process has been going on for six months. I blame some of that on our slow ass attorney. That's neither here nor there, since by August, they'll be mine (insert maniacal laugh here).

In ANY case - Paul and I had an investigator come to the house last week to talk about the adoption, ask questions about us, where we grew up, how we met, when we got married. She took pictures of the kid's beds (don't worry, we moved the beds upstairs from underneath the basement stairs - a la Harry Potter.) She let us know that once she received your criminal reports from the state, that she would write her letter of recommendation. Here is where I have to laugh.

She emailed me last week to say that she received our criminal reports today and "they were great!" By great, I sure hope she means "clean" in lieu of meaning "an awesome read that had me on the edge of my seat."

"Gee Lori, do you think it was really OK to steal those paper clips from Depew Middle School?"

"Well they were just on the desk, I thought they were for the taking..."

"And Paul - that room service tray in the hall wasn't yours..."

"But, but, it was just sitting there, finders keepers!"

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Friday, April 17, 2009

I Guess I'm NOT the Biggest Fan

This morning I went to the McDonald's Drive Thru for a delicious Iced Mocha. Delicious! There was kind of a back up at the ordering area, I was the third car in line. So I just rolled down the window and waited. Here is where it gets good.

The woman in front of me started off her order with "Can I just have" and I didn't hear a bunch of the stuff after that until I heard "10 hash browns."

Me: "HUH?"

Now I love a good hash brown. But 10?


So like I said, I didn't catch the entire order, but I heard the total. $39. Thirty nine dollars! At the drive thru for breakfast? WTF did she order (besides the 10 hash browns?) That doesn't sound like a 'just' order to me - a 'just' order would be "just a coffee" or "just a mocha."

Well let me tell you something. Seven minutes later, I didn't give a shit what she ordered, I was just like get me my effing iced mocha bitches! I sat there and sat there. Her order was so big they gave her FOUR seperate bags and she had to actually sign the credit card slip, which you normally don't do at like McDonalds or Hortons and stuff. Nope, hers was so big, required a signature. And it took for fucking EVER!

Secretly I was jealous, because man, driving around wtih a big ol' bag of hash browns has got to be fun. But openly, I was pissed off cause I was late to work. The best part was that when I got to the window and handed the guy my card he was all rushed and practically threw my card and receipt back to me while handing me the Mocha. Oh like I'M supposed to rush now? I just sat my sweet ass in the drive thru lane for 10 full minutes and all of a sudden you are going fast? Pshhhh!

Moral? I learn something new each day. I'm not the biggest McDonalds hash brown fan there is!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I Had All I Can Stand

Well kids, the time is upon us. I've had all I can stand, and I can't stand no more.

My latest beef is with, well, the government. I like Obama. I don't love him, I like him. I was a Hillary supporter, couldn't get on Obama in the beginning. Then I warmed up to him and thought, well, can't get any worse now can it. But my beef isn't so much with the Federal government at this time, but with the government of this great state of New York.

Since December, I've been hearing from Governor Paterson how the state is broke. Broke, broke, broke, broke, broke. "NY is so broke it can't even pay attention!" I hear ya man, I hear ya. October 2008 hit and I was like "wait a minute, I'm broke!" OK I'm not really, but since then I have really tightened up on spending. And frankly, I've become a bit overzealous with the coupons. So much so that if Pauline goes out to Wendy's without a coupon from the "Dining Out Buffalo" book, he gets the stink eye when he comes home. But I digress. The state has no money. Alright, here we go - time to tighten the belt. We're all doing it! So the state is going to, also, right? Right???

Enter this week when I learned that Joe Mesi (Baby Joe for all you boxing fans) was being named to head a new senate office in Buffalo. Baby Joe ran for Senate last year, but lost. I had no objections to him running. People were like "why is he qualified, why is he qualified." My retort was "look at the monkeys in office now, is it going to get worse?" To that everyone replied, "well, no." Umm-hmm. Anyway, Mesi has been chosen for this new position. I quote the Buffalo News.

"Mesi has been hired to run the new Senate majority office in Buffalo at $70,000 per year, according to Senate spokesman Austin Shafran. He will head an office that could include as many as 10 staffers working from a yet-to-be-determined location. "

Hmm...making 70 grand a year huh? Well, it's not Hollywood money, but it's good, no? Me thinks. What's that I see, could include as many as 10 staffers? Hmm....10. That seems like a lot. That seems like 10 salaries, plus 10 state retirement pensions, plus 10 sets of healthcare benefits, and I'm betting those workers aren't going to be paying a fortune for it. Perhaps kicking in 20 bucks a week? Oh, and where are they going to sit? Oh, a yet-to-be-determined location? Ohhh. Well lets hope it's in an existing building and that they are going to take the existing office and fire those workers to pay for the new workers and to pay for Mesi to "serve as a liaison for the majority leader with the local community, working with local community groups.” Cause if not, that means rent, plus buying desks, computers, chairs, paper, copy machines, printers, pens, folders and all the countless other shit you need for an office to run.

The 2009-2010 NYS budget includes cuts from healthcare, education, prisons, parks, everything you can think of (except Welfare, that money went up) So here is where my question comes in. We have a senate majority leader with an office in Albany who we can contact by phone or email. If NYS is so "broke," then where the frig is this money coming from for this office? Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

I truly hate complaining to just complain. I like to try and do something to change the situation, to make it better. But what the hell am I supposed to do about this? SERIOUSLY. Who do you even complain to? I read another article about Brian Davis, a Buffalo Common Council member who has been writing bad checks for years, has no license cause the idiot never renewed it, and built a $180,000 house in an Empire Zone and doesn't pay taxes. WTF? WTF????? Shouldn't that shit (tax free housing) be reserved for poor people? Or maybe people who abide the laws and drive WITH their licenses and don't bounce checks all over town? But who do you complain to? The mayor? I'm sure he'll get right on the stick. But owait, he's friends with him, so maybe not.

Who the hell voted these people into office? I'd love to chat with someone who voted for Brian Davis. And I'd love to chat with whoever thought it would be a good idea to appoint a leader for a local senate majority leader in Buffalo. I can bet you dollars to donuts, it wasn't me. Cause when I went into the booth last Fall, I went in like this. If you are in office now, you won't be for long. Maybe I'm the only one who did that, cause we still have to stare at Crystal Peoples and Bill Stachowskis' muggs as they tells us that "I won't give up a portion of my salary, I shouldn't have to" or Antoine Thompson who proposes bills that give country workers more paid time off to spend with their kids. Good in theory pal, but they already get plenty of time, and frankly they have to do what everyone else does - take vacation time! And Crystal Peoples, I should never have brought her up, I might be here all day.

I just don't get it. I don't even know where to go. People like Kavin Gaughan have the right idea, but I think it has to start with these Legislators first. There is NO need to have 200 of them. And all the stipends for the committees they sit on? Hows about that's part of your "job" duties, just like everyone else?

I love living in Buffalo. I do. My family is here and I love calling it my home. But the last month has been rough, and I'm starting to think "OMG do I want to stay?" I can see why people leave. It's just so hard to sit by and watch while this crap goes on. Is it the same everywhere? Do they have stupid, useless titles in Nebraska? Do they cry broke but add more government jobs? Perhaps my friend's idea to annex my house is a good idea. I'm making Allanland. Who's with me?

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


I don't know how they did it, but they stole my cat and got her to pose for this picture. I'm not lying. Same green eyes, same disgusted look because her food bowl is empty, same robust figure, same front legs ready to buckle under all the extra weight.

I love you Caramel (AKA Goodyear)

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Jaw Hits Table

Today I had the pleasure of meeting Wendy Corsi Staub, an author originally from the Western New York area. She was at one of our schools to talk to the students about writing mysteries and where she draws inspirations. She also revealed that she ghost wrote one of the Fear Street books and I was like "get out, that is sooooo cool." Then, she casually said, and I quote, "I also wrote one of the Sweet Valley High books."

So the room of fourth graders is like dootie do cause you know they are like "WTF is that." Well not ME! I'm sitting in the back of the room, next to Wendy's husband, sister and son, and I'm like "HUH? HUH? GET OUT OF MY TOWN" in this whisper yell because I'm just outraged. Francine Pascal didn't write that shit??? WTF? I've been duped! So after the presentation I tell her "OMG I can't believe you wrote one of those" and she said "Oh yes that was years ago," and she was super nice about it. I'm still just in total shock. So I asked her "what about Francine?" and she said, "oh those are all written by ghost writers."

WTF dude, WTF?????? Now I've turned to Wikipedia to get to the bottom of this and find out if any of the books I read growing up were actually written by the "said" author. As I would say - using my Nancy Drew skills. And by the by, Nancy Drew, written by Carolyn Keane? Nope, ghostwritten.

If I find out Judy Blume is just some hack, I'm going postal.

You Just Know the Van Has a Teardrop Window!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Thursday, March 19, 2009

So Close

I went just last week and was two squares from a Coverall!

Monday, March 09, 2009

Don't They Know What a Recession Is?

Had ya heard?

U2 has announced concert dates for the upcoming tour, and "U2 says 85 percent of the concert tickets will cost under $120, with many going for half that or less."

Do you think they made an error and meant to say that they were below 60 bucks, cause then THAT would be REAL GOOD BARGAIN.

Now, I would like to fly to Paris to see them, which kid should I sell to finance the trip? JK, I'm only going to TO people!!!!!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

OK So I'm Late

I completely forgot to put a pic up of my prize winning wreath which I decorated for the contest at work. With my label of "prize winning" I bet you thought I won something really cool like cold hard cash, but it was actually a Tim Hortons' basket with cocoa and a gift card and a mug. But I WON!!!!!!!! Fitting, huh? Yeah, I made that bow from SCRATCH! I had to cut the pieces of ribbon and super glue them together cause I hate when tie a ribbon and it's all wrinkled up. And you can't see the top, but that was the handle from a Timbits box. Yeah man! I slaved over it. And I was saving up those cups for days! DAYS! (OK two days.) Whatever.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to you my faithful readers!

All 12 of you!

Here we are - 2009 - one more year until the 5 year anniversary of Dude, WTF. Wait until that wonderful day, Oh how we will celebrate. We will look back on how things have changed. Jobs, living arrangements, family members, Larry Mullen, Jr.'s hairstyle. My hope for the next tour? Larry lays off the dippety do - that 2005 Slicked Back (Greasy Ass) look has to go.

One thing that will certainly change this year - my tour attendance. Oh sweet yesteryears when I used to throw around the money traveling to strange cities in my quest to meet The Big Man (Bono.) Now, in light of the current economic climate, high Cheektowaga taxes and the need for the kids to eat and wear clothes that fit, Bono will have to come to me! And I'm not doing any of that GA bull - I'm too old for that shit. I'll be sitting with the richie "semi-fans" in the 100 section where tickets are 150 bucks and the person to your right (or left - depends on what side you are on) says they are a "huge" fan and have been since the 80s, yet only knows the lyrics to two songs (With or Without You and One), and says "I hope they play some old school stuff," meaning "they better play Pride because I don't know any of the songs from Zooropa, Pop, ATYCLB and HTDAAB." Owell - at least I can ask them to grab me some nachos when they go to the snack bar for "BEEEEEEER!" cause you know those type of people 1. Looove the Beer 2. Couldn't go to a concert without getting a BEEEEEER and 3. Don't mind missing songs because they aren't really fans ("shut up Lor, I'm a "huge" fan! Yes, yes, I know you know the name of the singer and one guitar player, but a "huge" fan that does not make.) I apologize if you are reading this and that is the type of fan you are. It's OK - we can't all be freaks like me, spending money on every single that comes out, buying the single again in Import cause it has a different cover, buying every version of every album, and thinking "should I buy a record player?" cause the new album is available in vinyl. Some people can't do that because they have to support other artists, like Madonna, because she needs to have a successful tour to fix her gap tooth and to pay for her 7 yoga sessions per day in order to maintain her rock hard abs, toned shoulders and grandma underarms (swing swing). Much like Christina Crawford, I understand! UNDERSTAND (If you have seen Mommy Dearest, you'll get this. If not, what the eff are you waiting for, that's some good shit, go rent it.)