Friday, March 08, 2013

The Pope. Not just a Prince song.

Today, March 8, the Vatican had a special announcement!  The Conclave to elect a new Pope will begin Tuesday.

___________Record Scratch_____________ WHAAAAA???

Didn't the Pope tell us he was stepping down a month ago? Oh yes, look, there it is, Huffington Post tells me it was February 11th!  That his last day will be February 28th!  And oh, look, the Conclave to elect the new Pope is gonna start March 11th. 

The Fuck?????

People People People (at the Vatican.) I don't wanna tell you how to run your business.  And let's be real, it IS a business.  Ain't NO WAY you can tell me it's not, the way you want us to tithe each week.  But let's be real.  If the Man in Charge announces he's leaving, get off your fat asses, get to Rome ASAP and pick a new leader OK??  It's not hard.  There are hundreds of flights to Rome each day.  Savannah Guthrie got there in time to say Ciao to Benedict.  And you're telling me the Cardinals making up the Conclave couldn't get there for a MONTH?  A MONTH? And don't start in on that shit about February being a short month.  Even the Cardinals from the far reaches of the Earth could have started their journey in time to get there in a timely fashion.  Announcement comes Feb. 11.  Cardinals book flights Feb. 12.  The ones who live in their fancy houses in the boondocks can't catch one til Feb 15 (they gotta travel by gold plated wagon to the nearest municipal airport, then take a small charter plane to the bigger airport. I know how it goes.)  OK, that puts you into Rome by what, Feb. 17?  Pope's doing his last minute Pope stuff, giving out the blessings, burning the secret documents, packing up "his" jewelry.  Conclave sits down to a buffet, makes jokes about fishes and loaves, you know, normal stuff.  They go over the CV's, have the discussion, make the smoke.  BOOM. Decision made.  Fast forward to the next week when the Pope finishes up and bam, you announce the new pope.

But here's what REALLY happened.

Announcement: Pope's stepping down.

Fat Cardinal 1: Oh, I gotta get a flight to Rome. Damn, I'm not gonna miss all-you-can-eat Crab Leg night at Joe's am I??
Fat Cardinal 2: What did he do????
Fat Cardinal 3: Oh I'm totally gonna win this time.

And so on, and so on.

10 days later they are like "Oh schnikey's, all the flights to Rome are sold out."

That's the only explanation I can come up with.  That, or much like our government, they have their heads up their proverbial asses and must not "get" that when your leader steps down, you need someone else to step up.  If not, you know what happens? I'll tell you!

People like me declare themselves the Interim Pope and make rules that the Catholics don't like.

So far, I've already lifted the meat ban, told the Gays they are welcome and cancelled Spring Forward.  Next up, every sentence must contain a bad swear.

Vatican, do you want this to continue?  Then step up.  Get your shit together, pull some strings and get the people in line.  If some of the Cardinals are late, tough nuts. You snooze you lose. You know what happens when you have one job to do and you show up late? You lose that job! Sorry, Charlie.  NEXT!!!!!!!

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