Thursday, April 10, 2014

Ask Sister Lori

Who's got the answer?  Sister Lori has the answer.

Now we all remember the day Malaysia Air Flight 370 disappeared. I commented on a WGRZ post "saying prayers," because I was just stunned and saddened at the news. That's when a nice lady named Liz Woods wrote this:

Liz woke up on the wrong side of the bed. But she did help me with my nickname for the week. Sister Lori. So I asked you to submit questions for Sister Lori.  Well ladies and gents, your questions have been answered.

If you don't like the answers, talk to the habit (yes, that's me in 1993).

Q. Sister Lori- how do you deal with rude cafeteria workers?
A. That’s easy. Punch in the face! Next!

Q. If you pray in a forest and no one is around to hear it, are you really praying?
A. My child, of course you are praying. And if you think no one is listening, all you have to do is fart. Because if we have learned anything in life, no one will ever let anyone just fart in silence. They’ll totally call you out on it.

Q. If I say "God Bless You" after "fuck you, scum bag" does it make me better?
A. Of course it makes you better, but try not to bring “God” into it. Just say “Bless you.” We don’t want to besmirch his good name.

Q. If one yells out to God during an intimate moment, is that praying?
A. Unfortunately, that isn’t praying. But don’t feel bad.  If you are yelling out his name, obviously someone is doing something right.

Q. How many licks (this is ethical) does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
A. How the fuck does Sister Lori know? She hasn’t had a Tootsie Pop in years. Dr. Caruana was all “No, no no” so Sister Lori is now on Momma’s Sugar Pops (AKA the Aldi Sweet Shoppe Sugar Free Junior Pops.)

Q. What's your stance on hot pockets?
A. Delicious! What are ya gonna pick? Sister Lori gives them two thumbs up. (Note: Lean Pockets get a big ol’ thumbs down. Way down.)

Q. Does God spend most of his time at professional sporting events and in jails? That is where most people thank God and find God.
A. Heavens, no. Would you hang around in JAIL if you didn’t have to? Would you go to a GOLF MATCH for fun? He knows what is going on everywhere, so he’s straight chilling in Boca from the comfort of a Lay-Z-Boy.

Q. Why is life so challenging? Why are some people so negative?
A. That’s two questions. I haven’t got all day. Pick one, and remember, dumb looks are still free.

Q. Who let the dogs out?
A. Certainly not me, certain dogs scare the bajesus out of me. Whoever did let them out, let’s hope their hands don’t smell like bacon.

Q. What if God DOES read Facebook? Are the rest of our prayers going unanswered?
A. I don’t know that he “reads” Facebook as much as he is all knowing and knows what is going on at all times. But let’s be real. You aren’t praying “on” FB. You might “type” that you are praying on Facebook, meaning you are going to say a prayer when done typing, but Liz Woods will call you out on it. So stop being so pious and go take a Zimbio quiz, you know we are all waiting on the edge of our seats to see which character you are on Beverly Hills 90210. (p.s. you are Jim Walsh, you nerd.)

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