Phone Dependent Much?

I left work early yesterday to rest from a cold which has been kicking my a$$ since late Sunday night.  Before I settled in for a long afternoon slumber, I hauled over to Wegmans to pick up my necessary sicky supplies, which had all run low due to so much use early in the week.

After slamming my car door shut I reached into my left coat pocket to grab my phone and check in on FourSquare.  It wasn't there.  Wait, did I put it in the wrong pocket? Nope, not in the right pocket either. I got a sinking feeling. I walked back to the car to see if it was in the cup holder.  Nope. 

It slowly sunk in. 

I left it at work.

Shit. 

This means a whole 10 hours of NO CANDY CRUSH?? 

"What if it's not at work?" I worried in my head.  "I'll call them!"

I reach into my pocket AGAIN!

Umm....

OK I'll call them when I get home, first I get my supplies.  I head into Wegmans to pick up my chicken noodle soup, cough and vitamin C drops and Puff's with lotion. While heading back I cut through an aisle on the way to soup when the label on a can catches the corner of my eye. Heinz Spotted Dick. Oh, I need my phone to take a pic of this. I reach into my pocket.  DAMNIT! "Maybe it's in my purse?"  I look and look. No, not in the purse. Damnit, it really must be at work.

I wander over to the frozen food section thinking "I'll grab some ice cream, Perry's has a new No Sugar Added Flavor."  They didn't have it, so I said "Hmm, maybe I should tweet Perry's and Wegman's asking when they'll have it."

IDIOT ALERT LORI, you don't have your phone!!!!!

I wander past the meatballs, past the Puff Pastry, past the bulk, dejected.  I stumble upon the Easter candy. All half off. CADBURY MINI EGGS HALF OFF?  

"I gotta put this on FB so everyone can come here!"

GAHHHH.

Forget it, I'm almost done shopping, I'll cash out, go home and call work.

I had 7 items or less, so I'm golden.  Oh, not golden.  They had 3 express lanes, all of which had 5 people in them.  No problem right, you just pull out your phone to check FB to pass the time. No, you don't do that.  You stand there going "what if the phone isn't at work?  What if it's lost forever?  What ever will you do??"  Then you reach into your pocket for the 8th time in 12 minutes to see if maybe it is lower in the pocket than you reached before.  It's not.

I paid, I loaded the car, and returned my cart to the coral, happy I was going home to rest but sad my link to the outside world seemed to be torn from me.  I got in the car, picked one glove off my front seat and...

MY PHONE!!!!!!!

Oh how I have missed you!!!!!!!!  I will never, ever leave you on the seat again, EVER! I can't live without you!

So this big loss, all 12 minutes of it, got me thinking.  Am I the only one this dependent, this reliant on my phone?  I know the answer is no, because as I was wandering the frozen section I saw three other people staring at their phones like they were watching a porno and couldn't tear their eyes away for a second. So what was I doing BEFORE I had it?  You know, in that period I refer to as "The Dark Ages?" Was I looking at people and smiling?  Was I a better person? Am I really sharing things that pertinent when I tell everyone about Spotted Dick and Half Off Cadbury Mini Eggs? I like to think I am, but if I wasn't, would anyone notice?

I'm going to just tell myself the answer to that question, because the only answer I want to hear right now is "Yes, people NEED that information."  Otherwise the only one I have to blame for my phone reliance is me. This way I can say "I'm doing it for THEM!!!"  Who?  All 12 people who read my blog and my 302 followers on Twitter.  But let's be real.  Joey Lawrence "follows" me and Lord knows he ain't reading my shit. And half my Facebook friends probably have me on block cause they are tired of hearing about Little House on the Prairie and Lionel Richie.  But for now, I'm happy to live in my little bubble. The bubble where I tell myself you want to know about Mary getting the blindness, Manly having the stroke, and Carrie falling down the well.  Owait, no one gives a shit that Carrie fell in that well.

Carry on. Carry on.

Armagetthehelloutofhere

You know that movie Armageddon? You know what burns my ass?  That guy Chic is about to go into space, so he goes to see his son and his ex is all "you can't come around here, the courts say you can't." Then he saves the world and bitch comes to NASA to welcome him home?  Oh, so he's good enough for you to take his money each month (he works on an oil rig for God's sake, you know Harry Stamper is paying him well, they are BFFs, so you know he's sending support!)  But he's not good enough to see his own kid until he saves the planet?

Now if it were me, I'd be all "bitch, talk to the hand."

But Chic's too much of a good guy, of course he's happy to see the kid, then he hugs her too.

Then there's me on the couch "look at this bitch, who let her in, where's NASA security when you need it?"

As you can tell, I've thought about this a lot. Probably too much.  But it's one of my favorite movies, so I've seen it like 50 times.  Yet it still bothers me.  15 years later for crying out loud.

I need to let things go.

The Pope. Not just a Prince song.

Today, March 8, the Vatican had a special announcement!  The Conclave to elect a new Pope will begin Tuesday.

___________Record Scratch_____________ WHAAAAA???

Didn't the Pope tell us he was stepping down a month ago? Oh yes, look, there it is, Huffington Post tells me it was February 11th!  That his last day will be February 28th!  And oh, look, the Conclave to elect the new Pope is gonna start March 11th. 

The Fuck?????

People People People (at the Vatican.) I don't wanna tell you how to run your business.  And let's be real, it IS a business.  Ain't NO WAY you can tell me it's not, the way you want us to tithe each week.  But let's be real.  If the Man in Charge announces he's leaving, get off your fat asses, get to Rome ASAP and pick a new leader OK??  It's not hard.  There are hundreds of flights to Rome each day.  Savannah Guthrie got there in time to say Ciao to Benedict.  And you're telling me the Cardinals making up the Conclave couldn't get there for a MONTH?  A MONTH? And don't start in on that shit about February being a short month.  Even the Cardinals from the far reaches of the Earth could have started their journey in time to get there in a timely fashion.  Announcement comes Feb. 11.  Cardinals book flights Feb. 12.  The ones who live in their fancy houses in the boondocks can't catch one til Feb 15 (they gotta travel by gold plated wagon to the nearest municipal airport, then take a small charter plane to the bigger airport. I know how it goes.)  OK, that puts you into Rome by what, Feb. 17?  Pope's doing his last minute Pope stuff, giving out the blessings, burning the secret documents, packing up "his" jewelry.  Conclave sits down to a buffet, makes jokes about fishes and loaves, you know, normal stuff.  They go over the CV's, have the discussion, make the smoke.  BOOM. Decision made.  Fast forward to the next week when the Pope finishes up and bam, you announce the new pope.

But here's what REALLY happened.

Announcement: Pope's stepping down.

Fat Cardinal 1: Oh, I gotta get a flight to Rome. Damn, I'm not gonna miss all-you-can-eat Crab Leg night at Joe's am I??
Fat Cardinal 2: What did he do????
Fat Cardinal 3: Oh I'm totally gonna win this time.

And so on, and so on.

10 days later they are like "Oh schnikey's, all the flights to Rome are sold out."

That's the only explanation I can come up with.  That, or much like our government, they have their heads up their proverbial asses and must not "get" that when your leader steps down, you need someone else to step up.  If not, you know what happens? I'll tell you!

People like me declare themselves the Interim Pope and make rules that the Catholics don't like.

So far, I've already lifted the meat ban, told the Gays they are welcome and cancelled Spring Forward.  Next up, every sentence must contain a bad swear.

Vatican, do you want this to continue?  Then step up.  Get your shit together, pull some strings and get the people in line.  If some of the Cardinals are late, tough nuts. You snooze you lose. You know what happens when you have one job to do and you show up late? You lose that job! Sorry, Charlie.  NEXT!!!!!!!

REAL Band-Aids?? Giggety!

Picture it. August 25, 2012.  I participate in my first race, the Tops 5K, and get two giant boxes of Band-Aids in the goody bag. Me and my cousins lament the fact that we wouldn't have to buy Band-Aids for a very long time.

And here we are today, March 1, 2013.  Here is a text conversation between me and Paul:

Paul: We need more Band-Aids, Jessica cut her foot.

Me: We are the only house I know that could go through 100 Band-Aids in 5 months.  There are a few giant sized ones under the sink, she can use that in a pinch.

Paul: Sink. Got it. OK, she's patched up.  Are we going out at all tonight?

Me: Yeah, we need Band-Aids.


I still don't know where they all went.  Wouldn't you think 100 Band-Aids would last forever? I know a lot of them were ruined when Paul dropped a box of them into the sink when he was shaving. (I walked into the bathroom to find Band-Aids laying all along the counter like some sort of crazy recycling ER wing.)  And of course, thinking we had SO MANY more in the wings I said "Oh we don't need to dry those out, throw them away, we have plenty more, remember the RACE Band-Aids?" Pfft.  How stupid I was. Cause you know what's happening now.  The Allans are going generic.  Bandages (NOT Band-Aids), here we come!

So question for all you moms and dads.  Are your houses the same? Or do you have "normal" bandage use?

No Encore for Old Ladies

I asked around for some good Happy Hour spots for a Friday Night and received some great suggestions.  One of which was Encore.  I think that would be fantastic except for one thing.  Encore is the old Hemingways.  Oh, Hemingways, how I miss thee!  I remember your delicious Friday Fish Fry!  I remember your mac & cheese that came with the delicious Friday Fish Fry! I remember coming to you in a dismal state the day after George Bush was re-elected to office and drowning my sorrows in your delicious French fries.  And I remember when you closed and I said to myself "where will I go when I need a Fish Fry?" I know, I know, you say "This is Western New York, you can get a Fish Fry anywhere."  It's just not the same!  I don't have the sweet memories at just any other place. So Hemingways, this one's for you.  Know that you are missed.

Candy Crush Saga

If I had the option to put a tag line under my headline it would be 'Sent from the devil.'

A few weeks back I got an instant message from a friend asking if I played this game. I said no. She said I should try it, "it's fun."

Obviously that friend did not care about me as much as I thought she did.

This game is torture. Torture. It's free to download. It gives you five lives to start. You use those in 15 seconds (OK maybe 10 minutes) and then have 3 options. Buy more, ask your friends for more lives, or wait. Well F that stain, we know waiting isn't an option. And Lord knows I'm too cheap to buy them. So I beg. And beg. My life has been reduced to working, making dinners, drinking coffee and begging my Facebook friends for lives in Candy Crush. It sucks ass. And sometimes no number of lives help. You'll get a level that you play over and over. You'll come close, this close, to winning. Then you run out of moves and scream at your computer screen (or I'm my case, your phone) "I hate you!!!!" One level I played so many times I finally backed down and paid 99 cents for 5 extra moves. Then I did that again. And again. So now I'm down $5, my house is a mess, my mail isn't sorted and I am so addicted to this game I play it everywhere. Yes, even on the toilet. Don't you judge me!!!!!

The only comfort is knowing I'm not the only one. A bright spot in all this is that my bestie and I are in the same boat. We text daily about how much it sucks and how we need lives or tickets to unlock the next episode. We could stop playing, yes, but well, that's not an option. We are addicts.

The moral? Don't start playing this game. Your budding ulcer will thank you. If you must start, get your bestie to play too, so you will have someone to commiserate with. And so that you'll both shorten your lives the same amount so you can go to heaven at the same time.

Same Old Song and Dance

I'm always looking for a new and exciting way to send my family's holiday greeting.  Thankfully I have this card as inspiration for this year.

Now does anyone have a ram I can borrow? You might not get it back, although Caramel's teeth aren't as sharp as this, um, WTF is that, a cougar?

Also, I'm gonna need someone about my age so we can duplicate this card, with the two moms.  Little help?

Actual Conversation

The following is an actual conversation which took place yesterday:

My boss: Lori, I'm gonna give you $100.
Me: OMG, that's so nice of you!
My boss: Well I'm gonna need it back, this is is how I want it, 2 - 20s, 4 - 10s and 4 - 5's.
Me:  (No response, except the wrinkling of my face in a WTF look.)

JB and LORI, a Parting of the Ways

I'm over Bieber. 

Remember when I had the fever, and I was all "baby, baby, baby, oh, like baby, baby, baby, no!" And then I was all "When I was 13, I had my first love."  Then I was even "I will never say never." 

And then that little bastard had to show his ass.

Acting all cocky on the Today Show hijacking Matt Lauer's Twitter page.

Tweeting while he had the little handicapped girl on his lap, of course he acted like he wasn't once he saw the cameras rolling but we know the truth JB!

The final injustice was him calling 911 to report he was being "followed" by 5 cars, when he had gotten pulled over for driving his CHROME car like a maniac on the streets of LA.  From what I've heard of LA, they have enough troubles with people driving normal, they don't need your 19-year old punk ass driving your CHROME car like a total toolbag. People have families you know! 

So it's official. I'm over Bieber.  You know it's official when I say this.  I stopped following him on Twitter. 

BELIEVE this Biebs!

They say it best

Where do the Libyans live? Here!

Spring ahead my ass

See what has happened? I lost an hour, now it's 4:53 and it's too late for me to take my Sunday afternoon nap. Bullshit I tell you!!!! Bullshit!!!

Actual email I just received.

So every once in a while I get an email that really gives me a good laugh.  Today is one of those days.

Just received this:

Did you hear Snooki is pregnant? Maybe the Mayans are right and this is the end of days.

My man is back!!

Last night he informed me that he had a 'Desert booger.'

God, I missed him.

Longest Week Ever

Some of you may know that Paul is away on business this weekend. Here lies Lori, taking the kids everywhere and making dinners (insert violin music here) while he's "working" at the 4-star resort in sunny Phoenix, AZ (insert violin music here).  I think he thought I'd feel better last night when he informed me that he was "tired and wanted to come home."  I almost felt better, but he's is in a hotel where they make his bed, clean his bathroom, wipe his ass, pick up his towels off the ground, etc., where I'm all driving J to school and waking up at the ass crack of dawn for Mamo-fun.  Did I mention I have a meeting until 8 tonight, then I have to pick Paul up from the airport, then I have to bake cookies for a meeting at 8:30 tomorrow? Oh the humanity. Oh wail, wail is the work of the mother-of-the-year ever done?

(Yes, I'm joking.)

Since the week has been all out of whack, I've been finding myself extremely tired.  Just last night I wondered "is it normal to barely make it through the Wheel of Fortune before wanting to crawl into bed?"  I persevered of course. I mean, go to bed before the kids? That's crazy talk. So I went at 9:30 after watching what I found to be a disappointing Modern Family. 

Where we are at now is me counting down the days until I can sleep in again.  Or take a nap.  I don't forsee it happening this weekend as I have a baby shower, then Duncan's b-day party (13, woot woot), and on Sunday I'm taking my mom to the casino (someone has to picket it right?)  Paul has a great weekend of fun ahead of him too.  I have a small list (read: scroll) of things for him to do Saturday morning. 

Big Day in Car Land

At least for me. After close to two years of ownership, my little girl finally hit 17,000 miles! Please - a moment of silence.

Leap Day? More like Eat Day!

Fantastic start to my Leap Day. 

Had my first ever mammogram.  It was quick, it was painless, and Windsong Radiology had bowls of Hershey Kisses everywhere I turned.  Fantastico!  Best of all -everything AOK, I don't have to go back for five years.  Holla boo boo honey child.

Next up, a delicious breakfast sandwich with sausage, egg and cheese on a COSTANZO'S roll.  Delicioso! I ate 3/4 of it before I threw in the proverbial towel. 

Fast forward an hour when a meeting broke and trays and trays of Paula's Donuts were leftover.  Booyaa!  I took a 1/2 and ate about 2/3.  Superb! (I'd throw in another foreign word here but I used them all up on my explanations above.) 

Moments later Buffalo Bills Linebacker Arthur Moats comes through the building to thank staff for our support of the United Way.  I stopped him for a photo and he was happy to oblidge.  Best of all? No dinosaurs busted out of the foliage behind us to snap at our heads!

Here's where the day goes downhill. 

I made some toast in the cafeteria (only $0.65 for two huge slices of rye) and I got fancy (lazy) and put them in the long way, causing them to get stuck in the rolly toaster, thereby almost burning down the joint. 

Next up, I learn Davey Jones died.  I was just listening to those crazy Monkees the other day.  66?  That's too young to go.  Unless you're a musician I don't like (Henry Rollins, I'm talking to you.)

I soothe my soul with some Hershey's Bliss (since I didn't have any Kisses at the Windsong, I have SOME rules about candy!)  I have a handful of animal crackers.  Nothing will ease the pain of this loss.

Fast forward to 3 p.m. where I get the shakes becuase the only protein I've gotten the entire day was in the breakfast sandwich I ate 7 hours earlier which was followed only by complex carbohydrates.  I ate 1/2 of a protein brownie.  I felt better.  I realized I had many hours before the end of this day which started at 6:10 a.m. (I usually sleep until 6:55.)  I kept it together - you know for the kids (or because crying mid-day at your desk cause you went to bed too late the night before is kind of frowned upon.)

I have to go now.  I'm sure somewhere out there is something I haven't eaten yet (piece of pizza fallen on the floor, half eaten bologna sandwich in a trash can.)

They Deliver

Thanks, Jeff!

I love you, Ina!!!!

Ina, you know I love you - but you can't deny this is true. Each time you cook you tell us how easy things are. But you know this is what you're really thinking!!

Yay Buffalo News

The comics are a serious business in my house. The wee ones were fighting over it. J won.

RIP Whitney

I just watched Whitney Houston's version of the Star Spangled Banner from Super Bowl XXV. Not only did I get chills watching it, I became so engrossed it was like I was I'm a different world. Jessica asked me 'mommy, can I have this muffin,' and I said 'yeah yeah.' Duncan busts over and asks me something, I mumble a yes and go back to my video. The kid could have asked me 'could I take your car out for a joyride!' and I'd be all 'sure thing and take your sister' cause I gotta see Whitney in her glory days, the best there is!! Good times people. Except for that whole war and the Bills losing the game by 1 point thing...

Side note - the New Kids on the Block were the Halftime Performers at this Super Bowl. How come I didn't remember that??

Me and Kitty on a Saturday Morning

Even she can't figure out why the kids woke up so damn early!!

It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World

Actual conversation from this morning.

Me: You have 2 kids, 4 dogs and a job - how can you watch all these movies?
Heather: Actually I have 11 dogs right now.
Me: That shit ain't right.

A Bunch of Skinny Kids, With Glasses

Well here I am - ready to start blogging and I got no topics, NO TOPICS (say this like Jerry, when he was with NO SLEEP after spending the night at Kramer's apartment.) Someone nicely suggested I write about riding my bike without glasses. Well that's just crazy talk. I can barely make it to the bathroom without my glasses. But my kid can! Wanna know how I know that? Because just yesterday the call came in from Paul at 7:45 a.m. "Can you bring Jessica's glasses to her at school?" Of course I can, I'm the mother! But the real question is, how the hell did she get all the way to school without the things?

Here is me every morning. Alarm goes off. Snooze. Goes off again. Snooze. I can't REALLY tell what time it is because I don't have my glasses on, so I squint and try and see the last number. If it's an 8 or 9, I'm hosed, that means time is running out. I cannot tell you the number of times I've gotten up, reached for my glasses and had them fall either on the ground or in one of the drawers which I keep open in my dresser, because they won't close, because clothes are hanging out. But that's niether here nor there. The main issue is that they are no longer WHERE I LEFT THEM. Well normal people just reach down because they can partially see what's going on. Not THIS girl. This girl is like "oh fudge..." Here's where the fun starts. I call whichever person is the closest.

"Oh Duncan (or Jessica or Paul) - can you help me get my glasses."

I can just tell they are giving me the "look" which says "how lazy are you woman - get your own glasses," but then I explain they are MIA. Well they of course THEY can find them right away. Stupid kids and Paul with their stupid good eyesight!

But I digress - and the question remains. How did Jessica get up, get dressed, brush her hair, brush her teeth, pack her bag and get out the door without her glasses? When I dropped the glasses off to her at school I told that silly goose that if I didn't have my glasses I'd end up wearing daddy's pants to work. She just looked at me like I farted and went off to play with her friends.

So I ask you. Did glasses become cool when I wasn't looking? Because for me, they totally ruin all my trips to water parks.

Side note: when I dropped off the glasses there were about 20 kids being watched by 3 ladies who were sitting at a cafeteria table drinking coffee. I think I'm overpaying for those services. End Note.

Halloween Tips for All!

Call me old fashioned, but if you are taking your toddler out Tricks and Treating in his/her wagon, please refrain from using the cup holder in said wagon for your Labatt Blue. And if you have to carry that child to the door because they aren't steady on their feet, please put your cigarette out before you pick them up.

Also, I know your dog can't eat chocolate. So don't be dressing them up as a Hot Dog or a Ballerina and carying a bag for them.

Finally, if you are 14, and want to dress as a nerd, the glasses with tape are a perfect touch. The skirt that sits 7 inches above your knees (and about 5 inches below your you know what), is not.

I Still Love Him

Ain't It the Truth??

So It Is...and So It Shall Be

I told myself that this would be the year I'd get myself in order. I'd have it going on. I'd be the girl who had it down. Well it worked, cause I was the only soul waiting in line at Lloyd's Taco Truck with an umbrella. You should have seen those fools, all soaked and having to go back to their desks with wet ass. Chumps.

I Didn't Make it...I'm Just Sharing is All....

Now do I still see a show of hands for those who want Reagan on Mt. Rushmore?

Not My Paul!

Or maybe....

Thanks bluntcard!!!!!!

NOTES FROM THE EDGE OF LIFE

I received this email and was delighted by so many of these I had to share. Specifically, I laughed at the one about Vampires, but then I got mad thinking "don't be talking about Edward that way!" hahahaha

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." Just saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

Actual Email Conversation

I just had this email exchange, word for word. I can't stop laughing.

Them: What is it exactly that Nicole Ritchie does for a living?
Me: Umm...has bastard kids?
Them: So how does she make money?
Me: I don't know, I think she has a clothing line right?
Them: Get out of town, what's it called Little Sluts?

Weekend Fun

Busy weekend. Wedding, Communion and NKOTBSB.

For those of you who aren't 12, or 34 (and who went through the New Kids craze) that's the combined tour of the New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys. I enjoyed every minute of that show, which is a shock cause I really was expecting to know like 5 songs and to sit playing on my phone the rest of the time.

In ANY case, Pamcakes and I hit up the city early before the show to grab some dinner. The wait at Pearl Street was an hour, and there were a gozillion girls in homemade t-shirts hanging around the outside, so we headed to Main Street. And where did our feet take us?

City Grill.

Dun dun dun.

There were no girls in hand crafted, bedazzled cotton shirts out front, so we weren't even sure it was open, and I'll tell you what - that is a damned shame, since it's a nice place and the food was excellent. And the jokes - well the jokes you can make while you are there? They can't be beat. I mean, the best part of the night, besides the concert and the delish chicken sandwich, was the conversation we had as we walked in the door.

Me: What's that smell?
Pam: Death.
Me: Ohhhh...that's low (as I practiced ducking under a table to avoid a stray bullet.)

As you can see by this post, and the fact that I am now a full fledged fan of the Backstreet Boys, we made it through dinner unscatched. So if you are reading this, consider going to City Grill. They could use the business. And then you can wear one of those shirts that says "I survived" with the City Grill logo under it.

Biebs???

Well, for the second time in four months, it's happened again. I got the Bieber Fever. I don't know if it's full fledged "fever," maybe more of a 99.1 degree thing, but still, I'm 34. This is embarrasing. It all started when I took the kids to see Tangled and saw the preview for his new movie. I was like "who is this kid and why are the girls all crazy over him?" But then Baby got stuck in my head. So I kept watching it on Youtube over and over and over again. Like 50 times. Actually I think I only watched it 10 times, the rest I just listened while working on other stuff (aka while on Facebook.) So I finally broke down and downloaded it on Itunes, and put it on a mix CD in my car, but listening in the car just wasn't as fun as listening on my earbuds. I don't know if it was the sound or what, but I fell off. I suspect it was that I was slightly mortified at the thought that blaring the Bieber while driving to work would be the clue that I had the fever, whereas listening on my earbuds no one had to KNOW I was listening to it! So last night Pauline fixed my Itunes which had locked me out for some reason (technology, my best friend, my worst enemy.) So what do I do? I download Never Say Never. Yeah, that's right. Me and Biebs. We never say never. So I listened to that 10 times before bed, got into my car this morning to listen to my new mix CD (made before I downloaded Never Say Never), and of course put Baby back on. When will this madness stop? I don't know, but I suspect the shitty rap by Jaden Smith in the middle of Never Say Never will be what makes me finally stop listening. Jaden. I know your daddy is a famous "rapper" and your momma is beautiful and your sister feels the need to whip her hair back and forth, but could you go finish your schooling and get into a normal career? Like can't you be a plumber or an attorney or something? And take your sister with you. I don't need any more Smiths in my life. I made that determination after Anna Nicole passed.

Did My Dad Get a New Car??

I had to get a pic of this. Actually I didn't have my phone, so my friend had to get a pic of this. It was parked at work.


I'm guessing the driver put it there so you don't mess with them if you ever have the bad luck of rear ending him/her. If I was ever in such a pickle I don't know what I would do - drive off before they knew what hit them, or call 911?

Now those who knows me, know I'm pretty open. I'm respectful of people's beliefs, I can have a discussion about politics or religion, and traditionally I remain calm if people are on different sides. And normally I get a kick out of people who have bumper stickers like this. My father has one that says "The 2nd Amendment Ain't About Duck Hunting." I tried to explain to him that the people who are against guns don't care about his hunting rifle - that they are an issue because so many people have them illegally, but I've learned that arguing with my father is like spinning class. It takes a ton of effort, it's painful, and at the end you are in the same place you started. So I don't do it anymore. But I felt compelled to tell you all that I don't feel threatened by my dad's sticker so much as I do by the one above.

Seriously, now. Seriously? I can only surmise one thing. This truck is driven by a total d-bag. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

STARSHIP

Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now just came up on my Pandora station.

I might as well pack it up and go home, this day really can't get any better.

Buy Me This. PLEASE!!!!!

Imagine how sweet I'd look walking up to my hatchback with this in the front window!

Come On - You Know It's Funny!

Doing My Job For Me

I tried putting my distaste for the Super Bowl Halftime show into words, but couldn't. I just sounded whiney, cause everyone knows I dislike the Black Eyed Peas. WIVB.COM reported that the crowd roared for the BEP. I explained to them (through Facebook) "of course they cheered - they are loaded."

So I look to Us Weekly, who put my thoughts into words: "Clad in Tron-style costumes, Fergie and her band mates will.i.am, apl.de.ap and Taboo shouted their way through a stale 10-minute medley of 2005 hits saved only by Usher leaping over will.i.am's head and landing in a split to perform "OMG." Rocker Slash offered a brief assist with "Sweet Child O' Mine.""

They had a poll too, did you love it, hate it, or skip it. HATED IT is winning with 12,300 votes. And this poll just went up a few hours ago.

I knew I wasn't the only one.

Cheese, Glorious Cheese

So I like cheese. Like really, really like cheese. I'm not some snob about it, I like your basics. Pepperjack, sharp cheddar, sometimes I spice it up with gorgonzola in my lettuce salad, or some fontinella in my pasta salad, but sometimes I hear cheeses on the Food Network and I go "huh?" Tellagio? OK then. Anyway, I was talking to a co-worker and she said her daughter loves cheese. Like LOVES cheese. One time in her school paper she had to fill in the blanks and it went like this:

I like ___

I love ____

I don't like____.

The first two blanks she put "cheese" and the last blank she put "my brother."

In any case - she developed a Cheese Guide for all those who wanted to know the many types of cheese that she enjoys. I felt the need to share it here for all to see, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. I think my favorite is the "swirly cheesestick" cause I love those babies! Although Monster Cheese almost broke me.

Men Are Just Happier People

I didn't write this, but man did I ever enjoy reading it. I try NOT to be like the women they talk about here, but it's so hard not to. I mean, pay for someone's $9 glass of wine? I just can't!

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

EATING OUT

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream , razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAYA married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Cough Cough (Spray Spray)

Well it comes up every winter doesn't it? The sickly co-worker.

I have one who it seems is always, and I mean ALWAYS, sick. I'm not saying she has some sort of deficiency and can't keep away the germs, but at least once every two weeks I'm greeted by a "Hello" that sounds like it's coming from a male vs. a female cause she has some sort of ailment in her throat, chest, whatever.

Now I posed this question last year on Facebook and was shocked by the answers and comments - but here goes again. Should you go in sick? A lot of people commented that they had no choice, that they had no sick time, didn't want to use vacation time cause they had other vacations planned, etc. But my job has a pretty liberal sick time policy - we get enough days - and I know this woman hasn't used her allotment. Wanna know how I know? Cause she's at work EVERY EFFING TIME SHE IS SICK!!!!!!

Do I want her germs? Do I want to get sick? Will it ever go away if you are just passing it back and forth from person to person? I don't want to be unreasonable, but come on already. You aren't doing anyone good straining to talk on the phone and spewing the germs all over your desk and the surrounding area each time you cough. Let's not mention the things you touch in the office that other people then touch and spread around. Oi Vey I can't think of it! And I don't want to sound all high and mighty, but let's get serious. We aren't exactly splitting atoms over here, and we certainly aren't on the cusp of finding a cure for cancer. So I'm thinking if we need a few days to get our sickness out of us, we should take it. If not, then I feel I have my right to bitch. Who's with me???

MUST. STOP. LAUGHING

This is my friend's status update (but I changed the last name you pervs!)

How Toy Story 3 goes down in the Gooding house:

Me: You have too many stuffed animals in your bed.

Angelo (who is 5): Maybe I should give some away. (To his stuffies:) Guys? If I don't pick you to stay with me, don't be sad. I mean, you'll be sad cuz you'll miss me. But then you'll be happy because you have a new owner....Brown dog, are you ...even listening to me?!

The Difference Between Me and Normal People

I just got an email from a friend who told me a story of how she rushed and rushed to finish a baby blanket for a shower for her sister-in-law. I actually saw her knitting the thing out in public on a Monday afternoon, because she needed it for the following Sunday. In my head I was thinking "Oh child, I would have just bought her a boppie pillow and a book," cause that's me. Cause we all know how things go when it comes to me and finishing projects, especially projects that are "crafty."

In any case, she finished, practically giving herself Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in the process. The blanket was finalized at midnight the night before the shower. Fast forward to the actual shower, when the mother-to-be opened her gift, pulled the blanket out, announced "blanket," then continued to go through the box of items to list what was inside. My friend, who is nice, smiled and in her head was like "WTF WTF WTF WTF."

And this is where we get to the difference between me and her.

Cause if that was me who had hauled ass for the past three weeks to get it done, and had stayed up til midnight sewing something, then had to wrap the frigging thing, this is what would have happened.

I would have stood up and yelled "I made that bitches!"

Then I would be like "pass it around slut, I want everyone to see my handywork!"

Cause that's just how I roll.

Now to be fair, if there were elderly people present, I would have just said "I made that." But I sure as hell would have been like "pass it around, everyone gets a feel!"

Good thing we know this will never happen, because I took knitting, but it never took to me. And we all know what happens when I try to latch hook things. Six years later those things go in the trash. Don't even get me started on needlepoint...

LeTuesday

My quest from LeMonday has turned into one for LeTuesday. I am searching for a LeBag! My cousin Elaine has one that she said I could have, but I need another one for a friend. Together, we are planning total world domination. Well really, we just want to carry them around. Perhaps we'll bring them "back" and by this time next year everyone will want to have one. In that case, the makers/owners of LeBag better give us LeProfit Sharing.

So you got one of these laying around? Contact me!

Happy New Year!

One of my goals (resolutions as they call them) for 2011 is to write on this Blog more. I have really been slacking. I think because most of the stuff goes on Facebook, but why not write a little bit more here and just put these links on Facebook I say? Who's with me?

In any case, not much has gone on in the new year, on accounta it just started on Saturday and it's only Monday, but I did just get an email from Paul which made me crack up laughing.

The kids and I listen to the songs from Glee ALL the time. The only reason they know the song Bohemian Rhapsody is because Vocal Adreneline sang it at Regionals and I loved it so much that I had to download it immediately. We listened to it all summer in the car, along with New Direction's Regionals version of Don't Stop Believin', although the kids had the regular version wrapped. Now that I don't take the kids to school in the morning, they are in my car a lot less, hence, the email from Paul, which read:

"Jessica and I were rockin' some Journey on the way to school this morning and she makes this disgusted sigh and says, 'this version is awful. He doesn't even get all the words right.'"

That's my girl!!!!!

What is funny is that I did the same thing. After listening to the Glee kids sing Don't Stop Believin' for so long, when I went back and listened to the Journey version I felt let down.

The moral of this story for January 2nd?

Nurture over nature my friends.

Nurture over nature.

ESCAPE!!

The animal (crackers) are on the loose!

Someone call whatever government agency you call when animals go wild.

Oh and Polly owes me $1 for dropping those babies all over the place! HAHAHAH

President's Day??

I just received this email from my cousin when I inquired about some travel dates for the upcoming new year.

I'm still laughing.

"What are the dates of both? And there's a President's day? When did that happen!?"

Ultimate Wedding Playlist

Two weeks ago a friend and I were discussing wedding songs. He noted that he liked my choice of song for my wedding to Paul - "Golddigger." Discussion ensued on that topic, and we decided to create the Ultimate Wedding Playlist - the songs that you won't hear at a wedding, but you'd piss your pants if you did. Here is the start. Do you have any suggestions for additions??? Please leave them in the comment section, or hit me up with an email (Lori1130@gmail.com)

Ultimate Wedding Playlist

(Drafted Dec. 2010, to be finalized Jan 2011)

1. Another One Bites the Dust - Queen
2. Highway to Hell – AC/DC
3. Girl, You’ll be a Woman Soon – Neil Diamond
4. Golddigger – Kanye West
5. Do Me! – Bel Biv Devoe
6. Fuck You – CeeLo Green

DISLIKE

Add "too lucky for one damned person" to my list of reasons to dislike Oprah Winfrey....

A Winter Statistic (Reminder)

I know I've posted this before (not sure when) but I wanted to remind everyone.

98% OF AMERICAN'S SAY "OH SHIT" BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM BUFFALO AND THEY SAY, "HOLD MY DRINK AND WATCH THIS."

Holiday Rules, According to Me

So my ladies and I are trying to schedule our annual Christmas Cookie Exchange for one of the weekends in December. I mean seriously, you can't have a Christmas Cookie Exchange in November or AFTER Christmas for crying out loud! So my friend JM has a pub crawl on December 11 so she can't do the exchange that day. A pub crawl! For crying out loud! So I decided to write her back and tell her my holiday rules. I feel if I share them, everyones lives will be easier. Here we go:

There are three weekends in December before Christmas and everyone knows that those weekends are reserved for Christmas-like activities including, but not limited to:

• Tree Cutting
• Tree Trimming
• House decorating
• Shopping
• Driving to the shopping centers (this counts as a separate event than shopping as it takes so long)
• Wrapping
• Holiday parties
• Holiday open houses
• Cookie Exchanges
• Jamming food into your mouth. This food should contain copious amounts of gravy and or icing.

I feel this list is pretty all encompassing, however, if you think I missed any Holiday items, please email me and I will take it under advisement. A note: a "Holiday Themed Pub Crawl" doesn't count unless you are being ridden from pub to pub in a sleigh which is drawn by reindeer. And has a jolly fat man at the helm riding you from pub to pub.

TEE HEE HEE HEE

Of course this took me a minute...I counted the fish, I looked at the drain. And then I peed laughing.

I KNOW WHAT EVERYONE IS GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!

I STILL LOVE YOU BONO

BUT I LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH EACH TIME I SEE THIS PIC

I NEED THESE

I know the difference between a need and a want, and we NEED these for our next bonfire!!!!

No Title Could Do This Justice

I just received the following email from my friend Jane. I had to read it twice. Then I sat back in my chair and just laughed and laughed.

I just completed the 99 bomb minesweeper! It only took me 2282 tries! See kids, you don't give up. You pursue the dream until it is yours! I would like to thank God, Dell and my parents for without them I would be nothing.
Peace, love & always reach for the stars,
MLCoolJ

Side note: I have only completed that level twice, but I have no idea how many tries it took. I wonder if she really does or if she just pulled that out of her rear. But I love her Randy Jackson words of wisdom about not giving up. The girl slays me. SLAYS ME!

Summer Summer Summertime (TV SUCKS)

I gotta say something. Summer TV sucks. I know that the TV execs think that people are outside galyvanting at 9 p.m. cause it's the Summer Summer Summertime (sing this to the Fresh Prince song). But guess what? The sun is pretty much in by 9, my kids go to bed at 9:30 and I'm ready for some TV. And there ain't no TV! We got the Deadliest Catch, which I could care less about, we got Project Runway, which I don't watch (I know, shoot me), we got The Next Design Star (come on, like anyone watches that) and we got Kathy Griffin's Life on the D-List, which has gotten shittay over the past few years (sorry Kathy, I love you but it's true). Sure there are a few shows I watch. Food Network throws me a bone with an entertaining hour of "Next Food Network Star" every Sunday, and I get my eye candy fill each Tuesday night at 9 p.m. when Michael Vartan graces the screen in Hawthorne, but I gotta put up with some crap between those episodes, which are only once a week. Of course they do have True Blood, but do I have HBO? NOOOO. And Weeds is coming back soon, but do I have Showtime? NOOOO. Cause the 100 bucks a month for cable only includes one "upgrade" - which is some racing network that my man watches. Racing? What are you from North Carolina, Pauline???

In any case, you would think that in the 400 channels, I'd find something I could watch. But do you really need some of those channels? Seriously, I like Game Shows, but does anyone need to see the Richard Dawson years? Hello Creepster, don't make out with the young ladies on the show. And Lifetime, I can't deal with any more movies staring Melissa Gilbert entitled "Someone shot my dog and stole my baby, and I want them back really, really bad!"

In short, I beg of you TV Execs out there, you know, all the TV Execs who read my blog, can't you just make the TV seasons longer so that I can watch my normal shows in the summer? I got the DVR, don't we all? I know some nights I might be at the Fantasy Island, catching the last of the rays in the lazy river, but I'll be home by 9:20, and I can catch up. I promise! I know some of the stars in Hollywood are spoiled and don't want to film more than 24 episodes, but I hear there are a LOT of unemployed actors in California, so just replace them! Let's get some of them in who will work more than 24 weeks out of the year (don't even argue with me that they work more than that, you know they don't unless they are doing extra movies! Lies, Lies!)

That is all.

My Kids??

Fun stuff from Walmart! We were in the parking lot, which I also refer to as "the Jungle" and I saw a man trying to get by us who seemed to be saying with his eyes "I'm getting by here whether you move or not." So I told the kids "walk single file, like Sand People." To which Jessica responded, "what are Sand People?"

What are Sand People? What are SAND PEOPLE? I asked Paul if he was sure she was his. Then Duncan chimes in "Are they the little ones or the big ones?" He then proceeds to tell his sister that Sand People are from Star Wars and having glowing yellow eyes and brown hoods over their heads. Again I looked at Paul with the "you're 100 percent sure??" They BOTH got a stern lecture on the way home, and Duncan was loudly informed that the creatures he was referring to were Jawas, NOT Sand People, and that he obviously was not paying enough attention when watching his Star Wars movie. Both children were made to sleep in the garage as punishment.

OK not really, but don't think I didn't think it! What are Sand People. Child, please, Allans aren't allowed to use those words! What's next - not knowing who we are talking about when we say "Cinnamon Bun Hair???"

Financial Kitten

My kitty was up on the dining room table the other day. Now frequent readers of my blog might now that this is a BIG event. Caramel is a corpulent kitty, so her getting on the couch or the coffee table takes effort. I have NO clue how she got on the dining room table. But on the dining room table, you'll find two huge binders of PRSA "finance-y" stuff, cause I'm the treasurer. The computer desk isn't big enough to house the binders, so they are on the Dining Room table almost permanently, unless we have people over. Paul sent me the picture below, taken when he got home from work on Thursday. He let me know that Caramel was taking care of the PRSA books. To that I said "Amen" because the checking account needs balancing. God Bless my Financial Kitten!

There Are No Words

I don't have many words for this video. Except for what I told my friend Pam after viewing it, as she is the one who sent it to me.

"Holy Effing Schmoley."

It makes me want to do daily stretching exercises to become more limber. But that's like work.

Click here (Video with Crazy Ladies) - and give it about a minute. You have to sit through a delightful song about Solid Potato Salad. Or you can skip the song once it loads, but why wouldn't you want to hear about Solid Potato Salad?

Yeah, I could do it. No prob! Whateva!!!! Except the part with that apple - that's just insanity.

Ohh Tee Nee

Love IS a Battlefield

You know how we know that Jordin Sparks? Cause Pat Benetar wrote a song about it close to 30 years ago. Now you come along with your Battlefield song, all singing with your weirdness and making me think "What the hell did she just say?" Why just yesterday I realized you weren't saying "gitcha rama." You were saying "get your armor." I GET IT! For the Battle. On the Battlefield. But you didn't have to tell me 4,500 times, once or twice would suffice. Instead, you told me to get my armor so many times I started to think about the word armor, so long that I started to doubt it was even a word. Then I started to think "good god, who wears armor anymore?" Kevlar vests - that's where it's at. Then I started to think about who wrote that shitty song. Couldn't they come up with something else to say? I mean, Pat never told me 4,500 times "we are young." She said it a few times, and I got the gist. I'm not dumb, dude. Don't be acting like I am just cause of "gitcha rama." For all I know, Webster added "githcha rama" to the Dictionary when I wasn't looking.

Man, Babies are SO LUCKY!

Happy Easter!

I Have Some Dreams

Lately I've been thinking about my "list" - things I want to do before I die. Actually these are more of things I want to do sooner than later - I don't want to be like "I'm dying, better get these off the list." Please note these aren't in any particular order.

1. Get on the Wheel of Fortune. Damn, I love that show. I set it to tape every night, and zip through it in 10 minutes, who needs to hear about the contestants cats and kids? I said it before and I'll say it again. I don't know much, but I know if I could get on that show, I'd rock that shit out of the water. Unless the wheel effs me. That happens sometimes. Someone will have built up their money to 5,000 and bankrupt. Then their next spin, Lose a Turn. That Wheel is a fickle, fickle bitch.

2. Go to Italy. I don't know why, but I have no desire to see France, Germany, Spain or Portugal. I just want to get to Italy. I think it has to do with me seeing the movie Gladiator and realizing just how old the Colliseum is and thinking "that is amazing." I know France has old stuff. I just don't care. I get the impression they don't really like us Americans over in France, anyone else get that impression? I wonder how the Italians feel? I bet they don't care, as long as we bathe.

3. Meet Bono. I think of all the band members, he'd be the easiest to talk to. I could see waiting out for Larry, and having him walk by me with his nose in the air. Or having Adam driving into a venue and just staring at a girl with big jugs while I'm standing there with my camera thinking 'Oh maybe the car will stop.' Yeah, it'll stop alright. To pick up the girl with the big jugs.

4. Get a fireplace. It won't be real, because well that's just crazy talk. I'm not moving anytime soon, I just want one of those fireplaces that you buy and just set up against the wall and plug in, you know, they throw the heat? Then I want a big TV to go over it. And to get rid of my entertainment center. But where will my candles go then? Maybe I need to rethink this item on the list.

Well - that's about it. I don't think these are outlandish, although I'm not sure they'll ever happen. I'm running out of money to chase Bono around ya know....

I Love This Show

I <3 NY

I just got an email from Paul, stating that my cat wants me home. How did he know? Well that's easy!!!!


Now all you cat lovers probably think this is just a normal think for a cat. Not for Caramel. For Caramel, her daily exercise is having to reach up with her front legs to eat her nightly treats off the coffee table (she gets them each night at 9:30 - and believe you me, if they aren't there at 9:30, I know...) Her jumping onto ANYTHING is a chore, so it's usually followed by a lengthy nap. I'd estimate she spends about 85 percent of her day laying/napping. An occasional burst of energy will see her chasing something imaginary through the kitchen for roughly 90 seconds. In the exhibit above, you can see she had yet another burst of energy, as she has full on jumped onto the coffee table, obviously under the delusion that she missed one of the treats last night. She did not. That didn't stop her from entering full on tracker mode....Note her stomach dragging on the coffee table. We wanted to buy her a Snuggie for Pets, but they didn't come in "husky" size.

You - Yes You

Are you reading this? Chances are you or someone you know will get the Swine Flu.

Now calm the fuck down, you'll be fine.

That's all.

Duh

I was driving home today thinking about a conversation I had with my cousin Jack this past June. He is five. We were at Walking with Dinosaurs. I was sitting in my chair thinking "how the heck are they going to keep all these kids entertained for 90 minutes?" cause God knows if everyone paid 35 bucks and it was only an hour, there'd be anarchy. So I decided to ask around, thinking the kids had probably seen something about it from hours of Cartoon Network watching.

Me: "I wonder what's going to happen?" (this was to all three kids but my own kids were ignoring me)
Jack: "The dinosaurs are going to walk around."
Me: "Oh."

I'm not saying a WORD when we are at the circus tomorrow.....

Four Allans in a Pod - Summer 2009

Well I know you've been on the edge of your seats waiting for me to post something new, so I thought I'd throw ya'll a bone. Here we are, end of August and I haven't posted a damned thing since June. Sad.

Here is an update. The adoption is complete - finalized on July 28, 2009. We went to the courthouse on a blazing hot Tuesday and parked in a very scary ramp underneath the Main Place Mall. All other ramps around the courthouse were filled on accounta some rat bastard scheduled the Bar Exam to be administered at the Convention Center on the same damned day. Assholes. Anyway, we parked, got to the court, went in, pulled all our jewelry off to get through the metal detectors and waited. I went through. They saw my camera and said "Oh you can't take that in" and I said "Oh sorry I thought we could take a picture when it was done." Then I get the "where are you going?"

Me: "Surrogate court?"
Her: "Oh that's across the street."
Me: "WTF???"

I run out of the building yelling "kids, follow me." Paul tries to keep up but can't as he's taken his belt off to get thru security and his pantaloons are falling off. He makes me stop and I get my bearings and see where we have to go. I find it and run into traffic because I'm scared of being late. This bitch almost runs into me with her car and I give her the meanest look I have - which is pretty mean cause I'm stressed out at that point. Yeah she had the right of way but come on, I'm late, doesn't she know? Meanwhile Jessica is carrying around her blanket, Pinky, dressed in a shirt. Yes folks, a shirt. We get to the CORRECT courthouse (didn't think there would be so many to choose from in B-lo did you) and she asks me "should I put Pinky on the belt?" I freak RIGHT the hell out and go "PINKY IS A BLANKET SHE DOESN'T NEED TO GO THROUGH THE METAL DETECTOR!" The security man looks at me very strangely and calls me "mam" in his voice that he most likely uses on the irate folk.

Man with gun: "Mam, where are you going?"
Me (in my nice voice): "Surrogate court and I'm worried we're going to be late."
Man with gun: "OK it's upstairs, you go through here, you have plenty of time."
Me: "WTF do you know? You are down here, can you see through my fake leather purse material and read the letter telling me what time I have to be there? (This part is in my head)
Man with gun: "Bitch, they are letting you adopt someone? (Also in his head)

Well it all worked out in the end, we got upstairs and had HALF AN HOUR to spare. I guess they like to tell you to get there at 9:30, when the actual thing doesn't start until 10. I cleaned up the sweat from my brow and went in and shazam, it was done in like 50 seconds, no lie. Then, this:

Me: "Come on kids, let's get you home so you can scrub the floors with a toothbrush and beat the rugs with a stick."
Them: "GULP."

In other summer news, we went to Cedar Point where I braved some exciting rides this year - the always popular Tilt a Whirl and the Choo Choo Train. I would have gone on the boat but we had an appointment with Snoopy to see his Ice Show and I couldn't miss it because that is where I get my mid-day nap which is as traditional on this trip as is stopping at the 2nd rest area in Ohio to eat our sandwiches at 10:45 a.m. Apparently the man and woman driving through Ohio from Maine who were eating a snack at said rest stop didn't get the memo about our traditional sandwich stop, because they were sitting at our bench when we arrived. Don't worry, my dad explained to them that it was "our" bench, and kicked them out. I told him to leave a reserved sign for next year. My brother almost died of sheer embarrassment. See he's been away from my dad for a long time, on accounta him living in Vegas. Not me. Takes more than THAT for Fran to embarrass me...

We also went to Sunset Bay for the week, and somehow ended up with the ONE NICE WEEK this entire summer. My cousin Kathy is a miracle worker for picking that week. Rained once on Sunday for 1/2 hour, then stopped for the rest of the week. It was in the 70s-80s the entire week and sunny on all but one day. Who's complaining about Buffalo summers? Not me!

Right now, we are cat sitting for a friend. He has three cats who are currently in one room in the basement on accounta my one fat cat can't deal with anyone else in her territory and has taken to not only hissing at the other cats, but hissing at US if we even blink in her direction. She wouldn't get out from under the kitchen table, so we had to move her litter box and food upstairs, and now every few minutes I hear this strange "meow" noise. Not her normal "feed me" meow, but a "how could you do this to me, I trusted you sons of bitches and this is how you repay me" meow. I hope everything works out, cause these cats are here for 10 days!

Coming up: the new school year. Duncan will be playing the saxophone this year in the band. I have purchased the "large" pack of earplugs, so we should be good for at least the fall.

Hopefully I'll be updating more, but you know my Facebook and Bejeweled Twist addictions suck up a lot of time...stay tuned.

I Hope Great Doesn't Mean A Good Read

So some of you might not know, but I am adopting the kiddies. There is a LOOOOT involved, so the process has been going on for six months. I blame some of that on our slow ass attorney. That's neither here nor there, since by August, they'll be mine (insert maniacal laugh here).

In ANY case - Paul and I had an investigator come to the house last week to talk about the adoption, ask questions about us, where we grew up, how we met, when we got married. She took pictures of the kid's beds (don't worry, we moved the beds upstairs from underneath the basement stairs - a la Harry Potter.) She let us know that once she received your criminal reports from the state, that she would write her letter of recommendation. Here is where I have to laugh.

She emailed me last week to say that she received our criminal reports today and "they were great!" By great, I sure hope she means "clean" in lieu of meaning "an awesome read that had me on the edge of my seat."

"Gee Lori, do you think it was really OK to steal those paper clips from Depew Middle School?"

"Well they were just on the desk, I thought they were for the taking..."

"And Paul - that room service tray in the hall wasn't yours..."

"But, but, it was just sitting there, finders keepers!"

The Culprit

Now We Know Who to Blame!

Oink Oink Oink Oink

I'm coming for you. In FLU form! Mooohaaaaa

I Guess I'm NOT the Biggest Fan

This morning I went to the McDonald's Drive Thru for a delicious Iced Mocha. Delicious! There was kind of a back up at the ordering area, I was the third car in line. So I just rolled down the window and waited. Here is where it gets good.

The woman in front of me started off her order with "Can I just have" and I didn't hear a bunch of the stuff after that until I heard "10 hash browns."

Me: "HUH?"

Now I love a good hash brown. But 10?

Huh?

So like I said, I didn't catch the entire order, but I heard the total. $39. Thirty nine dollars! At the drive thru for breakfast? WTF did she order (besides the 10 hash browns?) That doesn't sound like a 'just' order to me - a 'just' order would be "just a coffee" or "just a mocha."

Well let me tell you something. Seven minutes later, I didn't give a shit what she ordered, I was just like get me my effing iced mocha bitches! I sat there and sat there. Her order was so big they gave her FOUR seperate bags and she had to actually sign the credit card slip, which you normally don't do at like McDonalds or Hortons and stuff. Nope, hers was so big, required a signature. And it took for fucking EVER!

Secretly I was jealous, because man, driving around wtih a big ol' bag of hash browns has got to be fun. But openly, I was pissed off cause I was late to work. The best part was that when I got to the window and handed the guy my card he was all rushed and practically threw my card and receipt back to me while handing me the Mocha. Oh like I'M supposed to rush now? I just sat my sweet ass in the drive thru lane for 10 full minutes and all of a sudden you are going fast? Pshhhh!

Moral? I learn something new each day. I'm not the biggest McDonalds hash brown fan there is!

I Had All I Can Stand

Well kids, the time is upon us. I've had all I can stand, and I can't stand no more.

My latest beef is with, well, the government. I like Obama. I don't love him, I like him. I was a Hillary supporter, couldn't get on Obama in the beginning. Then I warmed up to him and thought, well, can't get any worse now can it. But my beef isn't so much with the Federal government at this time, but with the government of this great state of New York.

Since December, I've been hearing from Governor Paterson how the state is broke. Broke, broke, broke, broke, broke. "NY is so broke it can't even pay attention!" I hear ya man, I hear ya. October 2008 hit and I was like "wait a minute, I'm broke!" OK I'm not really, but since then I have really tightened up on spending. And frankly, I've become a bit overzealous with the coupons. So much so that if Pauline goes out to Wendy's without a coupon from the "Dining Out Buffalo" book, he gets the stink eye when he comes home. But I digress. The state has no money. Alright, here we go - time to tighten the belt. We're all doing it! So the state is going to, also, right? Right???

Enter this week when I learned that Joe Mesi (Baby Joe for all you boxing fans) was being named to head a new senate office in Buffalo. Baby Joe ran for Senate last year, but lost. I had no objections to him running. People were like "why is he qualified, why is he qualified." My retort was "look at the monkeys in office now, is it going to get worse?" To that everyone replied, "well, no." Umm-hmm. Anyway, Mesi has been chosen for this new position. I quote the Buffalo News.

"Mesi has been hired to run the new Senate majority office in Buffalo at $70,000 per year, according to Senate spokesman Austin Shafran. He will head an office that could include as many as 10 staffers working from a yet-to-be-determined location. "

Hmm...making 70 grand a year huh? Well, it's not Hollywood money, but it's good, no? Me thinks. What's that I see, could include as many as 10 staffers? Hmm....10. That seems like a lot. That seems like 10 salaries, plus 10 state retirement pensions, plus 10 sets of healthcare benefits, and I'm betting those workers aren't going to be paying a fortune for it. Perhaps kicking in 20 bucks a week? Oh, and where are they going to sit? Oh, a yet-to-be-determined location? Ohhh. Well lets hope it's in an existing building and that they are going to take the existing office and fire those workers to pay for the new workers and to pay for Mesi to "serve as a liaison for the majority leader with the local community, working with local community groups.” Cause if not, that means rent, plus buying desks, computers, chairs, paper, copy machines, printers, pens, folders and all the countless other shit you need for an office to run.

The 2009-2010 NYS budget includes cuts from healthcare, education, prisons, parks, everything you can think of (except Welfare, that money went up) So here is where my question comes in. We have a senate majority leader with an office in Albany who we can contact by phone or email. If NYS is so "broke," then where the frig is this money coming from for this office? Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

I truly hate complaining to just complain. I like to try and do something to change the situation, to make it better. But what the hell am I supposed to do about this? SERIOUSLY. Who do you even complain to? I read another article about Brian Davis, a Buffalo Common Council member who has been writing bad checks for years, has no license cause the idiot never renewed it, and built a $180,000 house in an Empire Zone and doesn't pay taxes. WTF? WTF????? Shouldn't that shit (tax free housing) be reserved for poor people? Or maybe people who abide the laws and drive WITH their licenses and don't bounce checks all over town? But who do you complain to? The mayor? I'm sure he'll get right on the stick. But owait, he's friends with him, so maybe not.

Who the hell voted these people into office? I'd love to chat with someone who voted for Brian Davis. And I'd love to chat with whoever thought it would be a good idea to appoint a leader for a local senate majority leader in Buffalo. I can bet you dollars to donuts, it wasn't me. Cause when I went into the booth last Fall, I went in like this. If you are in office now, you won't be for long. Maybe I'm the only one who did that, cause we still have to stare at Crystal Peoples and Bill Stachowskis' muggs as they tells us that "I won't give up a portion of my salary, I shouldn't have to" or Antoine Thompson who proposes bills that give country workers more paid time off to spend with their kids. Good in theory pal, but they already get plenty of time, and frankly they have to do what everyone else does - take vacation time! And Crystal Peoples, I should never have brought her up, I might be here all day.

I just don't get it. I don't even know where to go. People like Kavin Gaughan have the right idea, but I think it has to start with these Legislators first. There is NO need to have 200 of them. And all the stipends for the committees they sit on? Hows about that's part of your "job" duties, just like everyone else?

I love living in Buffalo. I do. My family is here and I love calling it my home. But the last month has been rough, and I'm starting to think "OMG do I want to stay?" I can see why people leave. It's just so hard to sit by and watch while this crap goes on. Is it the same everywhere? Do they have stupid, useless titles in Nebraska? Do they cry broke but add more government jobs? Perhaps my friend's idea to annex my house is a good idea. I'm making Allanland. Who's with me?