Thursday, April 21, 2005

Making Me Want to Brew My Own for 10 Years!

Well Well Well - I got back from lunch today and thought, man I could go for some coffee. Since I had a $5 GC from Jack-a-Roo, Jeff and I said "Let's go to Starbucks!" Little did I know that this small trip up the street would turn into a Blog entry - but it has at Jeff's suggestion (his email upon arriving back at work said "I think our Starbucks experience deserves a blog entry… getting served by Mick Jagger, almost getting into a rumble with some low-class ho’s, and witnessing some lewd PDA."

At about 2:30 we set off on our journey, past the security cameras at Underground, past Flappy's Famous Edibles and Elixirs, past a man on the corner of Chippewa and Delaware smoking and wandering. I was tempted to yell "get a job," but I held my tongue.

We get to Stabucks. I'm third in line - it's booming for 2:40 on a Thursday! A man comes out of the toilet and I let him go in front of me - it's only right. I order my venti house, Jeff orders his drink. More people stroll in. The Mick Jagger look alike, hair in his eyes, is feverishly making the drinks. He yells to someone in the back "Can you come out here and help." We wait. We wait more. We keep waiting. Some suit is in there, gets his four drinks and I say to Jeff "no wonder." But that was just the tip of the iceberg - he went to his car and came back for two more trays. I think he was doing the Starbucks run for his entire office. I digress.

Another dude gets their drink. This low-class ho gets her drink, drinks some, shares it with her friend, then goes back up to the counter where Mick is still running around squirting the vanilla and grinding up the beans. She asks for something. At this point I say to Jeff "What the frig dude, she's got her drink and she's still at the counter." Sure I did my best to say it quietly without moving my mouth but to no avail. The other low-calls ho with her looks at me funny. I look at her. Ho number 1 comes back over. Ho number 2 tells her that I said something about her and her drink demands. Ho 1 says "who?" Ho 2 says "her." Ho 1 looks at me. Then asks her friend "her?" Ho 2 looks at me and says back "yeah." Ho 2 looks at me again. At this point I look at her, cock my head to the side and put on the biggest grin I can muster, but one that says very nicely "go fuck yourself your low-class ho." She kind of smiles back and turns around.

Meanwhile, I'm still waiting for my drink. Yes, a venti house. The kind they have brewed and ready to go, that they just put in the cup for you and give you. You know the kind! You get it at Tim Hortons each day, except they give it to you in 10 seconds, not 10 minutes. Mick is really stressing out at this point - and Jeff and I get a special treat as he reveals to another customer that he's been there since 7 a.m. What a trooper! I wonder if the Boy Scouts will be presenting him with his Martyr Badge tomorrow.

So I'm still waiting. Jeff asks me if they are crushing the beans out back. I wonder that too.

More people get their drinks. They are told "sorry for the wait." People are arriving, paying and getting their drinks before I am. Jeff gets his drink. I wait. Low-class ho 2 gets her drink. I wait. Two people who came in after and also got houses are now sitting down in front of us. They hold hands. Because they had one free hand (only one was holding their coffees, which they actually got...) The man who I let go in front of me in line is asking to go BACK into the bathroom. I start to wonder what is up with him.

I say to Jeff "at what point do I go ask?"

"I guess now" he says. I go up to the counter and wait. Mick is really busy cleaning out the blender now. His back is turned. I wait. He turns around and I say "hi, I'm waiting for a Venti House." He turns to the girl and says "Venti House." I look at the girl and she looks at me with this look like "What the F are YOU looking at?" and I say "I'm looking at you bizatch, I ordered a freaking HOUSE a fucking month ago." Well I said that in my head....

So she puts the house in the cup, he puts it on the counter and says sorry for the wait. And you know the tone. It's "sorry for the wait but I'm not THAT sorry since I got here at 7." And I want to say "Son, you don't know from sorry because I'll be coming back here quarter to never and you don't care but I'm sure corporate cares and LoriV got the internet!" But instead I just say "ummhmm."

Here is where I get a bit miffed. Aren't they supposed to upgrade you or something? Or give you a coupon considering you had to wait 20 minutes. Or actually make an attempt to CARE that you had to wait. Because I know they know that Spot is right across the street. So they know they have competition. And not like the workers at Spot are such a treat, but their coffee is a bit better and I don't have to dump half of it out to water it down with many, many ounces of half and half.

So this trip has not only encouraged me to bring in my own coffee pot, but now I'm on this whole mission to take Corporate down! Stupid Starbucks and their stupid expensive coffee. What kind of world do we live in where a Venti House is $1.80. A cold, cruel world, that's what kind of world! And must I be treated badly by low-class hos who give me dirty looks for saying something that isn't even bad, and by workers at Starbucks? I mean, come on - you work at STARBUCKS! Get over yourself.

So now my new motto is "F Starbucks." You can't swing a dead cat in Vegas without hitting a Starbucks, but now I'm on a mission to get Hortons to the West Coast. They need it bad. Who's with me??

Oh, I should also mention on the walk back to CFS the lovebirds from Starbucks passed us on Delaware and they weren't holding hands whilst walking. If they are so in love they can't keep their hands off each other in Starbucks, you'd think they be sucking face on the way home. I say I don't need to PDAs at Starbucks. Jeff says "this isn't the French Riviera - get a room!"

And by the by - this coffee ain't all that! Posted by Hello


Michele said...

I second that, F#$* Starbucks! Hortons Rules!

CG said...

Forget the story, did you get that ho's number for me?!

Lori said...

Thank you Michele!

Carl, of course I didn't get the ho's number - she was all looking at me funny. Screw getting her number I should have put my boot up her a**!!!!!! In the words of Julie Brown, "she deserved it."

David Michael Luke Cichon is sexy said...

Whoa dude, your blogs have intense themes not found in any other literary work; let us not forget that spending a whopping $1.80 for a Venti House at Starbucks Coffee does not mean that service is included...did you drop any pennies in the tip bin? Maybe you should consider it...

david said...

even if you paid with a gift could pull some pennies out of your ass...

Lori said...

Listen up son - No I didn't leave a tip, I paid with the GC for my drink and Jeffrey's drink and he paid the balance - so I believe the tip would have been up to him, am I correct? I didn't even bring cash with me, just the GC. And frankly, if I HAD left a tip, I would have fished it out after being treated so rudely.

Do NOT make me start up on customer service.

TOO late, I will be writing about that tomorrow.

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