Leavin' On A Jet Plane

Well kiddies, the time has come. I'll be on vacation all next week with no access to email and no fancy camera phone with internet access, which can only mean one thing. No updates on the Blog from now until I get back, which is August 6th, but since I have stuff doing all that day, you are all looking at a whole WEEK of no updates from me. For those of you who rely on this blog to get through the day, I offer up these tips.

1. Go to The Onion - it's very funny!
2. Visit The Casual Friday - it will certainly make you laugh!
3. Appreciate The Cheese - a great way to laugh the night away.

if these don't provide what you have been missing from my blog, I apologize. I would recommend crawling into bed, getting into the fetal position and staying there for the next 8 days. Remember to bring the TV remote into the bed with you as not to miss the Wheel or the Price is Right.

So Kiss Me and Smile for Me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane (my airbus), don't know when I'll be back again (Saturday, the 6th.)

And yes, I'm kidding about the above, do you think anyone really relies on this blog? Jesus, take a joke man.

Ohhhhh I Hear Laughter in the Rain

Everyone Look at Lady Olivia, AKA, "Pretty In Pink!"

I just re-discovered Neil Sedaka. Not that it's an exciting re-discovery, I think he's dumb to be walking the rain when you can just wait out a storm and walk in the sun, but I digress.

Speaking of Discovery, can someone please explain to me why NASA is having all sorts of troubles with the space shuttle? They announced today they aren't going to send any more shuttles up until they worked out problems with debris. Well shouldn't that have been worked out a long time ago? How did we get all those shuttles up there in the 80s? And don't they already have a shuttle up there now? And if I remember correctly, the problem with Columbia came when they were flying back to Earth, not flying into space. So how are the people up there going to get home? And can you imagine for a second if you flew into space in July, and were stuck up there for the whole summer, maybe into September? You'd miss the season premiers of all the good TV shows! I would say that is cause for sueing, wouldn't you???

Riddle Me This Batman

Yes, once again, I have a question I'd like answered.

By now, many of you have heard the latest in the fabulous life of Jude Law, that he cheated on his 23-year old girlfriend Sienna Miller with a former nanny and Sienna is "enraged," in addition to being hurt, her mom is calling Jude "a bloody idiot," blah blah blah.

You can read more about it here.

Sienna Enraged Over Jude's Betrayal

Here's where I get confused. Sienna Miller and Jude Law started dating while Jude Law was married to Sadie Frost. So Sadie and Jude are together, and he does what? Sleeps with Sienna Miller. So first and foremost I'd like to point out Jude cheated on Sadie, and I'm sure Sadie was upset, but did she go an hide in the country feeling betrayed? No, she showed Jude who was boss and kept the kids! Secondly, and I already pointed this out, but Jude CHEATED ON SADIE. Did Sienna Miller actually think he'd be faithful? Might I bring up what Rachel Green's mother says? "Once a cheater, always a cheater!"

So here is my question.

Do you think Sienna Miller really thought she was woman enough to keep his private parts private for long?

Yes or No!

Where's My Photos David?

As many of you know we took the annual family trip to Cedar Point last week and David took many, many photos which captured our journey. They are mostly of Jack, but there are some other winners which were taken throughout the day. Well David said "Yeah Yeah, I'll upload them when I get home." That was Tuesday. Today is Monday, one week later, and still, I have no pictures. How am I going to share them with my readers if I don't have access to them? It's just not right I say! Share the link David, Share the link!

I saw the funniest movie ever last week, the Wedding Crashers. HILARIOUS my friends, absolutely hilarious. If you have the time and means, I highly suggest going. And tell all your friends, it's a winner!

Next week is Sunset Bay week which I'm very excited about. I have decided I WILL NOT BE checking into work ONE time the whole week. I haven't had a vacation where I didn't check in since, um, I'm not sure. I can't remember the last time. So this will be a good one! I'm not trying to come off like the agency is going to crumble if I don't check in, but it always seems like something is going on that I have to check on during the week. Not now though! I'm sitting on my ass all week and will not be disturbed.

MOONDANCE Excursion - Wednesday, August 24th, the boat sails from 8:15 - 10:15. The more people we have the cheaper it is! If we fill the boat with 45 people (the max) it'll only be 18.50 per person. Woowoo! So be there or be square!

And finally - this guy at work shared all his CDs on DVD with me and he had the song Bump N Grind by R. Kelly. I put it on my computer thinking it was good, but it is just NOT good. He probably wrote it while thinking about a 12 year old girl! Sicko....

Ciao bella!

Punishment Island

I feel as if I've been neglecting the Blog this week, which I know upsets my readers (the four of you) but I don't really have anything new to report. I did have a chance to attend Ryan and Kevin's hockey game at the Pepsi Center on Monday. They were on the "Feature Rink" which I think really stands for "The biggest arena we have and we don't have to air condition it because we know you'll stay in there, otherwise you'll look rude." Alas, the game was lost, however, I was witness to THREE, count 'em, three fights, all of which were very exciting. I saw four team members get ejected from the game, but I was behind these glass walls so I couldn't hear any good swearing. Except from this girl who was cheering on the opposing team, and yelled at one of the guys who started a fight "Hey yellow, good job you f-ing homo" whilst holding her 2-year old daughter in her arms. Thus proving what we already knew - any idiot can have a child.

Oh, also exciting this week, I had another very odd dream. I don't think this one will ever be explained, but you know those things that hold the end of your shoelace together? Yeah, you know 'em, cause there is a picture here. Anyway, one of them was in my nose. So there I was, blowing my nose (sorry if that grosses you out) and this thing comes out. I thought it was very odd (in my dream) since I couldn't feel it in there, but then waking up I realized it wasn't just odd, it was just wrong! What goes on at night when I'm sleeping?

In other news, I was watching the weather channel this morning to see if we would break 90 (we aren't going to today) and in Vegas, the weatherman is calling for a high of 115. I don't think my brother has AC in his work truck, so I'm going to go out on a limb and predict today is going to SUCK for him.

Fly the "Friendly" Skies

An anonymous tipster has pointed out that "Airlines could make BIGGER money if when you booked, you had the option of choosing a theme flight offering special meals. Expanding on the food realization, you could book the 7am Pizza Hut flight to Hoboken or the 915am Hot Dog Heaven flight to Portland."

What a wonderful idea. I already know about theme flights. I recently learned that Hooters operates a flight to South Carolina, and I read in Allure just this morning that there is a nude flight from Miami to Cancun. Perhaps all flights should have a theme. There could be tons of them! The "Stuffy Business Flyer" flight. The "I Haven't Flown In A While" flight. The "I'm Returning Home From Disney World With My Kids and Need Extra Overhead Bin Space for All the Shit They Made Me Buy" flight. Possibilities are really endless.

Now for the food flights, I know what flights I would take. I would definately fly the Pizza Hut Flight, in addition to the Burger King flight to Monte Carlo, the Taco Bell flight to Dallas, and the Arby's flight to Denver. I would not, however, book the Mighty Taco flight to Mexico (cause I don't like MT) or the Ponderosa flight to Cheyenne (could you imagine the restroom after four hours??)

On a side note, I am willing to bet the people on the nude flight from Miami to Cancun would be enjoying a Vegan Flight, which served all vegetables and soy burgers. Here's hoping!

Are there any flights that you'd like to see? Please comment below (I welcome all comments as long as you aren't mean!)

I Have (Well, I HAD) a Dream

So by now, many of you are aware of the crazy, insane dreams which plague me each and every night. Rarely a night goes by there I don't have one, but sometimes I only remember them long enough to roll over and hit snooze. But sometimes they stay with me (if they are that messed up, or that good.)

Others may be aware of my obsession with U2 frontman Bono. You might not know it, but I'm going to be close to that man by hook or by crook when he comes to Buffalo. Not like I'm going to stalk him (not in that sense of the word) but I'll be waiting behind the arena when they arrive here in December. And I want pictures - good pictures! I'm not talking pictures of him through the tinted glass of his card. I'm talking rolled down window, arm sticking out and waving to me pictures. That's my dream! But that is what I HOPE for. My real dream, which already occured, is below.

Dream Portion

So it's December and I'm at the HSBC Arena. It looks nothing like it really does, and the back of it is actually an area with two shorty escalators that aren't neccesary. But I don't care - I just know that there is a big crowd of people standing around someone, and word spreads, it's BONO! I start flipping out and run back to my friends to get my camera. I somehow end up with the camera and a spiral notebook - like the kind I used in high school. By the time I get back the crowd is gone and I see Bono walking away and I yell "Bono!" He kind of turns around and looks at me and I'm all running up to him like a fool waving my spiral bound notebook in his face. He gives me this look like "shit bitch, you is crazy." So I start babbling on and on to him about how I'm so happy to be meeting him and I'm still getting the looks. This can't be happening I tell myself. I can't be meeting him for the first time and he's looking at me like I'm a nut job. But it is. He's writing some crap in my notebook which you know he doesn't mean and I start getting upset. Then it happens. I finally say something to him and he smiles. The trouble is, I don't know what I said. He looks at me and starts laughing, then laughing more, and then he leans in and kisses me. Not like mackin' on me peeps - he's just giving me a peck. And then, get this, he gives my camera to his bodyguard to take a pic. The bodyguard of all people - that is like the highest insult! Mind you there is NO one else around, somehow no one else notices this is going on. So his bodyguard takes our pic and Bono is gushing about how I'm so great to support One.org (of course I'm wearing my bracelet, child please). And I'm like "Oh you are such an inspiration," which right now seems just silly, like I'd ever tell him that.

Please keep in mind that if any of this happened there would be 500 other people there pushing and shoving and I'd be there like this..."uhhhhh uhhhh" and then he'd be like "who brought the mook?" But I digress, that didn't happen yesterday - no siree bob...he was all up in my grill. Just cause it was a dream doesn't mean it'll never happen.

MLK had a dream you know....

Long Weekend Thoughts and Realizations

1. Considered making “Roll that beautiful bean footage” my new catchphrase.

2. Realized I don’t like that bald guy hocking Bush’s beans, nor do I like Bush's beans (or any baked beans for that matter) and decided against it.

3. Called my six lb. cousin “Thunder Thighs.”

4. Called my newly blonde headed (and eye browed) cousin “Albino.”

5. Ran quickly from his mother after she overheard me.

6. Dreamt I was late for Russian and when I finally arrived the teacher told me I was failing the course. Got really worried. Woke up in cold sweat.

7. Smile a big shit eating grin after realizing I was no longer in high school.

8. Started to feel bad for all the kids born in 2000 cause those suckers have to start school in September. Laughed heartily.

9. Decided pedicures are the “crack” of the future.

10. Took a big hit of crack.

11. Realized airlines could make BIG MONEY if they sold Pringles and Personal Pan Pizzas en flight.

12. Emailed the fledgling US Airways with the idea.

13. Ripped out front teeth in attempt to convince the HR department I had scurvy.

14. Told the president of my agency “saying it and doing it are two different things,” a la the Huntington Learning Center Commercial, after he told me he would review a memo.

15. Spread malaria rumors amongst friends who also have several mosquito bites from watching fireworks outdoors.

16. Got fired (see number 14).

17. Shot a man directly between the eyes for making fun of me whilst I ate my salami sub alone at Wegmans.

18. Put the squirt gun back in my purse to conceal the evidence.

Thoughts for Thursday

Taking a page from Casual Friday, I thought I’d share with you a few of the things I did yesterday:

1. Decided that while I do like living in America, I still want to give Janet Jackson’s “Rhythm Nation” a try.

2. Dreamed my teeth were moving closer and closer together and were going askew. Thank heavens, that was just a dream.

3. Contemplated ordering my burrito in Spanish yesterday at Taco Bell, but decided against it as I didn’t know how to say “no beans” in any other language than English.

4. Gave a man a big smile after he sped around me on the right hand side, waved his arms at me as to indicate “why are you so slow,” and got stopped by a red light. The smile indicated “You deserve it you ignorant fuck.”

5. Discovered I am worth $1,717,004 at Human For Sale

6. Made a child cry by refusing to share my Anderson’s Artic Swirl. Laughed.

7. Wondered by so many people like the summer and the warm weather whilst sweating profusely on my way out to the car.

8. Clicked on the “what I’m listening to” button on MSN Messenger. Got many questions about why I was listening to Mariah Carey.

9. Dreamed I was in a bridesmaid in a wedding, and was at the actual ceremony in my dress, without my hair done, and without lipstick on. The wedding was held up while I put the lipstick on in the back of the church – and by the time I reached the front row of pews, it had worn off.

10. Decided I was a fool for selling that “10,000 Dreams Interpreted” book at my parent’s garage sale.