Halloween Tips for All!

Call me old fashioned, but if you are taking your toddler out Tricks and Treating in his/her wagon, please refrain from using the cup holder in said wagon for your Labatt Blue. And if you have to carry that child to the door because they aren't steady on their feet, please put your cigarette out before you pick them up.

Also, I know your dog can't eat chocolate. So don't be dressing them up as a Hot Dog or a Ballerina and carying a bag for them.

Finally, if you are 14, and want to dress as a nerd, the glasses with tape are a perfect touch. The skirt that sits 7 inches above your knees (and about 5 inches below your you know what), is not.

I Still Love Him

Ain't It the Truth??

So It Is...and So It Shall Be

I told myself that this would be the year I'd get myself in order. I'd have it going on. I'd be the girl who had it down. Well it worked, cause I was the only soul waiting in line at Lloyd's Taco Truck with an umbrella. You should have seen those fools, all soaked and having to go back to their desks with wet ass. Chumps.

I Didn't Make it...I'm Just Sharing is All....

Now do I still see a show of hands for those who want Reagan on Mt. Rushmore?

Not My Paul!

Or maybe....

Thanks bluntcard!!!!!!

NOTES FROM THE EDGE OF LIFE

I received this email and was delighted by so many of these I had to share. Specifically, I laughed at the one about Vampires, but then I got mad thinking "don't be talking about Edward that way!" hahahaha

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." Just saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

Actual Email Conversation

I just had this email exchange, word for word. I can't stop laughing.

Them: What is it exactly that Nicole Ritchie does for a living?
Me: Umm...has bastard kids?
Them: So how does she make money?
Me: I don't know, I think she has a clothing line right?
Them: Get out of town, what's it called Little Sluts?

Weekend Fun

Busy weekend. Wedding, Communion and NKOTBSB.

For those of you who aren't 12, or 34 (and who went through the New Kids craze) that's the combined tour of the New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys. I enjoyed every minute of that show, which is a shock cause I really was expecting to know like 5 songs and to sit playing on my phone the rest of the time.

In ANY case, Pamcakes and I hit up the city early before the show to grab some dinner. The wait at Pearl Street was an hour, and there were a gozillion girls in homemade t-shirts hanging around the outside, so we headed to Main Street. And where did our feet take us?

City Grill.

Dun dun dun.

There were no girls in hand crafted, bedazzled cotton shirts out front, so we weren't even sure it was open, and I'll tell you what - that is a damned shame, since it's a nice place and the food was excellent. And the jokes - well the jokes you can make while you are there? They can't be beat. I mean, the best part of the night, besides the concert and the delish chicken sandwich, was the conversation we had as we walked in the door.

Me: What's that smell?
Pam: Death.
Me: Ohhhh...that's low (as I practiced ducking under a table to avoid a stray bullet.)

As you can see by this post, and the fact that I am now a full fledged fan of the Backstreet Boys, we made it through dinner unscatched. So if you are reading this, consider going to City Grill. They could use the business. And then you can wear one of those shirts that says "I survived" with the City Grill logo under it.

Biebs???

Well, for the second time in four months, it's happened again. I got the Bieber Fever. I don't know if it's full fledged "fever," maybe more of a 99.1 degree thing, but still, I'm 34. This is embarrasing. It all started when I took the kids to see Tangled and saw the preview for his new movie. I was like "who is this kid and why are the girls all crazy over him?" But then Baby got stuck in my head. So I kept watching it on Youtube over and over and over again. Like 50 times. Actually I think I only watched it 10 times, the rest I just listened while working on other stuff (aka while on Facebook.) So I finally broke down and downloaded it on Itunes, and put it on a mix CD in my car, but listening in the car just wasn't as fun as listening on my earbuds. I don't know if it was the sound or what, but I fell off. I suspect it was that I was slightly mortified at the thought that blaring the Bieber while driving to work would be the clue that I had the fever, whereas listening on my earbuds no one had to KNOW I was listening to it! So last night Pauline fixed my Itunes which had locked me out for some reason (technology, my best friend, my worst enemy.) So what do I do? I download Never Say Never. Yeah, that's right. Me and Biebs. We never say never. So I listened to that 10 times before bed, got into my car this morning to listen to my new mix CD (made before I downloaded Never Say Never), and of course put Baby back on. When will this madness stop? I don't know, but I suspect the shitty rap by Jaden Smith in the middle of Never Say Never will be what makes me finally stop listening. Jaden. I know your daddy is a famous "rapper" and your momma is beautiful and your sister feels the need to whip her hair back and forth, but could you go finish your schooling and get into a normal career? Like can't you be a plumber or an attorney or something? And take your sister with you. I don't need any more Smiths in my life. I made that determination after Anna Nicole passed.

Did My Dad Get a New Car??

I had to get a pic of this. Actually I didn't have my phone, so my friend had to get a pic of this. It was parked at work.


I'm guessing the driver put it there so you don't mess with them if you ever have the bad luck of rear ending him/her. If I was ever in such a pickle I don't know what I would do - drive off before they knew what hit them, or call 911?

Now those who knows me, know I'm pretty open. I'm respectful of people's beliefs, I can have a discussion about politics or religion, and traditionally I remain calm if people are on different sides. And normally I get a kick out of people who have bumper stickers like this. My father has one that says "The 2nd Amendment Ain't About Duck Hunting." I tried to explain to him that the people who are against guns don't care about his hunting rifle - that they are an issue because so many people have them illegally, but I've learned that arguing with my father is like spinning class. It takes a ton of effort, it's painful, and at the end you are in the same place you started. So I don't do it anymore. But I felt compelled to tell you all that I don't feel threatened by my dad's sticker so much as I do by the one above.

Seriously, now. Seriously? I can only surmise one thing. This truck is driven by a total d-bag. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

STARSHIP

Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now just came up on my Pandora station.

I might as well pack it up and go home, this day really can't get any better.

Buy Me This. PLEASE!!!!!

Imagine how sweet I'd look walking up to my hatchback with this in the front window!

Come On - You Know It's Funny!

Doing My Job For Me

I tried putting my distaste for the Super Bowl Halftime show into words, but couldn't. I just sounded whiney, cause everyone knows I dislike the Black Eyed Peas. WIVB.COM reported that the crowd roared for the BEP. I explained to them (through Facebook) "of course they cheered - they are loaded."

So I look to Us Weekly, who put my thoughts into words: "Clad in Tron-style costumes, Fergie and her band mates will.i.am, apl.de.ap and Taboo shouted their way through a stale 10-minute medley of 2005 hits saved only by Usher leaping over will.i.am's head and landing in a split to perform "OMG." Rocker Slash offered a brief assist with "Sweet Child O' Mine.""

They had a poll too, did you love it, hate it, or skip it. HATED IT is winning with 12,300 votes. And this poll just went up a few hours ago.

I knew I wasn't the only one.

Cheese, Glorious Cheese

So I like cheese. Like really, really like cheese. I'm not some snob about it, I like your basics. Pepperjack, sharp cheddar, sometimes I spice it up with gorgonzola in my lettuce salad, or some fontinella in my pasta salad, but sometimes I hear cheeses on the Food Network and I go "huh?" Tellagio? OK then. Anyway, I was talking to a co-worker and she said her daughter loves cheese. Like LOVES cheese. One time in her school paper she had to fill in the blanks and it went like this:

I like ___

I love ____

I don't like____.

The first two blanks she put "cheese" and the last blank she put "my brother."

In any case - she developed a Cheese Guide for all those who wanted to know the many types of cheese that she enjoys. I felt the need to share it here for all to see, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. I think my favorite is the "swirly cheesestick" cause I love those babies! Although Monster Cheese almost broke me.

Men Are Just Happier People

I didn't write this, but man did I ever enjoy reading it. I try NOT to be like the women they talk about here, but it's so hard not to. I mean, pay for someone's $9 glass of wine? I just can't!

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

EATING OUT

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream , razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAYA married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Cough Cough (Spray Spray)

Well it comes up every winter doesn't it? The sickly co-worker.

I have one who it seems is always, and I mean ALWAYS, sick. I'm not saying she has some sort of deficiency and can't keep away the germs, but at least once every two weeks I'm greeted by a "Hello" that sounds like it's coming from a male vs. a female cause she has some sort of ailment in her throat, chest, whatever.

Now I posed this question last year on Facebook and was shocked by the answers and comments - but here goes again. Should you go in sick? A lot of people commented that they had no choice, that they had no sick time, didn't want to use vacation time cause they had other vacations planned, etc. But my job has a pretty liberal sick time policy - we get enough days - and I know this woman hasn't used her allotment. Wanna know how I know? Cause she's at work EVERY EFFING TIME SHE IS SICK!!!!!!

Do I want her germs? Do I want to get sick? Will it ever go away if you are just passing it back and forth from person to person? I don't want to be unreasonable, but come on already. You aren't doing anyone good straining to talk on the phone and spewing the germs all over your desk and the surrounding area each time you cough. Let's not mention the things you touch in the office that other people then touch and spread around. Oi Vey I can't think of it! And I don't want to sound all high and mighty, but let's get serious. We aren't exactly splitting atoms over here, and we certainly aren't on the cusp of finding a cure for cancer. So I'm thinking if we need a few days to get our sickness out of us, we should take it. If not, then I feel I have my right to bitch. Who's with me???

MUST. STOP. LAUGHING

This is my friend's status update (but I changed the last name you pervs!)

How Toy Story 3 goes down in the Gooding house:

Me: You have too many stuffed animals in your bed.

Angelo (who is 5): Maybe I should give some away. (To his stuffies:) Guys? If I don't pick you to stay with me, don't be sad. I mean, you'll be sad cuz you'll miss me. But then you'll be happy because you have a new owner....Brown dog, are you ...even listening to me?!

The Difference Between Me and Normal People

I just got an email from a friend who told me a story of how she rushed and rushed to finish a baby blanket for a shower for her sister-in-law. I actually saw her knitting the thing out in public on a Monday afternoon, because she needed it for the following Sunday. In my head I was thinking "Oh child, I would have just bought her a boppie pillow and a book," cause that's me. Cause we all know how things go when it comes to me and finishing projects, especially projects that are "crafty."

In any case, she finished, practically giving herself Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in the process. The blanket was finalized at midnight the night before the shower. Fast forward to the actual shower, when the mother-to-be opened her gift, pulled the blanket out, announced "blanket," then continued to go through the box of items to list what was inside. My friend, who is nice, smiled and in her head was like "WTF WTF WTF WTF."

And this is where we get to the difference between me and her.

Cause if that was me who had hauled ass for the past three weeks to get it done, and had stayed up til midnight sewing something, then had to wrap the frigging thing, this is what would have happened.

I would have stood up and yelled "I made that bitches!"

Then I would be like "pass it around slut, I want everyone to see my handywork!"

Cause that's just how I roll.

Now to be fair, if there were elderly people present, I would have just said "I made that." But I sure as hell would have been like "pass it around, everyone gets a feel!"

Good thing we know this will never happen, because I took knitting, but it never took to me. And we all know what happens when I try to latch hook things. Six years later those things go in the trash. Don't even get me started on needlepoint...

LeTuesday

My quest from LeMonday has turned into one for LeTuesday. I am searching for a LeBag! My cousin Elaine has one that she said I could have, but I need another one for a friend. Together, we are planning total world domination. Well really, we just want to carry them around. Perhaps we'll bring them "back" and by this time next year everyone will want to have one. In that case, the makers/owners of LeBag better give us LeProfit Sharing.

So you got one of these laying around? Contact me!

Happy New Year!

One of my goals (resolutions as they call them) for 2011 is to write on this Blog more. I have really been slacking. I think because most of the stuff goes on Facebook, but why not write a little bit more here and just put these links on Facebook I say? Who's with me?

In any case, not much has gone on in the new year, on accounta it just started on Saturday and it's only Monday, but I did just get an email from Paul which made me crack up laughing.

The kids and I listen to the songs from Glee ALL the time. The only reason they know the song Bohemian Rhapsody is because Vocal Adreneline sang it at Regionals and I loved it so much that I had to download it immediately. We listened to it all summer in the car, along with New Direction's Regionals version of Don't Stop Believin', although the kids had the regular version wrapped. Now that I don't take the kids to school in the morning, they are in my car a lot less, hence, the email from Paul, which read:

"Jessica and I were rockin' some Journey on the way to school this morning and she makes this disgusted sigh and says, 'this version is awful. He doesn't even get all the words right.'"

That's my girl!!!!!

What is funny is that I did the same thing. After listening to the Glee kids sing Don't Stop Believin' for so long, when I went back and listened to the Journey version I felt let down.

The moral of this story for January 2nd?

Nurture over nature my friends.

Nurture over nature.