You Used Up All of the Glue, On Purpose!

Notafinga!

The Old Man from A Christmas Story has died. (Special thanks to Kevin for pointing this out. I was still wrapped up in Mr. Ferley's passing.)

What I find really funny about A Christmas Story is that he's even listed as "The Old Man" in the credits. Hilarious! Here are some of my favorite quotes, which of course were copied and pasted from IMDB cause I can't type all that stuff up!

Sons of bitches! Bumpuses!

Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian.

Alright, I'll get that kid to eat. Where's my screw driver and my plumber's helper? I'll open up his mouth and I'll shove it in.

It's a Major Award!

[Admiring his "major award"]: It's... it's... it's indescribably beautiful! It reminds me of the Fourth of July!

Of course there are more, but I hate to overload you with too much in one day. I save that for Fridays, when the Survivor Update comes out.

Speaking of which, no one has commented on the updates. You are all so fickle!

I Love Google!

Hey everyone! Someone pointed this out to me today (lord knows I would never have found it on my own.)

Do a Google search for the date "March 20th," and see what comes up.

It's all good people, it's all good. I mean, it's not Talk Like a Pirate Day, but it's still very funny!!!!!!!

The Lotto

I just read that the winners of the $365 million Powerball Jackpot came forward and it was eight workers at a ham factory in Nebraska. Now how cool is that? You chip in on a ticket and actually win against the odds? I just think it's so cool, cause now instead of giving a shitload of money to just one person, a whole GROUP of people are going to have a better life. Except for the one from the Congo. How did he get to stay over here dude...I can't get a Canadian into the US but you can come here from the Congo? OK Just kidding....

Anyway, I was supposed to win the MegaMillions again last night but something must have gone awry cause today on my way to work I saw that the jackpot went up to $205 million or something and according to my calculations I was supposed to win $165 million or something on accounta I have been so nice and friendly to everyone at work lately. Maybe the Lord can see that it's just a ruse, that I'm being nice but behind some people's backs I'm like 'Man, they need to learn to park their car, don't they know what those yellow lines are for?' But it's true dude, the parking lot looked like a war zone this morning, cars everywhere. I'm surprised the Peace Garden out back was intact, I think some of these people just pull into the lot with their eyes shut.

So anyway, the five bucks I spent on lotto tickets the other day was for not, but I am going to get more if I remember. Sometimes I forget things, and then when someone from Queens wins the jackpot I get mad. But I can't complain unless I have a ticket, which is exactly what happened last time. I got a nice ticket, and someone from Queens won. Queens! Why are all the lotto winners from Queens?? Does Yolanda Vega have some relatives down there or somethin'??

Did I tell you all that I got my haircut finally? Well I did, and it was long overdue thank you very much. One thing though. When I came to work on Tuesday people were like "Oh I like your hair" or "Your hair looks different, did you get it cut, I like it," and such. But this one person, who shall remain nameless, said, and I quote "what did you do to your hair," almost like I had dyed it pink, cut it into a mohawk and then fogot to comb it. I was thinking I had something in it. So I told her "I combed it, what did you do to YOUR hair" (cause her hair is all stiff and shit) and then bounced a quarter on it and it shot back and hit me in the eye.

And that my friends is why I'll never win the lotto....

OK I'm kidding, I didn't do that, I just mumbled that I got it cut and colored and walked away like the fool. I'll get mine one day though, don't you worry!

Every Morning

This is how I feel every morning at about 9:05.

Use Your Booty Like a Magic Wand

Wave it around - wave it around.

I thought in honor of this Happy Valentine's Day we could all have a laugh with the

Pre-date Confidence Builder

Some of these are better than others, but I laughed at almost all of them. I esp. love when he says "Where are you? Oh, you just turned on your side!"

We Like to Party We Like We Like to Party

You thought this posting was gonna be about a party didn't you? Well it's not, but that song was going through my head and I had to write it to get it out. You know the song, we like, we like to party. And then the girl sings and you can't really understand what she's saying, but it's something like "the something something's jumping, the something something's pumping, New York to San Franciso, and inter city disco." Yeah, that's what I'm talking about!

Anyway, I'm here to report a clean sweep by U2 last night at the Grammy's. Just as I predicted. They are the "golden boys" of rock right now - they can't do anything wrong. Boy I bet they didn't expect this when they put out Pop and everyone boo'ed and everyone laughed. Well ya know what? They all laughed at Christopher Columbus when he said the world was round. Well Ho Ho Ho, who has the last laugh now? And Eric Clapton, who beat them in 1992 for Album of the Year, well what is he doing? Yeah, he's in Cream. And you know who goes to see them? OLD people!

OK that wasn't very nice. But I don't know any young-in's who go to see Cream. Do you? Besides, their tickets are priced for Old People. Hahahaha!

Back to the Grammy's - I thought they were way too long. It was past 11 and I was waiting up to see if U2 would win Album of the Year and they kept bringing people out to talk, more singers, more performers. Then they had Queen Latifah talk about Richard Pryor cause they had this "In Memorium" section and they showed all the people in music who died last year. And then at the very end they had this picture of Richard Pryor and I thought in my head "did he release some music I didn't know about?" Why would they have that there? In any case, they finally cut through the crap and presented the award, which U2 won, but then they were accepting their award and I believe someone else was going to speak after the Edge and they turned the cameras off them and went to some dude talking about Hurrican Katrina. Dissed! Dissed by the Grammy's! I wonder if Bono will try to coerce them into making a donation to debt relief in Africa to make up for this injustice! (HAHAH)

So no one has told me who they would want to be with if they could only take one person on the deserted island. What gives people? Are you not visiting Dude, WTF because of the infrequent posts? I'm trying to do better, honest I am! Give it up peeps, give it up!

George-ism for the Day Part II

My friend Lisa sent me George Carlin's New Rules for 2006. I'm not even sure these are originally from George Carlin, but I had to share this one because you KNOW I agree with it!

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

However - I have to share this one with you too, because I laughed so hard I almost spit my coffee (not from Starbucks) out, because it's TRUE! He's not cheese!

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.

Island Trivia

OK - if you were stranded on a desert island, and there could only be one other person with you, who would you want it to be? And don't be naming some supermodel, cause you can only do that for so long, then you have to actually talk to that person for as long as you both live!

I know who I would take, but I'm not telling until some other peeps do first!

PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME

PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME - PEANUT BUTTER JELLY AND A BASEBALL BAT!!!!!!