ESCAPE!!

The animal (crackers) are on the loose!

Someone call whatever government agency you call when animals go wild.

Oh and Polly owes me $1 for dropping those babies all over the place! HAHAHAH

President's Day??

I just received this email from my cousin when I inquired about some travel dates for the upcoming new year.

I'm still laughing.

"What are the dates of both? And there's a President's day? When did that happen!?"

Ultimate Wedding Playlist

Two weeks ago a friend and I were discussing wedding songs. He noted that he liked my choice of song for my wedding to Paul - "Golddigger." Discussion ensued on that topic, and we decided to create the Ultimate Wedding Playlist - the songs that you won't hear at a wedding, but you'd piss your pants if you did. Here is the start. Do you have any suggestions for additions??? Please leave them in the comment section, or hit me up with an email (Lori1130@gmail.com)

Ultimate Wedding Playlist

(Drafted Dec. 2010, to be finalized Jan 2011)

1. Another One Bites the Dust - Queen
2. Highway to Hell – AC/DC
3. Girl, You’ll be a Woman Soon – Neil Diamond
4. Golddigger – Kanye West
5. Do Me! – Bel Biv Devoe
6. Fuck You – CeeLo Green

DISLIKE

Add "too lucky for one damned person" to my list of reasons to dislike Oprah Winfrey....

A Winter Statistic (Reminder)

I know I've posted this before (not sure when) but I wanted to remind everyone.

98% OF AMERICAN'S SAY "OH SHIT" BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM BUFFALO AND THEY SAY, "HOLD MY DRINK AND WATCH THIS."

Holiday Rules, According to Me

So my ladies and I are trying to schedule our annual Christmas Cookie Exchange for one of the weekends in December. I mean seriously, you can't have a Christmas Cookie Exchange in November or AFTER Christmas for crying out loud! So my friend JM has a pub crawl on December 11 so she can't do the exchange that day. A pub crawl! For crying out loud! So I decided to write her back and tell her my holiday rules. I feel if I share them, everyones lives will be easier. Here we go:

There are three weekends in December before Christmas and everyone knows that those weekends are reserved for Christmas-like activities including, but not limited to:

• Tree Cutting
• Tree Trimming
• House decorating
• Shopping
• Driving to the shopping centers (this counts as a separate event than shopping as it takes so long)
• Wrapping
• Holiday parties
• Holiday open houses
• Cookie Exchanges
• Jamming food into your mouth. This food should contain copious amounts of gravy and or icing.

I feel this list is pretty all encompassing, however, if you think I missed any Holiday items, please email me and I will take it under advisement. A note: a "Holiday Themed Pub Crawl" doesn't count unless you are being ridden from pub to pub in a sleigh which is drawn by reindeer. And has a jolly fat man at the helm riding you from pub to pub.

TEE HEE HEE HEE

Of course this took me a minute...I counted the fish, I looked at the drain. And then I peed laughing.

I KNOW WHAT EVERYONE IS GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!

I STILL LOVE YOU BONO

BUT I LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH EACH TIME I SEE THIS PIC

I NEED THESE

I know the difference between a need and a want, and we NEED these for our next bonfire!!!!

No Title Could Do This Justice

I just received the following email from my friend Jane. I had to read it twice. Then I sat back in my chair and just laughed and laughed.

I just completed the 99 bomb minesweeper! It only took me 2282 tries! See kids, you don't give up. You pursue the dream until it is yours! I would like to thank God, Dell and my parents for without them I would be nothing.
Peace, love & always reach for the stars,
MLCoolJ

Side note: I have only completed that level twice, but I have no idea how many tries it took. I wonder if she really does or if she just pulled that out of her rear. But I love her Randy Jackson words of wisdom about not giving up. The girl slays me. SLAYS ME!

Summer Summer Summertime (TV SUCKS)

I gotta say something. Summer TV sucks. I know that the TV execs think that people are outside galyvanting at 9 p.m. cause it's the Summer Summer Summertime (sing this to the Fresh Prince song). But guess what? The sun is pretty much in by 9, my kids go to bed at 9:30 and I'm ready for some TV. And there ain't no TV! We got the Deadliest Catch, which I could care less about, we got Project Runway, which I don't watch (I know, shoot me), we got The Next Design Star (come on, like anyone watches that) and we got Kathy Griffin's Life on the D-List, which has gotten shittay over the past few years (sorry Kathy, I love you but it's true). Sure there are a few shows I watch. Food Network throws me a bone with an entertaining hour of "Next Food Network Star" every Sunday, and I get my eye candy fill each Tuesday night at 9 p.m. when Michael Vartan graces the screen in Hawthorne, but I gotta put up with some crap between those episodes, which are only once a week. Of course they do have True Blood, but do I have HBO? NOOOO. And Weeds is coming back soon, but do I have Showtime? NOOOO. Cause the 100 bucks a month for cable only includes one "upgrade" - which is some racing network that my man watches. Racing? What are you from North Carolina, Pauline???

In any case, you would think that in the 400 channels, I'd find something I could watch. But do you really need some of those channels? Seriously, I like Game Shows, but does anyone need to see the Richard Dawson years? Hello Creepster, don't make out with the young ladies on the show. And Lifetime, I can't deal with any more movies staring Melissa Gilbert entitled "Someone shot my dog and stole my baby, and I want them back really, really bad!"

In short, I beg of you TV Execs out there, you know, all the TV Execs who read my blog, can't you just make the TV seasons longer so that I can watch my normal shows in the summer? I got the DVR, don't we all? I know some nights I might be at the Fantasy Island, catching the last of the rays in the lazy river, but I'll be home by 9:20, and I can catch up. I promise! I know some of the stars in Hollywood are spoiled and don't want to film more than 24 episodes, but I hear there are a LOT of unemployed actors in California, so just replace them! Let's get some of them in who will work more than 24 weeks out of the year (don't even argue with me that they work more than that, you know they don't unless they are doing extra movies! Lies, Lies!)

That is all.

My Kids??

Fun stuff from Walmart! We were in the parking lot, which I also refer to as "the Jungle" and I saw a man trying to get by us who seemed to be saying with his eyes "I'm getting by here whether you move or not." So I told the kids "walk single file, like Sand People." To which Jessica responded, "what are Sand People?"

What are Sand People? What are SAND PEOPLE? I asked Paul if he was sure she was his. Then Duncan chimes in "Are they the little ones or the big ones?" He then proceeds to tell his sister that Sand People are from Star Wars and having glowing yellow eyes and brown hoods over their heads. Again I looked at Paul with the "you're 100 percent sure??" They BOTH got a stern lecture on the way home, and Duncan was loudly informed that the creatures he was referring to were Jawas, NOT Sand People, and that he obviously was not paying enough attention when watching his Star Wars movie. Both children were made to sleep in the garage as punishment.

OK not really, but don't think I didn't think it! What are Sand People. Child, please, Allans aren't allowed to use those words! What's next - not knowing who we are talking about when we say "Cinnamon Bun Hair???"

Financial Kitten

My kitty was up on the dining room table the other day. Now frequent readers of my blog might now that this is a BIG event. Caramel is a corpulent kitty, so her getting on the couch or the coffee table takes effort. I have NO clue how she got on the dining room table. But on the dining room table, you'll find two huge binders of PRSA "finance-y" stuff, cause I'm the treasurer. The computer desk isn't big enough to house the binders, so they are on the Dining Room table almost permanently, unless we have people over. Paul sent me the picture below, taken when he got home from work on Thursday. He let me know that Caramel was taking care of the PRSA books. To that I said "Amen" because the checking account needs balancing. God Bless my Financial Kitten!

There Are No Words

I don't have many words for this video. Except for what I told my friend Pam after viewing it, as she is the one who sent it to me.

"Holy Effing Schmoley."

It makes me want to do daily stretching exercises to become more limber. But that's like work.

Click here (Video with Crazy Ladies) - and give it about a minute. You have to sit through a delightful song about Solid Potato Salad. Or you can skip the song once it loads, but why wouldn't you want to hear about Solid Potato Salad?

Yeah, I could do it. No prob! Whateva!!!! Except the part with that apple - that's just insanity.

Ohh Tee Nee

Love IS a Battlefield

You know how we know that Jordin Sparks? Cause Pat Benetar wrote a song about it close to 30 years ago. Now you come along with your Battlefield song, all singing with your weirdness and making me think "What the hell did she just say?" Why just yesterday I realized you weren't saying "gitcha rama." You were saying "get your armor." I GET IT! For the Battle. On the Battlefield. But you didn't have to tell me 4,500 times, once or twice would suffice. Instead, you told me to get my armor so many times I started to think about the word armor, so long that I started to doubt it was even a word. Then I started to think "good god, who wears armor anymore?" Kevlar vests - that's where it's at. Then I started to think about who wrote that shitty song. Couldn't they come up with something else to say? I mean, Pat never told me 4,500 times "we are young." She said it a few times, and I got the gist. I'm not dumb, dude. Don't be acting like I am just cause of "gitcha rama." For all I know, Webster added "githcha rama" to the Dictionary when I wasn't looking.

Man, Babies are SO LUCKY!

Happy Easter!

I Have Some Dreams

Lately I've been thinking about my "list" - things I want to do before I die. Actually these are more of things I want to do sooner than later - I don't want to be like "I'm dying, better get these off the list." Please note these aren't in any particular order.

1. Get on the Wheel of Fortune. Damn, I love that show. I set it to tape every night, and zip through it in 10 minutes, who needs to hear about the contestants cats and kids? I said it before and I'll say it again. I don't know much, but I know if I could get on that show, I'd rock that shit out of the water. Unless the wheel effs me. That happens sometimes. Someone will have built up their money to 5,000 and bankrupt. Then their next spin, Lose a Turn. That Wheel is a fickle, fickle bitch.

2. Go to Italy. I don't know why, but I have no desire to see France, Germany, Spain or Portugal. I just want to get to Italy. I think it has to do with me seeing the movie Gladiator and realizing just how old the Colliseum is and thinking "that is amazing." I know France has old stuff. I just don't care. I get the impression they don't really like us Americans over in France, anyone else get that impression? I wonder how the Italians feel? I bet they don't care, as long as we bathe.

3. Meet Bono. I think of all the band members, he'd be the easiest to talk to. I could see waiting out for Larry, and having him walk by me with his nose in the air. Or having Adam driving into a venue and just staring at a girl with big jugs while I'm standing there with my camera thinking 'Oh maybe the car will stop.' Yeah, it'll stop alright. To pick up the girl with the big jugs.

4. Get a fireplace. It won't be real, because well that's just crazy talk. I'm not moving anytime soon, I just want one of those fireplaces that you buy and just set up against the wall and plug in, you know, they throw the heat? Then I want a big TV to go over it. And to get rid of my entertainment center. But where will my candles go then? Maybe I need to rethink this item on the list.

Well - that's about it. I don't think these are outlandish, although I'm not sure they'll ever happen. I'm running out of money to chase Bono around ya know....

I Love This Show