Leap Day? More like Eat Day!

Fantastic start to my Leap Day. 

Had my first ever mammogram.  It was quick, it was painless, and Windsong Radiology had bowls of Hershey Kisses everywhere I turned.  Fantastico!  Best of all -everything AOK, I don't have to go back for five years.  Holla boo boo honey child.

Next up, a delicious breakfast sandwich with sausage, egg and cheese on a COSTANZO'S roll.  Delicioso! I ate 3/4 of it before I threw in the proverbial towel. 

Fast forward an hour when a meeting broke and trays and trays of Paula's Donuts were leftover.  Booyaa!  I took a 1/2 and ate about 2/3.  Superb! (I'd throw in another foreign word here but I used them all up on my explanations above.) 

Moments later Buffalo Bills Linebacker Arthur Moats comes through the building to thank staff for our support of the United Way.  I stopped him for a photo and he was happy to oblidge.  Best of all? No dinosaurs busted out of the foliage behind us to snap at our heads!

Here's where the day goes downhill. 

I made some toast in the cafeteria (only $0.65 for two huge slices of rye) and I got fancy (lazy) and put them in the long way, causing them to get stuck in the rolly toaster, thereby almost burning down the joint. 

Next up, I learn Davey Jones died.  I was just listening to those crazy Monkees the other day.  66?  That's too young to go.  Unless you're a musician I don't like (Henry Rollins, I'm talking to you.)

I soothe my soul with some Hershey's Bliss (since I didn't have any Kisses at the Windsong, I have SOME rules about candy!)  I have a handful of animal crackers.  Nothing will ease the pain of this loss.

Fast forward to 3 p.m. where I get the shakes becuase the only protein I've gotten the entire day was in the breakfast sandwich I ate 7 hours earlier which was followed only by complex carbohydrates.  I ate 1/2 of a protein brownie.  I felt better.  I realized I had many hours before the end of this day which started at 6:10 a.m. (I usually sleep until 6:55.)  I kept it together - you know for the kids (or because crying mid-day at your desk cause you went to bed too late the night before is kind of frowned upon.)

I have to go now.  I'm sure somewhere out there is something I haven't eaten yet (piece of pizza fallen on the floor, half eaten bologna sandwich in a trash can.)

They Deliver

Thanks, Jeff!

I love you, Ina!!!!

Ina, you know I love you - but you can't deny this is true. Each time you cook you tell us how easy things are. But you know this is what you're really thinking!!

Yay Buffalo News

The comics are a serious business in my house. The wee ones were fighting over it. J won.

RIP Whitney

I just watched Whitney Houston's version of the Star Spangled Banner from Super Bowl XXV. Not only did I get chills watching it, I became so engrossed it was like I was I'm a different world. Jessica asked me 'mommy, can I have this muffin,' and I said 'yeah yeah.' Duncan busts over and asks me something, I mumble a yes and go back to my video. The kid could have asked me 'could I take your car out for a joyride!' and I'd be all 'sure thing and take your sister' cause I gotta see Whitney in her glory days, the best there is!! Good times people. Except for that whole war and the Bills losing the game by 1 point thing...

Side note - the New Kids on the Block were the Halftime Performers at this Super Bowl. How come I didn't remember that??

Me and Kitty on a Saturday Morning

Even she can't figure out why the kids woke up so damn early!!

It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World

Actual conversation from this morning.

Me: You have 2 kids, 4 dogs and a job - how can you watch all these movies?
Heather: Actually I have 11 dogs right now.
Me: That shit ain't right.

A Bunch of Skinny Kids, With Glasses

Well here I am - ready to start blogging and I got no topics, NO TOPICS (say this like Jerry, when he was with NO SLEEP after spending the night at Kramer's apartment.) Someone nicely suggested I write about riding my bike without glasses. Well that's just crazy talk. I can barely make it to the bathroom without my glasses. But my kid can! Wanna know how I know that? Because just yesterday the call came in from Paul at 7:45 a.m. "Can you bring Jessica's glasses to her at school?" Of course I can, I'm the mother! But the real question is, how the hell did she get all the way to school without the things?

Here is me every morning. Alarm goes off. Snooze. Goes off again. Snooze. I can't REALLY tell what time it is because I don't have my glasses on, so I squint and try and see the last number. If it's an 8 or 9, I'm hosed, that means time is running out. I cannot tell you the number of times I've gotten up, reached for my glasses and had them fall either on the ground or in one of the drawers which I keep open in my dresser, because they won't close, because clothes are hanging out. But that's niether here nor there. The main issue is that they are no longer WHERE I LEFT THEM. Well normal people just reach down because they can partially see what's going on. Not THIS girl. This girl is like "oh fudge..." Here's where the fun starts. I call whichever person is the closest.

"Oh Duncan (or Jessica or Paul) - can you help me get my glasses."

I can just tell they are giving me the "look" which says "how lazy are you woman - get your own glasses," but then I explain they are MIA. Well they of course THEY can find them right away. Stupid kids and Paul with their stupid good eyesight!

But I digress - and the question remains. How did Jessica get up, get dressed, brush her hair, brush her teeth, pack her bag and get out the door without her glasses? When I dropped the glasses off to her at school I told that silly goose that if I didn't have my glasses I'd end up wearing daddy's pants to work. She just looked at me like I farted and went off to play with her friends.

So I ask you. Did glasses become cool when I wasn't looking? Because for me, they totally ruin all my trips to water parks.

Side note: when I dropped off the glasses there were about 20 kids being watched by 3 ladies who were sitting at a cafeteria table drinking coffee. I think I'm overpaying for those services. End Note.

Halloween Tips for All!

Call me old fashioned, but if you are taking your toddler out Tricks and Treating in his/her wagon, please refrain from using the cup holder in said wagon for your Labatt Blue. And if you have to carry that child to the door because they aren't steady on their feet, please put your cigarette out before you pick them up.

Also, I know your dog can't eat chocolate. So don't be dressing them up as a Hot Dog or a Ballerina and carying a bag for them.

Finally, if you are 14, and want to dress as a nerd, the glasses with tape are a perfect touch. The skirt that sits 7 inches above your knees (and about 5 inches below your you know what), is not.

I Still Love Him

Ain't It the Truth??

So It Is...and So It Shall Be

I told myself that this would be the year I'd get myself in order. I'd have it going on. I'd be the girl who had it down. Well it worked, cause I was the only soul waiting in line at Lloyd's Taco Truck with an umbrella. You should have seen those fools, all soaked and having to go back to their desks with wet ass. Chumps.

I Didn't Make it...I'm Just Sharing is All....

Now do I still see a show of hands for those who want Reagan on Mt. Rushmore?

Not My Paul!

Or maybe....

Thanks bluntcard!!!!!!

NOTES FROM THE EDGE OF LIFE

I received this email and was delighted by so many of these I had to share. Specifically, I laughed at the one about Vampires, but then I got mad thinking "don't be talking about Edward that way!" hahahaha

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." Just saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

Actual Email Conversation

I just had this email exchange, word for word. I can't stop laughing.

Them: What is it exactly that Nicole Ritchie does for a living?
Me: Umm...has bastard kids?
Them: So how does she make money?
Me: I don't know, I think she has a clothing line right?
Them: Get out of town, what's it called Little Sluts?

Weekend Fun

Busy weekend. Wedding, Communion and NKOTBSB.

For those of you who aren't 12, or 34 (and who went through the New Kids craze) that's the combined tour of the New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys. I enjoyed every minute of that show, which is a shock cause I really was expecting to know like 5 songs and to sit playing on my phone the rest of the time.

In ANY case, Pamcakes and I hit up the city early before the show to grab some dinner. The wait at Pearl Street was an hour, and there were a gozillion girls in homemade t-shirts hanging around the outside, so we headed to Main Street. And where did our feet take us?

City Grill.

Dun dun dun.

There were no girls in hand crafted, bedazzled cotton shirts out front, so we weren't even sure it was open, and I'll tell you what - that is a damned shame, since it's a nice place and the food was excellent. And the jokes - well the jokes you can make while you are there? They can't be beat. I mean, the best part of the night, besides the concert and the delish chicken sandwich, was the conversation we had as we walked in the door.

Me: What's that smell?
Pam: Death.
Me: Ohhhh...that's low (as I practiced ducking under a table to avoid a stray bullet.)

As you can see by this post, and the fact that I am now a full fledged fan of the Backstreet Boys, we made it through dinner unscatched. So if you are reading this, consider going to City Grill. They could use the business. And then you can wear one of those shirts that says "I survived" with the City Grill logo under it.

Biebs???

Well, for the second time in four months, it's happened again. I got the Bieber Fever. I don't know if it's full fledged "fever," maybe more of a 99.1 degree thing, but still, I'm 34. This is embarrasing. It all started when I took the kids to see Tangled and saw the preview for his new movie. I was like "who is this kid and why are the girls all crazy over him?" But then Baby got stuck in my head. So I kept watching it on Youtube over and over and over again. Like 50 times. Actually I think I only watched it 10 times, the rest I just listened while working on other stuff (aka while on Facebook.) So I finally broke down and downloaded it on Itunes, and put it on a mix CD in my car, but listening in the car just wasn't as fun as listening on my earbuds. I don't know if it was the sound or what, but I fell off. I suspect it was that I was slightly mortified at the thought that blaring the Bieber while driving to work would be the clue that I had the fever, whereas listening on my earbuds no one had to KNOW I was listening to it! So last night Pauline fixed my Itunes which had locked me out for some reason (technology, my best friend, my worst enemy.) So what do I do? I download Never Say Never. Yeah, that's right. Me and Biebs. We never say never. So I listened to that 10 times before bed, got into my car this morning to listen to my new mix CD (made before I downloaded Never Say Never), and of course put Baby back on. When will this madness stop? I don't know, but I suspect the shitty rap by Jaden Smith in the middle of Never Say Never will be what makes me finally stop listening. Jaden. I know your daddy is a famous "rapper" and your momma is beautiful and your sister feels the need to whip her hair back and forth, but could you go finish your schooling and get into a normal career? Like can't you be a plumber or an attorney or something? And take your sister with you. I don't need any more Smiths in my life. I made that determination after Anna Nicole passed.

Did My Dad Get a New Car??

I had to get a pic of this. Actually I didn't have my phone, so my friend had to get a pic of this. It was parked at work.


I'm guessing the driver put it there so you don't mess with them if you ever have the bad luck of rear ending him/her. If I was ever in such a pickle I don't know what I would do - drive off before they knew what hit them, or call 911?

Now those who knows me, know I'm pretty open. I'm respectful of people's beliefs, I can have a discussion about politics or religion, and traditionally I remain calm if people are on different sides. And normally I get a kick out of people who have bumper stickers like this. My father has one that says "The 2nd Amendment Ain't About Duck Hunting." I tried to explain to him that the people who are against guns don't care about his hunting rifle - that they are an issue because so many people have them illegally, but I've learned that arguing with my father is like spinning class. It takes a ton of effort, it's painful, and at the end you are in the same place you started. So I don't do it anymore. But I felt compelled to tell you all that I don't feel threatened by my dad's sticker so much as I do by the one above.

Seriously, now. Seriously? I can only surmise one thing. This truck is driven by a total d-bag. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

STARSHIP

Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now just came up on my Pandora station.

I might as well pack it up and go home, this day really can't get any better.