TEE HEE HEE HEE

Of course this took me a minute...I counted the fish, I looked at the drain. And then I peed laughing.

I KNOW WHAT EVERYONE IS GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!

I STILL LOVE YOU BONO

BUT I LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH EACH TIME I SEE THIS PIC

I NEED THESE

I know the difference between a need and a want, and we NEED these for our next bonfire!!!!

No Title Could Do This Justice

I just received the following email from my friend Jane. I had to read it twice. Then I sat back in my chair and just laughed and laughed.

I just completed the 99 bomb minesweeper! It only took me 2282 tries! See kids, you don't give up. You pursue the dream until it is yours! I would like to thank God, Dell and my parents for without them I would be nothing.
Peace, love & always reach for the stars,
MLCoolJ

Side note: I have only completed that level twice, but I have no idea how many tries it took. I wonder if she really does or if she just pulled that out of her rear. But I love her Randy Jackson words of wisdom about not giving up. The girl slays me. SLAYS ME!

Summer Summer Summertime (TV SUCKS)

I gotta say something. Summer TV sucks. I know that the TV execs think that people are outside galyvanting at 9 p.m. cause it's the Summer Summer Summertime (sing this to the Fresh Prince song). But guess what? The sun is pretty much in by 9, my kids go to bed at 9:30 and I'm ready for some TV. And there ain't no TV! We got the Deadliest Catch, which I could care less about, we got Project Runway, which I don't watch (I know, shoot me), we got The Next Design Star (come on, like anyone watches that) and we got Kathy Griffin's Life on the D-List, which has gotten shittay over the past few years (sorry Kathy, I love you but it's true). Sure there are a few shows I watch. Food Network throws me a bone with an entertaining hour of "Next Food Network Star" every Sunday, and I get my eye candy fill each Tuesday night at 9 p.m. when Michael Vartan graces the screen in Hawthorne, but I gotta put up with some crap between those episodes, which are only once a week. Of course they do have True Blood, but do I have HBO? NOOOO. And Weeds is coming back soon, but do I have Showtime? NOOOO. Cause the 100 bucks a month for cable only includes one "upgrade" - which is some racing network that my man watches. Racing? What are you from North Carolina, Pauline???

In any case, you would think that in the 400 channels, I'd find something I could watch. But do you really need some of those channels? Seriously, I like Game Shows, but does anyone need to see the Richard Dawson years? Hello Creepster, don't make out with the young ladies on the show. And Lifetime, I can't deal with any more movies staring Melissa Gilbert entitled "Someone shot my dog and stole my baby, and I want them back really, really bad!"

In short, I beg of you TV Execs out there, you know, all the TV Execs who read my blog, can't you just make the TV seasons longer so that I can watch my normal shows in the summer? I got the DVR, don't we all? I know some nights I might be at the Fantasy Island, catching the last of the rays in the lazy river, but I'll be home by 9:20, and I can catch up. I promise! I know some of the stars in Hollywood are spoiled and don't want to film more than 24 episodes, but I hear there are a LOT of unemployed actors in California, so just replace them! Let's get some of them in who will work more than 24 weeks out of the year (don't even argue with me that they work more than that, you know they don't unless they are doing extra movies! Lies, Lies!)

That is all.

My Kids??

Fun stuff from Walmart! We were in the parking lot, which I also refer to as "the Jungle" and I saw a man trying to get by us who seemed to be saying with his eyes "I'm getting by here whether you move or not." So I told the kids "walk single file, like Sand People." To which Jessica responded, "what are Sand People?"

What are Sand People? What are SAND PEOPLE? I asked Paul if he was sure she was his. Then Duncan chimes in "Are they the little ones or the big ones?" He then proceeds to tell his sister that Sand People are from Star Wars and having glowing yellow eyes and brown hoods over their heads. Again I looked at Paul with the "you're 100 percent sure??" They BOTH got a stern lecture on the way home, and Duncan was loudly informed that the creatures he was referring to were Jawas, NOT Sand People, and that he obviously was not paying enough attention when watching his Star Wars movie. Both children were made to sleep in the garage as punishment.

OK not really, but don't think I didn't think it! What are Sand People. Child, please, Allans aren't allowed to use those words! What's next - not knowing who we are talking about when we say "Cinnamon Bun Hair???"

Financial Kitten

My kitty was up on the dining room table the other day. Now frequent readers of my blog might now that this is a BIG event. Caramel is a corpulent kitty, so her getting on the couch or the coffee table takes effort. I have NO clue how she got on the dining room table. But on the dining room table, you'll find two huge binders of PRSA "finance-y" stuff, cause I'm the treasurer. The computer desk isn't big enough to house the binders, so they are on the Dining Room table almost permanently, unless we have people over. Paul sent me the picture below, taken when he got home from work on Thursday. He let me know that Caramel was taking care of the PRSA books. To that I said "Amen" because the checking account needs balancing. God Bless my Financial Kitten!

There Are No Words

I don't have many words for this video. Except for what I told my friend Pam after viewing it, as she is the one who sent it to me.

"Holy Effing Schmoley."

It makes me want to do daily stretching exercises to become more limber. But that's like work.

Click here (Video with Crazy Ladies) - and give it about a minute. You have to sit through a delightful song about Solid Potato Salad. Or you can skip the song once it loads, but why wouldn't you want to hear about Solid Potato Salad?

Yeah, I could do it. No prob! Whateva!!!! Except the part with that apple - that's just insanity.

Ohh Tee Nee

Love IS a Battlefield

You know how we know that Jordin Sparks? Cause Pat Benetar wrote a song about it close to 30 years ago. Now you come along with your Battlefield song, all singing with your weirdness and making me think "What the hell did she just say?" Why just yesterday I realized you weren't saying "gitcha rama." You were saying "get your armor." I GET IT! For the Battle. On the Battlefield. But you didn't have to tell me 4,500 times, once or twice would suffice. Instead, you told me to get my armor so many times I started to think about the word armor, so long that I started to doubt it was even a word. Then I started to think "good god, who wears armor anymore?" Kevlar vests - that's where it's at. Then I started to think about who wrote that shitty song. Couldn't they come up with something else to say? I mean, Pat never told me 4,500 times "we are young." She said it a few times, and I got the gist. I'm not dumb, dude. Don't be acting like I am just cause of "gitcha rama." For all I know, Webster added "githcha rama" to the Dictionary when I wasn't looking.

Man, Babies are SO LUCKY!

Happy Easter!

I Have Some Dreams

Lately I've been thinking about my "list" - things I want to do before I die. Actually these are more of things I want to do sooner than later - I don't want to be like "I'm dying, better get these off the list." Please note these aren't in any particular order.

1. Get on the Wheel of Fortune. Damn, I love that show. I set it to tape every night, and zip through it in 10 minutes, who needs to hear about the contestants cats and kids? I said it before and I'll say it again. I don't know much, but I know if I could get on that show, I'd rock that shit out of the water. Unless the wheel effs me. That happens sometimes. Someone will have built up their money to 5,000 and bankrupt. Then their next spin, Lose a Turn. That Wheel is a fickle, fickle bitch.

2. Go to Italy. I don't know why, but I have no desire to see France, Germany, Spain or Portugal. I just want to get to Italy. I think it has to do with me seeing the movie Gladiator and realizing just how old the Colliseum is and thinking "that is amazing." I know France has old stuff. I just don't care. I get the impression they don't really like us Americans over in France, anyone else get that impression? I wonder how the Italians feel? I bet they don't care, as long as we bathe.

3. Meet Bono. I think of all the band members, he'd be the easiest to talk to. I could see waiting out for Larry, and having him walk by me with his nose in the air. Or having Adam driving into a venue and just staring at a girl with big jugs while I'm standing there with my camera thinking 'Oh maybe the car will stop.' Yeah, it'll stop alright. To pick up the girl with the big jugs.

4. Get a fireplace. It won't be real, because well that's just crazy talk. I'm not moving anytime soon, I just want one of those fireplaces that you buy and just set up against the wall and plug in, you know, they throw the heat? Then I want a big TV to go over it. And to get rid of my entertainment center. But where will my candles go then? Maybe I need to rethink this item on the list.

Well - that's about it. I don't think these are outlandish, although I'm not sure they'll ever happen. I'm running out of money to chase Bono around ya know....

I Love This Show

I <3 NY

I just got an email from Paul, stating that my cat wants me home. How did he know? Well that's easy!!!!


Now all you cat lovers probably think this is just a normal think for a cat. Not for Caramel. For Caramel, her daily exercise is having to reach up with her front legs to eat her nightly treats off the coffee table (she gets them each night at 9:30 - and believe you me, if they aren't there at 9:30, I know...) Her jumping onto ANYTHING is a chore, so it's usually followed by a lengthy nap. I'd estimate she spends about 85 percent of her day laying/napping. An occasional burst of energy will see her chasing something imaginary through the kitchen for roughly 90 seconds. In the exhibit above, you can see she had yet another burst of energy, as she has full on jumped onto the coffee table, obviously under the delusion that she missed one of the treats last night. She did not. That didn't stop her from entering full on tracker mode....Note her stomach dragging on the coffee table. We wanted to buy her a Snuggie for Pets, but they didn't come in "husky" size.

You - Yes You

Are you reading this? Chances are you or someone you know will get the Swine Flu.

Now calm the fuck down, you'll be fine.

That's all.

Duh

I was driving home today thinking about a conversation I had with my cousin Jack this past June. He is five. We were at Walking with Dinosaurs. I was sitting in my chair thinking "how the heck are they going to keep all these kids entertained for 90 minutes?" cause God knows if everyone paid 35 bucks and it was only an hour, there'd be anarchy. So I decided to ask around, thinking the kids had probably seen something about it from hours of Cartoon Network watching.

Me: "I wonder what's going to happen?" (this was to all three kids but my own kids were ignoring me)
Jack: "The dinosaurs are going to walk around."
Me: "Oh."

I'm not saying a WORD when we are at the circus tomorrow.....

Four Allans in a Pod - Summer 2009

Well I know you've been on the edge of your seats waiting for me to post something new, so I thought I'd throw ya'll a bone. Here we are, end of August and I haven't posted a damned thing since June. Sad.

Here is an update. The adoption is complete - finalized on July 28, 2009. We went to the courthouse on a blazing hot Tuesday and parked in a very scary ramp underneath the Main Place Mall. All other ramps around the courthouse were filled on accounta some rat bastard scheduled the Bar Exam to be administered at the Convention Center on the same damned day. Assholes. Anyway, we parked, got to the court, went in, pulled all our jewelry off to get through the metal detectors and waited. I went through. They saw my camera and said "Oh you can't take that in" and I said "Oh sorry I thought we could take a picture when it was done." Then I get the "where are you going?"

Me: "Surrogate court?"
Her: "Oh that's across the street."
Me: "WTF???"

I run out of the building yelling "kids, follow me." Paul tries to keep up but can't as he's taken his belt off to get thru security and his pantaloons are falling off. He makes me stop and I get my bearings and see where we have to go. I find it and run into traffic because I'm scared of being late. This bitch almost runs into me with her car and I give her the meanest look I have - which is pretty mean cause I'm stressed out at that point. Yeah she had the right of way but come on, I'm late, doesn't she know? Meanwhile Jessica is carrying around her blanket, Pinky, dressed in a shirt. Yes folks, a shirt. We get to the CORRECT courthouse (didn't think there would be so many to choose from in B-lo did you) and she asks me "should I put Pinky on the belt?" I freak RIGHT the hell out and go "PINKY IS A BLANKET SHE DOESN'T NEED TO GO THROUGH THE METAL DETECTOR!" The security man looks at me very strangely and calls me "mam" in his voice that he most likely uses on the irate folk.

Man with gun: "Mam, where are you going?"
Me (in my nice voice): "Surrogate court and I'm worried we're going to be late."
Man with gun: "OK it's upstairs, you go through here, you have plenty of time."
Me: "WTF do you know? You are down here, can you see through my fake leather purse material and read the letter telling me what time I have to be there? (This part is in my head)
Man with gun: "Bitch, they are letting you adopt someone? (Also in his head)

Well it all worked out in the end, we got upstairs and had HALF AN HOUR to spare. I guess they like to tell you to get there at 9:30, when the actual thing doesn't start until 10. I cleaned up the sweat from my brow and went in and shazam, it was done in like 50 seconds, no lie. Then, this:

Me: "Come on kids, let's get you home so you can scrub the floors with a toothbrush and beat the rugs with a stick."
Them: "GULP."

In other summer news, we went to Cedar Point where I braved some exciting rides this year - the always popular Tilt a Whirl and the Choo Choo Train. I would have gone on the boat but we had an appointment with Snoopy to see his Ice Show and I couldn't miss it because that is where I get my mid-day nap which is as traditional on this trip as is stopping at the 2nd rest area in Ohio to eat our sandwiches at 10:45 a.m. Apparently the man and woman driving through Ohio from Maine who were eating a snack at said rest stop didn't get the memo about our traditional sandwich stop, because they were sitting at our bench when we arrived. Don't worry, my dad explained to them that it was "our" bench, and kicked them out. I told him to leave a reserved sign for next year. My brother almost died of sheer embarrassment. See he's been away from my dad for a long time, on accounta him living in Vegas. Not me. Takes more than THAT for Fran to embarrass me...

We also went to Sunset Bay for the week, and somehow ended up with the ONE NICE WEEK this entire summer. My cousin Kathy is a miracle worker for picking that week. Rained once on Sunday for 1/2 hour, then stopped for the rest of the week. It was in the 70s-80s the entire week and sunny on all but one day. Who's complaining about Buffalo summers? Not me!

Right now, we are cat sitting for a friend. He has three cats who are currently in one room in the basement on accounta my one fat cat can't deal with anyone else in her territory and has taken to not only hissing at the other cats, but hissing at US if we even blink in her direction. She wouldn't get out from under the kitchen table, so we had to move her litter box and food upstairs, and now every few minutes I hear this strange "meow" noise. Not her normal "feed me" meow, but a "how could you do this to me, I trusted you sons of bitches and this is how you repay me" meow. I hope everything works out, cause these cats are here for 10 days!

Coming up: the new school year. Duncan will be playing the saxophone this year in the band. I have purchased the "large" pack of earplugs, so we should be good for at least the fall.

Hopefully I'll be updating more, but you know my Facebook and Bejeweled Twist addictions suck up a lot of time...stay tuned.