More Cats

Oh Cats

No, I didn't make these you freaks. I did laugh my ASS off over them. I love the Jabba one. And the cookie. I made you a cookie - but I eated it!

Rock of Love

If you aren't watching Rock of Love, the VH1 reality show trying to find a lady love for Bret Michaels (yes, aging rocker from Poison) - you need to start. That's some damned fine TV!

Here is a link to the site on VH1 that gives you a breakdown of the girls. There is also a Message Board where you can post and read other comments. There are tons of them, 50 pages, I don't have time to read them, but some of them are GREAT! There was a fight the other night between Crazy Lacy (who is SERIOUSLY crazy) and this chick Dallas who is crazy, but not nearly as crazy as Lacy, who is crazy crazy.

Anyway, check it out.

Oh, and Rock of Love airs on Sunday nights at 9 p.m. on VH1.

I Can't Believe This

What shocking news I got today!

Star Jones has revealed she had bypass surgery.

Why I'm speechless.

NOT!!!!

P.S.

Dustin Diamond is still a big asshole, but I forgot about him momentarily as I was watching America's Next Top Model. How come everytime Tyra Banks calls a name she says "the next name I am going to call is..." and then says the name. She could just say "Our next contestant" or "our next finalist." I thought maybe it was a one-time deal, cause she kept saying it over and over in the episode I saw last week, but then I watched an episode yesterday and she kept doing it again. Tyra,we know you are going to read a name, no need to say it. That's like me saying "the next thing I'm going to type is..." Tyra's quite the idiot.

"The next thing I'm going to type is..." Your show sucks.

"The next thing I'm going to type is..." What's with that African American man who looks like a woman and has long hair in braids? What makes him qualified to pick models. Don't people who choose models have to at least look presentable?

"The next thing I'm going to type is..." Who gave you your own talkshow, Tyra???

The Adventures of Dick & Jane!

Dustin Diamond is a Big Asshole

Has anyone watched that Celebrity Fit Club? I like to watch it when it's on, and cause they run it in reruns all the time, you're likely to catch it any day of the weekend. So I watched the first episode and I was like "wow, that Dustin Diamond is kind of an asshole," cause he was being a real dickhead. You know Dustin, he played Screech on Saved by the Bell. You know, everyone's least favorite character on Saved by the Bell? I remember watching it with Jane and she really couldn't stand him, she'd be like 'What a fucking idiot, he's so stupid, he ruined this show.' When he was on that Miss Bliss's classroom, he was OK, but then they started having him act stupid just to act stupid. And he'd do stupid stuff and you'd be like "you fucking idiot." Then the show ended and he went off and did nothing, then that porn tape was "leaked" and now he thinks he's the shit. So I watched more of the Celebrity Fit Club and you can TELL he thinks he's the shit by the way he acts. He says stupid stuff and makes comments and insults people just to be an asshole, but if you say something about him "Oh, I don't have to take this harassment."

So I watched the finale and he was making more stupid comments, generally being an asshole (as we all wondered - why the frig does he have a girlfriend) and I was thinking man, those poor cast members. I felt so bad for anyone who had to be on that show and be near him, becuase I think they all wanted to beat his ass (I sure did) and they couldn't touch him becuase he'd be like "I'll call my lawyer." So I started to wonder - how does one become such a big fucking asshole? I wanted to write him a letter and tell him he's an idiot, then write a letter to poor little Ross the Intern and tell him he's a saint for putting up with that Useless Piece of Shit. And what's the worst? His team won, which means he won the same prizes as them, but he didn't do anything, he was all "I'm going to lose weight but I'm not going to listen to what you said." Well way to go fuck face - be an asshole why dont' you? That's what you do best!

Boy - I sure have a lot of hostility for Dustin. I hope he's not on another show for a long time.

On a happy note - props to the IRS for busting out Jessica's ITIN after telling me they didn't get my paperwork. And after I called the woman at the IRS who told me she doesn't have a crystal ball and she can't predict the future. Can I get a wut wut?

Justice is Served

Judge orders Paris Hilton back to jail

Weeping actress screams 'It's not right!' as she's taken from courtroom


Oh, it's right Paris - It's RIGHT!!!!!!!!

Paris Out of Jail

So looky what I just read.

Paris Hilton has been let out of jail and will now serve a 40 day sentance at home. With an ankle bracelet.

What a freaking JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have got to be kidding me. Why not give her back her license while your at it?

I heard she was cold in prison, on accounta she was only given ONE blanket and NO pillow. Boy, she's got it bad. And she couldn't sleep either cause of the loud noises in the prison. It echoed everywhere. She was distraught and not eating. Never mind the non-celebrities who commit crimes and go to the pound-me-in-the-ass prisons.

Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah.

Cry Me a River You Asshole.

Next time don't let your publicist run your life - figure out for yourself that yes, in fact, your license is suspended.....

P.S.

I didn't win the Amazing Race Pool, so the IRS can get off my back. Eric and Danielle won and Ozzy and Danny got knocked out the second last show. Bunch of bull I say!

At least now that Danielle has $500,000, she can probably buy some shirts that fit. I mean, was I the only one who didn't need to see her very large jugs hanging out every week?

When It's OK to Spank

That is what this was labeled - I didn't make it up you freaks!

What Would I Do Without MSNBC?

OK so I was looking at the entertainment homepage of MSNBC (again) and I found this article about Alec Baldwin leaving a nasty message for his daugther. Below are some quotes from Baldwin to his 11-year old Daughter:

“You are a rude, thoughtless little pig.”

"You don’t have the brains or the decency as a human being.”

“I don’t give a damn that you’re 12 years old, or 11 years old, or that you’re a child, or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn’t care about what you do as far as I’m concerned. You have humiliated me for the last time with this phone.”

"I will be flying there (sic) for the day just to straighten you out on this issue.”

So what, like there's something wrong with that? Isn't that what they call Tough Love?

Teehee.

Just kidding.

The man needs to take some pills or something to calm his ass down. Maybe there is a reason she isn't answering the phone. Ever think of that Alec?

Pshhh - Please

I just read this article on MSNBC.com. OK it was in the Gossip section of MSNBC.com, but still....
John Travolta doesn’t suffer from lack of ego. The “Wild Hogs” star recently boasted that he was as big a star as Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe — but didn’t suffer the same fate as them because of his values and religion.

“I have fame on the level of a Marilyn Monroe or an Elvis, but part of the reason I didn’t go the way they did was because of my beliefs,” Travolta told the Irish Independent.

The star went on to credit his sometimes controversial religion for the difference between his fate and theirs.

He goes on to talk about Scientology and how people judge it and such. The rest of the article is here

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18024482/

In any case, I read it and thought "WTF is that cracker talking about?" The fame of Elvis? Psshhh - please. I am having trouble writing right now, because I just read it and shook my head going Dude, WTF...

I would hardly say he has the fame of Elvis. Now I know I wasn't around when Elvis was big, and I know he was down a bit in the 60's when he made that same movie 33 times and the only thing that changed was the sideburns, but he came back with a vengance. Hello, 68 Comeback Special anyone??? Maybe THAT is what John was talking about - his comeback in Pulp Fiction. But I am willing to bet when John goes to meet the maker, they won't be:

• Referring to him as "The King;"
• Putting his face on towels, magnets, clocks and postage stamps;
• Burying him in his backyard; and
• Opening the home for the public.

You wanna know WHY I am willing to bet? Cause I've seen Look Who's Talking Now and I know he should have stopped at the first one!!!

In other news...

Lionel Ritchie once again proves he's a big asshole.

Angelina's mother proves she is one too - but from the grave...

Nerd's break open Piggy Banks as latest Harry Potter book to hit shelves

and finally

Does anyone else out there NOT give a shit about that dude on Idol with the mohawk?

Question. FUNK DAT

I'm listening to XM 80s and this morning they played "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake. Am I the only one who thinks of Tawny Kitaen doing a split on the cars when they hear this song? I know I'm not! Then I start thinking of the movie Witchboard. Why that didn't get huge in theatres, I'll never know, but me and my cousins sure loved it. I don't know if you know, but I'm sorry, that movie so MADE the expression "TTFN."

They followed up Here I Go Again with some crap by Bruce Springsteen. Dude, we were all Born in the USA, you don't see me bragging about it.

OK OK so my husband and the kids weren't born here, but whatever. You'd never know by looking at them, I make sure to hide all of Duncan's Toronto Maple Leaf's t-shirts and pajamas in the back of his drawer so he won't see them and be tempted to wear them. And I put the Bills and "USA" T-shirts right up front, first thing he sees! I'm a sneaky mommy!

Sweet Lord God AlmightY

Never Never Never Never Never Never Never Never Never Never Never Never

I have to make goodie bags for Duncan's birthday party, so I did a search for goodie bags at Target.com and something called "Doodie Bags" came up. I was like "WTF???" I sent it to JB who did some exploring. The doodie bags are for use in this.

Reliance Luggable Loo Portable Toilet

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

Why would you ever need that?

And if you did, would you bother changing it?? I'd call that a one time use item!!!!!!!! Just suck it up that it's going to cost you 15 bucks each time you go camping for crying out loud.

I've seen some sick stuff in my day, but come on people - this is just SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Never Never Never Never Never Never Never Never Never Never Never Never

You Know You Know That Girl!

You know that girl in high school who was too good to talk to you, so she treated you and your friends like shit (unless she needed something) and then you went off to college and only thought of her when you encountered another girl like that, who you realized was just very sad because they were acting like that in college and no one freaking cares there? Well what would you say to said girl if you had the chance when she decided 10 years after high school to email you and tell you how 'WONDERFUL' things were going?

Well this is what my friend would say!

Well, I do find it slightly bizarre that since you wanted absolutely nothing to do with 75% of the people on this list during high school, and you have suddenly taken a "genuine" interest into our lives, I'm fairly certain you really could give two shits.

Since you asked, I guess I can offer up what I've accomplished over the past nine + years. I dropped out of Harvard during my second semester because I felt like it was holding me back. Boy was I right. I left Buffalo in the Spring of 1998 flew a plane around the world following Amelia Earhardt's flight path in hopes that somehow this would create a connection between us. I landed in Zimbabwe and built three orphanages, networked with various celebrities, and served as personal character references for both Madonna and Angelina Jolie for the adoption of their children. While working on the orphanage, I met Oprah, the Dali Lama, and was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 2000. In early 2001 I vacationed in the Caribbean and loved it so much that I purchased three islands of my own, all of which have evolved from poverty stricken countries into modern-day nations whose GDP (Gross Domestic Product) exceeds that of the United States, Canada, and Great Britain combined. This is quite an accomplishment since the size of each island is no larger than the town of Cheektowaga. In mid-2001 during a brief visit home to Buffalo I had an epiphany and decided to it was time to really make a difference in the world (as if I hadn't done enough already). I phoned long-time pals Bono and Oprah (both of which are in my Top 8 on My Space - 1 and 2, respectively, sorry Oprah, you don't sing) seeking their collaborative efforts to end apartheid in South Africa. They suggested world-wide concerts all in one day. The four concerts I personally coordinated occurred in early 2003, before the Concorde was retired of course. How else could Phil Collins and myself be in Australia for a 3pm concert and then swing by Los Angeles for a duet with Alicia Keyes at 5? I've been around, that's for sure. Oh, I almost forgot - I should talk about the new jet I am designing with Boeing, maybe that's a story for a different email, I don't want to ramble on now.

Anyway, while in LA for the concert I met my wife. She was born in Fiji, graduated high school at 3, earned her doctorate in Fijianology at 7, and has redesigned the interstate highway system across North America to incorporate carpool lanes in all major cities. She has also personally patched the Alaskan oil pipeline several times with nothing but her hands and some spackle. I am so proud! Her and I practice yoga each day at sunrise, and speak to her grandfather's aunt's, daughter's, third-cousin once removed, who happens to be the inventor of yoga.

Our plans for the future include finding a cure for fatal diseases, improving the flow of water from the Niagara River through Lake Erie to Cleveland, and of course never wanting to read a single email from people that wanted nothing to do with us ten + years ago, and suddenly do now ever again.

I give him a lot of credit for writing that up, but turns out he didn't send it. However, just to take the time to pen something to that douch bag, that takes time! Well done.

I myself feel that I wouldn't take the time to write all that out. I would just say this.

Knock Knock.

Who's There?

Go Fuck Yourself.

Send.

AOL Radio Featuring (((XM)))

So I've been listening to the AOL Radio, on accounta I still didn't cancel my AOL subscription, and now I'm starting to wonder if Ishould because damn, this radio is good. I have five stations in my presents

XM 80's
XM 90's
90's Country
90's Pop
Top Pop

I used to have All Pearl Jam in there but they were always playing songs I didn't know, so I put the country in, cause I never listen to country now, but I did in the 90s when I was working at the Wegmans and I listen and think "OMG I loved that song!"

In any case, I listen to the XM 80's and 90's most, with the country in a close 3rd. I have heard some dandies over the last few weeks, which I will share with you here.

This is How We Do It by Montell Jordan: Ahh, let us rewind to 1996. I can taste the Light Tacos from Taco Bell right now. I bet you forgot they had those! Well they did. They had chicken and some red sauce and I don't think they had cheese or lettuce, but maybe. They were GD good. We would go to the Wegman's softball games, stop at the Taco Bell on the way back and sit in the Appletree Mall parking lot eating the "Light" Tacos, then I think we used to throw the garbage out the window, but maybe not in that lot, maybe on a side road. Boy, I was immature. In any case, we used to listen to this song, and drive around saying "I got the money, 100 dollar bills ya'll." Which sure was the case back then when I was working three jobs and lived at home. Now I got no 100 dollar bills. If I see someone with a hundred dollar bill (ya'll) I say "OMG dude, how did you get that??" Cause let's face it, who uses cash these days?

Return of the Mack by, um, I don't know: See above because we also listened to this song. I remember I got the CD single (It could also probably be the "Greatest Hits" for the dude who sang it) and I gave it to a friend to borrow and she returned it without the case. Yeah, cause that does me a whole lot of good.

If You Leave by OMD: I learned something when this song came on. I learned that OMD stands for Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark (Yes, that is how they spelled Maneuvers) and I immediately emailed Little Jeff because I knew he'd appreciate it. Of course he emailed me back but I didn't get the message cause all the emails going to my account are getting returned to people as undeliverable. But I digress. The other thing I learned is that I still think of little Molly Ringwald in her little pink dress when I hear this song. I think of how cute Little Andrew McCartney was. And I think of how they probably broke up a few weeks later cause while it's nice that Andrew told off BLANE (the major appliance), kids in high school are so effing fickle I'm sure he couldn't take the heat, dumped Molly and went back to banging the popular girls.

Sailing by Christopher Cross: I learned something about this song too. I hate it.

Breakfast at Tiffany's by Deep Blue Something: Let it be known I had to look up the singer because I had no idea who it was. People, let's be honest. This is probably the dumbest song written. They have nothing in common except Breakfast at Tiffany's. Well it's time to break up then. It can't last if you have nothing in common. I know opposites attract, but you'll eventually go crazy if you can't agree on anything. Like Paul and I both agree that Friends is very funny. And we both like Bison Dip. And we both dislike brussel sprouts. As you see, it takes more than just a movie to keep couples together.

2 Legit 2 Quit by MC Hammer: My favorite part of this song (besides the heeey heeeeey by the lady in the background) is that it's got 2's in the Title instead of "Too" and "To." That Hammer. Always proving how dumb he is.

Scar Tissue by the Red Hot Chili Peppers: This is how much of a loser I am - it was on 90s Pop and I just came around to knowing that song in 2004. I thought it came out in like 2003 or something. And I remember I had no idea what he was saying when he was talking about the birds and the lonely view. I think it's about drugs!

Joyride by Roxette: Oman, Roxette. Dare I say I miss them? I enjoy the Joyride, I enjoy the It Must Have Been Love and most of all I enjoy Dangerous. Not so much a fan of Fading Like a Flower, but whatever, you can't please everyone. Having recently learned that they make a Greatest Hits Album, I reviewed the list of songs and decided to save my money and buy the two songs I like off ITunes.

Fancy by Reba McEntire: If you have never heard this song, well get off the stick and listen to it. What a hoot! I still remember the first time I heard it. I was working at Wegmans and heard the song and thought "Oh, what a nice little song about a girl who picked herself up off the ground and make something of her life." The song tells the story of a poor mother and her two kids, Fancy and the kid known as "the baby." Well Fancy turns 18 and her mama puts her in a "red satin dancing dress," throws some rouge on her and gives her some high heels. There is a line in there about just being nice to the gentleman and they'll be nice to you. So I'm like "Oh, she's a dancer!" Well I'm telling my friend Amy about this and she's like "She's a hooker!" Yeah, the dress had a slit up the side "clean up to Reba's Hip" and did I mention that a roach crawled over the toe of her high heeled shoe? Yes, the mother was desperate, so as soon as the girl was legal she sent her off to make some money. Well Fancy sure did make some money. Welfare took the baby and mama died but Fancy did well for herself, landing all these men who took her as their personal slave but who cares cause she's got the mansion and townhouse! My favorite line of the song, and I know I'm not alone on this, is "I might have been born just plain white trash, but Fancy was my name."

Too bad my mother named me Lori. And I don't have a baby brother or high heeled shoes cause maybe I could write a song about my life.

Oh, and did I mention that the mother had a baby but Fancy was 18? Hello - did that mother not learn to keep her legs closed? Well I guess not!

My Poor Neglected Blog

Oh how I've ignored Dude, WTF for so long. But she was never far from my heart, as daily I find myself uttering "WTF" or screaming out "Dude," - or just starting a sentance with "Dude man, get this." It's all good. I guess I didn't have anything good to say for the last few months. Or maybe I just didn't have time with the wedding planning and the job and stuff. Not saying I don't have PLENTY to do right now, but I'm doing a little thing called "Lunch at the Desk." You know it people - at least you people who get a half hour, like me. But get this - there is a cafeteria in my building, so I get to buy lunch for only $3.50. What a deal! Today I got grilled cheese, tomato soup and fries, plus a cookie and a delicious Snapple. I didn't eat the soup, I was expecting it to taste like hot V8, instead it tasted like tomatoes. Disgust....The grill cheese though. OhMammy, they must use butter here. Lots of butter! On accounta I'm used to making grilled cheese at my parent's house, I always used that fake margarine stuff, like "I can't believe It's Not Butter," or whatever other crap was on sale. Let me say, butter is GOOD shit....

Anyway, if anyone is still reading this feel free to comment and tell me exactly what you'd like me to talk about. Alias is no longer on the air, so I can't write about how that show sucks open ass. I can talk about how The Amazing Race just makes me want to kick in the TeeVee screen because the people on it are so freaking stupid. Or I can talk about Survivor and how this season is so boring I barely stay awake til 9. Oh Oh, I know what I can talk about! We have the DVR and each day the little DVR tapes Melrose Place reruns for me. OhJoy, I can't say enough good things about DVR or Melrose. If you are thinking about getting the DVR or TiVo, just do it! And make sure you get the Soap Network, cause then I'll come over and watch Melrose and 90210 with you! But they just started the reruns of 90210 over again from the beginning and let me say, Shannon Dougherty in 1991 - WOOOF. I don't know what Dylan McKay was thinking, and I'm still wondering how Donna Martin got in the cool crowd. Yeah she's rich, but everyone at the school was, except Brenda and Brandon. That didn't stop Brando from driving a Mustang for 9 seasons. But I digress.

Donna Martin Graduates.

Allan - OUT.

Comments

So someone commented the other day on the Exercise Sandals pointing out why they were called Exercise Sandals, while I insist they just be called Torture Sandals, because they are made of wood with that thin little leather strap and come on, you have to do a lot of work to walk in those. Turns out that is why they are Exercise Sandals, cause your legs have to work while wearing them. Well WTF?? Bring those back! Why would I go to the gym when I can just torture myself all day by wearing the Exercise Sandals and save myself an hour each morning.

A few side notes. The person who left the comment was anonymous, so I don't know who it is, but I would love to ask them "how the eff did you know that??" Or does everyone know Dr. Scholl's secrets but me?

In other news - does anyone else think that Parvati from Survivor is a big old ho? I do....I have her name in the work pool and I'd be happy to see that tramp get voted out just because she needs to get taken down a peg or two....

Werd.

Quote of the Day

I know it's only 8:30 in the morning but a friend wrote me this morning and within the email was a line so, how shall I say, profound, that I had to make it quote of the day. Now one might say "Lori, the day has just begun." But homey don't play that, I think this deserves it's own day....

And yeah yeah yeah, I never write anymore, blah blah blah. I got shit going on dude!

So here it is...



Things are just ducky here.  By ducky, I mean it sucks open ass. - JB