Quote of the Day

I know it's only 8:30 in the morning but a friend wrote me this morning and within the email was a line so, how shall I say, profound, that I had to make it quote of the day. Now one might say "Lori, the day has just begun." But homey don't play that, I think this deserves it's own day....

And yeah yeah yeah, I never write anymore, blah blah blah. I got shit going on dude!

So here it is...



Things are just ducky here.  By ducky, I mean it sucks open ass. - JB

Til Death Do Us Part (My Ass)

Dude, I just read that Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra are ending their marriage.

I wonder what did it for them. Was it the fact that he wore more makeup than her during their wedding (and every day for that matter)? That he had his nails done for the wedding and she didn't? That he takes longer than her to get ready in the morning and uses more hairspray for that matter? That he secretly wants to be a woman? That he's trying to bed reality TV babes? Who knows!!!!!!! All I can say is, I'm speechless. I thought those kids were going to last forever, but I should have known better. Since Heather Locklear and Tommy Lee broke up, nothing shocks me. I thought those kids were going to make it too. Them and Eddie Van Halen and Valerie Burtanelli. And Brad and Jen.

Boy, was I wrong!

Rest In Peace Navarro Marriage (2003-2006). Rest. In. Peace.

What an Injustice!

Well ain't this about a bitch??????

This dude effs over hundreds of people by ruining their futures and retirements, is found guilty of multiple crimes, and dies before sentancing? Boy did HE get off easy. I would have loved to hear the stories of Ken Lay in the "Federal Pound Me In the Ass Prison."

As Mammie from Gone With the Wind would say, It ain't fittin, it just ain't fittin.

Patience People!

Boy, my readers sure are fickle. I ask and ask for them to post comments and they ignore me. Then I go on vacation for a week and don't post and THEN the comments start flowing in. Post already, Post already. People, please, give me a chance to explain. I did post yesterday. I posted a definition for the Urban Dictionary that I laughed my ass off over. But guess what I did? I posted it to the WRONG blog. I accidentally put it on a blog that I use for work, and I swore on the posting no less. Then, host of hosts, our internet connection went down. I nearly shit my pants worrying that someone would view it and report me. Luckily I called P at home and had him remove the post.

But here it is for those who care. I peed my pants over this.

Urban Dictionary - Gooze

So Vegas was good fun, even though it was Africa Hot. I came home with no tan, and I was out in the sun one day and came back in that day with a mustache. I have no idea what happen, if the tanning oil did or didn't get on the area above my lip, but sometimes when I glance in the mirror it seriously looks like I have a stache. I hope this fades soon, I hate seeing it and makeup won't cover it. And no, I can't wax it, the hair is blonde, no sense in going through the pain if it won't do anything.

But if anyone calls me Sanchez, I'll kill you.

How about a big shout out to DMC for celebrating his big 19th birthday yesterday? I called him to say Happy Birthday. Twice. I didn't hear MY phone ringing with a return call though. Typical!

Punishment!!!!!!!

The Lie Clock

TeeHeeHee

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter.

"What are all those clocks?" he asked.

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock," St. Peter answered. "The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus's office," St. Peter said. "He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Hey Madonna - Take Off the Legwarmers and Get in the 2000s!

I found this on MSNBC this morning. I had to post it and note that Madonna is another person who needs to get the fuck over herself. Perhaps her, Angelina and Brad can all start hanging around together. Then again, they'd probably start a club open to only them, not making it much of a club, save for the fact that they are all over rated.

Kabbalah ends Madonna-Britney friendship

By Jeannette Walls
MSNBC
Updated: 2:49 a.m. ET June 13, 2006

Looks like smooch-buddies Madonna and Britney Spears are buddies no more.

When the two locked lips on MTV, it made news around the world. Now, Madonna has reportedly dumped Spears because the “Oops I Did It Again” crooner has bailed on Kabbalah.
Madonna spent a great deal of time and money wooing the younger singer into the Kabbalah fold, and it worked for at least a while; Spears was spotted wearing the trendy religion’s trademark red string bracelet and toting around Kabbalah books.

But not long ago, Spears publicly ditched the mystical offshoot of Judaism, writing on her Web site: “I no longer study Kabbalah, my baby is my religion.” Spears, who was raised a Baptist, has allegedly been consulting with a “Christian Life Coach” about her troubled marriage to Kevin Federline.

“Madonna spent months teaching Britney the Kabbalah system and splashed out thousands on the ancient scripture for her,” according to a source quoted by Virgin.net, which is further reporting that Madonna is demanding that Spears return the twelfth-century book on Kabbalah that she gave her as a wedding present. Madonna’s rep had no comment by press time, but the source said: “She feels she has wasted time, money and precious gifts on Brit.”

I LOOOOOOOVE the part about how Madonna wants her book back. It's just so "you pushed me on the playground and I'm telling my mommy on you."

Can the world give me some good celebrity news soon?

Happy Birthday To You

Today is Maddie Moo Moo's first birthday - I can't believe how fast it went. We went to her birthday party yesterday and she got a billion presents. No kidding. A billion. There were presents everywhere. I got her a car for when she turns 16. OK, I actually got her two containers of Puffs (her favorite food) and money, but I'm sure somewhere in that pile she got a car. I left partly into the presents to go see Jack and then came back 10 minutes later and they were STILL opening presents. I told my mom "this reminds me of my first birthday," and she gave me the look that says "Dude, WTF..." Cause I can't remember that shit.

Anyway, Happy Birthday to you Maddie.

Angelina - Get Over Yourself

Is it me, or do Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt really need to get over themselves????

If you are saying no, click here.

If you still think they are cool, send me a comment, cause I'm trying to figure out if they are a bunch of a-holes or if I'm just being a bitch. Because while I realize people are going to jump on the bandwagon of them having a baby, I think they should get back to life and focus on what they do best, which is making shitty movies. I mean, you know everyone is on the edge of their seats waiting for Lara Croft Tomb Raider Part III. Or, maybe Angelina will play another crazy person who is easy and has bad hair and get an Oscar! That is a surefire way to get one. Play a crazy, a hooker, a serial killer*, or a fiesty attorney's assistant with big hooters.

*Note: Serial killer is not a surefire way to win, but the nomination will be a sure thing.

The Shuttle Ride with the Big Jerk

Today I had to take my car in to get the air fixed (thank the Jesus) and I had to take the little Courtesy Shuttle to work. There is always a nice man driving it who makes conversation, but inevitably, there is always a big asshole in the shuttle. And today was no exception. I remember once they picked up from the Porshe Dealer in the back and the guy there was a jerk. But today, the jerk was picked up from the Toyota Dealer (they sell a lot of car brands at this joint.)

Anyway, the driver was chatting about how the storm last night woke him up, and said 'Oh, did you hear it?' and Asshole says "it was kind of hard not to." Yeah, well LoriV didn't hear it. LoriV had the air on, the window shut and was tired from waking up at 5 that morning. So LoriV slept through the "storm that was hard to miss." Anyway, I'm always the last one to be dropped off, but this time the driver decided to take me to work first, then drop this guy off at UB on the way there. That is where Asshole worked. UB. I said "Oh, are you a professor there?" and he said "Yes." And I said "What do you teach?" and he said "Ecology in the biology department." So I went on to say that my cousin is majoring in bio-sciences and that it's really tough and how he's a smart kid and I can't imagine how hard it must be, to which Asshole replied "well you know these kids come from these high schools thinking they are smart and then they realize that high school was easy." So I was like "Yeah," which wasn't terribly original, but you know, what do you say to that? More on that later.

So we are driving and I asked if he taught a summer class and he said "No, I'm working on research now," and I said "Oh, to be published," and he said "Well the whole point of doing research is to get published so you can share the findings with everyone else," and I was like this. "Oh - haha, yeah right."

And then I sat back and started to think.

And THEN I said to myself (and wanted to say out loud) "You're an ASSHOLE."

First off, I thought maybe he was doing research for next semester, to CHANGE up what he taught in his class, instead of teaching the same old lessons over and over. I was wrong. Second of all, who does this Asshole think he is? I had a good mind to say "Um, No SIR, my cousin is in fact smart, but there are Asshole professors at UB (like you) who don't teach properly, and just mumble lessons and make students feel stupid when they ask questions." And no, that wasn't my cousin who asked the question, it was another girl in the class who was told by the professor that maybe she was too stupid to be taking the class. But I digress.

This man was an Asshole. I spent the rest of the time with my eyes closed, until we got closer to the city and I started talking to the van driver, but then Asshole was laughing at what I was saying and I wanted to be like "Well if Asshole thinks it's funny I should be quiet," and then I thought "Asshole." Then I was quiet. So they got me to work and I thought "this poor driver, he has to put up with this Asshole another nine miles up the road." Hopefully he didn't hit any traffic lights.

Onward...

Paul sent me a link today to a freaking hilarious blog about a guy who bought a junk laptop on Ebay but the guy who sold it forgot to delete his hard drive from it. I laughed my ass off and you will too. Click here.

Saturday, June 3 is the Race for the Cure. We are 50 bucks away from our Team Vallon goal of raising $1,000. The soda sales at work are a little slow (I guess people prefer Pepsi over Coke) but I think I'm going to have another $25 bucks from that when all is said and done. So if one more person donates or joints we'll be set. You should join. Go here.

Oh, and one a happy note, my car is covered under warranty, so I don't have to pay for my AC to be fixed. On a sad note, they had to replace the condensor because it was leaking. The sad part is that they just replaced the condensor last year, which means that part lasted approximately 10 months (I got it replaced last July.) What kind of shoddy parts is GM pumping out that a $900 piece of equipment can't last for longer than 10 months? I don't know. But I think that the man who wrote the commentary in the Buffalo News a few weeks back about how Americans are bitter about autoworkers getting good benefits and how autoworkers have high standards needs to meet with me for a few minutes so I can ask him "Dude, WTF???"

Office Memo

Please note that at this year's Office Picnic there will be only one alcoholic drink per person; please bring your OWN cup .

Maddie Moo Moo Grows Up Fast!

Boneless Chuck

So I was reading through some old West Seneca Bees (props for saving them Marcy!) and I usually don't read the Police Blotter but the headline caught my attention.

Chuck Roast Put in Pants

In BOLD!

It seems "on Friday, October 28, 2005, a white male suspect in his forties left the Wegmans store on Orchard Park Road wiht a boneless chuck roast in his pants."

Several questions have arisen in my mind.

1. Why would you put Chuck Roast Put in Pants as the title? I thought about it and realized they were smart for doing it, as it got me to read more in the blotter. But still. Have some dignity people.

2. Why would you put a chuck roast in your pants. It was in October, which would be fine time to wear a coat. Do you really want to put a package of meat, which could leak, in your pants?

3. How the hell did these workers know it was boneless? Were they that close to this man? Or did they just go over to meat and note there was a boneless chuck missing, as opposed to a bone-in chuck? Couldn't they have just said "chuck roast" and left out the boneless part? It just brings up way too many questions.

There you have it. My excitement for yesterday (besides the Blender lists and Bono's haircut.)

I LOVE THE INTERNET!

Did you ever have one of those days when you were bored and wanted to surf the web but it seems like there was NOTHING that you could find that was interesting? Well today isn't one of those days!

First, I was sent a link about someone named Brandon Davis (I think) dissing on Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton was with him giggling like a mother fucker cause she thought it was just hilarious that he decided to walk along the street on their way to wherever they were going and talk bad about her for no reason. I remember when people I knew used to do that. That was back when I was 15! If you would like to see the article and watch the video, click here!

Note: I have no idea who Brandon Davis is, but the article says he's a millionaire, the grandson of some late millionaire who I guess left him some money. I guess he forgot to pass on "a clue" to young Brandon.

Anoter note: Someone pointed out to me about an hour ago that at least Lindsey Lohan does work. And he has a good point. I'm not crazy about her, but she does have a bunch of movies under her belt. What is Paris doing? As my friend put it, she hit the genetic lottery, and boy, do I agree!

Next up, I scrolled down to the bottom of that page and saw something about Bono. Of course, I clicked on it. BONO GOT A HAIRCUT!!!!!!!! Hot diggety! That isn't what the article was about, only myself and a few other Bono fans get excited about that stuff. This was about Bono posing with some cell phones and I guess the company is helping out with the African Debt. The title of the article was Bono and Motorola Do Red. When I first read it I thought "Oh, he's been hanging out with more models" because I thought the name Motorola Do Red was someone's name. It isn't!

You can see the article by clicking here. Also, you can view the comments of a young man named rob enderle who is scathing about Bono's humanitarian efforts. I don't know what Bono did to him, but he is MAD! rob refers to Bono as "a tool used to give white people some sense that they are doing something while at the same time making sure that mulinationals that rape and pillage the planet still can do it with a clean conscience." Dude, get out of the bitter barn and come play in the hay...

Coincidentally, it drives me bonkers when people post things on websites and don't capitalize their name. If you are going to take the time to post, you can take the time to hit "shift" when typing the R and E in your name! In any case, I just commented back to him, but it's being reviewed before it gets posted. Good thing my salty language didn't come out.

Onward and upward.

After reading about Bono (and his haircut) I stumbled onto the Blender Magazine Website when the article "The 50 Worst Things Ever to Happen to Music" caught my eye. If you want to read it, click here. It was OK. Not great, not bad. But then I spied with my little eye the 50 Worst Songs Ever! To my horror, I have like all of them on my Itunes, or on CD. Is this some kind of sick joke? Or do I just like bad music? Or a little bit of both. I notice that they poked fun of all the music that they would never talk about in Blender. You didn't see any mention of a bad Nirvana song, no mocking of Good Charlotte or Blink 182, but you know that ALL their songs weren't good! But I digress. The song "The Final Countdown" by Europe is on that list. Wait until I tell Jane, she'll be outraged. Actually, I'm torn up. They used to blare that out of large speakers when I went to the Barnabas Lawn Fete each year when I was like 10, and I thought it was way cool. I obviously have lot to learn.

Anyway, if you go to the Blender Site they have a whole bunch of other lists, including:

The 50 Worst Artists in Music History!

500 CDs You Must Own Before You Die!

The 50 Most Awesomely Dead Rock Stars! and;

The 500 Greatest Songs Since You Were Born! Not to ruin anything, but Billy Jean was number one. Yeah, that video was the freaking bomb! Number 2 was the song B.O.B by Outkast. Um, OK. Number 3 is Sweet Child of Mine by Guns N' Roses. OK I agree with them there, but I'm not digging on number 2.

Oh, I just scrolled down and number 4 is One by U2.

I LOVE BLENDER!

I LOVE THE INTERNET!

All is right with the world.

Please Paul - You Can Do Better Than That!

I just read an article on AOL that says that Paul McCartney and his wife Heather Mills, AKA, has one leg, are seperating after four years of marriage. You can read this article here.

I will copy the lead which I found so very interesting.

Former Beatle Paul McCartney and his second wife, Heather Mills McCartney, said Wednesday that they are separating after nearly four years of marriage, blaming intrusion from the media and insisting their split is amicable.

Ok. Can someone clear this up for me? Paul McCartney WAS in fact married to Linda McCartney for some of those those years he was in the Beatles right? And weren't they like always in front of the camera? And wasn't someone always trying to take thier picture and get up in their grill? And then they were in Wings, which sucked, but still, the cameras were still rolling and you couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting a radio playing Band On the Run. Yeah, I thought so. Yet these two can't keep it together for longer than four years, and blame the media?? And of course, they had to have a kid, even though he's a FOSSIL! He probably regales the kid with stories about how he got his driver's license driving a Model T and how it broke him up when the Titanic went down.

OK, OK - so he's not that old. But you get my drift.

Anyway, I think the media excuse is bogus. All these celebrities are like "get me on TV, get me on TV," and they want to be famous, but then when it gets to be too much they cry and whine like little babies. Don't give me that crap about going in show business so you can practice your "craft." Don't wanna hear it. At any given time, you can go away. And most of the time, we are more than happy to see you go (thank you Jessica Beil for fading into the sun!) But don't give me the "I just want to do my job and do it well and have my privacy." And I bet you want your million dollars for working three weeks, don't you? Yeah, can't have it both ways.

So in conclusion - I'm not bitter about celebrities. I think they just need to fess up, take credit for thier problems and not blame TV cameras for their downfalls. Because the only one I'm listening to that line from is Princess Diana.

An Actual Email Which I Just Received

Someone forwarded me an email because they thought I'd get a kick out of the subject line.

Well I did!

Here is the subject.

Strategies for Better Bladder Control Wednesday Night

Um. OK.

Mind you, this isn't spam. It's the real deal. You know you all want to leard about Better Bladdar Control, people!

Memories from Childhood

I got an email recently of all these things from the 1970s and since I'm mostly an 80s baby, a lot of them didn't pertain. But a few of them did.

First, the Donnie and Marie Doll. I had these. Sadly. I got them from McCrory's at the old Como Mall (now the Appletree Business Park.) I might have even got them in the 1980s, but maybe they were just carry overs from ones that didn't sell in the 70s. No doubt. Donnie was the only boy "Barbie" doll that I had, as I never got an official "Ken" doll. I got through it. He had this fly outift on, and came complete with his own silver microphone which attached to his hand. Marie had one too, and by the time she got retired in the late 80s, her dress, with the fun scraggly fabric, was all rolling up at the bottom and looked awful. But from what I remember, she fit into all the traditional Barbie clothing, so she did fine. A few years after I got her, I got Pretty In Pink Barbie for passing my swimming test (that was in the first grade.) Now I don't have a picture of Pretty in Pink Barbie, but she was way hot. Now I know Peaches N Cream Barbie knocked her out of the water a year later, but pretty soon Day to Night Barbie hit the scene and kicked both of them to the curb.

Onward to something I wanted, but never actually got. I always wanted an official pair of Dr. Scholl's Clogs. I wanted the "real deal" clogs, the ones that covered the whole front and top of your foot. My best friend had them in Blue, and man, they were phat. She let me wear them around her room, but never for that long. What a bitch. (She knows that she was a bitch back then, I have told her and she agreed.) I did have a pair of the "other" kind of clogs (pictured here.) They were from KMart, and I'm not sure if they were actual Dr. Scholl's, they could have been but they might as well have been Zzips for all I cared. (Zzips was the generic brand of sneakers from KMart, also known as Buddies, more on that later.) Sure these clog sandals were loud, but you couldn't exactly wear them year round. The full clog could be worn year round, esp. cause you wore them with socks.

On a side note, these are labeled Exercise Sandals. I'm sorry. What exercises did they think we'd be doing in these? I remember playing hopscotch and the bastards flying off!

Back to Zzips. I remember sitting in the cart at KMart and listening to the jingle about Zzips and thinking they were cool. Of course I was like 5. Obviously if I fit into the cart, duh. Anyway - if you got these and were in like first grade, that was fine. But if you busted in wearing Zzips in 5th grade, you'd hear this

"Buddies, Buddies make your feet feel fine, Buddies, Buddies sale for $1.99"

Obviously I did not want to wear Buddies. Boy, kids can be so cruel! I do recall getting dressed like a real dork back in the day. I had the generic jeans, I remember my best friend had Jordache Jeans - REAL Jordache Jeans that cost $29.99. What a bitch! When you were 7, $29.99 was a lot of money. Looking back I realize that I'm fine for having worn generic, but I am still not over those Clogs. I bet they'll come back again. All things come back. Maybe one day I'll have a chance to buy them again, in blue, in a size 9. And I'll probably wear them one time and think "what was I thinking wanting a pair of shoes made of wood?" and never wear them again.

And by the by - am I the only one who misses the Como Mall? Iwent to see many, many $1.50 movies there on a Friday night, and purchased many many boxes of 3/$1 candy at the McCrory's. Coincidentally, I also owned a shirt from McCrory's. I can admit that now because it was in 7th grade. I told you I was a dork, dudes!

I Don't Think I Want To Eat Here!

Idol In a Nutshell

I wrote this last week to my friend who is a fan of American Idol and decided to share it here because she found it funny. I could go on forever with this, Paula shaking her head vigorously, Randy looking at Simon like he has two heads, but you get my gist.

Randy: "Dog, Dog, I am just not feeling it."
Paula: "I thought you were good, but maybe you can pick a better song next time. Keep at it, keep at it."
Simon: You reek. That was not good.
Paula: NOOOOOO NOOOOO (Waving hands all around)
Randy: OHHHH That’s harsh dog, that’s harsh

Cut to Seacrest, in his fancy suit and dippety do'd hair.

Sanity Gone!

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

7. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

8. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

9. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

10. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

11. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

12. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

13. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

14. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

15. Tell Your Children Over Dinner "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

What About A Real Season Yo?

So I'm watching Desperate Housewives right now and I just saw an advertisement for the Season Finale of What about Brian? Well Yo, wasn't it just a few weeks back (like four) that I was writing about the Season Premier of What about Brian? Since when was five shows enough to get someone hooked, give them the finale and expect that they would come back? Unless you are talking about Deal or No Deal. Which, by the by, is so damned dramatic. I like how Howie all pumps it up and is like "You'll find out after this commercial break." You know they are going to screw the pooch anyway, they are going to say No Deal when they are offered $200,000 cuase they are hoping for more. Dude, I'd take the $200,000! When else would you be offered up that sort of money. Take it stupid!

On a side note, this DH episode is wicked boring. I was so bored whilst watching that I logged onto my work account to check email. Now you KNOW it's boring then.

On another side note, we have had no heat in our apartment for the past two weeks. Which was fine up until last night, when I think it was like 30 degrees or some shit, and in my apartment it was like 62 and I'm not used to that anymore. It was like being back at my parent's house when I used to have to put my feet underneath the matress while on the computer just to warm up. I had to put on long pants, a sweater and my fuzzy socks and bring an extra blanket into bed. I should call maintenance, but I always forget until the weekends when I'm here and I'm freezing. Perhaps I should email them right now! That would be the smart thing to do.

DH still boring....

I have had a craving for ice cream for about three hours now and there is none to be found in my freezer. I'm thinking about knocking on the neighbor's doors to ask around. Think anyone else in the building would think that was wierd? I mean, one time I did lend a can opener to my neighbor. It would be just like that!

Ice cream.......