OK So This is a Little Mean...

A Sterling Pair

Rock the Vote

I'm getting creamed in the election for 97 Rock's President for a Day. If you haven't done so already, please vote. If you did already, clear those cookies and keep voting, I'm WAAAY behind. And it's getting embarrasing!

It's under Allen (yes, they spelled it wrong).

Click here to vote.

Eff It!

The Time Has Come

It is time!

September 19th is once again International Talk Like A Pirate Day.

Need some tips on how to incorporate pirate speak into ordinary conversation? Visit the Official Website here.

Yo Ho!

You Do the Math

Yo - you seen this? This article that tells about how Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt donated $2 million to fund a children's health center in Ethiopia? Hollah! Thanks for the support say the Africans. And let's get on the case, cause everyone wants to know about the Jolie-Pitts says Us Weekly. Not Lori though. Lori says "huh?"

Cause Lori remembers a few months back when the pictures of the newborn Christ Children were in People Magazine. Didn't those two get like $14 million dollars for pics of the Wonder Twins that fell out of Jolie's crotch a few months back? Where did that money go? Cause if I'm doing my math, we're missing about $12 million. Did they give that away without Us reporting it? Puh-Lease, bite your tongue. Angelina Jolie could buy a bag of tater tots and a 12 pack of Cream Ale and they'd be fighting for the scoop!

Sheen-a-leen

Can I ask something? Why is everyone making such a big deal about Charlie Sheen having another baby? I've seen it on Extra, in Us, on the internet - and at Winster they keep showing the same clip over and over while I'm playing my online slots. Dude, the guy will put it up in any chick he sees walking by, and he's been married, what, three times? And been a client to Heidi Fleiss and her "services." It's not brain science people, you put your penis in that many different woman enough, you're bound to end up making at least a couple of them pregnant.

Can't we go back to talking about Brad and Angelina? It's been at least three days since I've seen any mention of Pax and Maddox, come on, do you want me to go into withdrawl? I need more pics of those kids walking around looking all glassy eyed whilst each eating from their very own 'Big Grab' bags of Cheetos....

Michael Phelps at a Young Age

Shizzy

No They Di-int

Yes, they did!

Check out one of the newest items in the Avon Catalog.

Yes, you're reading correctly, that does have a pic of Smurfette saying "Wanna Smurf?" I'm just sayin...

I Can't Say Typical, Can I?

I read the Business First update each day, and every few days they ask a new question, which you can answer and comment on. Today's question is "Where do you do your grocery shopping?" followed by a list of selections, Tops, Wegmans, Aldi, Save-A-Lot, etc.

Someone wrote this comment:

"I don't know.. I open the fridge and there's food in there. I suspect my wife is involved somehow."

Am I allowed to say typical?

Although I'm still LOL!

A few comments down from that was:

"For their professionalism and how they treat their employees and customers, Wegmans is unsurpassed. Tops is at the opposite end of this spectrum. Their employees can be surly and their customer service lacking."

SURLY - I love it!!!!!

Even better:

"... Top's never mops, just look at the floor ... Jingle from the '80's. Top's has always pissed me off. The layout, the prices, but mostly the people."

More More More!

Always So Good, for So Little

So tonight was exciting as we journeyed to Swiss Chalet for dinner. The very nice waitress bought us a BIG plate of sauces to go around, three chalets and TWO barbecue sauces (pay attention to this part.) Very nice of her since I was the only one who needed it for my ribs, Paul got just chicken. So I ate some, and told her "oh, I didn't even use this one, do you take it back?" She said no because once it leaves the kitchen, it's considered TAINTED. Well she didn't say those words exactly, but I got the drift. Anyway, we were almost done eating when I noticed that my coupon for $4 off was missing, so we started lifting up all the plates to look for it. No luck. So Paul lifts up the SAUCE PLATE and all of a sudden time stands still as the spare BBQ sauce falls over. Slowly you could see the silouette of the cup as it fell over and you hear "nooooooo." OK maybe that was in my head. But the next part wasn't. The sauce goes all over, landing on the table, the floor, and oh, my capris. And it's hot too, cause they warm that shit up. WTF I say, WTF! I tried wiping it up but of course it's just smearing all over the place. Plus it's all soaked into the jean material and it's cooling down, fast! We had to call the waitress over cause you just know some idiot would step into it, fall and sue. Normally I'd blame it on the kids, but they were nowhere near that sauce, so I did the only thing I could, told them it was HIS fault! As we left I did the walk of shame, holding my purse a little lower as to cover the stain. But we had one more stop to make - the pilgrimage to Hollywood Video. With the giant sauce stain (it was like three inches wide!) So we're walking around the store (purse still covering stain) and Jessica breaks out with "Oh Mommy, your pants smell gooooood."

On a side note, I think they put some sort of drug like crack in that sauce. It's so freaking good, those were some of the best ribs I ever ate. Unfortunately I'll always associate it with "the day of the sauce mess."

He'll be hearing about this for DAYS!

Sum Ting Wong

WTF. Seriously. WTF

So here is probably the most disturbing story of the month - maybe the year. A man stabbed his seatmate on a Greyhound Bus, then went on to decapitate him. As you would expect people ran off the bus, so he just went about cutting the body into pieces. You can read all about it here.

I believe the most disturbing part of the story was this:

"As the three guarded the door with a crow bar and a hammer, the attacker went back to the body and calmly came to the front of the bus to show off the head."

Calmly came to the front of the bus to show off the head? WTF? Seriously - WTF.

The article noted that passengers were watching the Legend of Zorro when the incident occured. I don't think that is what spurred him. I think it was boredom as he was forced to stare at the Canadian countryside for hours on end.

Yo Ho

Sophia: Jealousy is a very ugly thing, Dorothy! And so are you, in anything backless.

Sophia: When I turn my hearing-aid up to ten, I can hear a canary break wind in Lauderdale!

Sophia: Cabbage she serves me, in ten minutes I could be sky writing!

Blanche: Is it okay to sleep with a man on the first date?
Sophia: It's a sin. I don't care what anyone says, it's a sin. But I'd go back to eating fish on Fridays if his holiness gave that one the green light.

Rose: Sooo, who's the luckiest girl in the history of the world!
Sophia: Well, it wasn't your mother.

Sophia: Blanche, a terrible thing has happened to you. But when life does something like this, there are a couple of things you got to remember. You got your health, right?
Blanche: Yeah.
Sophia: You can still walk, can't you?
Blanche: That's true.
Sophia: Great, go get me a glass of water.

Blanche: Dorothy, do you think I'm dressed okay for the dog races?
Sophia: That depends – are you competing?

Sophia: Rose, I found my lucky handkerchief.
Rose: Where was it?
Sophia: It was in my bra.Rose: What was it doing in your BRA?!
Sophia: It was blowing my breasts, Rose!

Blanche: Listen, did you hear that sound?
Sophia: Yeah, and as long as I'm in my own bed I'll do what I want.

Sophia: Look, Rose, God doesn't make mistakes. We were all put on this planet for a purpose. Blanche, you're here to work in a museum, so that art can be appreciated by humanity. Dorothy, you're here as a substitute teacher to educate our youth. And Rose, you're here because the rhythm method was very popular in the twenties.

Rose: Sophia, is that a Captain Jack's Seafood Shandee uniform you're wearing?
Sophia: No, Rose. I'm off to discover the Straits of Magellan. Yo ho!

Ooh La Latte!

Look what you can purchase at PerpetualKid.com. I'm SO there!

Foonetworkstar

From the very beginning of the season I was a fan. Yes, a fan of The Food Networks "Next Food Network Star." It aired on Sunday nights at 10 p.m. and you all know how I hate watching shows that late cause when I stay up past 11, well let's just say the next day isn't so nice. In any case, I watched it all this season, didn't miss an episode. No one was really standing out for me but after awhile I started to like Kelsey and Shane. Then they got das boot and I thought OK Lisa has this in the bag cause that Adam can't cook, can't handle himself in front of the camera and can't stop joking around. And Aaron, don't get me started, what's his last name again? Cause it sounds like McCartel, but sometimes it sounds like McCargle. Take the marbles out buddy!

So last night was the big finale, and they each had to do a sample show which they showed a few minutes of at the end. I thought Lisa nailed it. Aaron, what the hell were you making cause I sure couldn't understand it. Take the marbles out buddy! Adam did OK, but who needs that much goofiness in the kitchen. I tell you why I watch the Food Network. To make fun of the people. I watch Barefoot Contessa and I make fun of how she says Endive and how rich she is and how she won't let Jeffrey buy a boat. I watch Paula Deen to see how much butter she's going to put in a dish and watch her treat her youngest son like the slowest little pup in the litter. And I watch Giada DeLaurentis so I can make fun of her hooters hanging into her panchetta and hear her explain how everything she cooks gets a "nice golden crust." I like to make that fun on my OWN, I don't want my Food Network star doing it for me. So Adam, I'm sorry, you're out. My money is on Lisa and I'm a betting woman.

Well color me unhappy, cause they go into discussions (Bobby, girl who never combs her hair and man who looks older than he is) and they are like "you know they all bring good qualities, but which one of them could start doing their own show next week." 'Lisa' I scream over to Paul, followed by 'these people are stupid!' Or maybe that was in my head. So they bust out and they're like "Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner of the Next Food Network Star is....."

Aaron Mc(something) Jr.

Me: "WTF???"

I still don't know what his actual name is. I had to look it up on the Food Network website.

It's Aaron McCARGO, Jr.

You know, like "I'm going to move this McCargo to my McBedroom." Well, you would talk like that if you were Ronald McDonald.

Anyway, WTF???? I'm thinking McCargo will last about as long as the LAST Food Network star did, and I know you can't count the number of times you saw "The Gourmet Next Door" on more than one hand, cause that shit ran twice...

In other news, yesterday I started watching that Tori and Dean, Home Sweet Hollywood. I see why it's doing well, they are both very open and it's fun to watch. I do however feel like writing her a letter pleading her to patch things up with her mother. I have no idea what their falling out was about but I think it's sad that they both have such hard feelings. One day her mom won't be around and then she'll wish she had reached out (at least I think so.)

In other news, what's with Tori's hooters?? Couldn't she get those bitches fixed? I certainly watch those 90210 reruns enough, she must be making money for them being in syndication. I would think my ad dollars would cover a touch up...

Cutest. Picture. EVER!

Total WTF Moment

I was watching the TeeVee this morning and they were showing a news story about some moron (complete moron) who got arrested for a DWI and while he was sitting at the police station, drank WHITE-OUT to cover up the alcohol on his breath.

Dude, WTF???

The police noticed it after seeing white out on his hands. How come they didn't see it in his mouth, on his tongue and on the sides of his lips. I'm guessing that doesn't go down as smooth as a brewsky would.

Did Ya'll Hear?

Have you all heard about how I won two tickets AND backstage passes to...drum roll please...

Gordon Lightfoot.

HUH???

Yes, I called 96.1 a few weekends back and won two passes to a wine tasting and was entered to win the grand prize of the "Lightfoot Tickets." I said "Oh, OK great," thinking "yeah, that ain't happening, they'll surely give it to someone who sounds like a fan (AKA someone who is 70, like him.) But no such luck, they gave them to me. Now I feel guilty for having them because there are actual people out there who like this dude and I know two, yes, two of his songs!

This is the fun part. When I told my mom I won this prize (thinking maybe she'd want to go) she said "Oh, Lori you should be more careful about things you call in to win, you should save up and be more selective when you call so you can try to win airline tickets or money." As if I know when I'm going to be caller 9 or 12 depending on the contest. I've been trying to qualify for the Summer of Variety for two months now. Stupid addictive radio contests!

Speaking of radio, I've been listening to Star 102.5 a lot lately. Can I ask you something? When did it become OK to advertise for breast enhancement surgery on the radio. They have been playing commercials for some surgery center for the past few weeks and each time I hear them I think "isn't this a family station?" Just imagine little Johnny "mommy, why did that man say his wife looks so much better after she got her enhancement" cause you bet your bottom dollar they have some dude on there saying "my wife looks great and she has so much more confidence." NIIICE.

In other news, tomorrow is finally Friday. And, best of all, payday. Sweet Potato Pie, it might be the best day ever. Even better than the day the 10 glue sticks I ordered finally arrived. You wouldn't believe it, but there wasn't ONE glue stick left in my building by the time those babies arrived. Believe me, I checked. Sure I could have busted over to the ol' Dollar General and get some on my own, but that would be like, um, work.

More Quotes

So many good Sophia quotes, I just can't stop!

Blanche: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a long, hot steamy bath with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosom.
Sophia: You're only going to lay in an inch of water?
---
Rose: Dorothy, you're the smart one, and Blanche, you're the sexy one, and Sophia, you're the old one, and I'm the nice one. Everybody always likes me.
Sophia: The old one isn't so crazy about you.
---
Blanche: Before my mama sent me off to beauty camp, I was a pencil-thin, flat-chested, four-eyed nerd!
Sophia: I don't believe it. You, pencil-thin?
---
Dorothy: Why can't you sleep on the couch and give Clayton and Doug your room?
Blanche: Are you crazy, what will the neighbors think if they see two men in my bedroom?
Sophia: They'll think it's Tuesday.
---
Sophia: I can't believe it. Esther Weinstock is dead.
Dorothy: Oh I'm so sorry Ma, How'd it happen?
Sophoe: She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico.
SHE WAS 88!
---
Blanche: I cannot believe they lost all our luggage! Now I have to go an entire weekend without underwear!
Sophia: Yeah. You usually slip into a pair by Sunday afternoon.
---
Rose: Sit down, Sophia. You must be exhausted.
Sophia: Why? I rode in the cab, I didn't push it!
---
Ribs, great... why don't you just kick the dentures out of my mouth?
---
I'm going into the kitchen to fix us a mess-a-sumthin'. That's it - a mess-a-sumthin'.
---
It was a retirement home, and you know what they did? They set off the fire alarm, in a retirement home. Who can rush? Half the people have walkers, the other half can't get out of their chairs. But they've got bells going off like crazy! You know what that does to hearts that only beat a few times a week? It's not pretty!

Paddle Boats!

My friend just wrote this to me about his daughter. The name has been changed to protect the innocent.

"We went on a paddleboat when we went camping. Brenda was dead weight, she didn't paddle her share. I told her no marshmallows for her!"

His daugther is four.

I'm LMAO over here.

And yes, of course he's kidding!

Sad Day

I learned yesterday that Estelle Getty passed away. Of course I was shocked, then I thought about it and was like "she was 84, what was I expecting." Damn she was funny on the Golden Girls.

I thought I'd put some of my favorite lines here:

Dorothy: Well Blanche is certainly taking her sister's novel better than I would. I would kill my sister Gloria if she ever wrote about my sex life.
Sophia: You would kill your sister over a pamphlet?
----
Blanche: I have writer's block. It's the worst feeling in the world.
Sophia: Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.
----
"Picture it, Sicily..."
----
"Hey Puh-feiffer, how would you like a punch in your puh-face?"
----
"Beat it, you 50-year-old mattress! "
---
"Fasten your seatbelt, slut puppy. This ain't gonna be no cakewalk!"
---
"Ah yes all my kids make the right choices. My son was a cross dresser and my daughter was unmarried and knocked up. Hell, I was the Rose Kennedy of Brooklyn"
---
"I lived eighty, eighty-one years, I survived two world wars, pneumonia, a stroke and two operations. One night I'll belch, and Stable Mabel here will blow my head off!"

Random Thoughts for the Day

So I've been reading more and more about this new 90210 series they are developing. I don't know how many of you know this, but I'm addicted to the reruns on Soapnet. They show them each day at 5 & 6 and just recently they showed Brandon's last episode (Brandon Leaves) and Valerie just left too and now they have Matt (monkey lawyer who Kelly of course bangs after 5 episodes) and Gina (Donna's bitchy ice-dancing cousin) as regular cast members. Oh, and what's with that Noah? I think they just had to find someone good looking and pray that he could read, which I'm assuming he could cause he always says his lines. But dude, he brought jack to that show and he had so much baggage. Thank God Dylan came back just as Brandon left, otherwise all hell would have broken loose. Steve can't carry the show by himself and lord KNOWS Kelly isn't any good, she's too busy worrying about herself and her feelings and how people treat her. Anyway, they also show them on Saturday mornings and on those episodes Dylan just left after his wife got killed, and Donna is dating Joe Bradley who is getting sued by Ray Pruitt cause he busted him all up in an altercation on Halloween. What did Donna expect in those tight, short skirts?

Anyway, in my humble opinion, you can't have a new 90210 without Brandon. Come on, he started it all out, and he stuck with it through the good times and bad (well, almost, sure he left shortly after the start of season 9 but come on, he got off that sinking ship just in time.) So I say they have to bring him back, but who is signed on? Kelly (Jennie Garth) and Donna (Tori Spelling.) WTF?? What are they going to contribute? Is Donna going to teach the kids at West Beverly about how she designs ass ugly clothes for stick figures? And Kelly, well she went to school for psychology and started out working at a free clinic, but then went to work at the store where Donna sold her shitty clothes. What is she going to teach the kids, how to be a tramp? How to sleep with every guy you come across but then act self righteous when anyone else does the same thing? I guess so!

One good thing about these reruns - some of them I had missed and some I had forgotten about so now seeing them again, ahh, sweet potato pie. One of my recent faves was when Dylan announced that he was getting married to Toni (daughter of the man who killed his father) and Kelly was all "I can't believe you just blurted it out like that, didn't you consider my feelings," when just weeks earlier she had told Dylan she couldn't go around the world with him (or marry Brandon) cause she "chose me," and went off to NYC to model for the summer (cause that would happen.) Then she busts back to Beverly Hills with Colin, the crappy-ass, coke addicted, sleeping with his agent, artist in tow. You're too good for her Brandon! Kelly, of all the TV characters who it's easy to hate, you are the easiest (in more ways than one!)

Ask my man, he'll tell you, I crab about her all the time. It's almost as if I really know them. I wonder if I was ever in California and ran into her I'd say "hey tramp, Brandon was too good for you!"

In other Random News - what's with the humidity? Our R2-D2 air conditioning has been working for a month with no problem, then all of a sudden it was on "full" last night so we had to empty the water out. No problem, right? Then this morning it says "full" again. I'm like "huh?? could that much water be in it?" Pauline says yes cause it's that humid. I say NOOOO. Well I'm wrong cause after emptying it at 10 this morning, the thing said FULL again at dinnertime. I'm starting to think we'll be waking up in the middle of the night to empty it. And yesterday Don Paul said the humidity was 69 percent. My AC begs to differ!

Eddie Veddar = Crazy Pants

So Monday morning I was watching the VH1 Jump Start and they were showing the video for Jeremy. I hadn't seen it in years, I'm thinking over 10. In any case, they show a bunch of Eddie singing and in each shot his eyes are as big as saucers and he's making wierd hand motions and then when his eyes aren't as big as saucers they are looking up in the air or off to the side or he's singing but his teeth are all clenched and shit. You know what I'm talking about! So I'm thinking back and I'm wondering when the video came out, did people think Eddie was crazy pants and just ignored it, or did they just think he was some musical genius and since he was from Seattle it was OK to be looking like that (crazy) or maybe that was the norm back then. Cause I can't remember, cause in 1993 I was busy worrying about who was going to get the lead in the school play and how to work the cash register at the Filene's Basement.

Yeah you know he's crazy.

Did I ever tell you that Pearl Jam opened for U2 back in the day? Why yes, they did! They opened for them in 1992 when U2 was on the Outdoor European Leg of the ZooTV tour. Ahh Sweet Yesteryears when the Italians were like "Who the eff are these young whipper snappers?" And then they booed!

Where Can I Get One of These?

HUH?

A Winter Statistic

98% of American's say "Oh Shit" before going into a ditch on a slippery road.

The other 2% are from Buffalo and they say "Hold my coffee and watch this."

That's It - I'm Driving

I just read an article on the Business First Daily Update entitled:

US Air cuts out the snacks

Unbelievable. Taking away the peanuts and mini bags of pretzels cause of high gas costs? Does this mean you still get a free drink? It did not specify.

I'll be doing all my traveling via Motor Car in the future. Or via two feet and a heartbeat. Or maybe I'm just not going to go anywhere cause I'm on the fixed income.

Anyway, can you believe this? What's next - no co-pilot? Or maybe they'll just go around the plane and collect 10 bucks from each passenger before the plane will take off.....

Last Comic Standing

So tonight was the return of Last Comic Standing on NBC. Paul and I watched it last summer and thought we'd give it another whirl.

Note to self: You know it's going to be bad when the Talent Scouts are funnier than the comics, and the Talent Scouts don't even talk that much. Thank God Belzer (AKA Munch from Law and Order SVU) was there for the round in NYC. The beginning was just PAINFUL.....it got a bit better when they went to the showcase, but not much. And they only let five people move on in that round. Four of them were what I deemed OK, the other girl, well, Paul farted and it was funnier than she was. I gave up when they went to Tempe, Arizona and came online.

What a dissapointment.

So next week Thursday is the finale of Lost. After that all the TV shows will be done and Lord knows I'm not sticking with LCS. What the hell is a girl to do, read a book or something? GEESH. I might as well go clean in my basement. Good grief.

Gui La Douche

So I knew I wasn't the only one, even VH1 Execs. admit that Dustin is an asshole. Check out this wording from their website.

Top 5: Dustin's Douchebag Moments
Dustin's bad reputation precedes him this season. Check out the top five douche moments!

I love it...top five douche moments. Wording like that should win prizes.

News From the Parking Lot

Yesterday while I was walking into Wegmans I overheard a conversation between two of the fine "helping hands" associated.

Cart Boy 1: "Dude, would you rather get hit by a car, or shot."

Me: (in my head) "WTF?"

You're MY Top GUN

Seriously, who has the stones to wear this?

Dustin Diamond. Still an Asshole

So I've been watching that Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp on VH1. Same premise as CFC, but they meet on weekends at a "camp" and they stay overnight. So I see this season that Dustin Diamond is back. I can't figure it out because last season he was miserable and he kept leaving, then finally his whole team wouldn't talk to him. In any case, he's back and pledging his allegiance to the team and pledging to work hard. Of course Harvey doesn't believe it. With good reason. Effing Screech is up to his same crap, pulling muscles in his legs, back, neck, arms, anywhere he has them. Falling on the ground saying he can't breathe, and then complaining verbosely when anyone points it out to him "don't attack me, don't attack me." I must have missed it, but Harvey said something to him about Jewish people and Dustin was calling his attorneys and threatening to shut down production because Harvey committed a federal crime. On Sunday's episode he pussed out again on a challenge and didn't participate in a portion of the workout cause "he was winded." So Harvey gets on his case and oh, guess what? Back on the phone with his "manager," who is also his girlfriend (see, he can only get laid by paying someone.) He goes and weighs in, him and Harvey get into a fight (well really Harvey just bitched at him with good reason) and Dustin leaves and calls the "manager" to say he's done, he's leaving.

Previews for next week show Dustin is back. Wanna know why?

Screech got no money
Screech got no job
Screech need to pay his manager somehow, so he needs to stick it out (or he'll lose his job. And his lady.)

Jive ass fool ain't got no brains anyhow.

In other news, Bret Michael's picked his Rock of Love - Ambre - on Sunday night's finale. I insisted from the very beginning that Ambre (normally pronounced AM-BER but pronounced by Lori as OHMM-BRAY), was older than she was letting on, and sure enough, I was right. Who cares though, at least Bret can have a conversation with her without getting punched in the eye. That Daisy couldn't keep her hands still when she was talking, it was like she was a freaking mime or something.

Tonight is the big finale of "The Biggest Loser." Someone directed me to a Blog that had a Q&A with Dan on it and then it had comments. Seems I'm not the only one who thought that asshole was a cocky son-of-a-bitch. But some people blame the "other blue team members for being bad influences." He's 21 years old - and responsible for his own actions. No one made him make the statements that he's smarter than everyone else at the ranch, stronger than all the girls, etc. etc. Anyway, he could come back tonight and lost 200 lbs and it wouldn't change the fact that he's a very large piece of shit. I voted for Mark to go to the finale cause I'm hoping a girl will win. How much you wanna bet if Mark wins America's Vote he'll start crying? Any takers?

Your Dreams Have Come True

The New Kids on the Block are reuniting!

The Biggest Losers. Seriously - Losers

OK OK, so I'm addicted to the Biggest Loser, I'll admit it. But could they have recruited a bigger bunch of babies than they recruited this season? Each week the people are crying their eyes out over this, that, the other thing. I gained a pound, wah wah wah, I lost 5 lbs, wail wail wail, I can't believe I lost 80 lbs, I'm going to start sobbing like a little bitch with a skinned knee. And it's not the woman. Oh, no my friend, it's the MEN! Prompting my friend to write to me this morning with "Ok, enough of the crying guys on that show...It's getting painful to watch."

I couldn't agree more, except I thought it was painful four weeks ago when that whole "PRIDE ON 3" BS started up. WTF? Do they know how stupid they look?

Do you think Dan has any clue that he's the biggest wanker this side of the International Dateline (AKA the entire world)???

Do the American viewers know that him standing next to Allison (the hostess) was probably the closest he's ever gotten to a human breast?

Does anyone else see the resemblance to Chris Griffin from Family Guy?

And Mark, what a GD Baby! Seriously, I'm surprised his brother didn't bring along a pack of Pampers for that hairy backed Mary. I don't think he can do a workout, fill his water bottle, take a walk or make a phone call without busting out in tears. Buck up dude. Did you lose your balls when you lost the 100 lbs? Or is your wife carrying them in her purse????

Now Where Could I Wear This?

Move Over Bacon

So today JB and I got on the subject of Sizzlean. You know Sizzlean, the Reduced-Fat Sugar-Cured Beef Bacon Substitute Breakfast Strips. The one with the Motto, move over bacon, now there's something leaner?

Clearly, JB is excited about Sizzlean, as he had this to say.

"Whenever my mom slapped that stuff down in front of me on Saturday morning, I was like, 'Shit yo, moms, did we hit the fuckin’ Powerball?'"

I never knew Sizzlean was that expensive. Or maybe Jeff was that poor. Teehee

I'm Not the Only One Going to Hell!

I'd Rather Be Sleeping

World Championship Submarine Racing

Ain't It the Truth?

This is Just Good Sound Advice

Jack Russell

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell named Killer, along for the company.

One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Jack Russell thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that somet hing must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard !

Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Wear this to the Parade - see what happens

What's with her?

Not much going on today, but I was watching CNN before and thinking "what in the hell is with that Ann Coulter?" Every time that harpie opens her mouth, mine falls to the table in disbelief of what she says. Someone please tell me - what's up with her??? What exactly does she want, besides Ronald Reagan back in office?

In other news - the U2 3D movie is now open across the country. Except here, when it opens February 22 at the Regal Transit Imax. I will be there on the 22nd with bells on. Don't know about U2 in 3D you say? Why click here for more information! I am wondering if the 3D glasses they give you are going to resemble Bono's Fly Shades from the ZooTV tour. A girl can dream can't she?

Lost is on tonight - very exciting. And Survivor, which at least fills 30 minutes before Lost starts.

Oh Oh - very exciting - Jane Fond dropped the C-Bomb on the Today Show. I'm sad to say I didn't see Meredith Viera's reaction, but I bet it was quite a delight to watch once the camera's stopped rolling. Meredith came on a half hour later to apologize to viewers for the offensive word. I bet Matt Lauer is PISSED that he had off today for his laryngitis. That's like the time I was on vacation and I came back and they had shit canned one of the VPs. Boy was I mad to have missed it. I got over it once I got a bigger office out of the deal though.

Out.

Dumbest. Women. Ever

So I was listening to the radio this morning. A station I don't normally listen to, but one that I flicked on cause I was flipping through. I won't say the station, nor will I say the DJs names, but here is a clue. There are three people on this station's morning show, two boys and one girl. The girl has been on a LOOOONG time. The boys, not so long, but long enough. One boy left and then came back after a one year absense. That boy is OK. The one boy is the biggest idiot you'd ever meet and he acts like he's the second coming of Christ when you are out at an event and he's "DJing." Anyway, here is how their conversation went.

Girl on Radio: "Has Barack chosen his running mate?"
Me: "No you effing jackass because the primaries aren't over, so unless Hillary drops out he can't choose a running mate yet. You are a member of the "media," shouldn't you know this?" (This is in my head of course.)
Guy on Radio: "Um, no, not yet."
Girl on Radio: "Oh, I just think it would be so cool if he chose Oprah and then she'd be the vice president, she'd do such a great job."
Me: (In head again.) "OMG did that effing idiot just say what I think she said?"
Guy on Radio: "Um, yeah, OK."

At this point it gets fuzzy because I was so flabbergasted thinking "that woman neesd to have her arms ripped off and to be beaten wtih the bloody stumps because she is so god-damned stupid."

How in the name of God's green earth would someone deduce that Oprah's years on Television have made her qualified her to be the 2nd in Command of the COUNTRY??? Now if this asshole had said "Oh, it would be cool for Oprah to run for Mayor" I'd be like Yeah, go nutz, run for Mayor, run Chicago. Or even Governor, which is a stretch. But VP? WTF dude, VP? When will people get out of Oprah's ass?

I'm supposing if Oprah would be a great VP, then Geraldo Rivera would do a bang up job as Secretary of State. And Sally Jessy - she seems smart, let's make her Secretary of Education. And I know Alec Baldwin is good at fighting, maybe he can be the US Attorney General. Forget experience and credentials - it's all about STAR POWER!

My point is this. If you are in the media, think before you open your mouth. Have some facts to back up your stupid ass thoughts before they come out.....

Worst Holiday Songs

So I looooves me some holiday music. Love. Everyone complains about how it comes on too early and how they get tired of it, but not me. Lori Likey. My favorite holiday song is Baby It's Cold Outside. That is until this year when I heard a version by Rod Stewart and Dolly Parton. Now don't get me wrong. I loves me some Rod Stewart. And Dolly Parton, 9 to 5? Come on, that song rocks. But put the two of them together on that song, it has the makings of bad things. The way they dip their voices and change up the wording- well it grosses me out just a bit. Reminds me of Porn on the Radio. I much prefer the version by Nick and Jessica - or even the old versions, the classics.

So now that I have that on the list of worst version of holiday songs - I will list the rest of the songs I feel deserve a mention in this Worst of List.

1. Little Drummer Boy by Bob Seger: Bob - that's enough. Go back to doing those Chevy commercials. Little Drummer Boy can't be spiced up, it's just boring, so go pick a different song to butcher.
2. Silent Night by Stevie Nicks: I can practically hear the coke in her voice! Don't deny it - you can too!
3. Santa Claus is Comin' to Town by Bruce Springsteen: Awful, just AWFUL. I love how Bruce chokes out the words to this song like he's back from a bout of laryngitis. And I love how he ad libs at the beginning "you all been good? Let's see your hands - that's not many." NOT!!!!!
4. Christmas Through Your Eyes by Gloria Estefan. Gloria Estefan - need I say more?
5. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas by the Pretenders. Chrissie Hynde's attempt to "sex up" a Christmas Song. Stop it, just stop it. Save that smut for Lillith Fair. And on a side note, try to keep your band together would you? And stay away from the drugs!

Now you will note that FOUR of the Five songs listed here at from those CDs "Special Christmas" with the proceeds going to the Special Olympics. What can I say, we'll buy anything that has our favorite bands, hence the reason I own Special Christmas one which has "It's Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by U2. Which by the by, the first time I heard I almost rode my car off the road. Bono scared me at the beginning by croaking out "It's Christmas. Baby, please come home" and I was driving up Transit Road and almost took an old man out cause I was like "WTF is this shit?" Of course I can't put them on my list of worst songs, that would be sacrilegious!

Now if more songs come to mind, I'll surely share them. I'll also share with you my favorite songs. Soon. Very soon!

Ho Ho Ho

Merry Christmas!

I WISH

I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU

My Brother as a Two Year Old

JK!!!

RAVE ON!

Pacifica

So my friend just bought one of those Crysler Pacifica's which I thought was a mini-van, but it is not, it's different. And apparantly it's all souped up with some nice features, as indicated by the email that I got from her and laughed my ass off over...Note the BOLD sections which I love.

"The Pacifica is a cross-over vehicle…half car/half SUV, but lower to the ground. Still sits 6 people, but in 3 rows of 2 seats. It's pretty loaded and high tech. It has a memory setting for two drivers so that when I press button #1, all my settings (including my radio) tunes to my preferences and when B presses #2 (which is the right order I might add) all his long-legged settings and boring radio stations play."

She is right, he listes to NPR and all puts Podcasts of the boring radio stations on his IPOD and I have no idea why. But I suspect it's to get himself to sleep at night....

I Object

According to Scarborough Research, Buffalo has the fewest people who read or contribute to Blogs. I Object - do they not read Dude, WTF?

Read more about it here.

This has inspired me to get my counter back up. If you see it at the bottom of this page, you'll know it worked. If not, you know I'm swearing at my desk....

You Might Be a Redneck If...

You think the Walmart is fancy...

Fun for Wednesday

So yesterday, the Business First "Daily Update" asked the question "Who has done the best job as County Executive?" Here were the options:

• Edward Regan
• Edward Rutkowski
• Dennis Gorski
• Joel Giambra
• None of the above
• Don’t know

Of course I couldn't vote for any of them - Joel kind of screwed the pooch and the rest I was too young to remember and back when Gorski was in office I wasn't paying attention - I was too busy being a chorus nerd. I do remember trick or treating at his house, thinking that he'd give out normal sized candy bars. No such luck, "Fun Size" Snickers into the bag. Cheap bastard.

Anyway, they let you answer the question and then they let you comment. Here are some of my FAVORITE comments from this question!

• Was Grover Cleveland a County Exec?...that's about the last time we were doing well.
• Can't remember any good ones...I'm only 50 though...hmmmmm, not a good sign.....
• Need to go back a little farther. Like, to the late-1800s.

And....drumroll please,

• We have had so much prosperity in the last 30 years that it is difficult to choose.

God, I love this town!

Of course some idiot wrote "bring back Jimmy." Umm...Jimmy wasn't the CE you dumbass.

More Cats

Oh Cats

No, I didn't make these you freaks. I did laugh my ASS off over them. I love the Jabba one. And the cookie. I made you a cookie - but I eated it!

Rock of Love

If you aren't watching Rock of Love, the VH1 reality show trying to find a lady love for Bret Michaels (yes, aging rocker from Poison) - you need to start. That's some damned fine TV!

Here is a link to the site on VH1 that gives you a breakdown of the girls. There is also a Message Board where you can post and read other comments. There are tons of them, 50 pages, I don't have time to read them, but some of them are GREAT! There was a fight the other night between Crazy Lacy (who is SERIOUSLY crazy) and this chick Dallas who is crazy, but not nearly as crazy as Lacy, who is crazy crazy.

Anyway, check it out.

Oh, and Rock of Love airs on Sunday nights at 9 p.m. on VH1.

I Can't Believe This

What shocking news I got today!

Star Jones has revealed she had bypass surgery.

Why I'm speechless.

NOT!!!!

P.S.

Dustin Diamond is still a big asshole, but I forgot about him momentarily as I was watching America's Next Top Model. How come everytime Tyra Banks calls a name she says "the next name I am going to call is..." and then says the name. She could just say "Our next contestant" or "our next finalist." I thought maybe it was a one-time deal, cause she kept saying it over and over in the episode I saw last week, but then I watched an episode yesterday and she kept doing it again. Tyra,we know you are going to read a name, no need to say it. That's like me saying "the next thing I'm going to type is..." Tyra's quite the idiot.

"The next thing I'm going to type is..." Your show sucks.

"The next thing I'm going to type is..." What's with that African American man who looks like a woman and has long hair in braids? What makes him qualified to pick models. Don't people who choose models have to at least look presentable?

"The next thing I'm going to type is..." Who gave you your own talkshow, Tyra???

The Adventures of Dick & Jane!

Dustin Diamond is a Big Asshole

Has anyone watched that Celebrity Fit Club? I like to watch it when it's on, and cause they run it in reruns all the time, you're likely to catch it any day of the weekend. So I watched the first episode and I was like "wow, that Dustin Diamond is kind of an asshole," cause he was being a real dickhead. You know Dustin, he played Screech on Saved by the Bell. You know, everyone's least favorite character on Saved by the Bell? I remember watching it with Jane and she really couldn't stand him, she'd be like 'What a fucking idiot, he's so stupid, he ruined this show.' When he was on that Miss Bliss's classroom, he was OK, but then they started having him act stupid just to act stupid. And he'd do stupid stuff and you'd be like "you fucking idiot." Then the show ended and he went off and did nothing, then that porn tape was "leaked" and now he thinks he's the shit. So I watched more of the Celebrity Fit Club and you can TELL he thinks he's the shit by the way he acts. He says stupid stuff and makes comments and insults people just to be an asshole, but if you say something about him "Oh, I don't have to take this harassment."

So I watched the finale and he was making more stupid comments, generally being an asshole (as we all wondered - why the frig does he have a girlfriend) and I was thinking man, those poor cast members. I felt so bad for anyone who had to be on that show and be near him, becuase I think they all wanted to beat his ass (I sure did) and they couldn't touch him becuase he'd be like "I'll call my lawyer." So I started to wonder - how does one become such a big fucking asshole? I wanted to write him a letter and tell him he's an idiot, then write a letter to poor little Ross the Intern and tell him he's a saint for putting up with that Useless Piece of Shit. And what's the worst? His team won, which means he won the same prizes as them, but he didn't do anything, he was all "I'm going to lose weight but I'm not going to listen to what you said." Well way to go fuck face - be an asshole why dont' you? That's what you do best!

Boy - I sure have a lot of hostility for Dustin. I hope he's not on another show for a long time.

On a happy note - props to the IRS for busting out Jessica's ITIN after telling me they didn't get my paperwork. And after I called the woman at the IRS who told me she doesn't have a crystal ball and she can't predict the future. Can I get a wut wut?

Justice is Served

Judge orders Paris Hilton back to jail

Weeping actress screams 'It's not right!' as she's taken from courtroom


Oh, it's right Paris - It's RIGHT!!!!!!!!

Paris Out of Jail

So looky what I just read.

Paris Hilton has been let out of jail and will now serve a 40 day sentance at home. With an ankle bracelet.

What a freaking JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have got to be kidding me. Why not give her back her license while your at it?

I heard she was cold in prison, on accounta she was only given ONE blanket and NO pillow. Boy, she's got it bad. And she couldn't sleep either cause of the loud noises in the prison. It echoed everywhere. She was distraught and not eating. Never mind the non-celebrities who commit crimes and go to the pound-me-in-the-ass prisons.

Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah.

Cry Me a River You Asshole.

Next time don't let your publicist run your life - figure out for yourself that yes, in fact, your license is suspended.....

P.S.

I didn't win the Amazing Race Pool, so the IRS can get off my back. Eric and Danielle won and Ozzy and Danny got knocked out the second last show. Bunch of bull I say!

At least now that Danielle has $500,000, she can probably buy some shirts that fit. I mean, was I the only one who didn't need to see her very large jugs hanging out every week?

When It's OK to Spank

That is what this was labeled - I didn't make it up you freaks!

What Would I Do Without MSNBC?

OK so I was looking at the entertainment homepage of MSNBC (again) and I found this article about Alec Baldwin leaving a nasty message for his daugther. Below are some quotes from Baldwin to his 11-year old Daughter:

“You are a rude, thoughtless little pig.”

"You don’t have the brains or the decency as a human being.”

“I don’t give a damn that you’re 12 years old, or 11 years old, or that you’re a child, or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn’t care about what you do as far as I’m concerned. You have humiliated me for the last time with this phone.”

"I will be flying there (sic) for the day just to straighten you out on this issue.”

So what, like there's something wrong with that? Isn't that what they call Tough Love?

Teehee.

Just kidding.

The man needs to take some pills or something to calm his ass down. Maybe there is a reason she isn't answering the phone. Ever think of that Alec?

Pshhh - Please

I just read this article on MSNBC.com. OK it was in the Gossip section of MSNBC.com, but still....
John Travolta doesn’t suffer from lack of ego. The “Wild Hogs” star recently boasted that he was as big a star as Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe — but didn’t suffer the same fate as them because of his values and religion.

“I have fame on the level of a Marilyn Monroe or an Elvis, but part of the reason I didn’t go the way they did was because of my beliefs,” Travolta told the Irish Independent.

The star went on to credit his sometimes controversial religion for the difference between his fate and theirs.

He goes on to talk about Scientology and how people judge it and such. The rest of the article is here

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18024482/

In any case, I read it and thought "WTF is that cracker talking about?" The fame of Elvis? Psshhh - please. I am having trouble writing right now, because I just read it and shook my head going Dude, WTF...

I would hardly say he has the fame of Elvis. Now I know I wasn't around when Elvis was big, and I know he was down a bit in the 60's when he made that same movie 33 times and the only thing that changed was the sideburns, but he came back with a vengance. Hello, 68 Comeback Special anyone??? Maybe THAT is what John was talking about - his comeback in Pulp Fiction. But I am willing to bet when John goes to meet the maker, they won't be:

• Referring to him as "The King;"
• Putting his face on towels, magnets, clocks and postage stamps;
• Burying him in his backyard; and
• Opening the home for the public.

You wanna know WHY I am willing to bet? Cause I've seen Look Who's Talking Now and I know he should have stopped at the first one!!!

In other news...

Lionel Ritchie once again proves he's a big asshole.

Angelina's mother proves she is one too - but from the grave...

Nerd's break open Piggy Banks as latest Harry Potter book to hit shelves

and finally

Does anyone else out there NOT give a shit about that dude on Idol with the mohawk?

Question. FUNK DAT

I'm listening to XM 80s and this morning they played "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake. Am I the only one who thinks of Tawny Kitaen doing a split on the cars when they hear this song? I know I'm not! Then I start thinking of the movie Witchboard. Why that didn't get huge in theatres, I'll never know, but me and my cousins sure loved it. I don't know if you know, but I'm sorry, that movie so MADE the expression "TTFN."

They followed up Here I Go Again with some crap by Bruce Springsteen. Dude, we were all Born in the USA, you don't see me bragging about it.

OK OK so my husband and the kids weren't born here, but whatever. You'd never know by looking at them, I make sure to hide all of Duncan's Toronto Maple Leaf's t-shirts and pajamas in the back of his drawer so he won't see them and be tempted to wear them. And I put the Bills and "USA" T-shirts right up front, first thing he sees! I'm a sneaky mommy!

Sweet Lord God AlmightY

Never Never Never Never Never Never Never Never Never Never Never Never

I have to make goodie bags for Duncan's birthday party, so I did a search for goodie bags at Target.com and something called "Doodie Bags" came up. I was like "WTF???" I sent it to JB who did some exploring. The doodie bags are for use in this.

Reliance Luggable Loo Portable Toilet

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

Why would you ever need that?

And if you did, would you bother changing it?? I'd call that a one time use item!!!!!!!! Just suck it up that it's going to cost you 15 bucks each time you go camping for crying out loud.

I've seen some sick stuff in my day, but come on people - this is just SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Never Never Never Never Never Never Never Never Never Never Never Never

You Know You Know That Girl!

You know that girl in high school who was too good to talk to you, so she treated you and your friends like shit (unless she needed something) and then you went off to college and only thought of her when you encountered another girl like that, who you realized was just very sad because they were acting like that in college and no one freaking cares there? Well what would you say to said girl if you had the chance when she decided 10 years after high school to email you and tell you how 'WONDERFUL' things were going?

Well this is what my friend would say!

Well, I do find it slightly bizarre that since you wanted absolutely nothing to do with 75% of the people on this list during high school, and you have suddenly taken a "genuine" interest into our lives, I'm fairly certain you really could give two shits.

Since you asked, I guess I can offer up what I've accomplished over the past nine + years. I dropped out of Harvard during my second semester because I felt like it was holding me back. Boy was I right. I left Buffalo in the Spring of 1998 flew a plane around the world following Amelia Earhardt's flight path in hopes that somehow this would create a connection between us. I landed in Zimbabwe and built three orphanages, networked with various celebrities, and served as personal character references for both Madonna and Angelina Jolie for the adoption of their children. While working on the orphanage, I met Oprah, the Dali Lama, and was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 2000. In early 2001 I vacationed in the Caribbean and loved it so much that I purchased three islands of my own, all of which have evolved from poverty stricken countries into modern-day nations whose GDP (Gross Domestic Product) exceeds that of the United States, Canada, and Great Britain combined. This is quite an accomplishment since the size of each island is no larger than the town of Cheektowaga. In mid-2001 during a brief visit home to Buffalo I had an epiphany and decided to it was time to really make a difference in the world (as if I hadn't done enough already). I phoned long-time pals Bono and Oprah (both of which are in my Top 8 on My Space - 1 and 2, respectively, sorry Oprah, you don't sing) seeking their collaborative efforts to end apartheid in South Africa. They suggested world-wide concerts all in one day. The four concerts I personally coordinated occurred in early 2003, before the Concorde was retired of course. How else could Phil Collins and myself be in Australia for a 3pm concert and then swing by Los Angeles for a duet with Alicia Keyes at 5? I've been around, that's for sure. Oh, I almost forgot - I should talk about the new jet I am designing with Boeing, maybe that's a story for a different email, I don't want to ramble on now.

Anyway, while in LA for the concert I met my wife. She was born in Fiji, graduated high school at 3, earned her doctorate in Fijianology at 7, and has redesigned the interstate highway system across North America to incorporate carpool lanes in all major cities. She has also personally patched the Alaskan oil pipeline several times with nothing but her hands and some spackle. I am so proud! Her and I practice yoga each day at sunrise, and speak to her grandfather's aunt's, daughter's, third-cousin once removed, who happens to be the inventor of yoga.

Our plans for the future include finding a cure for fatal diseases, improving the flow of water from the Niagara River through Lake Erie to Cleveland, and of course never wanting to read a single email from people that wanted nothing to do with us ten + years ago, and suddenly do now ever again.

I give him a lot of credit for writing that up, but turns out he didn't send it. However, just to take the time to pen something to that douch bag, that takes time! Well done.

I myself feel that I wouldn't take the time to write all that out. I would just say this.

Knock Knock.

Who's There?

Go Fuck Yourself.

Send.

AOL Radio Featuring (((XM)))

So I've been listening to the AOL Radio, on accounta I still didn't cancel my AOL subscription, and now I'm starting to wonder if Ishould because damn, this radio is good. I have five stations in my presents

XM 80's
XM 90's
90's Country
90's Pop
Top Pop

I used to have All Pearl Jam in there but they were always playing songs I didn't know, so I put the country in, cause I never listen to country now, but I did in the 90s when I was working at the Wegmans and I listen and think "OMG I loved that song!"

In any case, I listen to the XM 80's and 90's most, with the country in a close 3rd. I have heard some dandies over the last few weeks, which I will share with you here.

This is How We Do It by Montell Jordan: Ahh, let us rewind to 1996. I can taste the Light Tacos from Taco Bell right now. I bet you forgot they had those! Well they did. They had chicken and some red sauce and I don't think they had cheese or lettuce, but maybe. They were GD good. We would go to the Wegman's softball games, stop at the Taco Bell on the way back and sit in the Appletree Mall parking lot eating the "Light" Tacos, then I think we used to throw the garbage out the window, but maybe not in that lot, maybe on a side road. Boy, I was immature. In any case, we used to listen to this song, and drive around saying "I got the money, 100 dollar bills ya'll." Which sure was the case back then when I was working three jobs and lived at home. Now I got no 100 dollar bills. If I see someone with a hundred dollar bill (ya'll) I say "OMG dude, how did you get that??" Cause let's face it, who uses cash these days?

Return of the Mack by, um, I don't know: See above because we also listened to this song. I remember I got the CD single (It could also probably be the "Greatest Hits" for the dude who sang it) and I gave it to a friend to borrow and she returned it without the case. Yeah, cause that does me a whole lot of good.

If You Leave by OMD: I learned something when this song came on. I learned that OMD stands for Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark (Yes, that is how they spelled Maneuvers) and I immediately emailed Little Jeff because I knew he'd appreciate it. Of course he emailed me back but I didn't get the message cause all the emails going to my account are getting returned to people as undeliverable. But I digress. The other thing I learned is that I still think of little Molly Ringwald in her little pink dress when I hear this song. I think of how cute Little Andrew McCartney was. And I think of how they probably broke up a few weeks later cause while it's nice that Andrew told off BLANE (the major appliance), kids in high school are so effing fickle I'm sure he couldn't take the heat, dumped Molly and went back to banging the popular girls.

Sailing by Christopher Cross: I learned something about this song too. I hate it.

Breakfast at Tiffany's by Deep Blue Something: Let it be known I had to look up the singer because I had no idea who it was. People, let's be honest. This is probably the dumbest song written. They have nothing in common except Breakfast at Tiffany's. Well it's time to break up then. It can't last if you have nothing in common. I know opposites attract, but you'll eventually go crazy if you can't agree on anything. Like Paul and I both agree that Friends is very funny. And we both like Bison Dip. And we both dislike brussel sprouts. As you see, it takes more than just a movie to keep couples together.

2 Legit 2 Quit by MC Hammer: My favorite part of this song (besides the heeey heeeeey by the lady in the background) is that it's got 2's in the Title instead of "Too" and "To." That Hammer. Always proving how dumb he is.

Scar Tissue by the Red Hot Chili Peppers: This is how much of a loser I am - it was on 90s Pop and I just came around to knowing that song in 2004. I thought it came out in like 2003 or something. And I remember I had no idea what he was saying when he was talking about the birds and the lonely view. I think it's about drugs!

Joyride by Roxette: Oman, Roxette. Dare I say I miss them? I enjoy the Joyride, I enjoy the It Must Have Been Love and most of all I enjoy Dangerous. Not so much a fan of Fading Like a Flower, but whatever, you can't please everyone. Having recently learned that they make a Greatest Hits Album, I reviewed the list of songs and decided to save my money and buy the two songs I like off ITunes.

Fancy by Reba McEntire: If you have never heard this song, well get off the stick and listen to it. What a hoot! I still remember the first time I heard it. I was working at Wegmans and heard the song and thought "Oh, what a nice little song about a girl who picked herself up off the ground and make something of her life." The song tells the story of a poor mother and her two kids, Fancy and the kid known as "the baby." Well Fancy turns 18 and her mama puts her in a "red satin dancing dress," throws some rouge on her and gives her some high heels. There is a line in there about just being nice to the gentleman and they'll be nice to you. So I'm like "Oh, she's a dancer!" Well I'm telling my friend Amy about this and she's like "She's a hooker!" Yeah, the dress had a slit up the side "clean up to Reba's Hip" and did I mention that a roach crawled over the toe of her high heeled shoe? Yes, the mother was desperate, so as soon as the girl was legal she sent her off to make some money. Well Fancy sure did make some money. Welfare took the baby and mama died but Fancy did well for herself, landing all these men who took her as their personal slave but who cares cause she's got the mansion and townhouse! My favorite line of the song, and I know I'm not alone on this, is "I might have been born just plain white trash, but Fancy was my name."

Too bad my mother named me Lori. And I don't have a baby brother or high heeled shoes cause maybe I could write a song about my life.

Oh, and did I mention that the mother had a baby but Fancy was 18? Hello - did that mother not learn to keep her legs closed? Well I guess not!

My Poor Neglected Blog

Oh how I've ignored Dude, WTF for so long. But she was never far from my heart, as daily I find myself uttering "WTF" or screaming out "Dude," - or just starting a sentance with "Dude man, get this." It's all good. I guess I didn't have anything good to say for the last few months. Or maybe I just didn't have time with the wedding planning and the job and stuff. Not saying I don't have PLENTY to do right now, but I'm doing a little thing called "Lunch at the Desk." You know it people - at least you people who get a half hour, like me. But get this - there is a cafeteria in my building, so I get to buy lunch for only $3.50. What a deal! Today I got grilled cheese, tomato soup and fries, plus a cookie and a delicious Snapple. I didn't eat the soup, I was expecting it to taste like hot V8, instead it tasted like tomatoes. Disgust....The grill cheese though. OhMammy, they must use butter here. Lots of butter! On accounta I'm used to making grilled cheese at my parent's house, I always used that fake margarine stuff, like "I can't believe It's Not Butter," or whatever other crap was on sale. Let me say, butter is GOOD shit....

Anyway, if anyone is still reading this feel free to comment and tell me exactly what you'd like me to talk about. Alias is no longer on the air, so I can't write about how that show sucks open ass. I can talk about how The Amazing Race just makes me want to kick in the TeeVee screen because the people on it are so freaking stupid. Or I can talk about Survivor and how this season is so boring I barely stay awake til 9. Oh Oh, I know what I can talk about! We have the DVR and each day the little DVR tapes Melrose Place reruns for me. OhJoy, I can't say enough good things about DVR or Melrose. If you are thinking about getting the DVR or TiVo, just do it! And make sure you get the Soap Network, cause then I'll come over and watch Melrose and 90210 with you! But they just started the reruns of 90210 over again from the beginning and let me say, Shannon Dougherty in 1991 - WOOOF. I don't know what Dylan McKay was thinking, and I'm still wondering how Donna Martin got in the cool crowd. Yeah she's rich, but everyone at the school was, except Brenda and Brandon. That didn't stop Brando from driving a Mustang for 9 seasons. But I digress.

Donna Martin Graduates.

Allan - OUT.