Dude, WTF???

Halloween Tips for All!

2011-11-01T13:22:00.003-04:00

Call me old fashioned, but if you are taking your toddler out Tricks and Treating in his/her wagon, please refrain from using the cup holder in said wagon for your Labatt Blue. And if you have to carry that child to the door because they aren't steady on their feet, please put your cigarette out before you pick them up.

Also, I know your dog can't eat chocolate. So don't be dressing them up as a Hot Dog or a Ballerina and carying a bag for them.

Finally, if you are 14, and want to dress as a nerd, the glasses with tape are a perfect touch. The skirt that sits 7 inches above your knees (and about 5 inches below your you know what), is not.

I Still Love Him

2011-10-07T09:23:00.002-04:00

Ain't It the Truth??

2011-09-29T12:50:00.001-04:00

So It Is...and So It Shall Be

2011-09-29T12:46:00.003-04:00

I told myself that this would be the year I'd get myself in order. I'd have it going on. I'd be the girl who had it down. Well it worked, cause I was the only soul waiting in line at Lloyd's Taco Truck with an umbrella. You should have seen those fools, all soaked and having to go back to their desks with wet ass. Chumps.

I Didn't Make it...I'm Just Sharing is All....

2011-09-29T11:55:00.009-04:00

Now do I still see a show of hands for those who want Reagan on Mt. Rushmore?

Not My Paul!

2011-08-17T10:08:00.001-04:00

Or maybe....

Thanks bluntcard!!!!!!

NOTES FROM THE EDGE OF LIFE

2011-07-21T08:35:00.002-04:00

I received this email and was delighted by so many of these I had to share. Specifically, I laughed at the one about Vampires, but then I got mad thinking "don't be talking about Edward that way!" hahahaha

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." Just saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

Actual Email Conversation

2011-07-13T10:57:00.003-04:00

I just had this email exchange, word for word. I can't stop laughing.

Them: What is it exactly that Nicole Ritchie does for a living?
Me: Umm...has bastard kids?
Them: So how does she make money?
Me: I don't know, I think she has a clothing line right?
Them: Get out of town, what's it called Little Sluts?

Weekend Fun

2011-05-31T15:17:00.003-04:00

Busy weekend. Wedding, Communion and NKOTBSB.

For those of you who aren't 12, or 34 (and who went through the New Kids craze) that's the combined tour of the New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys. I enjoyed every minute of that show, which is a shock cause I really was expecting to know like 5 songs and to sit playing on my phone the rest of the time.

In ANY case, Pamcakes and I hit up the city early before the show to grab some dinner. The wait at Pearl Street was an hour, and there were a gozillion girls in homemade t-shirts hanging around the outside, so we headed to Main Street. And where did our feet take us?

City Grill.

Dun dun dun.

There were no girls in hand crafted, bedazzled cotton shirts out front, so we weren't even sure it was open, and I'll tell you what - that is a damned shame, since it's a nice place and the food was excellent. And the jokes - well the jokes you can make while you are there? They can't be beat. I mean, the best part of the night, besides the concert and the delish chicken sandwich, was the conversation we had as we walked in the door.

Me: What's that smell?
Pam: Death.
Me: Ohhhh...that's low (as I practiced ducking under a table to avoid a stray bullet.)

As you can see by this post, and the fact that I am now a full fledged fan of the Backstreet Boys, we made it through dinner unscatched. So if you are reading this, consider going to City Grill. They could use the business. And then you can wear one of those shirts that says "I survived" with the City Grill logo under it.

Biebs???

2011-04-12T07:39:00.003-04:00

Well, for the second time in four months, it's happened again. I got the Bieber Fever. I don't know if it's full fledged "fever," maybe more of a 99.1 degree thing, but still, I'm 34. This is embarrasing. It all started when I took the kids to see Tangled and saw the preview for his new movie. I was like "who is this kid and why are the girls all crazy over him?" But then Baby got stuck in my head. So I kept watching it on Youtube over and over and over again. Like 50 times. Actually I think I only watched it 10 times, the rest I just listened while working on other stuff (aka while on Facebook.) So I finally broke down and downloaded it on Itunes, and put it on a mix CD in my car, but listening in the car just wasn't as fun as listening on my earbuds. I don't know if it was the sound or what, but I fell off. I suspect it was that I was slightly mortified at the thought that blaring the Bieber while driving to work would be the clue that I had the fever, whereas listening on my earbuds no one had to KNOW I was listening to it! So last night Pauline fixed my Itunes which had locked me out for some reason (technology, my best friend, my worst enemy.) So what do I do? I download Never Say Never. Yeah, that's right. Me and Biebs. We never say never. So I listened to that 10 times before bed, got into my car this morning to listen to my new mix CD (made before I downloaded Never Say Never), and of course put Baby back on. When will this madness stop? I don't know, but I suspect the shitty rap by Jaden Smith in the middle of Never Say Never will be what makes me finally stop listening. Jaden. I know your daddy is a famous "rapper" and your momma is beautiful and your sister feels the need to whip her hair back and forth, but could you go finish your schooling and get into a normal career? Like can't you be a plumber or an attorney or something? And take your sister with you. I don't need any more Smiths in my life. I made that determination after Anna Nicole passed.

Did My Dad Get a New Car??

2011-03-22T11:07:00.005-04:00

I had to get a pic of this. Actually I didn't have my phone, so my friend had to get a pic of this. It was parked at work.

I'm guessing the driver put it there so you don't mess with them if you ever have the bad luck of rear ending him/her. If I was ever in such a pickle I don't know what I would do - drive off before they knew what hit them, or call 911?

Now those who knows me, know I'm pretty open. I'm respectful of people's beliefs, I can have a discussion about politics or religion, and traditionally I remain calm if people are on different sides. And normally I get a kick out of people who have bumper stickers like this. My father has one that says "The 2nd Amendment Ain't About Duck Hunting." I tried to explain to him that the people who are against guns don't care about his hunting rifle - that they are an issue because so many people have them illegally, but I've learned that arguing with my father is like spinning class. It takes a ton of effort, it's painful, and at the end you are in the same place you started. So I don't do it anymore. But I felt compelled to tell you all that I don't feel threatened by my dad's sticker so much as I do by the one above.

Seriously, now. Seriously? I can only surmise one thing. This truck is driven by a total d-bag. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

STARSHIP

2011-03-16T11:34:00.003-04:00

Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now just came up on my Pandora station.

I might as well pack it up and go home, this day really can't get any better.

Buy Me This. PLEASE!!!!!

2011-02-28T08:53:00.002-05:00

Imagine how sweet I'd look walking up to my hatchback with this in the front window!

Come On - You Know It's Funny!

2011-02-08T05:37:00.000-05:00

Doing My Job For Me

2011-02-07T14:42:00.002-05:00

I tried putting my distaste for the Super Bowl Halftime show into words, but couldn't. I just sounded whiney, cause everyone knows I dislike the Black Eyed Peas. WIVB.COM reported that the crowd roared for the BEP. I explained to them (through Facebook) "of course they cheered - they are loaded."

So I look to Us Weekly, who put my thoughts into words: "Clad in Tron-style costumes, Fergie and her band mates will.i.am, apl.de.ap and Taboo shouted their way through a stale 10-minute medley of 2005 hits saved only by Usher leaping over will.i.am's head and landing in a split to perform "OMG." Rocker Slash offered a brief assist with "Sweet Child O' Mine.""

They had a poll too, did you love it, hate it, or skip it. HATED IT is winning with 12,300 votes. And this poll just went up a few hours ago.

I knew I wasn't the only one.

Cheese, Glorious Cheese

2011-01-28T13:19:00.002-05:00

So I like cheese. Like really, really like cheese. I'm not some snob about it, I like your basics. Pepperjack, sharp cheddar, sometimes I spice it up with gorgonzola in my lettuce salad, or some fontinella in my pasta salad, but sometimes I hear cheeses on the Food Network and I go "huh?" Tellagio? OK then. Anyway, I was talking to a co-worker and she said her daughter loves cheese. Like LOVES cheese. One time in her school paper she had to fill in the blanks and it went like this:

I like ___

I love ____

I don't like____.

The first two blanks she put "cheese" and the last blank she put "my brother."

In any case - she developed a Cheese Guide for all those who wanted to know the many types of cheese that she enjoys. I felt the need to share it here for all to see, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. I think my favorite is the "swirly cheesestick" cause I love those babies! Although Monster Cheese almost broke me.

Men Are Just Happier People

2011-01-28T06:30:00.000-05:00

I didn't write this, but man did I ever enjoy reading it. I try NOT to be like the women they talk about here, but it's so hard not to. I mean, pay for someone's $9 glass of wine? I just can't!

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream , razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAYA married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Cough Cough (Spray Spray)

2011-01-26T20:52:00.000-05:00

Well it comes up every winter doesn't it? The sickly co-worker.

I have one who it seems is always, and I mean ALWAYS, sick. I'm not saying she has some sort of deficiency and can't keep away the germs, but at least once every two weeks I'm greeted by a "Hello" that sounds like it's coming from a male vs. a female cause she has some sort of ailment in her throat, chest, whatever.

Now I posed this question last year on Facebook and was shocked by the answers and comments - but here goes again. Should you go in sick? A lot of people commented that they had no choice, that they had no sick time, didn't want to use vacation time cause they had other vacations planned, etc. But my job has a pretty liberal sick time policy - we get enough days - and I know this woman hasn't used her allotment. Wanna know how I know? Cause she's at work EVERY EFFING TIME SHE IS SICK!!!!!!

Do I want her germs? Do I want to get sick? Will it ever go away if you are just passing it back and forth from person to person? I don't want to be unreasonable, but come on already. You aren't doing anyone good straining to talk on the phone and spewing the germs all over your desk and the surrounding area each time you cough. Let's not mention the things you touch in the office that other people then touch and spread around. Oi Vey I can't think of it! And I don't want to sound all high and mighty, but let's get serious. We aren't exactly splitting atoms over here, and we certainly aren't on the cusp of finding a cure for cancer. So I'm thinking if we need a few days to get our sickness out of us, we should take it. If not, then I feel I have my right to bitch. Who's with me???

MUST. STOP. LAUGHING

2011-01-21T09:28:00.003-05:00

This is my friend's status update (but I changed the last name you pervs!)

How Toy Story 3 goes down in the Gooding house:

Me: You have too many stuffed animals in your bed.

Angelo (who is 5): Maybe I should give some away. (To his stuffies:) Guys? If I don't pick you to stay with me, don't be sad. I mean, you'll be sad cuz you'll miss me. But then you'll be happy because you have a new owner....Brown dog, are you ...even listening to me?!

The Difference Between Me and Normal People

2011-01-10T12:58:00.003-05:00

I just got an email from a friend who told me a story of how she rushed and rushed to finish a baby blanket for a shower for her sister-in-law. I actually saw her knitting the thing out in public on a Monday afternoon, because she needed it for the following Sunday. In my head I was thinking "Oh child, I would have just bought her a boppie pillow and a book," cause that's me. Cause we all know how things go when it comes to me and finishing projects, especially projects that are "crafty."

In any case, she finished, practically giving herself Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in the process. The blanket was finalized at midnight the night before the shower. Fast forward to the actual shower, when the mother-to-be opened her gift, pulled the blanket out, announced "blanket," then continued to go through the box of items to list what was inside. My friend, who is nice, smiled and in her head was like "WTF WTF WTF WTF."

And this is where we get to the difference between me and her.

Cause if that was me who had hauled ass for the past three weeks to get it done, and had stayed up til midnight sewing something, then had to wrap the frigging thing, this is what would have happened.

I would have stood up and yelled "I made that bitches!"

Then I would be like "pass it around slut, I want everyone to see my handywork!"

Cause that's just how I roll.

Now to be fair, if there were elderly people present, I would have just said "I made that." But I sure as hell would have been like "pass it around, everyone gets a feel!"

Good thing we know this will never happen, because I took knitting, but it never took to me. And we all know what happens when I try to latch hook things. Six years later those things go in the trash. Don't even get me started on needlepoint...

LeTuesday

2011-01-04T07:19:00.002-05:00

My quest from LeMonday has turned into one for LeTuesday. I am searching for a LeBag! My cousin Elaine has one that she said I could have, but I need another one for a friend. Together, we are planning total world domination. Well really, we just want to carry them around. Perhaps we'll bring them "back" and by this time next year everyone will want to have one. In that case, the makers/owners of LeBag better give us LeProfit Sharing.

So you got one of these laying around? Contact me!

Happy New Year!

2011-01-03T08:59:00.003-05:00

One of my goals (resolutions as they call them) for 2011 is to write on this Blog more. I have really been slacking. I think because most of the stuff goes on Facebook, but why not write a little bit more here and just put these links on Facebook I say? Who's with me?

In any case, not much has gone on in the new year, on accounta it just started on Saturday and it's only Monday, but I did just get an email from Paul which made me crack up laughing.

The kids and I listen to the songs from Glee ALL the time. The only reason they know the song Bohemian Rhapsody is because Vocal Adreneline sang it at Regionals and I loved it so much that I had to download it immediately. We listened to it all summer in the car, along with New Direction's Regionals version of Don't Stop Believin', although the kids had the regular version wrapped. Now that I don't take the kids to school in the morning, they are in my car a lot less, hence, the email from Paul, which read:

"Jessica and I were rockin' some Journey on the way to school this morning and she makes this disgusted sigh and says, 'this version is awful. He doesn't even get all the words right.'"

That's my girl!!!!!

What is funny is that I did the same thing. After listening to the Glee kids sing Don't Stop Believin' for so long, when I went back and listened to the Journey version I felt let down.

The moral of this story for January 2nd?

Nurture over nature my friends.

Nurture over nature.

ESCAPE!!

2010-12-30T09:41:00.003-05:00

The animal (crackers) are on the loose!

Someone call whatever government agency you call when animals go wild.

Oh and Polly owes me $1 for dropping those babies all over the place! HAHAHAH

President's Day??

2010-12-28T09:43:00.002-05:00

I just received this email from my cousin when I inquired about some travel dates for the upcoming new year.

I'm still laughing.

"What are the dates of both? And there's a President's day? When did that happen!?"

Ultimate Wedding Playlist

2010-12-23T08:30:00.004-05:00

Two weeks ago a friend and I were discussing wedding songs. He noted that he liked my choice of song for my wedding to Paul - "Golddigger." Discussion ensued on that topic, and we decided to create the Ultimate Wedding Playlist - the songs that you won't hear at a wedding, but you'd piss your pants if you did. Here is the start. Do you have any suggestions for additions??? Please leave them in the comment section, or hit me up with an email (Lori1130@gmail.com)

Ultimate Wedding Playlist

(Drafted Dec. 2010, to be finalized Jan 2011)

Another One Bites the Dust - Queen
Highway to Hell – AC/DC
Girl, You’ll be a Woman Soon – Neil Diamond
Golddigger – Kanye West
Do Me! – Bel Biv Devoe
Fuck You – CeeLo Green

DISLIKE

2010-12-16T07:35:00.001-05:00

Add "too lucky for one damned person" to my list of reasons to dislike Oprah Winfrey....

A Winter Statistic (Reminder)

2010-12-06T11:55:00.002-05:00

I know I've posted this before (not sure when) but I wanted to remind everyone.

98% OF AMERICAN'S SAY "OH SHIT" BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM BUFFALO AND THEY SAY, "HOLD MY DRINK AND WATCH THIS."

Holiday Rules, According to Me

2010-11-17T10:28:00.002-05:00

So my ladies and I are trying to schedule our annual Christmas Cookie Exchange for one of the weekends in December. I mean seriously, you can't have a Christmas Cookie Exchange in November or AFTER Christmas for crying out loud! So my friend JM has a pub crawl on December 11 so she can't do the exchange that day. A pub crawl! For crying out loud! So I decided to write her back and tell her my holiday rules. I feel if I share them, everyones lives will be easier. Here we go:

There are three weekends in December before Christmas and everyone knows that those weekends are reserved for Christmas-like activities including, but not limited to:

Tree Cutting
Tree Trimming
House decorating
Shopping
Driving to the shopping centers (this counts as a separate event than shopping as it takes so long)
Wrapping
Holiday parties
Holiday open houses
Cookie Exchanges
Jamming food into your mouth. This food should contain copious amounts of gravy and or icing.

I feel this list is pretty all encompassing, however, if you think I missed any Holiday items, please email me and I will take it under advisement. A note: a "Holiday Themed Pub Crawl" doesn't count unless you are being ridden from pub to pub in a sleigh which is drawn by reindeer. And has a jolly fat man at the helm riding you from pub to pub.

TEE HEE HEE HEE

2010-10-28T09:20:00.001-04:00

Of course this took me a minute...I counted the fish, I looked at the drain. And then I peed laughing.

I KNOW WHAT EVERYONE IS GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!

2010-10-28T08:55:00.001-04:00

I STILL LOVE YOU BONO

2010-09-03T08:52:00.000-04:00

BUT I LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH EACH TIME I SEE THIS PIC

I NEED THESE

2010-09-02T10:05:00.002-04:00

I know the difference between a need and a want, and we NEED these for our next bonfire!!!!

No Title Could Do This Justice

2010-08-18T08:46:00.002-04:00

I just received the following email from my friend Jane. I had to read it twice. Then I sat back in my chair and just laughed and laughed.

I just completed the 99 bomb minesweeper! It only took me 2282 tries! See kids, you don't give up. You pursue the dream until it is yours! I would like to thank God, Dell and my parents for without them I would be nothing.
Peace, love & always reach for the stars,
MLCoolJ

Side note: I have only completed that level twice, but I have no idea how many tries it took. I wonder if she really does or if she just pulled that out of her rear. But I love her Randy Jackson words of wisdom about not giving up. The girl slays me. SLAYS ME!

Summer Summer Summertime (TV SUCKS)

2010-07-27T15:14:00.010-04:00

I gotta say something. Summer TV sucks. I know that the TV execs think that people are outside galyvanting at 9 p.m. cause it's the Summer Summer Summertime (sing this to the Fresh Prince song). But guess what? The sun is pretty much in by 9, my kids go to bed at 9:30 and I'm ready for some TV. And there ain't no TV! We got the Deadliest Catch, which I could care less about, we got Project Runway, which I don't watch (I know, shoot me), we got The Next Design Star (come on, like anyone watches that) and we got Kathy Griffin's Life on the D-List, which has gotten shittay over the past few years (sorry Kathy, I love you but it's true). Sure there are a few shows I watch. Food Network throws me a bone with an entertaining hour of "Next Food Network Star" every Sunday, and I get my eye candy fill each Tuesday night at 9 p.m. when Michael Vartan graces the screen in Hawthorne, but I gotta put up with some crap between those episodes, which are only once a week. Of course they do have True Blood, but do I have HBO? NOOOO. And Weeds is coming back soon, but do I have Showtime? NOOOO. Cause the 100 bucks a month for cable only includes one "upgrade" - which is some racing network that my man watches. Racing? What are you from North Carolina, Pauline???

In any case, you would think that in the 400 channels, I'd find something I could watch. But do you really need some of those channels? Seriously, I like Game Shows, but does anyone need to see the Richard Dawson years? Hello Creepster, don't make out with the young ladies on the show. And Lifetime, I can't deal with any more movies staring Melissa Gilbert entitled "Someone shot my dog and stole my baby, and I want them back really, really bad!"

In short, I beg of you TV Execs out there, you know, all the TV Execs who read my blog, can't you just make the TV seasons longer so that I can watch my normal shows in the summer? I got the DVR, don't we all? I know some nights I might be at the Fantasy Island, catching the last of the rays in the lazy river, but I'll be home by 9:20, and I can catch up. I promise! I know some of the stars in Hollywood are spoiled and don't want to film more than 24 episodes, but I hear there are a LOT of unemployed actors in California, so just replace them! Let's get some of them in who will work more than 24 weeks out of the year (don't even argue with me that they work more than that, you know they don't unless they are doing extra movies! Lies, Lies!)

That is all.

My Kids??

2010-07-26T12:34:00.003-04:00

Fun stuff from Walmart! We were in the parking lot, which I also refer to as "the Jungle" and I saw a man trying to get by us who seemed to be saying with his eyes "I'm getting by here whether you move or not." So I told the kids "walk single file, like Sand People." To which Jessica responded, "what are Sand People?"

What are Sand People? What are SAND PEOPLE? I asked Paul if he was sure she was his. Then Duncan chimes in "Are they the little ones or the big ones?" He then proceeds to tell his sister that Sand People are from Star Wars and having glowing yellow eyes and brown hoods over their heads. Again I looked at Paul with the "you're 100 percent sure??" They BOTH got a stern lecture on the way home, and Duncan was loudly informed that the creatures he was referring to were Jawas, NOT Sand People, and that he obviously was not paying enough attention when watching his Star Wars movie. Both children were made to sleep in the garage as punishment.

OK not really, but don't think I didn't think it! What are Sand People. Child, please, Allans aren't allowed to use those words! What's next - not knowing who we are talking about when we say "Cinnamon Bun Hair???"

Financial Kitten

2010-05-28T14:08:00.005-04:00

My kitty was up on the dining room table the other day. Now frequent readers of my blog might now that this is a BIG event. Caramel is a corpulent kitty, so her getting on the couch or the coffee table takes effort. I have NO clue how she got on the dining room table. But on the dining room table, you'll find two huge binders of PRSA "finance-y" stuff, cause I'm the treasurer. The computer desk isn't big enough to house the binders, so they are on the Dining Room table almost permanently, unless we have people over. Paul sent me the picture below, taken when he got home from work on Thursday. He let me know that Caramel was taking care of the PRSA books. To that I said "Amen" because the checking account needs balancing. God Bless my Financial Kitten!

There Are No Words

2010-05-19T09:17:00.007-04:00

I don't have many words for this video. Except for what I told my friend Pam after viewing it, as she is the one who sent it to me.

"Holy Effing Schmoley."

It makes me want to do daily stretching exercises to become more limber. But that's like work.

Click here (Video with Crazy Ladies) - and give it about a minute. You have to sit through a delightful song about Solid Potato Salad. Or you can skip the song once it loads, but why wouldn't you want to hear about Solid Potato Salad?

Yeah, I could do it. No prob! Whateva!!!! Except the part with that apple - that's just insanity.

Ohh Tee Nee

2010-04-13T10:37:00.001-04:00

Love IS a Battlefield

2010-04-06T10:17:00.003-04:00

You know how we know that Jordin Sparks? Cause Pat Benetar wrote a song about it close to 30 years ago. Now you come along with your Battlefield song, all singing with your weirdness and making me think "What the hell did she just say?" Why just yesterday I realized you weren't saying "gitcha rama." You were saying "get your armor." I GET IT! For the Battle. On the Battlefield. But you didn't have to tell me 4,500 times, once or twice would suffice. Instead, you told me to get my armor so many times I started to think about the word armor, so long that I started to doubt it was even a word. Then I started to think "good god, who wears armor anymore?" Kevlar vests - that's where it's at. Then I started to think about who wrote that shitty song. Couldn't they come up with something else to say? I mean, Pat never told me 4,500 times "we are young." She said it a few times, and I got the gist. I'm not dumb, dude. Don't be acting like I am just cause of "gitcha rama." For all I know, Webster added "githcha rama" to the Dictionary when I wasn't looking.

Man, Babies are SO LUCKY!

2010-04-06T09:21:00.002-04:00

Happy Easter!

2010-03-31T12:25:00.000-04:00

I Have Some Dreams

2010-03-30T11:44:00.005-04:00

Lately I've been thinking about my "list" - things I want to do before I die. Actually these are more of things I want to do sooner than later - I don't want to be like "I'm dying, better get these off the list." Please note these aren't in any particular order.

1. Get on the Wheel of Fortune. Damn, I love that show. I set it to tape every night, and zip through it in 10 minutes, who needs to hear about the contestants cats and kids? I said it before and I'll say it again. I don't know much, but I know if I could get on that show, I'd rock that shit out of the water. Unless the wheel effs me. That happens sometimes. Someone will have built up their money to 5,000 and bankrupt. Then their next spin, Lose a Turn. That Wheel is a fickle, fickle bitch.

2. Go to Italy. I don't know why, but I have no desire to see France, Germany, Spain or Portugal. I just want to get to Italy. I think it has to do with me seeing the movie Gladiator and realizing just how old the Colliseum is and thinking "that is amazing." I know France has old stuff. I just don't care. I get the impression they don't really like us Americans over in France, anyone else get that impression? I wonder how the Italians feel? I bet they don't care, as long as we bathe.

3. Meet Bono. I think of all the band members, he'd be the easiest to talk to. I could see waiting out for Larry, and having him walk by me with his nose in the air. Or having Adam driving into a venue and just staring at a girl with big jugs while I'm standing there with my camera thinking 'Oh maybe the car will stop.' Yeah, it'll stop alright. To pick up the girl with the big jugs.

4. Get a fireplace. It won't be real, because well that's just crazy talk. I'm not moving anytime soon, I just want one of those fireplaces that you buy and just set up against the wall and plug in, you know, they throw the heat? Then I want a big TV to go over it. And to get rid of my entertainment center. But where will my candles go then? Maybe I need to rethink this item on the list.

Well - that's about it. I don't think these are outlandish, although I'm not sure they'll ever happen. I'm running out of money to chase Bono around ya know....

I Love This Show

2010-03-30T11:39:00.002-04:00

I <3 NY

2009-12-31T14:11:00.002-05:00

2009-11-04T15:40:00.003-05:00

I just got an email from Paul, stating that my cat wants me home. How did he know? Well that's easy!!!!

Now all you cat lovers probably think this is just a normal think for a cat. Not for Caramel. For Caramel, her daily exercise is having to reach up with her front legs to eat her nightly treats off the coffee table (she gets them each night at 9:30 - and believe you me, if they aren't there at 9:30, I know...) Her jumping onto ANYTHING is a chore, so it's usually followed by a lengthy nap. I'd estimate she spends about 85 percent of her day laying/napping. An occasional burst of energy will see her chasing something imaginary through the kitchen for roughly 90 seconds. In the exhibit above, you can see she had yet another burst of energy, as she has full on jumped onto the coffee table, obviously under the delusion that she missed one of the treats last night. She did not. That didn't stop her from entering full on tracker mode....Note her stomach dragging on the coffee table. We wanted to buy her a Snuggie for Pets, but they didn't come in "husky" size.

You - Yes You

2009-10-22T21:29:00.000-04:00

Are you reading this? Chances are you or someone you know will get the Swine Flu.

Now calm the fuck down, you'll be fine.

That's all.

Duh

2009-10-22T21:19:00.002-04:00

I was driving home today thinking about a conversation I had with my cousin Jack this past June. He is five. We were at Walking with Dinosaurs. I was sitting in my chair thinking "how the heck are they going to keep all these kids entertained for 90 minutes?" cause God knows if everyone paid 35 bucks and it was only an hour, there'd be anarchy. So I decided to ask around, thinking the kids had probably seen something about it from hours of Cartoon Network watching.

Me: "I wonder what's going to happen?" (this was to all three kids but my own kids were ignoring me)
Jack: "The dinosaurs are going to walk around."
Me: "Oh."

I'm not saying a WORD when we are at the circus tomorrow.....

Hello Kittens!!!!!

2009-08-26T23:02:00.010-04:00

Well I know you've been on the edge of your seats waiting for me to post something new, so I thought I'd throw ya'll a bone. Here we are, end of August and I haven't posted a damned thing since June. Sad.

Here is an update. The adoption is complete - finalized on July 28, 2009. We went to the courthouse on a blazing hot Tuesday and parked in a very scary ramp underneath the Main Place Mall. All other ramps around the courthouse were filled on accounta some rat bastard scheduled the Bar Exam to be administered at the Convention Center on the same damned day. Assholes. Anyway, we parked, got to the court, went in, pulled all our jewelry off to get through the metal detectors and waited. I went through. They saw my camera and said "Oh you can't take that in" and I said "Oh sorry I thought we could take a picture when it was done." Then I get the "where are you going?"

Me: "Surrogate court?"
Her: "Oh that's across the street."
Me: "WTF???"

I run out of the building yelling "kids, follow me." Paul tries to keep up but can't as he's taken his belt off to get thru security and his pantaloons are falling off. He makes me stop and I get my bearings and see where we have to go. I find it and run into traffic because I'm scared of being late. This bitch almost runs into me with her car and I give her the meanest look I have - which is pretty mean cause I'm stressed out at that point. Yeah she had the right of way but come on, I'm late, doesn't she know? Meanwhile Jessica is carrying around her blanket, Pinky, dressed in a shirt. Yes folks, a shirt. We get to the CORRECT courthouse (didn't think there would be so many to choose from in B-lo did you) and she asks me "should I put Pinky on the belt?" I freak RIGHT the hell out and go "PINKY IS A BLANKET SHE DOESN'T NEED TO GO THROUGH THE METAL DETECTOR!" The security man looks at me very strangely and calls me "mam" in his voice that he most likely uses on the irate folk.

Man with gun: "Mam, where are you going?"
Me (in my nice voice): "Surrogate court and I'm worried we're going to be late."
Man with gun: "OK it's upstairs, you go through here, you have plenty of time."
Me: "WTF do you know? You are down here, can you see through my fake leather purse material and read the letter telling me what time I have to be there? (This part is in my head)
Man with gun: "Bitch, they are letting you adopt someone? (Also in his head)

Well it all worked out in the end, we got upstairs and had HALF AN HOUR to spare. I guess they like to tell you to get there at 9:30, when the actual thing doesn't start until 10. I cleaned up the sweat from my brow and went in and shazam, it was done in like 50 seconds, no lie. Then, this:

Me: "Come on kids, let's get you home so you can scrub the floors with a toothbrush and beat the rugs with a stick."
Them: "GULP."

In other summer news, we went to Cedar Point where I braved some exciting rides this year - the always popular Tilt a Whirl and the Choo Choo Train. I would have gone on the boat but we had an appointment with Snoopy to see his Ice Show and I couldn't miss it because that is where I get my mid-day nap which is as traditional on this trip as is stopping at the 2nd rest area in Ohio to eat our sandwiches at 10:45 a.m. Apparently the man and woman driving through Ohio from Maine who were eating a snack at said rest stop didn't get the memo about our traditional sandwich stop, because they were sitting at our bench when we arrived. Don't worry, my dad explained to them that it was "our" bench, and kicked them out. I told him to leave a reserved sign for next year. My brother almost died of sheer embarrassment. See he's been away from my dad for a long time, on accounta him living in Vegas. Not me. Takes more than THAT for Fran to embarrass me...

We also went to Sunset Bay for the week, and somehow ended up with the ONE NICE WEEK this entire summer. My cousin Kathy is a miracle worker for picking that week. Rained once on Sunday for 1/2 hour, then stopped for the rest of the week. It was in the 70s-80s the entire week and sunny on all but one day. Who's complaining about Buffalo summers? Not me!

Right now, we are cat sitting for a friend. He has three cats who are currently in one room in the basement on accounta my one fat cat can't deal with anyone else in her territory and has taken to not only hissing at the other cats, but hissing at US if we even blink in her direction. She wouldn't get out from under the kitchen table, so we had to move her litter box and food upstairs, and now every few minutes I hear this strange "meow" noise. Not her normal "feed me" meow, but a "how could you do this to me, I trusted you sons of bitches and this is how you repay me" meow. I hope everything works out, cause these cats are here for 10 days!

Coming up: the new school year. Duncan will be playing the saxophone this year in the band. I have purchased the "large" pack of earplugs, so we should be good for at least the fall.

Hopefully I'll be updating more, but you know my Facebook and Bejeweled Twist addictions suck up a lot of time...stay tuned.

I Hope Great Doesn't Mean A Good Read

2009-06-30T08:27:00.002-04:00

So some of you might not know, but I am adopting the kiddies. There is a LOOOOT involved, so the process has been going on for six months. I blame some of that on our slow ass attorney. That's neither here nor there, since by August, they'll be mine (insert maniacal laugh here).

In ANY case - Paul and I had an investigator come to the house last week to talk about the adoption, ask questions about us, where we grew up, how we met, when we got married. She took pictures of the kid's beds (don't worry, we moved the beds upstairs from underneath the basement stairs - a la Harry Potter.) She let us know that once she received your criminal reports from the state, that she would write her letter of recommendation. Here is where I have to laugh.

She emailed me last week to say that she received our criminal reports today and "they were great!" By great, I sure hope she means "clean" in lieu of meaning "an awesome read that had me on the edge of my seat."

"Gee Lori, do you think it was really OK to steal those paper clips from Depew Middle School?"

"Well they were just on the desk, I thought they were for the taking..."

"And Paul - that room service tray in the hall wasn't yours..."

"But, but, it was just sitting there, finders keepers!"

The Culprit

2009-05-01T09:42:00.000-04:00

Now We Know Who to Blame!

2009-04-30T14:30:00.002-04:00

Oink Oink Oink Oink

2009-04-28T10:22:00.001-04:00

I'm coming for you. In FLU form! Mooohaaaaa

I Guess I'm NOT the Biggest Fan

2009-04-17T09:40:00.003-04:00

This morning I went to the McDonald's Drive Thru for a delicious Iced Mocha. Delicious! There was kind of a back up at the ordering area, I was the third car in line. So I just rolled down the window and waited. Here is where it gets good.

The woman in front of me started off her order with "Can I just have" and I didn't hear a bunch of the stuff after that until I heard "10 hash browns."

Me: "HUH?"

Now I love a good hash brown. But 10?

Huh?

So like I said, I didn't catch the entire order, but I heard the total. $39. Thirty nine dollars! At the drive thru for breakfast? WTF did she order (besides the 10 hash browns?) That doesn't sound like a 'just' order to me - a 'just' order would be "just a coffee" or "just a mocha."

Well let me tell you something. Seven minutes later, I didn't give a shit what she ordered, I was just like get me my effing iced mocha bitches! I sat there and sat there. Her order was so big they gave her FOUR seperate bags and she had to actually sign the credit card slip, which you normally don't do at like McDonalds or Hortons and stuff. Nope, hers was so big, required a signature. And it took for fucking EVER!

Secretly I was jealous, because man, driving around wtih a big ol' bag of hash browns has got to be fun. But openly, I was pissed off cause I was late to work. The best part was that when I got to the window and handed the guy my card he was all rushed and practically threw my card and receipt back to me while handing me the Mocha. Oh like I'M supposed to rush now? I just sat my sweet ass in the drive thru lane for 10 full minutes and all of a sudden you are going fast? Pshhhh!

Moral? I learn something new each day. I'm not the biggest McDonalds hash brown fan there is!

I Had All I Can Stand

2009-04-16T15:43:00.004-04:00

Well kids, the time is upon us. I've had all I can stand, and I can't stand no more.

My latest beef is with, well, the government. I like Obama. I don't love him, I like him. I was a Hillary supporter, couldn't get on Obama in the beginning. Then I warmed up to him and thought, well, can't get any worse now can it. But my beef isn't so much with the Federal government at this time, but with the government of this great state of New York.

Since December, I've been hearing from Governor Paterson how the state is broke. Broke, broke, broke, broke, broke. "NY is so broke it can't even pay attention!" I hear ya man, I hear ya. October 2008 hit and I was like "wait a minute, I'm broke!" OK I'm not really, but since then I have really tightened up on spending. And frankly, I've become a bit overzealous with the coupons. So much so that if Pauline goes out to Wendy's without a coupon from the "Dining Out Buffalo" book, he gets the stink eye when he comes home. But I digress. The state has no money. Alright, here we go - time to tighten the belt. We're all doing it! So the state is going to, also, right? Right???

Enter this week when I learned that Joe Mesi (Baby Joe for all you boxing fans) was being named to head a new senate office in Buffalo. Baby Joe ran for Senate last year, but lost. I had no objections to him running. People were like "why is he qualified, why is he qualified." My retort was "look at the monkeys in office now, is it going to get worse?" To that everyone replied, "well, no." Umm-hmm. Anyway, Mesi has been chosen for this new position. I quote the Buffalo News.

"Mesi has been hired to run the new Senate majority office in Buffalo at $70,000 per year, according to Senate spokesman Austin Shafran. He will head an office that could include as many as 10 staffers working from a yet-to-be-determined location. "

Hmm...making 70 grand a year huh? Well, it's not Hollywood money, but it's good, no? Me thinks. What's that I see, could include as many as 10 staffers? Hmm....10. That seems like a lot. That seems like 10 salaries, plus 10 state retirement pensions, plus 10 sets of healthcare benefits, and I'm betting those workers aren't going to be paying a fortune for it. Perhaps kicking in 20 bucks a week? Oh, and where are they going to sit? Oh, a yet-to-be-determined location? Ohhh. Well lets hope it's in an existing building and that they are going to take the existing office and fire those workers to pay for the new workers and to pay for Mesi to "serve as a liaison for the majority leader with the local community, working with local community groups.” Cause if not, that means rent, plus buying desks, computers, chairs, paper, copy machines, printers, pens, folders and all the countless other shit you need for an office to run.

The 2009-2010 NYS budget includes cuts from healthcare, education, prisons, parks, everything you can think of (except Welfare, that money went up) So here is where my question comes in. We have a senate majority leader with an office in Albany who we can contact by phone or email. If NYS is so "broke," then where the frig is this money coming from for this office? Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

I truly hate complaining to just complain. I like to try and do something to change the situation, to make it better. But what the hell am I supposed to do about this? SERIOUSLY. Who do you even complain to? I read another article about Brian Davis, a Buffalo Common Council member who has been writing bad checks for years, has no license cause the idiot never renewed it, and built a $180,000 house in an Empire Zone and doesn't pay taxes. WTF? WTF????? Shouldn't that shit (tax free housing) be reserved for poor people? Or maybe people who abide the laws and drive WITH their licenses and don't bounce checks all over town? But who do you complain to? The mayor? I'm sure he'll get right on the stick. But owait, he's friends with him, so maybe not.

Who the hell voted these people into office? I'd love to chat with someone who voted for Brian Davis. And I'd love to chat with whoever thought it would be a good idea to appoint a leader for a local senate majority leader in Buffalo. I can bet you dollars to donuts, it wasn't me. Cause when I went into the booth last Fall, I went in like this. If you are in office now, you won't be for long. Maybe I'm the only one who did that, cause we still have to stare at Crystal Peoples and Bill Stachowskis' muggs as they tells us that "I won't give up a portion of my salary, I shouldn't have to" or Antoine Thompson who proposes bills that give country workers more paid time off to spend with their kids. Good in theory pal, but they already get plenty of time, and frankly they have to do what everyone else does - take vacation time! And Crystal Peoples, I should never have brought her up, I might be here all day.

I just don't get it. I don't even know where to go. People like Kavin Gaughan have the right idea, but I think it has to start with these Legislators first. There is NO need to have 200 of them. And all the stipends for the committees they sit on? Hows about that's part of your "job" duties, just like everyone else?

I love living in Buffalo. I do. My family is here and I love calling it my home. But the last month has been rough, and I'm starting to think "OMG do I want to stay?" I can see why people leave. It's just so hard to sit by and watch while this crap goes on. Is it the same everywhere? Do they have stupid, useless titles in Nebraska? Do they cry broke but add more government jobs? Perhaps my friend's idea to annex my house is a good idea. I'm making Allanland. Who's with me?

Caramel?

2009-04-14T11:29:00.003-04:00

I don't know how they did it, but they stole my cat and got her to pose for this picture. I'm not lying. Same green eyes, same disgusted look because her food bowl is empty, same robust figure, same front legs ready to buckle under all the extra weight.

I love you Caramel (AKA Goodyear)

Jaw Hits Table

2009-04-07T16:04:00.003-04:00

Today I had the pleasure of meeting Wendy Corsi Staub, an author originally from the Western New York area. She was at one of our schools to talk to the students about writing mysteries and where she draws inspirations. She also revealed that she ghost wrote one of the Fear Street books and I was like "get out, that is sooooo cool." Then, she casually said, and I quote, "I also wrote one of the Sweet Valley High books."

So the room of fourth graders is like dootie do cause you know they are like "WTF is that." Well not ME! I'm sitting in the back of the room, next to Wendy's husband, sister and son, and I'm like "HUH? HUH? GET OUT OF MY TOWN" in this whisper yell because I'm just outraged. Francine Pascal didn't write that shit??? WTF? I've been duped! So after the presentation I tell her "OMG I can't believe you wrote one of those" and she said "Oh yes that was years ago," and she was super nice about it. I'm still just in total shock. So I asked her "what about Francine?" and she said, "oh those are all written by ghost writers."

WTF dude, WTF?????? Now I've turned to Wikipedia to get to the bottom of this and find out if any of the books I read growing up were actually written by the "said" author. As I would say - using my Nancy Drew skills. And by the by, Nancy Drew, written by Carolyn Keane? Nope, ghostwritten.

If I find out Judy Blume is just some hack, I'm going postal.

You Just Know the Van Has a Teardrop Window!

2009-04-07T16:00:00.000-04:00

I Would Have Used This

2009-03-27T10:59:00.001-04:00

If I hadn't been a renter at my last place....

So Close

2009-03-19T16:28:00.003-04:00

I went just last week and was two squares from a Coverall!

Don't They Know What a Recession Is?

2009-03-09T14:49:00.002-04:00

Had ya heard?

U2 has announced concert dates for the upcoming tour, and "U2 says 85 percent of the concert tickets will cost under $120, with many going for half that or less."

Do you think they made an error and meant to say that they were below 60 bucks, cause then THAT would be REAL GOOD BARGAIN.

Now, I would like to fly to Paris to see them, which kid should I sell to finance the trip? JK, I'm only going to TO people!!!!!

Here's My Creedo

2009-03-05T11:45:00.003-05:00

Somebody Sharted, Uh Oh Oh Oh, Uh Oh Oh Oh

2009-02-19T15:44:00.002-05:00

Mmmmmmmm

2009-02-09T08:43:00.001-05:00

Nothing like the smell of ass

I Love People

2009-01-30T16:18:00.001-05:00

I'm Not Going to Hell

2009-01-30T13:30:00.001-05:00

I didn't make the thing for crying out loud.

OK So I'm Late

2009-01-21T12:05:00.005-05:00

I completely forgot to put a pic up of my prize winning wreath which I decorated for the contest at work. With my label of "prize winning" I bet you thought I won something really cool like cold hard cash, but it was actually a Tim Hortons' basket with cocoa and a gift card and a mug. But I WON!!!!!!!! Fitting, huh? Yeah, I made that bow from SCRATCH! I had to cut the pieces of ribbon and super glue them together cause I hate when tie a ribbon and it's all wrinkled up. And you can't see the top, but that was the handle from a Timbits box. Yeah man! I slaved over it. And I was saving up those cups for days! DAYS! (OK two days.) Whatever.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-07T16:43:00.005-05:00

Happy New Year to you my faithful readers!

All 12 of you!

Here we are - 2009 - one more year until the 5 year anniversary of Dude, WTF. Wait until that wonderful day, Oh how we will celebrate. We will look back on how things have changed. Jobs, living arrangements, family members, Larry Mullen, Jr.'s hairstyle. My hope for the next tour? Larry lays off the dippety do - that 2005 Slicked Back (Greasy Ass) look has to go.

One thing that will certainly change this year - my tour attendance. Oh sweet yesteryears when I used to throw around the money traveling to strange cities in my quest to meet The Big Man (Bono.) Now, in light of the current economic climate, high Cheektowaga taxes and the need for the kids to eat and wear clothes that fit, Bono will have to come to me! And I'm not doing any of that GA bull - I'm too old for that shit. I'll be sitting with the richie "semi-fans" in the 100 section where tickets are 150 bucks and the person to your right (or left - depends on what side you are on) says they are a "huge" fan and have been since the 80s, yet only knows the lyrics to two songs (With or Without You and One), and says "I hope they play some old school stuff," meaning "they better play Pride because I don't know any of the songs from Zooropa, Pop, ATYCLB and HTDAAB." Owell - at least I can ask them to grab me some nachos when they go to the snack bar for "BEEEEEEER!" cause you know those type of people 1. Looove the Beer 2. Couldn't go to a concert without getting a BEEEEEER and 3. Don't mind missing songs because they aren't really fans ("shut up Lor, I'm a "huge" fan! Yes, yes, I know you know the name of the singer and one guitar player, but a "huge" fan that does not make.) I apologize if you are reading this and that is the type of fan you are. It's OK - we can't all be freaks like me, spending money on every single that comes out, buying the single again in Import cause it has a different cover, buying every version of every album, and thinking "should I buy a record player?" cause the new album is available in vinyl. Some people can't do that because they have to support other artists, like Madonna, because she needs to have a successful tour to fix her gap tooth and to pay for her 7 yoga sessions per day in order to maintain her rock hard abs, toned shoulders and grandma underarms (swing swing). Much like Christina Crawford, I understand! UNDERSTAND (If you have seen Mommy Dearest, you'll get this. If not, what the eff are you waiting for, that's some good shit, go rent it.)

It's What's for Dinner

2008-12-29T11:42:00.000-05:00

Santa's Gmail

2008-12-23T14:46:00.001-05:00

WTF??

2008-12-23T14:45:00.000-05:00

Thanks BestWeekEverTV

2008-12-12T09:58:00.004-05:00

From Best Week Ever TV: Bono was seen partying with two teenage girls in Saint Tropez. He says it was just part of his anti-poverty campaign…look at these children! They’re so poor they have to wear mis-matched crystal-encrusted bikinis!

From ME (Fan who spent thousands following him around the country): Um, Bono - don't you have an album to finish and a tour to plan? Because some of your loyal fans have been waiting FOUR years for a follow up. Giddy up, bitch!

Make Up Minds!

2008-11-20T14:51:00.002-05:00

So I was just reading an article at CNN.com about the stock market slumping after oil prices dipped below $50 a barrel. I'm still asking myself why we are paying $2.40 a gallon here in good ol' Buffalo, NY when the national average is well below that, but I digress. Anyway, the article included this text:

"Crude briefly dipped to $49.91 in electronic trading on the New York Mercantile Exchange Thursday before settling just above $50. The industry fears the economic slowdown will drastically curb demand for oil."

OK, WTF? When I was paying $4.30 for gas this past summer, everyone was hot under the collar saying we needed to curb our usage and cut back. Remember the warnings that the people in the US were using too much, we were too dependent, we needed smaller cars. Yet now that it's down to $50 a barrell you fear the economic climate will "curb" demand. Isn't that what they WANTED?

Make up minds people, make up minds!!!!!!!!!

On a side note, why am I still paying the same fuel surcharge ($4.95) to have the waterman bring the water to my house when he's paying roughly 1/2 of what he used to for gas. Hmm? Hmm?? Answer that waterman!!!!!

In any case, I hope you now understand why I stick to reading entertainment news at MSNBC, I don't get nearly as worked up. Owait, I forgot about Brad and Angelina. I take it back. I just have to stop reading.

That's My Motto

2008-11-18T10:45:00.001-05:00

Fun at the Jolie-Pitt's Expense. Oh Well.

2008-11-06T13:10:00.002-05:00

Trick or Treat (Or Beans)

2008-11-03T21:12:00.013-05:00

So what did YOU give out for Halloween? If you're like most people, you went to the Tops/Wegmans/Rite Aid/K-Mart/Walmart/Walgreens to pick up some candy. The Snickers, the Milky Way, the Kit Kat, the Reese cups, the M&Ms. If you were trying to cut back, you got the Child's Play mix of Dum Dums, Nerds, Laffy Taffy. The stuff my kids love.

First, let me preface this posting by saying that I'm not complaining. Frankly, I'm scratching my head. I understand that the economy is bad, things are tight and people are pinching pennies. But I've seen the prices on candy - it's pretty cheap. And the people in our neighborhood got it easy, because we hardly got any trick or treaters. I used two bags, and I was giving 2-3 to each kid. So I think you could spend, say, 4 bucks and give out to everyone who came to your door. But if you didn't want to spend that much, what could you do? You could say, run to a store in Mexico. Or you could give out something around the house? Something you don't like, or something you have lots of. So that is exactly what you do! See the exhibits below which my kiddies got when Trick or Treating last Friday.

Exhibit A, a piece of hard candy. Notice the graphic? Since it's small, I'll tell you what it is. That's a little green man with both arms in the air and an Ax hanging out of his head. Note the name on this candy. Espanto. Have you ever seen such a thing at the Walgreens? How about the Wegmans? How about the candy store next to the Hispanos Unidos? I thought so!

Let us move on now to Exhibit B. Wow - this looks PRICEY! Those Ghiardelli Squares are Delicious! You can buy them at a normal store, like Tops, and they have carmel and peanut butter and chocolate goo in the center. Owait, this one isn't filled. This one is just chocolate. Dark Chocolate. 60 percent dark chocolate? Evening Dream? Huh? Am I HAVING a dream? Cause my 9 year-old isn't a huge fan of dark chocolate, and I don't know many 9 year-olds that are. Also, I'm fairly certain that you can't win a kid over with 60 percent "cacao" (as this is labeled) when their favorite candy is the Skittles.

On a side note, in case you were wondering, cacao is otherwise known as "The cocoa plant," but I don't think cocoa sounded fancy enough for this shit. On another side note, I learned that these pieces of crap were passed out at the Taste of Buffalo and they let you take handfuls. So my theory that they bought them but didn't like them went out the window. They just took a jackload for free and then when they realized they tasted like ass, they gave them out.

Moving on to the most peculiar item placed into the Halloween sacks. This is the very first item my hubby pulled out of the bag to show me. The story goes like this. The kids knocked on the door, said Trick or Treat and a woman in her 30s came to the door. She told the kids "hold on," then disappeared for about 2 full minutes. The kids waited, dootie do. The woman came back and gave them the items in the photo below. Please click to enlarge.

Yes, you are looking at Ziploc Bags full of beans. They are small and brownish in color, about the size of split peas, but are not split, they are smooth on both sides. Jessica thought they were rabbit food. I told her "I think they are beans." Duncan said "I don't like beans." If you hold up the bags you can see that the bag Jessica was given was half full, but the bag Duncan got was only 1/4 full. I told Duncan that the woman must not have liked him and he said "but I don't even like beans!" As determined earlier.

Here's my question. Pretend you weren't ready for Halloween, but your light was on and you came to the door and there were two trick or treaters and you had no candy. Then you realized you had no pennies or nickels to give and you thought a dime or quarter was too much. Which of the following would give?

1. A juice box or can of pop
2. A Toothbrush
3. A Pen
4. A Pencil
5. A can of corn
6. A ziploc bag of small beans.

I don't know about you, but where I'm from you can't eat anything that's already been opened. So those beans are out and have to go into the trash. But not until I show everyone, and I mean, everyone that I will see in the next few weeks. Cause man, this is the stuff blog postings are made of.

The beans are curently on my dining room table and will be on a traveling road show tomorrow to my work, then to the polls. After that, their journey will continue until they live down in infamy. But they are already famous in my house. This will forever be known as the Halloween of the Beans. 2008. A great year.

HUSSIES!

2008-10-28T09:49:00.001-04:00

OK So This is a Little Mean...

2008-10-22T10:07:00.002-04:00

A Sterling Pair

2008-10-22T09:52:00.000-04:00

Rock the Vote

2008-10-09T11:21:00.001-04:00

I'm getting creamed in the election for 97 Rock's President for a Day. If you haven't done so already, please vote. If you did already, clear those cookies and keep voting, I'm WAAAY behind. And it's getting embarrasing!

It's under Allen (yes, they spelled it wrong).

Click here to vote.

Eff It!

2008-09-25T08:53:00.001-04:00

The Time Has Come

2008-09-18T11:33:00.005-04:00

It is time!

September 19th is once again International Talk Like A Pirate Day.

Need some tips on how to incorporate pirate speak into ordinary conversation? Visit the Official Website here.

Yo Ho!

You Do the Math

2008-09-15T13:29:00.003-04:00

Yo - you seen this? This article that tells about how Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt donated $2 million to fund a children's health center in Ethiopia? Hollah! Thanks for the support say the Africans. And let's get on the case, cause everyone wants to know about the Jolie-Pitts says Us Weekly. Not Lori though. Lori says "huh?"

Cause Lori remembers a few months back when the pictures of the newborn Christ Children were in People Magazine. Didn't those two get like $14 million dollars for pics of the Wonder Twins that fell out of Jolie's crotch a few months back? Where did that money go? Cause if I'm doing my math, we're missing about $12 million. Did they give that away without Us reporting it? Puh-Lease, bite your tongue. Angelina Jolie could buy a bag of tater tots and a 12 pack of Cream Ale and they'd be fighting for the scoop!

Sheen-a-leen

2008-08-31T22:06:00.002-04:00

Can I ask something? Why is everyone making such a big deal about Charlie Sheen having another baby? I've seen it on Extra, in Us, on the internet - and at Winster they keep showing the same clip over and over while I'm playing my online slots. Dude, the guy will put it up in any chick he sees walking by, and he's been married, what, three times? And been a client to Heidi Fleiss and her "services." It's not brain science people, you put your penis in that many different woman enough, you're bound to end up making at least a couple of them pregnant.

Can't we go back to talking about Brad and Angelina? It's been at least three days since I've seen any mention of Pax and Maddox, come on, do you want me to go into withdrawl? I need more pics of those kids walking around looking all glassy eyed whilst each eating from their very own 'Big Grab' bags of Cheetos....

Michael Phelps at a Young Age

2008-08-27T12:39:00.000-04:00

Shizzy

2008-08-19T09:08:00.001-04:00

No They Di-int

2008-08-08T14:17:00.004-04:00

Yes, they did!

Check out one of the newest items in the Avon Catalog.

Yes, you're reading correctly, that does have a pic of Smurfette saying "Wanna Smurf?" I'm just sayin...

I Can't Say Typical, Can I?

2008-08-07T16:02:00.003-04:00

I read the Business First update each day, and every few days they ask a new question, which you can answer and comment on. Today's question is "Where do you do your grocery shopping?" followed by a list of selections, Tops, Wegmans, Aldi, Save-A-Lot, etc.

Someone wrote this comment:

"I don't know.. I open the fridge and there's food in there. I suspect my wife is involved somehow."

Am I allowed to say typical?

Although I'm still LOL!

A few comments down from that was:

"For their professionalism and how they treat their employees and customers, Wegmans is unsurpassed. Tops is at the opposite end of this spectrum. Their employees can be surly and their customer service lacking."

SURLY - I love it!!!!!

Even better:

"... Top's never mops, just look at the floor ... Jingle from the '80's. Top's has always pissed me off. The layout, the prices, but mostly the people."

More More More!

2008-08-05T15:26:00.001-04:00

Always So Good, for So Little

2008-08-02T22:07:00.002-04:00

So tonight was exciting as we journeyed to Swiss Chalet for dinner. The very nice waitress bought us a BIG plate of sauces to go around, three chalets and TWO barbecue sauces (pay attention to this part.) Very nice of her since I was the only one who needed it for my ribs, Paul got just chicken. So I ate some, and told her "oh, I didn't even use this one, do you take it back?" She said no because once it leaves the kitchen, it's considered TAINTED. Well she didn't say those words exactly, but I got the drift. Anyway, we were almost done eating when I noticed that my coupon for $4 off was missing, so we started lifting up all the plates to look for it. No luck. So Paul lifts up the SAUCE PLATE and all of a sudden time stands still as the spare BBQ sauce falls over. Slowly you could see the silouette of the cup as it fell over and you hear "nooooooo." OK maybe that was in my head. But the next part wasn't. The sauce goes all over, landing on the table, the floor, and oh, my capris. And it's hot too, cause they warm that shit up. WTF I say, WTF! I tried wiping it up but of course it's just smearing all over the place. Plus it's all soaked into the jean material and it's cooling down, fast! We had to call the waitress over cause you just know some idiot would step into it, fall and sue. Normally I'd blame it on the kids, but they were nowhere near that sauce, so I did the only thing I could, told them it was HIS fault! As we left I did the walk of shame, holding my purse a little lower as to cover the stain. But we had one more stop to make - the pilgrimage to Hollywood Video. With the giant sauce stain (it was like three inches wide!) So we're walking around the store (purse still covering stain) and Jessica breaks out with "Oh Mommy, your pants smell gooooood."

On a side note, I think they put some sort of drug like crack in that sauce. It's so freaking good, those were some of the best ribs I ever ate. Unfortunately I'll always associate it with "the day of the sauce mess."

He'll be hearing about this for DAYS!

Sum Ting Wong

2008-08-01T15:41:00.001-04:00

WTF. Seriously. WTF

2008-08-01T15:16:00.006-04:00

So here is probably the most disturbing story of the month - maybe the year. A man stabbed his seatmate on a Greyhound Bus, then went on to decapitate him. As you would expect people ran off the bus, so he just went about cutting the body into pieces. You can read all about it here.

I believe the most disturbing part of the story was this:

"As the three guarded the door with a crow bar and a hammer, the attacker went back to the body and calmly came to the front of the bus to show off the head."

Calmly came to the front of the bus to show off the head? WTF? Seriously - WTF.

The article noted that passengers were watching the Legend of Zorro when the incident occured. I don't think that is what spurred him. I think it was boredom as he was forced to stare at the Canadian countryside for hours on end.

Yo Ho

2008-07-30T10:21:00.002-04:00

Sophia: Jealousy is a very ugly thing, Dorothy! And so are you, in anything backless.

Sophia: When I turn my hearing-aid up to ten, I can hear a canary break wind in Lauderdale!

Sophia: Cabbage she serves me, in ten minutes I could be sky writing!

Blanche: Is it okay to sleep with a man on the first date?
Sophia: It's a sin. I don't care what anyone says, it's a sin. But I'd go back to eating fish on Fridays if his holiness gave that one the green light.

Rose: Sooo, who's the luckiest girl in the history of the world!
Sophia: Well, it wasn't your mother.

Sophia: Blanche, a terrible thing has happened to you. But when life does something like this, there are a couple of things you got to remember. You got your health, right?
Blanche: Yeah.
Sophia: You can still walk, can't you?
Blanche: That's true.
Sophia: Great, go get me a glass of water.

Blanche: Dorothy, do you think I'm dressed okay for the dog races?
Sophia: That depends – are you competing?

Sophia: Rose, I found my lucky handkerchief.
Rose: Where was it?
Sophia: It was in my bra.Rose: What was it doing in your BRA?!
Sophia: It was blowing my breasts, Rose!

Blanche: Listen, did you hear that sound?
Sophia: Yeah, and as long as I'm in my own bed I'll do what I want.

Sophia: Look, Rose, God doesn't make mistakes. We were all put on this planet for a purpose. Blanche, you're here to work in a museum, so that art can be appreciated by humanity. Dorothy, you're here as a substitute teacher to educate our youth. And Rose, you're here because the rhythm method was very popular in the twenties.

Rose: Sophia, is that a Captain Jack's Seafood Shandee uniform you're wearing?
Sophia: No, Rose. I'm off to discover the Straits of Magellan. Yo ho!

Ooh La Latte!

2008-07-29T12:16:00.000-04:00

Look what you can purchase at PerpetualKid.com. I'm SO there!

Foonetworkstar

2008-07-28T20:38:00.003-04:00

From the very beginning of the season I was a fan. Yes, a fan of The Food Networks "Next Food Network Star." It aired on Sunday nights at 10 p.m. and you all know how I hate watching shows that late cause when I stay up past 11, well let's just say the next day isn't so nice. In any case, I watched it all this season, didn't miss an episode. No one was really standing out for me but after awhile I started to like Kelsey and Shane. Then they got das boot and I thought OK Lisa has this in the bag cause that Adam can't cook, can't handle himself in front of the camera and can't stop joking around. And Aaron, don't get me started, what's his last name again? Cause it sounds like McCartel, but sometimes it sounds like McCargle. Take the marbles out buddy!

So last night was the big finale, and they each had to do a sample show which they showed a few minutes of at the end. I thought Lisa nailed it. Aaron, what the hell were you making cause I sure couldn't understand it. Take the marbles out buddy! Adam did OK, but who needs that much goofiness in the kitchen. I tell you why I watch the Food Network. To make fun of the people. I watch Barefoot Contessa and I make fun of how she says Endive and how rich she is and how she won't let Jeffrey buy a boat. I watch Paula Deen to see how much butter she's going to put in a dish and watch her treat her youngest son like the slowest little pup in the litter. And I watch Giada DeLaurentis so I can make fun of her hooters hanging into her panchetta and hear her explain how everything she cooks gets a "nice golden crust." I like to make that fun on my OWN, I don't want my Food Network star doing it for me. So Adam, I'm sorry, you're out. My money is on Lisa and I'm a betting woman.

Well color me unhappy, cause they go into discussions (Bobby, girl who never combs her hair and man who looks older than he is) and they are like "you know they all bring good qualities, but which one of them could start doing their own show next week." 'Lisa' I scream over to Paul, followed by 'these people are stupid!' Or maybe that was in my head. So they bust out and they're like "Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner of the Next Food Network Star is....."

Aaron Mc(something) Jr.

Me: "WTF???"

I still don't know what his actual name is. I had to look it up on the Food Network website.

It's Aaron McCARGO, Jr.

You know, like "I'm going to move this McCargo to my McBedroom." Well, you would talk like that if you were Ronald McDonald.

Anyway, WTF???? I'm thinking McCargo will last about as long as the LAST Food Network star did, and I know you can't count the number of times you saw "The Gourmet Next Door" on more than one hand, cause that shit ran twice...

In other news, yesterday I started watching that Tori and Dean, Home Sweet Hollywood. I see why it's doing well, they are both very open and it's fun to watch. I do however feel like writing her a letter pleading her to patch things up with her mother. I have no idea what their falling out was about but I think it's sad that they both have such hard feelings. One day her mom won't be around and then she'll wish she had reached out (at least I think so.)

In other news, what's with Tori's hooters?? Couldn't she get those bitches fixed? I certainly watch those 90210 reruns enough, she must be making money for them being in syndication. I would think my ad dollars would cover a touch up...

Cutest. Picture. EVER!

2008-07-25T22:12:00.001-04:00

Total WTF Moment

2008-07-25T10:05:00.001-04:00

I was watching the TeeVee this morning and they were showing a news story about some moron (complete moron) who got arrested for a DWI and while he was sitting at the police station, drank WHITE-OUT to cover up the alcohol on his breath.

Dude, WTF???

The police noticed it after seeing white out on his hands. How come they didn't see it in his mouth, on his tongue and on the sides of his lips. I'm guessing that doesn't go down as smooth as a brewsky would.

Did Ya'll Hear?

2008-07-24T21:25:00.003-04:00

Have you all heard about how I won two tickets AND backstage passes to...drum roll please...

Gordon Lightfoot.

HUH???

Yes, I called 96.1 a few weekends back and won two passes to a wine tasting and was entered to win the grand prize of the "Lightfoot Tickets." I said "Oh, OK great," thinking "yeah, that ain't happening, they'll surely give it to someone who sounds like a fan (AKA someone who is 70, like him.) But no such luck, they gave them to me. Now I feel guilty for having them because there are actual people out there who like this dude and I know two, yes, two of his songs!

This is the fun part. When I told my mom I won this prize (thinking maybe she'd want to go) she said "Oh, Lori you should be more careful about things you call in to win, you should save up and be more selective when you call so you can try to win airline tickets or money." As if I know when I'm going to be caller 9 or 12 depending on the contest. I've been trying to qualify for the Summer of Variety for two months now. Stupid addictive radio contests!

Speaking of radio, I've been listening to Star 102.5 a lot lately. Can I ask you something? When did it become OK to advertise for breast enhancement surgery on the radio. They have been playing commercials for some surgery center for the past few weeks and each time I hear them I think "isn't this a family station?" Just imagine little Johnny "mommy, why did that man say his wife looks so much better after she got her enhancement" cause you bet your bottom dollar they have some dude on there saying "my wife looks great and she has so much more confidence." NIIICE.

In other news, tomorrow is finally Friday. And, best of all, payday. Sweet Potato Pie, it might be the best day ever. Even better than the day the 10 glue sticks I ordered finally arrived. You wouldn't believe it, but there wasn't ONE glue stick left in my building by the time those babies arrived. Believe me, I checked. Sure I could have busted over to the ol' Dollar General and get some on my own, but that would be like, um, work.

More Quotes

2008-07-23T13:32:00.005-04:00

So many good Sophia quotes, I just can't stop!

Blanche: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a long, hot steamy bath with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosom.
Sophia: You're only going to lay in an inch of water?
---
Rose: Dorothy, you're the smart one, and Blanche, you're the sexy one, and Sophia, you're the old one, and I'm the nice one. Everybody always likes me.
Sophia: The old one isn't so crazy about you.
---
Blanche: Before my mama sent me off to beauty camp, I was a pencil-thin, flat-chested, four-eyed nerd!
Sophia: I don't believe it. You, pencil-thin?
---
Dorothy: Why can't you sleep on the couch and give Clayton and Doug your room?
Blanche: Are you crazy, what will the neighbors think if they see two men in my bedroom?
Sophia: They'll think it's Tuesday.
---
Sophia: I can't believe it. Esther Weinstock is dead.
Dorothy: Oh I'm so sorry Ma, How'd it happen?
Sophoe: She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico.
SHE WAS 88!
---
Blanche: I cannot believe they lost all our luggage! Now I have to go an entire weekend without underwear!
Sophia: Yeah. You usually slip into a pair by Sunday afternoon.
---
Rose: Sit down, Sophia. You must be exhausted.
Sophia: Why? I rode in the cab, I didn't push it!
---
Ribs, great... why don't you just kick the dentures out of my mouth?
---
I'm going into the kitchen to fix us a mess-a-sumthin'. That's it - a mess-a-sumthin'.
---
It was a retirement home, and you know what they did? They set off the fire alarm, in a retirement home. Who can rush? Half the people have walkers, the other half can't get out of their chairs. But they've got bells going off like crazy! You know what that does to hearts that only beat a few times a week? It's not pretty!

Paddle Boats!

2008-07-23T09:32:00.006-04:00

My friend just wrote this to me about his daughter. The name has been changed to protect the innocent.

"We went on a paddleboat when we went camping. Brenda was dead weight, she didn't paddle her share. I told her no marshmallows for her!"

His daugther is four.

I'm LMAO over here.

And yes, of course he's kidding!

Sad Day

2008-07-23T08:14:00.005-04:00

I learned yesterday that Estelle Getty passed away. Of course I was shocked, then I thought about it and was like "she was 84, what was I expecting." Damn she was funny on the Golden Girls.

I thought I'd put some of my favorite lines here:

Dorothy: Well Blanche is certainly taking her sister's novel better than I would. I would kill my sister Gloria if she ever wrote about my sex life.
Sophia: You would kill your sister over a pamphlet?
----
Blanche: I have writer's block. It's the worst feeling in the world.
Sophia: Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.
----
"Picture it, Sicily..."
----
"Hey Puh-feiffer, how would you like a punch in your puh-face?"
----
"Beat it, you 50-year-old mattress! "
---
"Fasten your seatbelt, slut puppy. This ain't gonna be no cakewalk!"
---
"Ah yes all my kids make the right choices. My son was a cross dresser and my daughter was unmarried and knocked up. Hell, I was the Rose Kennedy of Brooklyn"
---
"I lived eighty, eighty-one years, I survived two world wars, pneumonia, a stroke and two operations. One night I'll belch, and Stable Mabel here will blow my head off!"